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Causes & Cures of Marital Disputes and Divorces

Causes & Cures of Marital Disputes and Divorces

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Published by Nasrin Akther

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Published by: Nasrin Akther on Jun 02, 2013
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05/14/2014

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“If$they$both$wish$for$peace,$Allâh$will$cause$their$reconciliation.$Indeed$Allâh$is$Ever$All<Knower,$Well<Acquainted$with$all$things”$(4:35).$
!
Causes of Marital Disputes & Divorces
!There!are!many!causes!of!the!disputes!and!divorcing!or!problems!inside!the!family.!One!main!reason!is!Ignorance.!The!ignorance!about!why!we!are!here,!who!is!our!enemy,!how!should!we!treat!our!problems,!and!how!we!should!deal!with!each!other.!All!of!these!questions!are!only!answered!in!the!Sharia!(Legislation)!of!Islam.!And!one!needs!first!of!all!to!build!up!the!fear!of!Allah!in!his!heart!and!keep!it!always!present!and!work!upon!that.!!!Another!main!reason!for!this!is!selfishness.!The!selfishness!once!it!is!found!in!a!person,!the!sacrifice!disappears.!And!when!the!sacrifice!disappears,!there!will!be!a!gap!between!this!person!and!the!other!because!all!that!this!person!is!looking!for!is!his!needs!and!desires!only.!We!should!look!to!the!biography!of!the!Prophet!
sallallahu$alayhe$wa$sallam$
and!the!companions!
radi$ Allahu$anhum
.!And!when!I!talk!to!my!sisters,!I!should!focus!or!concentrate!on!the!biographies!of!the!female!companions!
radi$ Allahu$anhunna
,!as!to!how!did!they!treat!each!other!or!their!husbands!and!the!family.!And!that!is!why!we!find!the!number!of!incidents!of!divorcing!or!kulla!that!took!place!in!the!time!of!the!Messenger!of!Allah!
sallallahu$alayhe$wa$sallam
!very!little.!That!is!because!they!understood,!the!husband!and!wife,!the!purpose!of!creation.!And!they!knew!that!these!type!of!disputes,!divorcing,!and!problems!or!family!problems!are!from!the!main!interrupters!in!the!issue!of!worshipping!and!serving!Allah,!the!Most!High.!So,!it!is!the!selfishness!and!greediness.!!The!other!reason!is!gentleness.!The!disappearance!of!gentleness!in!dealing!with!one!another!or!in!the!family!would!necessarily!cause!the!gap!between!them.!And!the!shaytan!will!drive!very!well!to!lead!to!the!divorce!and!disputes.!So,!we!have!to!be!gentle!when!we!deal!with!each!other.!!!Also,!looking!for!an!excuse!for!any!mistakes!that!happen!from!the!other.!And!when!the!husband!and!wife!fail!to!find!an!excuse!for!one!another!and!any!mistake!that!they!do,!then!there!will!be!a!big!gap!that!is!used!by!the!shaytan!to!lead!to!disputes!and!divorcing.!!!Also,!the!respect!of!the!person’s!position!and!I!mean!by!that!the!husband!should!know!his!duty!and!respected!by!fulfilling!it.!And!he!should!know!the!rights!of!the!wife!and!fulfill!it.!!And!same!thing!with!the!wife,!she!should!know!the!duty!of!the!wife!and!respected!by!fulfilling!it.!And!she!should!know!the!rights!of!the!husband!and!fulfill!it.!!Also,!from!the!things!that!corrupt!the!relationship!between!the!couple!are!the!mediators.!And!I!mean!by!that!the!friends,!the!family,!or!the!other!family!members!who!only!know!how!to!glue!and!put!fire!on!it.!So,!as!I!said!the!mediators!between!the!husband!and!wife!should!be!selected!carefully!who!we!should!take!as!advisor!and!discuss!the!issues!with!him/her.!And!our!duty!in!this!area!is!to!look!to!his/her!religion!to!know!if!they!are!religious!people.!And!second!is!how!successful!he/she!is!in!the!house.!The!third!is!how!many!advises!he/she!gave!to!others!or!reconciliation.!And!by!that!we!come!to!know!how!to!avoid!disputes!and!divorces.!!But!at!the!end!we!have!to!know!that!it!is!a!relation!between!two!human!beings,!who!can!make!mistakes,!who!can!be!angry!sometimes,!and!do!things!like!these.!If!we!understand!that!then!we!would!know!how!to!build!up!our!lives!nicely!and!correctly!as!the!Prophet!
sallallahu$alayhe$wa$sallam$
did.!It!is!not!that!complicated!thing!to!do!or!know.!So,!you!can!make!your!life!comfortable!and!avoid!any!disputes!and!divorces.!!!One!as!the!Messenger!of!Allah!
sallallahu$alayhe$wa$sallam$
did!when!he!told!Aysha!
