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The Oredigger Issue 24 - April 7, 2008

The Oredigger Issue 24 - April 7, 2008

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Published by The Oredigger
The Oredigger Volume 88, Issue 24
The Oredigger Volume 88, Issue 24

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Published by: The Oredigger on Apr 24, 2009
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The Annoying Voice of the Colorado School of Mines, a Sub-par Education in Vague Science and Engi-shmeering
 Volume 88, Issue 24 April 7, 2008
News 2Features 4sPOrts 9OPiNiON 10satire - 11
Mike Jones was a normal boy.He was very successful in schooland captain of the tennis team.By his account, he was trying tolearn a new skill: throwing cards.“I saw David Blaine do it onceand hit a camera from acrossa street,” said Mike. “I thoughtit’d be cool to learn how to do.”He had been practicing fora week with his friend JeremySpencer before trying to improvetheir skill with something else.Jeremy had found a specialdeck of playing cards on eBayand both of the boys believedthey could achieve the “DavidBlaine Camera Trick” with thespecial cards. The boys waiteduntil Friday night, March 28
th
,to break-in their cards becauseof the lack of wind that night. They set up a camera on atripod across the street fromtheir apartment building andattempted their throws. Whenit was Mike’s turn to throw, hisaim was off and he hit an elderlyman that happened to be walk-ing the sidewalk at that moment.Mike told the papers, “I sawthat I hit him. I said I was sorryand was crossing the streetto get the card. It was whenhe grabbed his neck when I
Kyle Clark
Card Shark
Man killed by singleplaying card
saw the blood. I caught himbefore he fell and told Jer-ry to call 911. How ironic - itwas the Ace of Spades too.” The man, named Alan Macy,died on the ambulance ride tothe hospital. The event was hardto comprehend until the deck of cards was analyzed. Uponinspection, the cards were notonly slightly thicker and madeof a denser material, but wereactually sharpened on the edgeslike a saber toothed tiger’s molar.“It’s a wonder the kids didn’tcut themselves,” stated Den-ver Police. “How on Earth didthey get their hands on some-thing so innocently dangerous?”Mr. Macy’s close friends wereasked what their friend was do-ing out so late at night since thedeceased didn’t have any closerelatives nearby. Ironically, he wasgoing to a friendly poker tourna-ment down the street. His friendshad a Texas Hold’em gameevery Friday night and Mr. Macyalways walked to the apartment.Everyone knew that the gamewould someday kill Macy, butthey never knew it would be thisbrutal. One friend commented,“Was it the two of clubs? Everytime that card showed up, Alalways had the worst hand.”Mr. Jones’ trial is sched-uled for next weekend.
In a move assured to inciteoutrage from the student body,the campus administration hasbanned I-Pods from all of thebuildings on campus, includingthe Ben Parker Student Cen-ter, and from being used on thesidewalks and street encom-passed by the Mines campus.“The reason for this move isbecause students weren’t payingattention in class,” said Language Arts and International Studiesprofessor Jason Hough. “A lot of times in classes, you will see theear buds in the ears and students
ddling with the device in their laps
while I and many other professorsare teaching. You don’t absorbinformation while you are listeningto “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira. This school is a key player in theengineering industry and we wantto ensure that no one misses a bitof information that could cause acatastrophe down the road likethe Tacoma Narrows bridge or theHyatt Regency walkway collapse.”Hough and various other mem-bers of the faculty from almost ev-
CSMbansiPods from campus
Matthew Pusard
I-podologist
ery department brought this issueto the Deanlast Septem-ber. He didnot initiallyconsider theproposal, buttwo damag-ing incidentscaused himto reconsider.“The firstfactor in thebans was asiPods werebecomingmore wide-spread oncampus, youcould see atrend in GPAslowering,”Hough ex-plained. “Infact, on aver-age in the Fall 2007 Semes-ter, the cumulative campus GPA dropped by .124 points. I alsonoticed that in my classes, thegrades of those I didn’t see withiPods were significantly greaterthan the grades of those who usediPods during class occasionally.Even the people I catch sleepingin class weregetting bettergrades and Ithink that is atelling sign.”