Wish

You
Were…
Meghan Rakel Peterson

A/N: Okay I have been writing this since January 
and it was pretty much a venting mechanism. 
The first chapter is the worst but I think its 
 starts to get better, I  dunno
    its pretty long so
    
feel free to ignore it and wait for my other 
updates :o) Oh an about the names, I’m not 
actually copying twilight, one of my best friends 
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is called Alice and I have a friend called Breanne 
who I call Bea. 

Chapter One.
Pants, Bras And Other Things Men Know Little About.
Its funny how one note can change every drafted perspective I have
ever assumed of life. A note in theroy seems so much more personal
than an email or text. A note shows time and care. Everything
displayed on that one note is revealing. You can analyze every part of
the untidy scrawl or something trivial like how many kisses have been
left. Notes always reveal something, usually how much the other
person cares about you. The note that was lying in my hands however
revealed nothing. The words blaring up from within the page, were
mocking me. It was slightly off putting that I failed to decipher any
meaning that was held in those 5 words. I wanted to scrunch it up
and just throw it away in a nonchalant manner. However my stupid
sentimental side always won. It didn’t matter how many men I had
associated myself with I always felt some kind of stupid unexplainable
emotional connection to them. The deal we shared was always ‘no
strings attached’ but I could never agree to that. I am, despite what
men might think about my emotional status, a woman. The egotistical
jerks I tended to associate myself were to say the least a waste of my
affections. However I could never bring myself to man-up and just find
someone who I could actually love without being scared shitless by it.
So as a result I ended up like this. Slightly bitter, extremely sarcastic
and too witty and sharp for my own good. There was a time when I
was naïve- truly so. So much so, that I wanted to believe the best in
people. I actually defended those who deserved nothing, least of all my
defence. I was painfully stupid to actually think that the bitches I had
met in high school deserved a sliver of the kindness I had gratified
and awarded them with. It hadn’t helped them and all it presented me
with was a reputation for being a little too nice. Translation? For lack
of a better phrase- a measly push over. Nothing about me screamed
intimidating, I could be if I wanted to, but heck I promised myself that
I would be kinder to people. I had been in shouting matches and
stupidly made remarks that were a little too sarcastic to be
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overlooked. Hell before I turned fifteen and changed my ways I was
pretty badass. I was very geeky and strongly affirmed to my studies
but I had a big mouth and wasn’t afraid to use it. But that’s all it was.
All talk no action. Don’t ask me why fifteen had been such an amazing
turning point for me because heck I don’t know why, it just was. That
year I promised to be kinder, really give people a chance and just give
others a chance and not pre-judge. I was stupid. People simply don’t
deserve unspoken kindness. They don’t surprise you; they just
reaffirm what you already know. By taking advantage of those quieter
and more reserved, we live in a cruel world. I glanced back down
toward the note that was smoothed in my hands. I laughed bitterly at
the five words.

Didn’t work out, sorry.