radi$Allahu$anha
!the!story!of!the!eleven!women!of!Yemen!who!sat!together!(speaking!about!their!husbands).!It!is!called!the!hadith!of!Umm!Zarrah!that!the!Messenger!of!Allah!
sallallahu$alayhe$wa$sallam$
told!to!Aysha!
radi$Allahu$anha
!and!showed!her!how!he!
sallallahu$alayhe$wa$sallam
!was!so!kind!and!gentle!with!her,!even!better!than!the!best!example!(of!the!husband)!of!the!eleven!women!in!the!hadith!of!Umm!Zarrah.!!And!the!other!thing!is!what!Imam!Ahmed!
rahimahu$Allah$
said.!He!said!nothing!could!make!the!life!better!other!than!ignoring!the!mistakes!or!problems!that!are!caused!by!the!other.!!So,!by!these!two!things!beside!what!I!already!explained!of!the!causes!of!the!disputes!and!divorces,!if!we!understand!all!these!together!and!work!upon!them,!then!InshaaAllah!we!can!guarantee!a!better!life,!a!very!comfortable!life,!and!an!easy!life.!
[Source:$Sisters$for$Sisters’$last$event$lecture$by$Shaykh$Muhammad$Al<Maliki.$Edited$by$Nasrin$As.Salafiyah]
!!!
Cures for Marital Disputes & Divorces
!You!will!not!find!a!home!free!from!marital!discord!rather!there!is!not!a!man!except!that!he!will!face!opposition!in!his!lifetime,! just!as!Ibn!Wardee!said!in!his!Laamiyyah:!
There$is$not$a$person$except$he$will$be$opposed,$even$if$he$withdrew$himself$to$the$top$of$a$mountain.$
It!is!not!strange!for!marital!problems!to!occur!inside!the!house.!If!any!home!would!be!free!from!marital!discord!it!would!have!been!the!Prophet’s!
sallallahu$alayhe$wa$sallam
!house.!The!problem!is!not!that!disputes!occur,!but!the!problem!is!in!your!means!of!rectification.!So,!I!advise!you!and!your!husband!with!that!which!will!rectify!your!marriage.!From!among!the!ways:!!!
First:'
Marital!discord!is!like!a!storm,!and!a!person!cannot!see!clearly!during!a!storm.!So,!it!is!an!error!on!your!behalf!to!think!you!can!resolve!the!problem!while!in!the!midst!of!it.!So,!the!best!way!to!resolve!marital!problems!is!to!leave!the!storm,!choosing!a!better!time!and!place!to!address!the!issue.!How!many!decisions!have!been!made!during!a!marital!dispute,!which!afterwards!either!the!husband!or!wife!regretted?!At!that!time!regret!is!of!no!avail.!!!
Second:'
The!Islamic!Legislation!has!prohibited!you!from!leaving!the!home!(without!your!husband’s!consent);!and!for!him!to!expel!you!from!the!home!is!an!even!greater!crime!according!to!the!Islamic!Legislation,!as!Allah!says,!
“And$turn$them$not$out$of$their$(husband's)$homes$nor$shall$they$(themselves)$leave,$except$in$case$they$are$guilty$of$some$open$illegal$sexual$intercourse.$And$those$are$the$set$limits$of$Alh.$And$whosoever$transgresses$the$set$limits$of$Allâh$then$indeed$he$has$wronged$himself.$You$(the$one$who$divorces$his$wife)$know$not$it$may$be$that$Allâh$will$afterward$bring$some$new$thing$to$ pass$(i.e.$to$return$her$back$to$you$if$that$was$the$first$or$second$divorce)”$(65:1).$
!!Leaving!your!husband’s!home!is!prohibited!and!it!only!complicates!the!problem.!You!haven’t!committed!any!illicit!behavior!that!will!cause!you!to!be!expelled!or!to!leave!fleeing!from!your!husband’s!home.!Rather!it!is!incumbent!upon!you!to!remain!and!try!every!means!possible!to!resolve!your!marital!problems.!!!
Third:'
Holding!yourself!accountable!and!critically!examining!the!defects!within!yourself!is!from!the!most!important!ways!in!resolving!your!problems.!This!will!help!you!avoid!disputes!with!lies!and!demanding!that!which!you!are!not!entitled!to.!So,!ponder!upon!what!led!to!the!problem.!Did!you!do!anything!wrong!or!not?!The!extent!to!which!you!acknowledge!your!mistakes!shows!your!determination!to!resolving!the!problem.!!!As!for!thinking!that!the!truth!only!resides!with!you!and!his!thinking!the!same,!then!there!does!not!exist!between!the!both!of!you!any!shared!responsibility!which!will!result!in!rectification.!However,!when!both!of!you!acknowledge!your!mistakes,!the!problem!will!subside,!its!size!will!diminish,!and!its!circumference!will!tighten,!making!it!easy!to!resolve.!!!
Forth:'
“Allah$does$not$increase$a$slave$who$pardons$except$in$nobility”$(Muslim),$
as!our!Prophet!
sallallahu$alayhe$wa$sallam$
has!stated;!marital!rights!encourages!this.!Oh!my!sister,!your!

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