NOT RECOVERINGThe cancer books and magazines lay scattered like so many fallen leaves.Cabinets and the fridge are filled with alkaline and other diet foodsobserved disdainfully by me who just sits around and grieves.Suppose I should get up off my butt and deliver the news. The goods.Off in the nearby (even darker nowadays it seemed) deep woodsa wolf began its nightly howling at the now waning moon.Soon it would be gone entirely, then what would he do? Drop some 'ludes?Standing up proved to be a little too much for me, I felt like I was going to swoon!Must have been all of that Jack.Some with coke, others not.It was not for the lackof trying, it was just so damn hot.I managed to finally stabilize and decided to put on a shirt.Dirty, but still wearable by my standards. My new ones.Now that things had forever changed, I no longer gave a fart.A new life had been imposed upon me by...life. I now had to startall over again. But, I felt like nothing, like dirt.I fell over and landed back on my buns.Back where he started. Knocked on his ass by events.Pulled out of his lifestyle and thrown into another.Full of sorrow and expressing deep lamentshe would have to snap out of this somehow, his brotherwould be here soon and he was no drinker.Just a religious nut and conservative thinker(an oxymoron if he ever heard of one).Like thinking and conservatism could go together!He never had much to say to him, just talk about the weather.But today, it was up to brother to do the talking.He was the happened-to-ee.So, I stumbled off to peeand found myself a moment later pissing on the toilet seat.My wife would've raised quite a stink over that oneand of the fact that I was so shit-faced.But she is no longer here.No longer anywhere.Up and down the bedroom hall I pacedwhile waiting for the brotherly meet.I know, I will just grab a regular old beer!That should disguise my drunkedness and show that I really did care.Apparently much later, I woke up in something that smelled like vomit.I sit up slowly and looked at the clock.I had not heard anyone knockbut, then again, it was several hours past the last thing I remembered.I stumbled over to the door and opened it.A note appeared taped to the outside wall.Brother wondering where the hell I was. Precisely, I thought.No where near heaven.I had better go sit back down before I fall.Shit!A faint rememberence glimmeredin my rotting mind.