“The otherfactor is thaton April 1st, astudent waswalking downthe sidewalk near the cor-ner of 16thand Illinois.He was com-pletely oblivi-ous to his sur-roundings ashe was sing-ing along toa Nickelback song. He wentto cross thestreet and,BAM, he gothit by a car. The most incrediblething was, though, the driver of thecar, which ran a stop sign, was alsolistening to his iPod, plugged intohis Ford Ranger’s sound system.” Thankfully, the unfortunate stu-dent, Patrick Snow, a sophomorestudying petroleum engineering,originally from Casper, Wyoming,was alright. He suffered a brokenarm and a concussion, but shouldnot see any lingering injuries.“It hurt. A lot,” said Snow. “Andmy iPod went under the wheel of the car and got smashed. Thatsucks. Now I want to get complete-ly smashed to forget about this.” After this unfortunate incident,the school administration made animmediate decision to ban iPodsfrom anywhere on campus, mirror-ing a similar decision made last yearat Regis University. Anyone caughtwith an iPod on campus will be is-sued a $100 ticket by Public Safety. To soften the blow, campus of-
cials are encouraging the use of 
Zunes on campus. Hough notedthat people using Zunes in classhad grades significantly greaterthan any other demographic andusually got their dream jobs aftergraduating. Most of the world’sbillionaires, including Mexicantelecom tycoon, Carlos Slim Helu,the world’s new richest man, is aZune user. Plus, Zune users areimmortal
1
and incredibly sexy
2
. Additionally, campus officialsare plotting out other ways tosave us from ourselves. They areplanning on banning sharp objectsfrom classrooms so as to not allowus to accidentally cut ourselves. This includes paper. All books willbe burned and their informationwill be uploaded into a computerdatabase for student access. Tuition will be raised by $1,000 tooffset the cost of this super server. Also, they are planning tostop sun burns and skin can-cer by using a Mr. Burns pat-ented complete sun blocker
3
. They hope that our pasty whitecampus will rejoice in the decision.Finally, deeming satire potential-
ly dangerous, campus ofcials will
be repossessing our senses of hu-mor. Any student caught possess-ing a sense of humor will be throwninto the stockade and flogged.(Endnotes)1. Zune users may not be im-mortal. But Zunes do help protectus from meteors.2. Zune users aren’t particularlysexier that the rest of us, but ru-mors says Brad Pitt has a Zune.3. The Mr. Burns patented sunblocker is a giant circle which willgo on Mt. Zion that follows the pathof the sun throughout the day.
 
COURTESY WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
On Friday, Colorado School of Mines President Bill Scoggins an-nounced that Mineswould become partof the University of Colorado system.While the announce-ment seemed ill-timed, coming atthe commencementof E-days, which isa celebration theschool’s engineeringhistory and uniquestructure; studentsfelt that the celebra-tion could becomea “last hurrah” be-fore the school isabsorbed into thesoulless machinethat is the Univer-sity of Colorado. Very few chang-es will be made tothe campus, al-though the “M” in the middle of Illinois Street will be removed,though the electrically lit “M” onMt. Zion will be maintained as arelic of the school’s history. Theclass requirements will have to bechanged to align themselves withthe curricula of other University of 
Mines becomes University of Colorado at Golden
Lily GiddingsDesign Editor 
Colorado Schools. All students arerequired to get part-time jobs andskip class to smoke with friends.Blaster will remain the school’smascot, and the school col-ors will not be changed, butthe logos will be changed toincorporate the letter “CU.”Starting immediately aftergraduation in May, the “School of Mines” will no longer exist exceptas a distant memory. Alumni willhave to refer to the school as “Uni-versity of Colorado at Golden.”In response to the change inclass requirements, students areoutraged. “I can’t believe theychanged the number of liberalarts credits that weneed a year before Igraduate!” raged ju-nior Chris Kessler- Tiffany. Other studentsexpressed similar dis-pleasures with thecurriculum change. Alumni BrianChristofersen had thisto say, “When I attend-ed Mines, it was CSM. The School of Mines.It is a school- notsome floosy-doosyuniversity. We’resmaller than that!”“Let’s face it, weall came to Minesinstead of CU for areason,” said Hora-tio Sans, a chemicalengineering student.“None of us wantedto deal with more than twoor three people at a time!”
Ofcials for the University of 
Colorado expect great thingsfrom the new campus, basedon the caliber of students ac-cepted to the school and theinterests they demonstrate.
 C U
CU students can now legally claim “ass” status.
