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April 6, 2009Page 2
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Golddigger Staff
Sara Post
The Boss Lady
Lily Giddings
The Enforcer
Zachary Boerner
Grammar Nazi
Abdullah Ahmed
Money Magnet
Amanda Graninger
Nerdy Dirty Creative Genius
Ryan Browne
CP’s Next Lead Developer
Cericia Martinez
Not Appearing in this Film
Robert Gill
Left Hand of Darkness
Ian Littman
Sara’s Personal Lackey
Mike Stone
Harbinger of the Apocalypse
Tim Weilert
That Hipster Engineer
Jake Rezac
95% Statistically Perfect
Spencer Nelson
Not an Emo, really
Neelha Mudigonda
Where the $#&!@ are my writers?
David Frossard
The Puppet Master
Headlines from around the world
Ryan Browne,
Basket Case
The only guy paying attention
Local News
Nobody seems to care about
Paris Hilton
any more, E! Newsreports. It is possible that this isbecause the average Americanis becoming smarter, though re-
searchers nd this unlikely. Further
-more, no one seems to care whatE! News says.
North Korea
has released
newly revised history books claim
-ing, among other things, that DearLeader Kim Jong Il started andwon World War II, is directly re-sponsible for gravity, can divide by
zero, and can defeat Chuck Norris
in hand-to-hand combat.
Following the controversy
caused by his statement that“white people with blue eyes” are
responsible for the current nancial
crisis,
Brazilian president Lulada Silva
has claried his statement
by suggesting that white peoplewith brown eyes deserve some of the blame as well.
In a little-known clause of the
Cutler trade,
Kyle Orton
will be in-troduced in all future starts as “Rex
Grossman’s backup.” Coach Josh
McDaniels believes that this will ac-curately represent exactly what justhappened.Producers of
Fast and Furi-ous
recently admitted that thenew movie contains only 40%
new footage. When asked why themovie wasn’t completely relmed,
producers responded by saying “itwas easier this way.”Only 5% of Americans claimto truly understand the cause of the
fnancial crisis
. This same
5% variously identied the cause
as illegal immigrants, Chinese
inltration, the Black Plague,
supporters of Scottish indepen-
dence, and NBC’s short-lived
sitcom
Joey
. According to
Saturday Night Live
, “Rhode Island is nei-ther a road nor an island. Discuss.” The
European Union
dis-
solved last week over disagree
-ments regarding representationin the European Parliament. “OldEuropean” countries have arguedthat economic power should beaccounted for, while Eastern Eu-ropean countries argue that other
factors like nondescript, dismalconcrete buildings should be taken
into account.
French students
took to the
streets in protest for no appar-
ent reason last week. The strike
caused many roads to shut downin the heart of Paris and is estimat-ed to cost around $10 million inlost productivity. This sort of thinghappens all the time. A new study released by Ports-mouth University discovered that
men and women
often disagreeon fairly mundane subjects. This
study is considered denitive be
-
cause it took 20 years and cost
$55 million.In the interest of lowering costsfor shoppers,
Wal-Mart
has announcedthat it willonly useelectricity during nighttime hours.Customers are encouraged to
purchase ashlights for use duringshopping and to check the tem
-perature of all frozen foods beforepurchase. The
internet
in Eastern Ken-
tucky became sentient on Wednes
-day. Though initially hailed as a
potential source of knowledge, it
turns out the internet is as lazy asmost of its users and primarily in-terested in pornography. Addition-ally, its stories are long and don’t
lead anywhere, making it a poor
dinner companion. After realizing that
test scores
in most subjects have been drop-ping for the past two decades, theUnited States federal governmentdecided to doctor test scores forcomparison to other countries’.
An ofcial from the Department of
Education defended this move bysaying that “all statistics are madeup anyway.”
President Barack Obama
broke one of his fundamental cam
-
paign promises this week, when hedid a full break-dancing routine onthe Senate oor.
Diamond AnniversarE-Days
was ofcially changed to IcE-
Days on Saturday morning af-
ter the Cardboard Boat Race
and Trebuchet Contest wereboth postponed due to nastyblowing snow and freezingcold.Retaliation against the Colo-rado School of Mines’s E-Daystheme reached its second year
of conict, when the living dead
were “blinged-out” with dia-monds. The death of the newspa-per to more convenient newssources, such as the internet,was delayed for just a moment,when a Mines student stoppedfor a split-second to read a fea-ture about a fellow student, toonly realize seconds later, thatit was satire about Sir IsaacNewton. Aliens from the planet
known as “Tiny speck on the
distance of the universe” land-ed on Kafadar Commons atthe Colorado School of Mines
this past week. According toan alien spokesthing, the new
LEDs from the M were able to
break through the pollution of the Earth’s atmosphere, mak
-ing contact with the extra ter-restrial life forms. Apparently,they come wanting soup. Two grad students in cli-mate studies have discoveredthat the winter weather this
week was actually caused by
Old Man Winter missing his
alarm clock in late February. He
is now compensating for sleep-ing through most of March.
New York City, NY
– The Mathematics and Computer Science department and
the Economics and Business Department, both of the Colorado School of Mines,have announced that in the last week they managed to make gains of over 3% in thestock market. The consortium has announced that they have been able, with theirnewfound wealth, to buy Ford, JP Morgan-Chase, and Apple. Speculation has been
swirling around the stunning success of the consortium. The most popular theory is
that they managed to hack into Google, gain control of CADIE, and force her to run
a complex formula that has been reportedly under development by the Economics
and Business Department for several years. The consortium announced on Monday,to everyone’s great disappointment, “We are honored that people think that we havethat kind of skill, but really, we could not get past the rst rewall, which we later
found out was just a web server. Really, we just guessed. To all of you who have tried
to determine our formula, ‘Hahaha.’”
Alaska
- Geologists studying the Mount Redoubt eruptions have discovered a
phenomenon that has startling implications for Asia. It appears that the Pacic plateis accelerating away from the North American Plate at an alarming rate. However, thePacic plate does not appear to be impacting the Eurasian plate at the same rate. Itappears that a new mountain range is growing in the middle of the Pacic Ocean. The
geophysics of this phenomenon are not yet fully understood. China and the United
States are currently ghting over who will have control of this new mountain range, as
it appears that oil is forming under it at a rate of 10 billion barrels per day. Tomorrow,it is expected that 97% of Physics majors will transfer to Petroleum Engineering, and80% of that will not be due to GPA problems.
Switzerland
- On Wednesday, CERN announced that they had been working 25 hourseach day to ready the Large Hardon Collider (LHC) for its rst test. Apparently, they havebeen performing tests on the system for 2 weeks. Finally, on Wednesday, the LHC was used
for the second time. CERN physicists have announced that they managed to conclusively
prove the existence of the God particle, the so-called Higgs-Boson. The physicists were
surprised, however, to discover that the God Particle is less massive than believed. All of
particle physics, and most of quantum physics, is being reworked, and the new theories will
be announced next Thursday.
Colorado
– Coal extracted from Edgar Mine, the Colorado School of Mines training mine, wasdiscovered to burn cleaner than even the best coal pulled from other mines, a discovery over the
weekend showed. Mining Engineers from the Colorado School of Mines have proposed a theory- 50 barrels of whiskey were broken in a small cave-in. While this allows the coal that was soakedin the whiskey to burn cleaner, the Mining Engineers claim that 3 of them sobered up over E-Daysdue to the lack of whiskey.
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