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Angela CowgillProfessor Amy Gardner October 11, 2005Final DraftEnglish 101, Section 33Being Bipolar Bipolar Disorder is a long-term medical illness characterized by dramatic mood swingsfrom overly “high” and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periodsof normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changesin mood. These periods of high and low are called episodes of mania and depression.People who are Bipolar usually keep this diagnosis to themselves. The only people Ihave told, until now, are my family and a few close friends. For those that do not know, manytimes they see certain behaviors and think, “What is wrong with her?”My “high” moods are defined as hypomania. Hypomania is a milder version of mania. I become extremely happy, I talk fast, and I use my quick wit (which is not normal for me). I havegrandiose ideas about what I am going to accomplish in life. New business ideas, second jobs,volunteer time, college, and the list goes on and on. Nothing is out of my reach. I can make theimpossible possible with just a fraction of my attention. Ideas for crafts and organization appear out of nowhere and I begin to act on them. My mind is racing with plans to finish all of the projects, this time. Once I recognize the signs of hypomania, I put all thoughts of sleep asideknowing that this mood will not last and the crash is coming. I go from the high of highs, rightthrough the normal mood zone, into a deep depression sometimes within a matter of days. Then,as fast as the high came, the anger and irritability will begin to surface.When the downward spiral begins to kick in, I get a physical feeling of being angry, andit is not anger at anything specific. I am living on the razor’s edge; the slightest thing will push
 
me over the edge, causing me to snap. Then I will begin to sink lower. This is where the truedepression would begin. This is not just a sad feeling; this is much deeper. I literally cannotmake myself do anything. I do the bare minimum to survive each day. It is all I can do to get thekids ready for school in the morning before returning to bed for the day. I can sleep all day andthen all night and have to, literally, drag myself out of bed. Many times my alarm will go off for an hour before I even realize it is time to get up. I do not cook, clean, or even take care of myself. I liken the feeling of depression to having fallen into a deep well, clawing to try to getout, but all I am doing is pulling the dirt back into my face. The entire family now recognizesthe behaviors I exhibit and know what is going to happen next.My husband realizes now what my behavior means. He loves my “high” moods. I amwilling to do things for anyone at anytime. During my high moods, he tries to temper my large projects without stifling my creative energy. Each time he hopes that this will be a permanentmood for me, even though history shows all good things must end. When I begin to comedown, he cannot understand and sometimes accept the sudden change in my mood. He begins towithdraw from me or stop communicating. We begin arguing over the silliest of things or stopcommunicating all together. I cannot fault him for his behavior. It has taken us all of our married life to understand what is going on in my mind. How did this all begin?Growing up, I was a very shy and sensitive child. I tried to stay in the background andunder the radar as much as possible. Everyone thought I was the perfect child. What I did notlet people see were the times I cried myself to sleep. I never could understand why I felt likecrying. Looking back, I realize this was part of my depression.During my senior year of high school, a time in ones life when possibilities abound andyou are planning for your future, I was all set to go to college with my best friend. We had
 
 planned for months. I applied for admission to the college. We visited the campus and saw thedorms. I put down a deposit on the room for the first semester. I could not wait to begin mycollege education. That excitement began to wane and was replaced by terror. My mood beganto slip; I became weepy and began to doubt my abilities. There was no way I could handle afour-year college. I lowered my expectation to a business school specializing in medicaltranscription.For the next two years, I attended the business school and worked a series of part time jobs. I met my husband and became engaged a year later, during one of my high moods. Duringthe course of our engagement, I kept having doubts about getting married. I would go fromexpectant desire of marriage to wanting nothing to do with this man. During a high state Imailed our wedding invitations, the next day I was depressed and told him I did not want to getmarried. I kept my husband’s head spinning during this time in our life. What neither of usknew was this was not just a case of pre-marriage jitters. The trend would not stop once we weremarried.The next four years of married life where filled with extreme highs and lows. We boughta new car on a Saturday, and I wanted a divorce on the way home. Two days later, I did not wanta divorce. We did not know how to communicate to each other so my mood swings causedserious rifts to develop between us. At this time, we found out that I was pregnant with our daughter. My husband describes the nine-month pregnancy as nine months in the desert withoutwater.When Kristen was born, I was diagnosed with major depression. At the time, I did notthink anything was wrong. One day I had a follow-up with my OB doctor. He asked me how Ihad been feeling and I told him I was fine. He then asked me to watch a movie about depression.
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