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April 7, 2008Page 3
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The annual meeting of Father Time, Mother Nature, the EasterBunny, Cupid, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the groundhogclan’s representative shockedthe world with the announcementthat July will now follow August.Central to the argument are theholidays that span both months.In an attempt to bring equalityto this United States-dominatedworld, the more internationalmonth of August will dethroneJuly as the king of summer.Boasting the independencedays of Singapore, Ecuador, In-dia, Pakistan, Uruguay and Ma-laysia as well as the end of WorldWar II, the “Council of the Wise”thought it was time to give Au-gust the praise it deserves (they
also sent it a nice mufn basket).
July, proud commemoratorof Canada Day and the U.S.’sindependence day, burst intotears upon hearing the tragicnews. Soon after, July went on adrunken rampage that would puteven Lindsey Lohan to shame.In response to this embarrass-ing act of immaturity, the councilthen threatened to give July evenmore Canadian holidays if it didnot start acting with the dignityall Gregorian calendar monthsmust show. Needless to say, Julystopped drinking that minute.
July to follow August
Disgruntled Calendar Slave
When pressed to elaborateon its rationale for switching themonths, the council revealedits deeper thought process.Far from being anti-American,they wanted to encourage the American people to learn moreabout the world around them.Direct from the press re-lease here is Santa’s latesttirade, “The people of theUnited States should take amomentary break from self-glorification and embrace theother citizens of the world.”More intensive investigationinto this decidedly shady SantaClaus character exposed a
nasty secret, jolly ole Saint Nick is not a happy fat man at all. After thoroughly reading hisprivate journal (which, mightI add, is covered with hearts
and owers) the truth emerged.
The economic boom of the 90’srocketed Christmas spendingto previously unimaginable lev-els. The consequential drasticgrowth in present volume provedtoo much for Santa’s back. A crippled Santa was helpedto the Hospital for MagicalPersons with seven herniateddiscs on the Christmas of 1998. This illuminating report imme-diately spurred another meetingof the “Council of the Wise”,this time without St. Nick. Fromthis moment onwards, the for-mer Santa Claus will now becalled Captain Grumpy Pants. Additionally, children willbe asked to leave Icy Hotand Advil by the fireplace onChristmas Eve instead of thetraditional milk and cookies.Unfortunately, due to the“Statutes of the Wise” the coun-cil can only make two major an-nouncements every year. Theselimitations will leave Augustelevated in its newfound posi-tion of glory for at least this year.
Upon attaining conrmation
of this radical change, softwarecompanies furiously updatedtheir programs while the calen-dar giants initiated the largestrecall ever seen by the industry.Certain models of the everpopular Blackberry phonesdeveloped a serious internalerror when updated with thenew software, resulting in theseries of explosions reported inboard rooms all over the country.Fortunately, July and Augustare perfect months to switchplaces. December and Janu-ary is the only other “sequentialmonth pair” that shares thesame amount of days. Thisstroke of luck has lead to theinitiation of several govern-ment sponsored programs titled“Reclaiming Your Summer.” This series of motivationallectures encourages Americansof all ages to not be baffledby the radical changes oc-curring in the calendar world.Highly successfully, the“Reclaiming” program hasbrought a halt to the country-wide rioting of school childrenwho were protesting schoolstarting a full month early.Long live August!Short live Captain GrumpyPants!Down with the Blackberry!Brought to you by SnackySmores.
Look out Tooth Fairy, he sees you when you’re sleeping!
Americans to learn more about other countries’ holidays
At a special press conferenceheld Monday, Democratic presiden-tial candidate Hillary Clinton shockedsupporters with her admission thatshe, much like opponent Barack Obama, is opposed to racism.Clinton, who is in second placeand falling behind Obama in theDemocraticpresidentialnominationprocess, hadyet to make a
-ment shunningracism beforeMonday. AfterObama re-leased state-ments con-cerning Ameri-can citizens asadults on theissue of rac-ism on March18
, pressurecame downon the Clin-ton campaignto changestrategies fromsimply crying every time Hillarydoesn’t get what she wants.“I am the daughter of a whiteman from Pennsylvania and a whitewoman from Illinois. I was raisedin a white neighborhood, went toa mostly white college, my familyreunions are all white and for aslong as I live, I will never forget that...um… I don’t like racism either!”With those comments beingmade, a banner was unveiled be-hind Clinton, with her campaign’snew slogan: “Hillary – the NewBlack”. This replaces her old slogan,“Please vote for me? Please?” andparallels her husband’s campaignslogan for office in 1996, “Waitto see all of me in my next term.”Less than three weeks re-main until the important Penn-sylvania primary, and Hillary’scomments are expected toharm her in the upcoming race.“Hillary’s all white and quitefrankly ugly. Obama? Well, Obama’sgot that sexy black ass and every-one wants to see a hottie in theWhite House,” commented The View’s Sherri Shephard. “Did youknow he’s related to Brad Pitt?If Obama makes it, Brad Pitt willbe Secretary of Sexy. Mark mywords.” Sherri then jumped up andstarted dancing to Obama’s cam-paign them song, “Yes We Can.”Some people have taken a more
frm, strictly political approach to the
news. “The last thing Americanswant is another anti-racism candi-date. If Hillary wanted to distinguishherself, a statement promoting rac-
ism would’ve been benefcial – we
all remember how the presidentialcampaigns of George Wallaceand Strom Thur-mond went,”said JamesCarville, formeradvisor for BillClinton. Car-ville continued,“We’ve alreadygot an anti-racistcandidate. If shewants to win thesouth she needsto be the op-posite of that.”Clinton’scampaign man-ager, MaggieWilliams, re-plied to theseworries. “Webelieve that Hillaryappeals to the anti-racist commu-nity more than Mr. Obama does.Our new slogan simply relaysthis belief to the public at large. As to whether Obama is moresexy than Hillary? No comment.”It is up to the American public todecide, but so far, Obama wins theanti-racist vote and the teen beat vote. The Obama campaign hasyet to comment on the issue.
Hillary: “I don’t like racism either!”
JAKE REZAC / OREDIGGER
Hillary makes ridiculous statement.