Iain
That fact that he felt like he needed to explain himself was enough to
tell me that he knew. Dammit, he knew that I am too fucking ‘woman’
for this lifestyle. Something needs to change. I may only be twenty,
but soon I will be thirty and then forty and then damn, I will be
fucking old. As much as I have convinced myself that I don’t need a
man, or need a husband, or need a child, or need any of that shit. I
still want it as much as anyone else. It’s my stupid pride that gets in
the way as usual. I am twenty and have had one boyfriend. That poor
excuse for a relationship barely even counts, unless like Ali you
consider three and a half weeks to be substantial. I am by no stretch
of the imagination innocent but my best friend Ali takes pride in the
fact that at first glance you would never suspect anything less than
total innocence. In reality I am still that girl who wants to defend the
people around her and try to get people to understand that sometimes
people do deserve a third, fourth or even fifth chance at making
something right. After five years I am still the same stupid naïve girl I
always was. Ali was right, always has been. She knows how fucked up
I am. She knows how much I wish I could lead the life that she does
but instead of having her long term boyfriend and self-sufficient job I
am a bustling career women. My job reflects who I am. At twenty I am
the youngest newspaper editor in New York. Before I began co-edited
the paper I wrote the column, “Pants Bras and other things Men know
little about.” Basically six hundred words regarding my endless
moaning about things women desperately love to read about. I still
write the column amongst my other responsibilities. Whereas before it
was for fun it eventually evolved into my escape mechanism. I write
about the jerks that I have affiliations with. The idiots who try to flirt
with me, and the egotistical fools who dribble over their own words
when they realize I know every trick in their very badly written man
‘handbook’. I swear I have heard so many pick-up lines that they have
become painful to listen to. I think the worst I have been exposed to
is, “You remind me so much of Pokémon that I just want to pick-at-
choo.” I was at a geek convention for my column and was the only girl
in the place who resembled what a woman should look like. In reality
that meant that I didn’t have a uni-brow and weighed less than 200
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pounds. Nevertheless I got asked for my phone number 134 times that
day. I must say it still holds record for my best phone number day. Ali
and I have competitions on who can get the most phone numbers in a
month. Ali doesn’t really play since she has given up on men and
decided to just do what she loves. She hasn’t given up on love like me
though; she has he parents to turn to. They are so in love that it is
actually painful to look at. When I look at my parents I have to laugh
at how much they hate each other. Well that might have been the
understatement of the century. My parent’s divorce was so bitter that
books could have been written about it. Needless to say I was sent
straight of the boarding school for a bit of normalcy which is where I
met Ali. I was still in my “lets be kind to everyone” phase when I met
her. I think she knocked the senses into me by being the bright spark
of laughter that she is. Everything bad that could possibly have
happened in this world had happened to her. And yet no justice has
ever been awarded. Worst of all she blames nobody for her
misfortunes. She simply got over it, I swear it’s not healthy. But that
was the point it was healthy for her to get over it, so much so that it
my eyes it became unhealthy. My parents bitter divorce affected me in
endless way but Ali, she swore to not let her past get in the way of her
future. She is definitely one of a kind. I glanced around my bombshell
of a room; the clothes that I had been wearing last night were thrown
around. My bra draped across my Mac, panties stuck in the
lampshade and hooker dress in shreds on the floor. I sighed
inwardly; did he have to rip my dress? Men are way to eager
sometimes. Glancing at the clock I went into immediate panic mode,
8:59am. Shit! Ali would be in my room in 1 minute. I could not let her
walk into this demolition zone. I zoomed across my room gathering all
the evidence from last night’s escapades and through it all into a pile
by the foot of my bed. I grabbed my desk chair and tried to reach my
panties that were in a tangled mess in my elegant lampshade. Why oh
why did I have to request for a super high ceiling when we moved into
our penthouse? I am so stupid and despite my 5,9 frame I couldn’t
reach the offending pants. Eh… Ali knows what I got up to last night.
My eyes flickered back to my clock and the ‘59’ flicked to become ‘00’.
In anticipation I spun back round to face my door which was now
opening. Smiling lightly to myself I walked toward the door to give my
friend a hug. The door opened slowly to reveal a perfectly primp Ali,
“Bobby- you decent?” I laughed out loud at my ridiculous nickname.
“It’s not Bobbie Ali, it’s Bea. The infamous ’06 bar incident should
never, ever be mentioned ever again! And yes I am decent Ben.” A
growl wavered from her chest as I used her beloved nickname, “B you
are not allowed to call me that! That spastic gave us the worst
nicknames ever; I mean seriously Bobbie and Ben? Was the fool trying
to tell us something? He strategically placed those God awful
nicknames in about ever sentence that he managed to utter. I am so
glad you are rid of that fool. What was his name? Sasha? Maybe that’s
why he gave us boy nicknames he was so fucking bitter about the fact
that he has a stupid girls name.” I blinked my eyes in surprise; Ali
usually waits until about noon to go off on a tangent about men and
their many quirks. “Whoa breathe Ali! I wont call you Ben. Besides
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isn’t Sasha a uni-sex name? Eh… who cares he was an idiot.” She
scoffed loudly, “Please uni-sex? We know about seven girls named
Sasha, and answer me something Bea, how many guys do we know
called Sasha? None! You know why? It’s because it’s a fucking girls
name!” She looked clearly pleased with herself so I simply couldn’t
help myself. “Umm Ali? How about Sacha Cohen?” She blinked
spastically at me, “Ermm who?” I laughed at her limited movie
knowledge. “Borat darling, Borat.” She kept blinking clearly confused I
decided to give her the obvious one, “Ali G?” Finally the recognition I
was seeking swept across her face. “OHHHHH ALI G! Why didn’t you
say so? Well whatever I swear that is spelt with a ‘c’ anyway, and who
cares he probably had his name changed to make fun of guys whose
names are something as stupid as Sasha, he is a comedian after all.” I
shook my head amused. “Oh Ben what am I going to do with you?”
She laughed at my serious expression, “Buy me another book on
movies and give me a pop quiz like the good ol’ days. Or you can just
leave me, and my limited knowledge about movies brain alone whilst I
pick your brains. I prefer the latter option but evidently the choice is
yours.” Sighing loudly I groaned, “Ali too many long words this early
in the morning, I am in dire need of coffee.” Her impossibly wide grin
became even more pronounced, “Well then you should just be in total
love with me then because I come bearing gifts. A double shot white
cream espresso to be exact.” My lips automatically turned upwards
and I reached my hand out, “I knew there was a reason I kept you
around!” Her smile faltered lightly, “Well I am glad I am good for one
thing. Getting you your morning coffee is a highly respectable and
prestigious job.” I grinned even wider, “Damn straightand trust me,
you shall have a killer recommendation!” She laughed her breezy
giggle, “I would expect nothing else Bobbie! Now drink up because we
are going shopping for my interview tomorrow. It is very important
that I look my best.” I laughed at the ridiculous concept, “Ali, I am the
one interviewing you and trust me your going to get the job. I have
never met someone who works harder than you. And plus I need
someone as witty as me to take care of creating a sister column to
mine. Oh and I refuse to have some but ugly picture next the mine. So
your definitely in. Besides why would I work with anyone else when I
could work with you! I mean common! I wanna say do the math but
it’s not really fitting… hmm well I think you get my point. This new
boss of mine better let me keep the reigns when he finds out I am a
women. I am actually pretty worried that he is going to end up being a
sexist pig.” She rolled her eyes at my rambling, “Don’t worry about it
Bea, you awesome at your job. And why thank you I feel so loved. But
we are still going shopping. I don’t want other people thinking the only
reason I got the job is because I made the cut for the very prestigious
position of being your best friend. So brush those teeth and put some
clothes on because hurricane Ali-bob is hitting the mall.” With that
final note she waltzed out of my room humming softly. I shook my
head lightly at her wonderful childishness. She was the best girl friend
I could ever ask for. Then I remembered, “ALI! Call Brian we need his
gay guy advice!” I waited for a second until I heard her enthusiastic
clapping a little mannerism that she had developed over the years.
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“OFCOURSE BOBSTER! We need Captain Brianna and his gayness!” I
chuckled softly at her enthusiasm. I better get used to it if we were
going to go shopping with Brian whose boisterous attitude rivalled
small children. I shook my head lightly and travelled over to my
drawers to gather a suitable outfit that would be simple to change in
and out of. Grabbing my blue boyfriend jeans tennis shoes and rose
printed top I travelled into the shower for a relaxing shower. Always
the favourite part of my day was when I first got up and took my
shower. It felt as though I was cleansing myself of my sins. Today
however I felt disgusting, no amount of water could remove the grime
that I felt covering my body. I wanted to scrub with sand paper to
remove the scum. I felt used and as if I had been thrown away after
my use had been used up. I was nothing but a lowly whore. I had
slept with no men. I refused to point blank, but I was no prude!
Foreplay was surprisingly satisfying. I had always wanted to save
myself for the right guy but it was beginning to get slightly tedious.
Sure twenty years old isn’t exactly that substantial of a number but it
sure as hell felt like it! What if I ended up becoming like the fucking
forty-year-old virgin? What if I never found the right guy? Would I just
sleep with someone and get it over with or would I wait forever? I had
never wanted to get married or have kids but my twenty-year-old state
was making me question my one unquestionable morals. Brian and I
shared these and as one of the things that made us so inseparable.
Since he was gay we both believed them men were insufferable cruel
people. It was quite funny when we both tried to go after the same
man. I loved Brian dearly but sometimes he was too damn attractive
for his own good! That man had stolen my men more that women had.
At first glance you could never tell that he was gay but the second her
opens his mouth there is no doubt implanted in your mind. He is
350% gay. Neither Brian nor Ali knew about my virginal status and
simply assumed from the noises that tended to emit from my bedroom
that I was getting plenty. I never question because I was simply too
embarrassed, not by the fact that I was a virgin but the fact they just
assumed I wasn’t. I could hardly describe myself as innocent after all
of the shit I had done last night. I continued to argue with myself
during the remnants of my shower until the water became ice cold
and I was brought back to shopping with Ali and my gay best friend.
My musing would have to be put strategically in my column. I would
start once I towelled off since my deadline was in 9 hours and I was
cutting it pretty close this time. Always putting things off until the last
minute! Tut tut Bea! Tut tut.