 Alpo is 50% horse, 2%Platypus - Page 6“The Wave Guy” foundDead in Pool - Page 20Dick Cheney: “Ihunger” - Page 13Man loses shoes, wal-let, virginity - Page 17 WR fights “TheKing,” loses - Page 23
Studentsoutraged
 
n e w s
 April 7, 2008Page 2
 w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
Oredigger Staff 
Zach Aman
Editor-in-Chief 
Hilary Brown
Managing Editor 
Sara Post
Copy Editor 
Josh Elliott
Business Manager 
Lily Giddings
Design Editor 
Cericia Martinez
Prospector Editor 
Richard Walker 
Webmaster 
Cathryn Greene
 Asst. Copy Editor 
Meave Hamm
Lead Prospector Photographer 
Ryan Browne
 Asst. Business Manager 
Abdullah Ahmed
 Asst. Business Manager 
Mike Stone
Fool’s Gold Editor 
Jason Fish
Content Manager 
Kevin Duffy
Content Manager 
Tim Weilert
Content Manager 
Matthew Pusard
Content Manager 
David Frossard
Faculty Advisor 
 After a shocking prostitutionscandal that led to the resigna-tion of New York Governor ElliotSpitzer, the new governor has en-gaged Spitzer in a seeming gameof one-upmanship. Governor DavidPatterson admitted to extramaritalaffairs just one day after being sworn
into ofce, but became seemingly
unhappy after the buzz broke downafter that revelation. On Monday,he aired all of his dirty laundry in anattempt to get in the news again.“Governor Spitzer was an ama-teur compared to me,” declaredPatterson. “He got caught havingrelations with a prostitute who wasrated 4 stars out of 7. Everyone hasseen her and she’s fairly attractive. All the hookers I’ve met weren’tmore than a half a lump of coal!“But that’s okay. Looks aren’teverything to a blind man,” hecontinued. “But I have also hada three way with a taxi driverand a midget. I’m not proud of it, but I think the midget was.”Patterson’s microphone was cutoff shortly after that, but as he wastaken backstage, he began loudlylisting out the names of all the internshe had slept with during his time aslieutenant governor. After NBC cut off coverage of Patterson’s meltdown,they played a commercial hypingHeroes reruns and using their oldcatchphrase, “Are you on the list?”Later on in the day, Pattersoncame out with his wife, MichellePaige Paterson, and somberly de-
clared his resignation from the ofce
of governor. “I would like to thank mywife for sticking by me thought this
NY Governor Patterson: “I’vedone WAY worse than Spitzer”
Matthew Pusard
Senior Gubernatorial ScandalCorrespondent
all, despite my horrible, sickening, yetsomehow alluring acts of depravity,”said a solemn Patterson. “I wouldalso like to thank Bill Clinton for beingmy hero. You’re the biggest man-ho off them all and you never gotpunished for it. I love you, man, andthat’s why I would also like to use thistime to endorse Hillary’s campaign.”Patterson then went on tospeculate how many diplomatsBill would impregnate as the na-tion’s First Gentleman and remi-nisced about his own escapadeswith prominent foreign officials.Joseph Bruno, the Republicanpresident pro tempore of the statesenate, was immediately swornin after Patterson got done tell-ing the audience about that onefreaky vacation he had to Thailand.Bruno has scheduled a press con-ference for Tuesday on the subject
of his unusual afnity for pandas.
Spitzer laments being one-upped by Patterson
Mines students caused a 3mile back up on I-25 as theymarched into Denver protestingthe unfair treatment of Engineerson Friday, April 4th. It took thecombined efforts of the Lake-wood and Golden Police Forcesand several hours of dedicated
work to sort out the trafc jam,
at which point rush hour com-
menced and nullied all efforts.
3000 students at the ColoradoSchool of Mines were cited forpublic drunkenness over the longweekend. Furthermore, studentswere also cited for Minors in Pos-session, an offense for which theymust attend educational classes.Friday night’s concert was brokenup by the Golden Police force onthe grounds of noise ordinances,unnecessary violence and gen-eral indecency on the parts of the bands and the audience.  An unnamed former mem-ber of the Mines Administra-tion returned to campus thisweekend to reminisce and cel-ebrate with old party-mates.National Guard troops were calledinto Golden to deal with a riot inresponse to a shortage of cheapbeer. Fire hoses were set up toturn on the crowd, only to be dis-connected by clever, albeit drunk,Mechanical Engineering students.
