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Cousin Woodieand the Internet
By Tony CrowleyA cautionary tale about sending up internetforums
Arcadianjazz@googlemail.com
 
Cousin Woodie and the Internet
My cousin Woodie was an overweight dropout in his early 40's who lived on a trailerpark in the USA.
 
He never married and was often unemployed.
 
He was quite a cleverguy but somewhat unhinged.
 
Generally, he kept himself to himself so few folks onthe park ever saw him around. They certainly heard him though, for at dawn he likedto burst into song, just making up any words he didn't know:
 Jo Jo was a man before he was a woman, but he was another man. Michelle ma belle, some say monkeys play piano well,
 
ma belle Michelle.
Any Beatles fans listening must have found it very irritating. I know I would.Woodie liked to brag about his collection of exotic foreign magazines which he hid ina shoe box in his den when his ma called round. He also kept a train set, ordered a lotof model aeroplane glue and wrote bad poetry. Though I hadn't seen him for severalyears, he emailed me regularly. His main contact with the outside world, however,
 
was through the internet where he used dubious pseudonyms and sent up orlampooned internet forums.On a parenting forum, an anxious father reported that, to his horror,
 
he had found his13yr old daughter smoking. Among the members' helpful suggestions and replies,
 
you would have found
Trailertrash
asking if she was just hanging out with bikers orpuffing away in front of her kids. Another father, who wondered how to tell if his sonwas gay, was given several suggestions such as "Auditioning for Dorothy in theWizard of Oz, is a good clue.' and 'Wearing a left ear ring does not mean he is gay.But if they’re shorthanded, he'll probably help out.'On a
 
medical forum, as
Trousersnake
, he commiserated with those suffering fromloss of libido but described in some detail how the offending medication (Lyrica) washaving quite the opposite effect on him. He made it sound like boasting.A missionary ship bound for Africa was holed up awaiting repairs in Newcastle,England.
 
Eager to sail, the crew vented their frustration, through various blogs, at thelack of progress in the shipyard.
 
As
Trinity
, Woodie warned the good people that asthe ship probably provided the only form of employment in that city, it would neverbe allowed to leave. In the circumstances, they should consider devoting their lives toconverting the locals to Christianity. His suggestion was not well received.Visiting a sailboat forum, as
Capt Bligh RN 
, he posted a design for a self-steeringdevice which looked quite genuine but was complete nonsense. Several hundredmembers made the device and, oddly enough, a few of them claimed that it worked.
1
 
One unfortunate sailor used it on a Pacific crossing to Hawaii and was never heard of again. That upset Woodie a lot, but he got over it after a beer or two.By the way, if you are a member of the international PrayForMe forum, remove
 Repentant 
from your list of those in need of 
 
your assistance. Like most of us, Woodiemay have worried about the stock market, but does not require divine intervention inhis choice of investments.
 
It is unlikely that he has spent much time praying for yourailing mother. Oh be generous, brothers and sisters, and find space in your hearts toforgive him.And should you happen across any of his suggestions for evading speeding fines orincome tax, I would suggest that you ignore them. At the time, a few were quitepromising but all the loopholes have now been firmly closed. Try praying instead.
Childhood
Though he was rather scared of his ma, Woodie was very loyal to her.
 
In fact, whenshe was transferred to the hospital wing, he visited the prison every month.
 
She oncetold me that as a child he entered an talent contest and sang a sentimental ditty he hadheard on the radio:M is for the million things she gave meO is only that she's growing oldT is for the tears she shed to save meH is for her heart of purest goldI is for her eyes forever shiningR is right and right she'll always bePut them all together they spell MOTHERA word that means the world to me.While the audience and the judge rocked with laughter, Woodie stood on the stage inconfusion. Why were they laughing at his best song? Then, struggling to contain hisamusement, an elderly judge stood up and shouted:
Put them all together, they spell MOTHIR. A word that makes no sense to me!
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