Chapter Two.
Prada Boots, Gorgeous Sales Clerks and Mysterious
Elevator Occupants
Going shopping with Ali and Brian is an activity and a half, usually
constituting of a lot of clothes and resulting in very sore feet. Their
latest conquests have been Westfield’s and Sutton Town Centre
neither as glamorous as they are used to. London is nice but all of us
6
agree that New York and Paris are the fashion capitals of the world.
The two and a half weeks spent in London have been pretty damn
incredible Ali and I share an apartment overlooking the busy streets
and Hyde Park. The location is a dream and Ali finally got the view she
has been dreaming of. If I had it my way we would be in New York
over looking the whole city in a glass apartment but that’s for when
we move in 4 years. Ali and I struck up a deal to move cities every four
years so that we both got to live in our dram locations. We decided to
toss a coin on who could choose first and Ali just had to call heads.
Well nevertheless we were in New York in a matter of days. She even
uprooted Brian with us but he has always been a part of the deal. He
just said as long we lived in Paris someday he doesn’t care. Brian has
a dream of marrying a man named Pierre. Who knows it could
happen! He swears that if he finds somebody who he could marry but
their name isn’t Pierre then he will force them to change their name.
Saying that if they truly love him they won’t object. Honestly I think
he absurd but then that’s why I love him. He is like a mental patient
but he is our mental patient, Ali’s that is and mine. It’s so much fun
to go out with him, due to his amazing attractiveness other women
give us the most wonderful glares. God if looks could kill! Ali and I
would have been murdered and then resurrected all in the same
minute. Nonetheless he is awesome to hang out with and our
sleepovers are simply legendary. He decided to get the apartment next
to us rather than us all buying a massive house so that there would
be no annoying complaining neighbours. He is quite genius actually
and has the best job. That is what instantly gives him away as gay,
apart from the voice and amazing style. Our Captain Brianna is a
personal shopper. I swear he used the word ‘fabulous’ about 40 times
in one sentence when I first came to him two years ago. As my
personal shopper he transformed my style from t-shirts and jeans to
mega labels and designers. He was also responsible to a hefty credit
card bill but then again he was my topic in my first ever column
which in turn secured my job, so in technical terms he has only
helped me in money terms. Who am I kidding, without him and Ali I
would be the same shy girl I had been 4 years ago. They brought me
out of my cocoon phase and let the real Bea shine through. Needless
the say both have done my life wonders. Still anticipating today’s
shopping I was very excited. They were like tornadoes when they really
got started, simply sucking everything along with them. I seemed to be
the only one they didn’t destroy whilst shopping. After shopping we
would head into Starbucks in which Ali would force me to change into
one of my outfits. It has become an unspoken on tradition and I have
become quite acquainted with the Starbucks cleaning staff. Gradually
it had become ridiculous and Brian had bought me cordless 2 in 1 flat
and curling iron so that I could also style my hair suitably for the
outfit. That is when I drew the line and now I simply just change into
one of the simpler outfits that I bought on that certain shopping
expenditure. Despite the craziness that tended to occur on our
famous shopping trips I would never trade them for anything.
Shopping was an outlet for Ali and Brian and I was just along for the
ride. It was hilarious to see Brian screaming at female assistants who
7
were so taken by his looks that they failed to realize that eh was gay.
Despite the fact I had to ask him up-front it is pretty darn obvious
that he likes men! I exhaled and willed my fingers to type something
on my keyboard. Eight hours are forty-five minutes until my deadline
and counting. I had never actually submitted a late column however I
had handed one if three seconds before my deadline. Too say I put
things off to the last minute is a gross understatement. I thrived
under pressure and knowing I had only twenty-five minutes to type,
redraft and proof read a column is pretty exhilarating for me. I stared
at my blank screen with Microsoft word blaring up at the screen, the
cursor mocking me as it flashed black and then white. I swear that
tiny thing is out to get me. Little fucker, always there not being helpful
at all. I flicked my Mac off with the button on the back in frustration. I
had a feeling today was going to be one of those days when I wanted
to just shut myself down just like my stupid Mac. Grabbing my tennis
shows from the floor I shoved my feet into them with a wave of
frustration grimacing at the pain when I caught my little toe on the
side of the sole. Today was definitely one of those days… “BEA HURRY
THE FUCK UP!” Ali’s angry voice echoed throughout the apartment.
Jesus apparently it was just one of those day for me but Ali too. This
was very strange since she was hardly ever in a bad mood. I grabbed
my Chanel quilted bag and rushed into the kitchen where Ali was
tapping her foot impatiently along the floor. She squealed slightly
before rushing into a exasperated sentence “Brian just found out that
there is a mega sale in one of the hidden department stores in 34th
Street. We have to go like now! He promised to not go in without us
but you know how he is, if were not there is 20 minutes he wont be
able to restrain himself. Here” She shoved a steaming paper cup in my
face as well as a muffin, “Coffee, I figured it was suitable, its going to
be a rather long day. Are you wearing comfy shoes?” She gave me a
once over assessing my appearance and gave a lingering glance at my
tennis shoes, “Brilliant right lets get going, there is no way in hell I am
taking the elevator before you even bother asking me so I will take the
stairs I assume you that you are still a lazy fart and will be getting the
lift. Yes?” I stared at her dumbfounded. She had not drawn one breath
in that entirely too long sentence. “Duh Ali you know me too well, see
you in the lobby, oh and you really need to get over that little phobia
of yours.” With those parting words I pressed the button the call the
lift down to our floor. I glanced at the call sheet above the lift doors;
one was located on the Penthouse floor and the other in the
basement. Luck was definitely not on my side today. I waited
impatiently as the lift began its descent from the top floor. The other
remained fixated in the Basement stubbornly ignoring my request for
it to hurry up. I continually pressed the button willing the lift to come
faster. Brian was going to shoot me, not to mention how Ali was going
to castrate me for taking so long. As if right on cue Lady Gaga erupted
from my phone alerting a new message, “RedOne, Konvict, GaGa, oh-
oh, eh, I've had a little bit too much, much. All of the people start to rush,
start to rush by” Of all the shit music that Brian could have set my
ring tone to he selected Lady Gaga? The epitome of crap,
manufactured pop anthems, which I spent my spare time making fun
8
off. Real hilarious Cap’ Brianna… fucking fool, I was going to have
words with the honorary girl. I tended put up with a lot of shit from
my two best friends but my ring tone was off limits. Was he trying to
get a rise of out of me or something? Probably, the fool thought he was
hilarious. I probably would have apart from the fact that the lift was
taking years to reach my floor. I grabbed my phone to turn off the
annoying ring tone and tapped my fingers against the touch screen to
read my message.
From: Ali (0798638543)
What’s taking so long? Get your butt down the stairs the lifts are
travelling at a snails pace today! HURRY UP I REFUSE TO MISS THIS
SALE! Ali xx
I grinned at her message relishing over the fact that despite we were
both undeniably adults we could still play like kids. I finally heard a
ding signifying that the elevator had made it too my floor. I typed a
quick reply to Ali.
To: Ali (0798638543)
You’re a fucking nutter but I love you for it Bea xx
I rushed into the lift shoving my mobile into my bag that was slung
lazily across my chest until I shoved right into something hard. I
winced in pain and recoiled slightly due to the collision. “Fuck” I
whimpered hoping that I hadn’t just been retarded enough the slam
into the elevator wall. Before I could assess my mental state a voice
interrupted my thought track “Oh crap I’m so sorry, are you okay?”
This voice sounded gentle and concerned, unlike anything I had ever
heard before. It sounded like a man yet I was shell-shocked in my
position unable to move. What the hell was wrong with me? I was
hardly ever nervous around men unless they were undeniably more
attractive than me. I lifted my head so that I could meet his eyes but I
was awestruck by the two perfect sapphires shining brightly, crystal
clear meeting my murky blues. Lost in a pool of incoherency I simply
nodded and stayed rooted to the spot. I wasn’t sure how long we stood
standing there but all of the sudden vibrating came from my pocket
again. “I'm a Barbie girl in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic.
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is
your creation” Oh fuck, you are shitting me. Here I am staring at a
man of pure gorgeousness and I am the plonker with the Barbie girl
ring tone. I blushed lightly as I dug through my bag to retrieve the
offending item, I angrily pressed the accept call button and put the
phone to my ear. “Brian you little fucker, why the hell did you change
my ring tones? The Lady Gaga shit was amusing but ‘Barbie girl’?
Really? If I changed your ring tone to my ‘depressing shit’ as you call
it then you would go from ‘straight-gay’ to a ‘gay emo’. Now what the
hell do you want?” I heard his silent laughter through the receiver,
“Why the fuck are you laughing?” He stopped and breathed heavily
down the phone, “BECAUSE! You lost the fracking bet! I thought it
was easy but your just putty in my hands!” The realization hit me like
9
a ton of bricks. Of course last night, we got so pissed that we made a
stupid bet about who would shout at the other first. All our friends
assumed it would be me but I was adamant that I would keep my
cool. “You little shit! Ugh I can’t believe I lost! OH CRAP! NO!” He
started laughing again, “YES BEA, YOUR GOING ON A BLIND DATE
OF MY CHOICE!” No no no no NO! Of all the things, a blind date! Just
kill me now! “Please Captain Brianna I am begging you do not put me
on a blind date. Please! Have some mercy!” He laughed even harder,
“My mate Stephen has a friend who he said is actually pretty nice and
the little birdie told me he was a fine looking man, so… maybe… you
know… you could just give him a chance Bea.” I laughed
humourlessly and decided to just list some of the names. “Jim, Jon,
Jake, Jeffery, Julian and Johnny. That’s just the ‘J’s’ Brian. All the
guys that you have set me up with are either: gays in the closet, neat
freaks or just plain weirdo’s who ask for clippings of my hair. There is
no way, bet or no bet that you are making me do this!” I heard his
chuckle ominously out of the phone, “Oh really? How about I tell Ali
about the summer of ’06?” I felt the blood drain from my face. “You
wouldn’t,” I hissed menacingly. He chuckled again, “Are you willing to
test that theory?” I gulped angrily swallowing my pride before huffing
down the phone, “Fine. Friday, 7 o’clock and if he’s late I will cut off
his jewels.” He laughed again, “I hear you Bobs, see you in a few! Love
you girlfriend!” chuckling at his very gay nature I told him the same
sighing as I crashed against the wall of the elevator in frustration.
Only I wasn’t leaning against the wall. Oh my God. I had totally
forgotten he was there. And I was so crass and swore like a
commoner. My mother would wash my mouth out with soap if she
heard me talking like that. I heard him chuckle lightly, before
murmuring, “Remind me not to get on your bad side.” I blushed a
deep crimson as I recoiled out of his chest that I had so graciously
slammed into twice over the past minute. “I am really sorry.”
Stammering over my words I made contact with the blue pools that
were his eyes. Lost in the vivacious colour I had to shut my own eyes
to clear the incoherent thoughts that confused my brain. Wow, I’m
never taking the stairs again if this is the kind of adventure the
elevator holds. He smiled down at me and I suddenly realized how tall
he stood. “It’s ok, its not everyday a beautiful women slams into my
chest.” I blushed looking down at my shoes, completely out of
character. I hold my own around men, I am the ice queen of New York
City why the fuck was this man having an affect over me? Maybe it
was his undeniable gorgeousness? Or that chiselled jaw. Fuck those
were amazing high cheekbones, I could just imagine running my hand
down that perfectly tanned skin. His golden hair was lying in perfectly
sculpted disarray that just screamed sex. I was gaping at him and
being highly obvious with my ogling. “Um, thanks… I’m really sorry
about that. You know the swearing and stuff. My former gay best
friend Brian and my other former best friend Ali changed my ring
tones to that god-awful crap that you witnessed. Needless to say I take
my music pretty damn seriously and it ticked me off.” I shuffled my
weight from one foot to another in a nervous manner. “No problem, I
think my ears handled it fine after all I have been out of 6th grade for a
10
few years now to know not to ‘ummmm’ after ever naughty word.” I
swallowed trying to hide my surprise by his choice of words. Was that
flirting? I am 20 years old and am still completely clueless about men.
Bloody ridiculous that’s what it was. “Hmm, well I hate to cut this
short but Ali will deck me if I don’t make it down in the lobby in about
twelve seconds and she will ring in about two. Right on cue Aqua’s
Barbie Girl anthem chimed from my left coat pocket and I groaned. I
dug through my pocket and retrieved my blackberry. “Yes Ali.” “Don’t
‘yes Ali’ me! You have been in that elevator for five minutes and it
hasn’t even moved from the 6th floor! Get your ass down here!” I
laughed at her banter. “ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME! There are Prada
boots calling me name and you have to NERVE TO LAUGH! Right Bea!
I love you but if your not going to take this sale seriously then I am
going with out you!” I gulped slapping my head reminding myself how
stupid it is to piss off Ali. “Im really sorry but that actually might be
best. I really have to right my column since my deadline is in just
under 7 hours, and I finally thought of a decent idea.” I waited
gauging her reaction, “Jesus Bea have you got a code pink?” My legs
almost failed me when I heard that. “Yes Ali I have a deep shining
code pink, and tell Brian that when I get my hands on him I will kill
him for putting the Barbie girl song as my ring tone. Okay. Right love
you Ali. Don’t hit any women if they grab hold of something that you
caught your eyes on first. I refuse to bail you out of jail today!” She
laughed deeply which I assumed meant that she was recounting the
amount of times I had paid her bail. “Will do darling oh and um good
like with you code pink. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” I laughed,
“That’s pretty much nothing then.” “Ha! I resent that Bobs! Love you.”
She hung up and I ran my hands through my hair trying to keep all of
the words that were dying to be written in my head. I glanced back at
the amused man standing in the elevator. Grinning sheepishly I
pressed the buttons that opened the elevator doors and walked out.
Before the doors began closing I got the courage to say something to
the amazingly attractive man that my body had been pressed against.
Taking a deep breath I turned winked before calling, “See you
around.” Once I heard the doors dinging signifying the moving on of
the elevator I let out a gust of air that I hadn’t realized I had been
holding. He was so attractive I had actually felt the electricity coursing
through my veins. Well I certainly had a topic for my column. This
better be my best ever column if I have a decent chance of impressing
my new boss. Ruffling my hair I grabbed my keys out of my pocket
and opened the door to the apartment. Better get word open quick
before this all goes flooding out of my head. I rushed into my room
and plopped down on my bed to take of my shoes and then scurried
over to my desk. Following my usual routine I took out my lemon
wipes and traced a few over the desk until all traces of dust and dirt
were cleared away. My friends all thought I had OCD but I simply
liked working at a desk that was clean, it helped to keep my cluttered
thoughts organized. My word opened instantly and I began to type
letting all of my thoughts drift onto the page.