This Week at
Mines
Russia—Dmitri Medvedev, the “new”Russian president was discovered tobe nothing more than a mask-wearing Vladimir Putin earlier this week. Allphotographs showing both men in thesame place were apparently stagedusing the latest Hollywood CGI technol-ogy. Though Putin made no secret of his desire to remain in power, this rev-elation came as a surprise to the threepeople who weren’t paying attention.India—The leader of India’s opposi-tion Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), Lal
Krishna Advani, recently led a petition to
legally change his last name to Gandhi.Citing the electoral success of India’smost prominent family, Advani defendedhis decision by saying, “It’s like having thelast name ‘Kennedy’ in your state of Mas-sachusetts. Everything else is irrelevant—people will vote for you. It’s Pavlovian.”China—The Chinese governmentannounced the creation of several“Special Happiness Zones” (SHZs) inpreparation for this August’s Olympicsin Beijing. Like the Special EconomicZones found around the country, peo-ple who are in the SHZs will be allowedmore than happiness than usual. Toavoid any feelings of disadvantageamong those outside the SHZs, anyexcess happiness found on the per-son of those leaving the SHZ will be re-distributed by large men with cudgels.Botswana—In an effort designedto promote awareness, Botswana’sgovernment spent two-thirds of itsbudget purchasing a billboard in Times Square. The billboard clearlyshows Botswana’s location on amap of Africa. Research into the ef-fectiveness of the ad indicates thatof 1000 people, 0.1% now knowwhere Botswana is, 3% think it is“east of here, maybe” and 96.9%“still don’t care.” Later, the oneperson to successfully locate Bo-tswana admitted that he cheated.Brazil—President Luiz Inacio Lulada Silva admitted at a press confer-ence on Wednesday that he had losthis keys and was forced to spend thenight at a friend’s apartment after Car-nival in February. “I still haven’t found
those keys,” Lula said. “If you nd
them, please let me know. They’reon a white lanyard with my Starbucksgift card and a small ‘Hello Kitty’doll. Seriously, I need them back.”
COURTESY WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
 
n e w s
 April 7, 2008Page 3
 w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t
FREE 
Seminar on Off-Campus Living 
Rent or Buy? 
Learn How to Make It Work for You.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008, 6-7 pm17695 S. Golden Road
(at the 1st Roundabout, Across from Taco Bell) 
*
Reserve Your Seat: Call Diana at 303-997-9686 oremail Diana@GoldenRealEstate.com
Refreshments Will Be Served.
 The annual meeting of Father Time, Mother Nature, the EasterBunny, Cupid, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the groundhogclan’s representative shockedthe world with the announcementthat July will now follow August.Central to the argument are theholidays that span both months.In an attempt to bring equalityto this United States-dominatedworld, the more internationalmonth of August will dethroneJuly as the king of summer.Boasting the independencedays of Singapore, Ecuador, In-dia, Pakistan, Uruguay and Ma-laysia as well as the end of WorldWar II, the “Council of the Wise”thought it was time to give Au-gust the praise it deserves (they
also sent it a nice mufn basket).
July, proud commemoratorof Canada Day and the U.S.’sindependence day, burst intotears upon hearing the tragicnews. Soon after, July went on adrunken rampage that would puteven Lindsey Lohan to shame.In response to this embarrass-ing act of immaturity, the councilthen threatened to give July evenmore Canadian holidays if it didnot start acting with the dignityall Gregorian calendar monthsmust show. Needless to say, Julystopped drinking that minute.
July to follow August
Cameron Frisby
Disgruntled Calendar Slave
When pressed to elaborateon its rationale for switching themonths, the council revealedits deeper thought process.Far from being anti-American,they wanted to encourage the American people to learn moreabout the world around them.Direct from the press re-lease here is Santa’s latesttirade, “The people of theUnited States should take amomentary break from self-glorification and embrace theother citizens of the world.”More intensive investigationinto this decidedly shady SantaClaus character exposed a
CAMERON FRISBY/OREDIGGER
nasty secret, jolly ole Saint Nick is not a happy fat man at all. After thoroughly reading hisprivate journal (which, mightI add, is covered with hearts
and owers) the truth emerged.