11
Pants Bras and Other Things Men Know Little About
Column 96- Code Pink
By Bea Burke (Also know as Bobbie) Monday 23rd March 2009

“Life is a puzzle, everyday I think I am about to grab the last missing

piece which will make me scream a triumphant AHA! But everyday I am
disappointed when it seems a little too far from my reach. I hate to
slander men all the time about how clueless they are but it’s baffling to
me! I have heard from male friends and the legendary Captain Brianna
that women are complex creatures that have you thinking something one
minute and then the total opposite the next. Boy but can they talk? Men
are the most confusing people on the planet. Sometimes saying they are
unafraid of commitment until you come home one day asking if they
want to have a key to your apartment and they go running the opposite
direction. I just had an encounter with a mighty sexy man in an elevator
but was completely lost to whether or not be was actually flirting with
me, or if I was just being a stupid woman and over reading the situation.
My friends and I like to call it a ‘Code Pink’ when you are in the
company of a very sexy but are completely lost at what to do. I have this
dilemma a lot. I am not an unattractive women and am smart enough to
know that George Clooney is not our president however all the attractive
men that I am dying to get to know are either in the company of some
blonde playboy model (no offense to all you blondes I don’t want hate
mail! Besides you all know I have blonde-brown hair) strapped to their
toned arm. So here is mine as well as your predicament (unless you are
the un-named blonde). Do I go after the guy who is too stupid to notice
what is right in front of him collectively losing my pride along the way,
or do I ignore them and go after those boring accountants and insurance
men who seem to be in a surplus at the moment? Either is going to end
in the diminishment of my pride so what do I do? Men are complaining
about how women are stupid and can barely string more than a few
words together well guess what! Going after bar flies and playboy
models aren’t going to get you the most intellectual women by your side.
By no means am I suggesting you try the stupid tactics most men do
where they hit the library and bookstores where they believe all the
“smart girls” hang. Here’s what you do men, go do some things you
enjoy. Believe it or not some women might surprise you. A good friend of
mine, Jodieis totally stunning but spends most of her time at work
where she is a mechanic. Men don’t look past the boobs and butt to see
what a great girl she is. Its time for men to take the plunge! Plenty of
women have gone below their stated ‘league’ by giving other men a
chance its time for you men to as well! Personally I am sick and tired of
waiting around for an idiot of a man who doesn’t realize how amazing I
know myself to be. Compared to some of the dimwits my male friends
date I look like a genius. Look past the boobs ignore the legs and go for
the personality, oh and in times of recession going after a lower
maintenance girl will do wonders for your wallet. (Yes even the romance
columnist reports on the credit crunch. What the hell has the world come
to?)”
I smiled content at what I had written in the space of 8 minutes.
Perfect! I now had seven hours to kill before I made the guys down in

12
printing sweat by the fact my column wasn’t in. Taylor was going to
kill me a since every Friday he reminded me to submit early. Hell you
know what, I’m in a freakishly good mood I will submit early. Quickly
going through my article I corrected grammar and spelling errors
before attaching the file to an email document and hitting send.
Hoisting myself off from the seat I clicked my neck in the manner that
my friends deemed as disgusting and walked through the hallway into
the kitchen. Grabbing a mug from the cupboard I flicked the kettle
switch on and searched the shelves for the hot chocolate. Dammit I
muttered to myself. Clearly Ali hadn’t bothered restocking after her
week off a few days ago. Ugh I needed my chocolate and I quickly felt
annoyed by the withdrawals I was experiencing. “Screw this,” I
mumbled grabbing my keys and wallet as I made my way for the door.
Rushing down the hallway that led to the elevator I stumbled slightly
dropping the contents of my bag. “Oh shit… stupid… this is why you
walk you idiot.” I grabbed my tampons that had spilled shamelessly
out of my bag until I heard the most annoying sound. “I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair,
undress me everywhere. Imagination, life is your creation” Screaming in
frustration I grabbed my phone at pressed the accept call button.
“What!” I barked down the line. “Bea hun you ok? It’s Mandy.” I felt
quickly remorseful and a bit guilty, “Sorry Mands! I am a bit frazzled
at the moment, what’s up? Oh and how was your hot date!” She
chuckled down the line, “Well umm how about I tell you when you
come in?” I stopped collecting must stuff from the floor frozen on the
spot. “Mandy. It’s a Sunday. You know that lovely day where I don’t
wake up at five o clock in the morning, you know the only day I get off
in a seven day week.” She sounded nervous, “I know and I tried to tell
him, but he insisted on meeting you ASAP to go over everyone’s
columns and different approach’s and stuff. But Bea, common don’t
shoot the messenger!” I grumbled, “Sorry Carlos… am I forgiven… and
wait who wants to meet me? I’m the boss remember.” She chuckled
down the line, “I swear, you call me Carlos I’m going to call you
Bobbie! Oh and not who but what, because holy crap is he a fine
specimen. Not my type at all but I cant even deny that he is very
attractive, in case your still wondering he’s the lovely man that you
will be spending your day to day work time with. In other words the
new co-editor oh and don’t blame him about coming in either I think
he is just excited about getting to work here and stuff. He’s young
almost as young as you. About twenty-two or three I think. But yes
get your cute arse down here. And I know before you even begin the
speech trust me I know! You don’t date co-workers. You’re so flipping
frigid, un-strictly speaking of course. Love you Bea! See you in a few.”
She hung up the phone before I could even get a word in edgeways
and I grumbled angry to myself. Stupid job, stupid co-editor, stupid
life, and stupid men! Flinging my bag over my shoulder I grabbed my
blackberry off the ledge and wrote Ali a quick note explaining how the
one day I had off in a week had been taken away. I would have to
endure her speech later about the importance of saying no. Oh the
joy.

13
Chapter 3
A familiar new boss, the creepy taxi drivers and a blast
from the past.
Life in New York City on the most part is amazing; there are times
however I find it to be too much. A taxi ride is usually what does it for
me. For some reason over the last year I have found that riding in a
taxi is like going on an Internet dating site. You just get bombarded by
date offers and phone number requests. At least on a website you can
log off and politely decline, a taxi ride is a whole other story. It’s like
your trapped in the confines of a person that just makes you skin
crawl. I try desperately to walk to where I need to go; usually I
succeed and go by my day without any taxi-maxis. I laughed to myself
as I remembered the first time I was in a taxi with Ali and our drivers
name was Maxi. The man would actually not take no for an answer.
Both Ali and myself had to apply for restraining orders when he kept
visiting our house. Needless to say he was a bit freaky and we both
quickly stopped using the taxi service. Today was a bit of an
emergency and I really wanted to know how Mandy had gotten on
with her date. Standing at the edge of the curb I held my arm out and
several taxis pulled to a halt. I chuckled lightly to myself… hmm I still
got it. I climbed into the first on my right and politely told them the
address, “328 5th Ave please, oh and I am in a hurry so I will pay
extra if you go fast.” I glanced at the driver in the window and he was
surprisingly attractive, “Sure we will be there in a minute.” I smiled
genuinely at him and sat back into the headrest. Before I knew it he
announced that we had arrived and I glanced at the total displayed on
the digital screen- $8, not to bad at all. “Thanks that was really fast.” I
reached into my bag gathering my wallet and handed him a $10 bill,
“Keep the change.” He smiled at me a little to widely for my liking and
what said what I assumed to be in a seductive way. “It’s really no
problem at all.” Men. He sounded like a strangled cat in the desperate
way he was purring. I rushed out off the cab in an attempt to get away
from the freaky taxi driver and practically ran into Daily News
building. “Bea! I didn’t know you were coming in today!” Groaning I
turned around, “Hi Rob, and neither did I. If you’ll excuse me I’m late
for a meeting.” He grinned at me and I braced myself, “Hey Bea you
wanna get some coffee after you meeting I know a great new place that
just opened up maybe we could get dinner after.” Every single flipping
day he asks me. Every day it’s the same answer! Does he not
understand the concept of no? “Sorry Rob I can’t you know my policy
about not dating co-workers. I’ll see you later.” Scramming quickly I
rushed to escape into an empty elevator. Thank God that was over for
another day. I think I need to get Clare my fashion designer friend to
make me a T-shirt that’s has in big capital letter, “NOT AVAILABLE.”
Maybe he will get the picture then and leave me alone! The only
downside of my perfect job was him. Robbie: the over needy, cant take
no for an answer security guard who had taken it upon himself to ‘get
14
to know me’. I had a sixth sense when it came to that man, I actually
knew when it was coming, when he would strike and ask for my
phone number and a date. Sooner or later my waning patience was
going to wear out and I would tell him exactly why I didn’t want to go
on a date with him. Mostly his creepy nature kept me away but I
heard that he had Chlamydia from a friend as wasn’t about to risk
contracting anything. Not that I would lose my virginity to him. Pshh
as if! I felt comfortable in the confines of the elevator and let out a
gust of air that I hadn’t realized I was holding. I reached for the
number 8 and felt the elevator moving slowly upwards. They always
made me feel sick but I was too lazy to take the stairs. The doors
dinged and opened slowly and I walked through the opening doors
into the familiar setting of my floor. “Bea! Thank god you were fast I
have to tell you about my date! We’ll meet for lunch m’kay? See you
later, oh and good luck with the very gorgeous new boss.” She raised
her eyebrows suggestively at me and I cringed, “Mandy no! Wrong on
so many levels! And definitely I will swing by at 12 after I meet the
‘gorgeous new boss’.” I heard her chuckling as I made my ay though
the glass doors into my office. Flinging my bag over my shoulder I
collapsed into my chair and flicked my computer on. Slowly it
drummed to life and I opened my email folder. “Spam, spam, rob,
spam.” Wait? ROB? I clicked my intercom that connected to Mandy’s
desk, “Mandy how the fuck does Rob know my email address?” I
heard her nervous giggle from my desk, “Mandy you didn’t!” She
swivelled her chair round to face my office and shrugged, “I thought
he deserved a chance, what did he end up sending you?” I groaned
and slumped back in my chair, “Mandy you realize you’re almost as
bad as Ali?” She actually looked proud at that statement, wiping away
a false tear she grinned at me, “Thanks Bobby! I feel so fucking loved
it’s fantastic! Now meet the hunk that is your new partner! Even you
will swoon!” I sniggered at her and got up from my chair to the office
that was opposite mine. Mandy winked at me as I walked past and I
responded with my signature eye roll. I reached the glass door that
has blinds completely blocking all view. I knocked gently and heard a
muffled response, which I took as a come in gesture. Opening the door
I was shocked by the man that stood on the other side. “NO FRICKEN
WAY! Scott, is that you?” A massive smile spread across his face,
“BEA! Shit! I haven’t seen you since I transferred! How the hell have
you been?” Wow weird question. How had I been? I could answer
truthfully, and pour my heart out on him or answer with the generic
reply. The latter seemed more promising, “I’m great! How about you?
Still with Stephanie?” He looked pained and his shoulders shrunk a
bit, “Yeah I’m great too, and nah Steph broke up with me for some guy
named Hayden or something.” My mouth fell open, “Are you serious?
Stupid girl, you should know I never liked her; I only kept the
pretence up since you were so freakishly in love with her. She wasn’t
good enough for you at all. How long ago was it?” He gulped and I felt
bad for bringing all this crap up, “Err about 4 months ago on our 3rd
anniversary and she just kind of drops the bombshell. I was actually
going to ask her to marry me.” My mood went from sympathetic to
furious at the drop of a hat, “Bea I know that look, leave it alone, my
15
mate Anthony took care of it and told her what an idiot she is. Please
don’t get involved I have finally gotten over her and don’t want it to all
be brought back up and stuff. Promise me, because knowing you…
you’ll do something, make a call or make it from page news. Just
promise me you’ll leave it alone okay? Bea common promise!”
Gathering my anger I stored it away but I was still fuming, “Mmhmm”
I mumbled not trusting myself to use words. “Bea.” He warned, “Fine!
I wont ok! But Jesus she was always such a fucking fool! Inside that
head of hers was just air! She is such a stupid… moronic, idiot! And
dammit Scott I want to fucking tell her exactly how I always felt about
her!” Rolling his eyes Scott grabbed my shoulders shaking me gently,
“Bea, no. I know you hate her but really I’m fine. I think I am ready to
start dating as well so don’t worry about me, it’s all good! I’m twenty
years old there is plenty of time for me to find a girlfriend and settle
down. You worry way too much about me!” I grinned, “I suppose I do.
Hey! What are you doing tomorrow night? My friends Ali and Brian,
wait you remember Cap’ Brianna right? Gay guy?” Rolling his eyes
again he laughed, “How could I forget the epitome of gay wrapped in
one dude, of course I remember what about him?” Amused I carried
on, “Well, we are having a house warming tomorrow night because we
just moved you should come! Bring a friend with you the more the
merrier! Oh and that way I can tell them all about your embarrassing
child hood! But you should know I am angry at you for calling me in,
Sunday lately has been my only day off.” He frowned, “One day off? Is
that it seriously Bea you work yourself way to hard. Some things
never change! Oh and where do you live? If this house warming
includes free food then bring it on, I will bring my friend Anthony.”
Grinning unappeased by his previous comment I stood trying to recall
my new address. “Ermm I actually don’t know where I live, it sounds