 The economic boom of the 90’srocketed Christmas spendingto previously unimaginable lev-els. The consequential drasticgrowth in present volume provedtoo much for Santa’s back. A crippled Santa was helpedto the Hospital for MagicalPersons with seven herniateddiscs on the Christmas of 1998. This illuminating report imme-diately spurred another meetingof the “Council of the Wise”,this time without St. Nick. Fromthis moment onwards, the for-mer Santa Claus will now becalled Captain Grumpy Pants. Additionally, children willbe asked to leave Icy Hotand Advil by the fireplace onChristmas Eve instead of thetraditional milk and cookies.Unfortunately, due to the“Statutes of the Wise” the coun-cil can only make two major an-nouncements every year. Theselimitations will leave Augustelevated in its newfound posi-tion of glory for at least this year.
Upon attaining conrmation
of this radical change, softwarecompanies furiously updatedtheir programs while the calen-dar giants initiated the largestrecall ever seen by the industry.Certain models of the everpopular Blackberry phonesdeveloped a serious internalerror when updated with thenew software, resulting in theseries of explosions reported inboard rooms all over the country.Fortunately, July and Augustare perfect months to switchplaces. December and Janu-ary is the only other “sequentialmonth pair” that shares thesame amount of days. Thisstroke of luck has lead to theinitiation of several govern-ment sponsored programs titled“Reclaiming Your Summer.” This series of motivationallectures encourages Americansof all ages to not be baffledby the radical changes oc-curring in the calendar world.Highly successfully, the“Reclaiming” program hasbrought a halt to the country-wide rioting of school childrenwho were protesting schoolstarting a full month early.Long live August!Short live Captain GrumpyPants!Down with the Blackberry!Brought to you by SnackySmores.
Look out Tooth Fairy, he sees you when you’re sleeping!
 Americans to learn more about other countries’ holidays
 At a special press conferenceheld Monday, Democratic presiden-tial candidate Hillary Clinton shockedsupporters with her admission thatshe, much like opponent Barack Obama, is opposed to racism.Clinton, who is in second placeand falling behind Obama in theDemocraticpresidentialnominationprocess, hadyet to make a
defnitive state
-ment shunningracism beforeMonday. AfterObama re-leased state-ments con-cerning Ameri-can citizens asadults on theissue of rac-ism on March18
th
, pressurecame downon the Clin-ton campaignto changestrategies fromsimply crying every time Hillarydoesn’t get what she wants.“I am the daughter of a whiteman from Pennsylvania and a whitewoman from Illinois. I was raisedin a white neighborhood, went toa mostly white college, my familyreunions are all white and for aslong as I live, I will never forget that...um… I don’t like racism either!”With those comments beingmade, a banner was unveiled be-hind Clinton, with her campaign’snew slogan: “Hillary – the NewBlack”. This replaces her old slogan,“Please vote for me? Please?” andparallels her husband’s campaignslogan for office in 1996, “Waitto see all of me in my next term.”Less than three weeks re-main until the important Penn-sylvania primary, and Hillary’scomments are expected toharm her in the upcoming race.“Hillary’s all white and quitefrankly ugly. Obama? Well, Obama’sgot that sexy black ass and every-one wants to see a hottie in theWhite House,” commented The View’s Sherri Shephard. “Did youknow he’s related to Brad Pitt?If Obama makes it, Brad Pitt willbe Secretary of Sexy. Mark mywords.” Sherri then jumped up andstarted dancing to Obama’s cam-paign them song, “Yes We Can.”Some people have taken a more
frm, strictly political approach to the
news. “The last thing Americanswant is another anti-racism candi-date. If Hillary wanted to distinguishherself, a statement promoting rac-
ism would’ve been benefcial – we
all remember how the presidentialcampaigns of George Wallaceand Strom Thur-mond went,”said JamesCarville, formeradvisor for BillClinton. Car-ville continued,“We’ve alreadygot an anti-racistcandidate. If shewants to win thesouth she needsto be the op-posite of that.”Clinton’scampaign man-ager, MaggieWilliams, re-plied to theseworries. “Webelieve that Hillaryappeals to the anti-racist commu-nity more than Mr. Obama does.Our new slogan simply relaysthis belief to the public at large. As to whether Obama is moresexy than Hillary? No comment.”It is up to the American public todecide, but so far, Obama wins theanti-racist vote and the teen beat vote. The Obama campaign hasyet to comment on the issue.
!
Jake Rezac
Anti-Fascist
Hillary: “I don’t like racism either!”
JAKE REZAC / OREDIGGER
Anti-Racist:
Hillary makes ridiculous statement.

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