really stupid but I haven’t bothered remembering the address, one sec
let me call Ali.” Grabbing my phone from the back pocket of my jeans I
scrolled down the contacts list to Ali’s name. Pressing the call button I
shoved the phone to my ear and waited for her answer. “GIVE ME
THOSE FUCKING SHOES YOU BITCH I SAW THEM… FIRST!” Oh god
not again! I refuse to bail her out if she gets puts in jail again, “ALI!
Put the shoes down I am not bailing you out this time! You hear me?
DOWN!” I heard her grumbling as she reluctantly let go of the shoes.
Phew, disaster averted. “What is so freaking important that I let go of
this seasons Gucci it shoes? Hmm better be fucking important!” Uh
oh. She was going to be pissed when she learned the reason for my
call. “Erm I need to know our address I am inviting an old friend to
our house warming and I forgot the address to the new place.”
Anxiously I stood waiting for her frustrated scream which I was sure
to get, “Bea you inviting someone- a male someone- a cute male
someone? As in a DATE!” Oh god no! Scott and I were so just friends!
“Yes Ali he is male, cute yes, but no not my date just a good old
friend, calm the heck down! Can I have the address now?” Of course
Ali would jump to the conclusion that Scott would the usual date guy.
Of course he’s not. Scott is so special and one day a girl would snap
him up for what he is! All the girls he had ever been with could never
truly see what a great guy he is and we were always just friends so no
16
one saw him for what he really was. Ali’s voice interrupted my
thoughts, “5th Avenue 39th Street, he better be cute Bea, and you need
a real boyfriend and not just a fling for once.” Always urging me to not
give up on love Ali has a never ending hope that one day her prince
charming will show up. Sighing, “Thanks Ali and yeah, yeah see you
at home.” I heard a sharp intake of breath, “Bea tell me you’re not at
work.” Uh oh… “Ermm, I’m not at work.” I was so hopeless at lying
that she saw straight though it, even on the phone, “BEA! What the
hell is wrong with you! Do you actually enjoy work and are a freak
or... I don’t know! You make me so confused!” She actually sounded
worried, “Ali I just came to work to meet the new co-editor and found
out that it’s an old friend. Don’t worry I’m not crazy I am leaving now
okay!” I could practically hear her eyebrow being raised whilst she
answered me, “Sure you are. Sure. Love you Bobby see you at home!”
Evil, she knows how much I hate that stupid nickname; eh two can
play at that game! “Ha! Yeah whatever Ben! See you at home!”
Laughing to myself I turned to face Scott who had an amused
expression on his face, “Ben and Bobby? Do I even want to know?” Oh
god he had heard! “ Yes you do it’s an epic tale! But I’ll save it for
tomorrow. The address is 5th Avenue 39th street apartment 62B. I gotta
go I promised my wacko friend to leave the office so I’ll see you
tomorrow bright and early!” He looked confused as if he was
pondering over something, “5th Avenue 39th Street? You sure?” What’s
this all about? “Yep definite why?” His smile was intoxicating, “I’m
apartment 94A! My best bud Anthony lives in the building too.” Was
he serious? That’s some serious coincidence right there! “Awesome!
This is going to be a blast are you leaving now because I’m going
home, I already wrote my column so I’m not needed here?” Nodding
his head he walked to his desk, “Yeah one sec let me just call Anthony
and we can go.” I leaned against the doorframe until I saw Mandy’s
obnoxious waving to gesture me over. “Bea! You know him? From
where! Details!” Chuckling at my over excited friend I sat on the ledge
of her desk, “Oh we were really good friends in high school but he
transferred in junior year to some strange country with no Internet or
phone capabilities so we lost contact. Oh and before you ask no we
never went out, and no I don’t want to.” Smiling at me, “I wasn’t going
to ask, I could tell you guys were just friends but does he maybe have
a cute brother or friend?” Chuckling I nodded my head, “Maybe, your
coming tomorrow night right? I think he’s bringing a friend.” Her face
lit up at the sound of that, “ Of course I’m coming, I’ll see you at seven
my dear!” Laughing I got up from her desk and saw Scott standing
with an amused expression on his face, “Ready to go Bobby?” Rolling
my eyes I walked to him and gave a playful hit across the arm, “Shut
up! Bye Carlos!” I yelled behind me and we turned out of the office
and into an empty elevator, “Carlos?” Scott looked at me perplexed.
“Yeah Mandy is Carlos, I’m Bobby, Ali as Ben and Brian is Captain
Brianna. You’re already a boy so maybe we will have to give you an
honorary girl name. What you think? You look like a Nicole or Yvette?”
Almost choking in laughter he hit my arm, “Yvette? Where do come up
with these names?” Smiling I was brought back to my favourite article
about names and there important, “Eh, I wrote an article once about
17
the importance of male names and how they can make or break a
relationship. I ended up looking at female names just for the fun of it
in the end too. It was amusing to say the least.” His laughter subsided
after a few seconds and he leaned against the elevator wall, “I bet it
was. Jeez I haven’t that hard since the last time I saw you!” I was
brought back to the time we had a food fight in my room the last day
Scott was is town. It was so fricken funny but I was grounded for
three months after that. It sucked but was so funny! “I remember! My
mom almost burst a blood vessel when she saw my room. Three
months I was grounded you realize that!” He frowned, “I got four!
How’s that fair!” How illogical was that? “Umm dude! Do you not
remember how trashed my room was? I had to clean it all up! I would
have gladly taken another month if you had cleaned the mash potato
out of my carpet! Oh and the beans in the rug was the worst! It was so
sticky! Ughh incredibly good times and bad all mixed in one!” He
looked relieved, “I totally forgot about how you would have to clean
that up. God my four months looks brilliant next to that!” I put a
serious face on, “Damn straight they do! I was in the midst of food for
a week before it was all cleaned up. Not the mention how pissed my
mom was for wreaking my jeans. She wouldn’t stop going on about it!
Oh hey you want to share a cab.” We climbed out of the elevator and
walked though the revolving doors, “Yep sure common.” I reached my
hand out and a cab stopped, Scott reached to open my door and I
smiled, “It doesn’t matter that I have thrown mash potato at you
carpet and hair if my mom knew I wasn’t opening your door she would
butcher me alive!” I chuckled; it was true of course Heidi- Scott’s
mother was an extreme believer in chivalry. “Oh my god! How is she?
Is she still in erm… where did you move again?” he seemed annoyed
that I couldn’t remember the name, “Shonasburgh is not that strange
of a place you know! I can’t believe you still can say it! And no she’s
not they are all living in Chicago. The cold got to be a bit too much
and she wanted a change in scenery, we moved back last year and I
met Anthony at a night college course. He’s a doctor down at the
hospital on 5th. I was studying psychology and then did a creative
writing course and well now I’m doing this! How long have you worked
here?” Hmm a doctor? Maybe Ali will go for him, “Oh umm a few
months, I write a column and it got really great feedback so when the
old editor died the put me in charge temporarily. I think they will
replace with some corporate guy soon but oh well, so far it’s been
amazing!” Glancing down at my watch I noticed how quickly time had
passed, “Shit Scott! Ali is going to kill me we need to get back now!
Common taxi faster!” As if the taxi was unknowingly following my
command we started going faster and faster with no traffic holding us
back. That never happens! Freaking New York City for God’s sake!
Well whatever I’m not complaining! A few seconds later the taxi
screeched to a halt and Scott dug through his coat pockets for the
fare. Shoving into the taxi driver’s face we clamoured out and
practically ran into the building. “Your awfully scared of your best
friend!” Chuckling frightened I spoke with a deliberate ominous tone,
“Just wait until you meet Ali.” Laughing at the seriousness of my
expression we ended up having to rush into an elevator that was just
18
about to shut. That of course brought my mind right back to earlier,
and the man with the sapphire eyes.

Chapter 4
The Line and the Land
“Ok Scott this is me, I’ll text you tomorrow to remind you to come
over! I’m not letting you pass the amazing opportunity of spending
time with me up.” Rolling his eyes he nodded his head seriously, “Oh
yeah… I wouldn’t miss it for the world. God B! Still as arrogant as
usual!” I stared at him incredulously, “Arrogant! I am like the least
arrogant person ever! Aside from you! I swear you like the only guy I
know who blushes when a cute girl smiles at him! It’s so funny! Oh
my god! Please tell me you still do that!” Shuffling his feet
uncomfortably Scott gazed at his feet. “Umm yeah. But I can’t control
it! It’s not my fault!” Same Scotty as before and I wouldn’t have it any
other way! “I know just like I cant control my apparent ‘arrogance’.
Well we can argue about this tomorrow! See you late loser!” I loved
how carefree I could still be carefree with him even after all these
years. “Yeah whatever Bobby.” The sound of that name halted my
steps. Oh he’s good! Still knows exactly how to push my buttons.
“Yeah! Never call me that again. See you later Scott.” Waving I skipped
down the hallway leading to the apartment. “ Honeys! I’m HO-ME!” I
giggled lightly to myself at our little tradition. We were like a married
couple or something, I think our neighbours would have thought we
were a lesbian couple if Brian hadn’t of been clever enough to move
next door. “In my bedroom darling! AND BRIAN NO FOR FUCK SAKE!
IT’S A CLUB NOT A FUCKING CIRCUS. I REFUSE TO DRESS LIKE A
LEATHERED UP HOOKER!” Rolling my eyes at their extreme
immaturity I dropped my bags and made my way to Ali’s bedroom.
Making my way to the door I contemplated whether or not to even
mention Scott’s surprise arrival to Ali. She had been under the
ridiculous notion ever since the first time that I had mentioned him
that we were meant to be. Apparently it was just ‘waiting to happen’
little did she know Scott and I had always been very open to the fact
that we did not find the other sexually attractive. It must have been
because we were so undeniably close that even the thought of a
romantic relationship with the other makes our stomachs churn. As I
approached the door I decided it would be safer if I saved my own butt
and casually ‘forget’ to mention he is coming until ten minutes before
guests were due to arrive. Taking a deep breath I entered the hellhole
that Ali liked to call her bedroom. “Al, I am assuming it was you
screaming those shocking profanities?” I had to hold my laughter in
furiously as I caught sight of her expression. She was totally flustered
in the midst of hundreds of clothes in her usually perfectly primped
room. “Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell happened to you fucking
room?” It is common knowledge that Ali had a mild case of OCD and
likes things to be kept nice and tidy. Her bedroom at the moment

19
looked like a hurricane had hit it. Her eyes turned beady as she
looked up at me, “You want to know what happened to my fucking
bedroom? A fucking tornado going by the name Brian stopped by. He
is helping me pick my outfit for tomorrow and is adamant like I go
looking as if I stepped out of the fucking playboy mansion.” Wow Ali
hadn’t sworn so much since so girl got the last Chanel quilted bag in
Macys. Good times. “Wow Ali breathe! Go back to your happy place
whilst I get Brian in here to clean this God-awful mess! BRIAN! GET
YOUR OVERLY HOT ASS IN HERE NOW!” After some grumbling from
his part I heard a muffled reply that sounded as if it came form the
kitchen, “Coming mom… jeez! Stupid Ali and her stupid OCD-ness.”
He was so right, both of us been at the tail end of Ali and her
craziness, especially when it came to her freakishly neat bedroom.
Everything had to be put in it’s proper place and she would go into a
screaming fit if she noticed that something have been moved without
her consent. It was like living in a freaking library. Each of her books
were perfectly organised according to alphabet, then year published
and then personal preference. It was so funny when she found a book
out of place because she actually called a ‘roommates meeting’.
Nevertheless the fact her room was in the state that it was is a flat out
shocker. Ali represents the epitome of general hygiene; she almost
castrated me when I left a bra on my chair. See that’s the only issue I
have with her OCD disorder, she doesn’t drop it to the confines of her
room, the whole house has to be perfectly spotless. I felt truly sorry
for the wrath that Ali was about to unleash upon Brian. That is if he
ever had the courage to walk into the room. Ali was going to get even
madder surely he knew that. “”BRIAN GET YOU FUCKING ASS IN
THIS ROOM NOW! I AM GOING TO BURN YOUR SILK UNDERWEAR
IN 10 SECONDS. Bea get me my lighter from the draw.” Brian must
have heard the last part of the conversation because he came running
into the room screaming, “Not the underwear! Please not the
underwear! Have some mercy!” If Brian had a prized possession it was
his silk boxers. For some reason he loved them and every time we
went shopping he had to buy another pair. I think at the moment his
number was up lose to three hundred pairs. Every pair was precious
in his eyes and he went mental when Ali threatened to do anything to
them. Burning was seen as just plain devious and Ali knew exactly
what she was doing. About two years ago after we finished a French
voluntary class, Brian, Ali and I all went to the pub and got totally
smashed. Some time between bears we constructed a list of rules that
we liked to call the ‘line and the land’. The concept was utterly
preposterous and was just me screaming a loud of gibberish which
they seemed to just lap up. I ranted about how talking about freaky
ex’s was crossing the line and that from then on there was ‘land’ that
you had to stay on. It was all very confusing but every time one of us
does something which we believe to be against the set rules we just
scream, “THE LINE THE LAND,” and the person is reminded of their
boundaries. Over the years it has developed into a game of sorts and
now there was a hefty list of this that we are bound not to mention.
Brian had commanded amongst other that we were not allowed to
tamper with his underwear in any way. Of course Ali went around this
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by just threatening to do something to them rather than actually
doing anything. It was hilarious to see Brian get all flustered and not
realize that she actually wouldn’t do anything to his poor underwear.
Brians panicked screams echoed through the hallway as he rushed
into Ali’s strangely messy room, “ALI NO! I WILL CLEAN IT, PLEASE
WHAT DID THE PANTIES DO TO YOU!” I could barely hold the
boisterous laughter in when Brian cam in saying that. He never
ceased to surprise me. I always envied the way that Brian could be
completely carefree and yet still have a really serious side to him when
you needed it to be there. I never understood why I had such great
friends like those two. They kept me completely entertained twenty
four seven. Marvelling over Brian’s personality is always so much fun
since he is always completely true to himself. Ali is exactly the same
except she is less insane. The way her lips were puckered into a
annoyed pout was completely priceless. She was sitting on the foot of
her bed looking thoroughly annoyed by Brian’s screaming and messy
tendencies. “Brian, take it down and octave or two! Jeez I think both
Bea and I would like to hear after this argument is over.” I nodded my
head furiously remembering the annoying pinging noise that Ali and I
had both suffered the last time Brian and I had a screaming match. “I
totally second that! Lets keep our voices at a regular screaming level,
not going totally insane into your own little league ‘cough’ Brian.”
Rolling his eyes at our seriousness he leaned against the door frame
glancing at an imaginary watch on his left wrist, “You guys done? Or
should I set up shop for the day?” I glanced over at Ali, “Hmm I’m not
sure, I think all our bases are pretty much covered what you reckon
Bobster?” Ali nodded her head in a professorial manner, “Yes I think
so. Now to the matter at hand.” Ali smoothed her shirt out and flicked
her hair out of her face- a clear sign she meant business. “Brian, dear
old Brianna, would you like to tell exactly why the fuck my room looks
as if a bloody bomb hit it?” I painfully winced as Ali’s words gradually
got higher and higher until the room was echoing with a high pitched
squeak. “ALI PLEASE! DOWN AN OCTAVE OR TWO.” She glanced
back at me irritated and murmured a half-hearted apology. “Anyway.
Brian care to explain yourself? If you can?” I had to hold my laughter
in whilst glancing at his expression. He actually looked freaked. It
amazed me that Ali at hundred and ten pounds was scaring Brian
shitless- a man who was almost as tall as the both of us put together.
“Well… you see… ermm… I just wanted to help you out for your
interview and I got a bit excited I’m really sorry! Oh! And we have to
help Bea get ready on Friday for her date too! It’s only two days away!
Please forgive me Ali!” Ali’s face went from pissed to just plain excited.
“I wont forget this Brian but- A DATE! YAY! Oh em geeee! She can
wear that rose top and red cardigan, jean shorts? OR the grey top and
ruffle skirt? Why didn’t you say so earlier Bea! You know how much I
love organizing dates! Choices, choices lets do a mini fashion show to
see what the good possibilities are!” Brian looked ready to double over
with laughter at Ali’s easy distraction but he had known me long
enough to see that it wasn’t wise to piss me off more that necessary.
Whatever, it was one date it can’t be that bad… hopefully. “Brian I
will, and don’t doubt me, kill you for unleashing the freaky ‘excited
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Ali’.” Brian smirked at my anger pleased to have the attention on me
and off of him for a change.

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