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Keeping your child safe from sexual abuse/Evin Daly/Page 1
Special Report: Keeping yourchild safe from sexual abuse
 
Beware of anyone who wants to be with your children more than you do.
 
It surrounds us; everywhere. It acknowledges no boundaries, geographic or cultural. It’sinsidious and, at it’s extreme, life threatening. Fighting it is ridiculously simple, yetinexplicably avoided. Child sexual abuse is a criminal behavior that has always been withus and unfortunately always will. As with overcoming the social reluctance to discuss cancer in the 1960’s, alcohol anddrug addiction in the 1970s, the most effective way to counter child sexual abuse isthrough acknowledging that it exists, educating yourself (which you are doing now) and by talking to your children about it. Seems simple enough, but for some, near impossible.Some parents are embarrassed – for cultural, religious or personal reasons - at the merethought of speaking to their young children about sex. However sex is the center of our being. As George Michael so famously sang “Sex is natural, sex is good,” and it is in theappropriate setting, between consenting adults. It’s what ensures our survival as aspecies.
 
Children have an innate knowledge of their sexuality on their own scale of development. A young child doesn’t need to know the entire life cycle of the birds and the bees; they need to know what is appropriate for their age and emotional level. They need to know  what comprises healthy and natural contact with others, particularly adults and moreimportantly, what does not.
 
By the age of ten most young children have a fairly good idea of what’s going on. Asparents we owe it to them to set them straight before they start trading in the rumors of middle school when they start to hide within their social shell and communication on thesubject becomes difficult. By talking frankly to your children you are arming them withthe shield of knowledge, self confidence and the ability to protect themselves.
 
Child sexual abuse as a subject needs to be dragged into the sunlight and dealt with asthe reality that it is. We have to face the issue head on in order to learn how to eliminateit as a threat to our families and friends. We must face it publicly so the perpetrators of this iniquitous behavior know that they are “on notice”, that they cannot prey on our young.
 
How prevalent is sexual abuse with children? It’s disturbingly widespread. In some Asiancountries child sex abuse is an industry, relied upon for national income. As incredible asthat sounds it’s true and it accounts for what is referred to as “sex tourism”.The ‘why’ part of this behavior, is the subject for another article, if indeed there is, or can be, a ‘why”.
 
 
Keeping your child safe from sexual abuse/Evin Daly/Page 2
Let me set the framework of what we’re dealing with. First let me answer the questionmost often asked “What are the indicators of child sexual abuse?” Answer: they’re aren’tany. More on this in a minute.
 
 A standard misconception is that most sexual assaults are committed by strangers.Nothing could be farther from the truth. Most sexual assaults are committed by someoneknown to the victim or the victim's family. Another misconception is that the majority of sexual offenders are caught, convicted, and in prison. Not true, only a fraction of those who commit sexual assault are apprehended and convicted for their crimes. In fact, the vast majority of child sex crimes go unreported. Most convicted sex offenders eventually are released to the community under probation or parole supervision.Here are some core numbers: 90% of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know – inside or outside the family. 1 in 4 girls (25%) is sexually abused before the age of 18. 1 in 6 boys (16.5%) is sexually abused before the age of 18. Abusers will victimize as young as infants right up to 16 years old. The amount of sympathy a victim receives is directly proportional to their physical development. An estimated 39million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today. This represents afraction of the true number of abused children. Young victims may not recognize their victimization as sexual abuse. For more statistical information visit the Child AbuseWatch.net website here.
 
 Why are there no tell-tale signs of child sexual abuse? The quick answer is that naturehas made vaginas elastic and self-lubricating even in young girls. Anus’s stretch and any lesions quickly heal. Oral abuse does not leave a trace. Semen and sperm disappear fairly quickly. Repeated abusers take care not to hurt the children so as to avoid disclosure.
 
Let’s talk about sexual predators. There are three kinds.Pedophiles have a sexual preference for children. This in itself does not make themcriminals. They get into trouble when they act on their impulses and, for example, startcollecting child pornography which is a serious victim-exploiting crime.If they act on their impulses they become the second type of predator; preferential childsexual abusers. They have no interest in having sex with adults, only children, usually pre-pubescent. These are generally male and have a distinct pattern to their predatory  behavior, including recruiting victims – referred to as ‘grooming’ – and retaining them inan ongoing pattern of sexual abuse while ensuring that they do not disclose the abuse.These first two kinds of predators are called preferential; meaning that they have adistinct sexual preference for children.The third kind is the situational sexual abuser. This abuser is one of opportunity. He orshe enjoys having sex with adults and have sex with children when the opportunity arises. For example, when they are left alone with a child, they’re drunk, they’re angry atthe child or mother and assault the child to hurt the mother – there’s a long list of reasons. They key word is opportunity.
 
 
Keeping your child safe from sexual abuse/Evin Daly/Page 3
 All three are dangerous to children all the time. What is a distinctive feature in their behavior is their lack of conscience.
 
How do we identify a predator? Contrary to popular belief, predators do not often skulk around playgrounds in dirty raincoats. They are everyman or everywoman. They live inplain sight among us; sometimes in our own families. They are fathers, mothers, uncles,aunts, friends, doctors, soccer coaches, clergy, boy-scout leaders, police, child care workers, therapists, teachers. Not all of these people are child sex abusers but many childsex abusers choose these professions for access to children. The key word here is access. A particular red flag are single parent families which offer predators’ immenseopportunity to have access to children under the guise of dating, marriage or being ‘goodto the children.’
 
 An important element in the grooming process is the selection of a victim. Many abusershave multiple concurrent victims and, if left to run their life course un-arrested, some will have had hundreds if not thousands of victims in their lifetime. They ‘court’ the childthe way adults court each other in a romantic relationship. Gifts, flattery, play, attention,all go into the mix. What the abuser is doing is replacing the parent’s role of providingaffection and attention. They often choose as their victims children who have problemscommunicating with their parents; those whose parents don’t pay enough attention tothem. They look to fill that void. They are so good at what they do that parents neversuspect their intentions. They also woo the parents to be accepted and trusted with thechildren. Predators are masters at building relationships. Their biggest problem is notgetting the child, it's getting rid of the child when they become too old and their interestin them wanes.
 
How do predators and abusers choose their victims? Children in general have certaincharacteristics that make them ideal victims from the offender’s point of view. Here aresome; they are naturally curious; many are easily led by adults particularly when broughtup to respect their elders; they have a need for attention and affection (most of us do);some have a need to defy their parents.The 'secret.' As already mentioned recurrent abusers rarely hurt the child as that wouldencourage disclosure. They encourage the child to understand that the behavior be kept asecret – just between them. They do this by keeping photographs, warning of theembarrassment to the child and family should anyone find our about what hashappened; by blaming the child for initiating it; by rewarding the child with gifts andoutings; by telling the child that disclosure would break up the family structure; that thesexual abuse is a demonstration of their ‘love’ for the child. On and on. And the child, being a child, believes them. They know no differently. The 'secret' is the key componentof this disturbing relationship, one that is a cornerstone of a child sexual abusers successand survival.
 
How do we as parents combat this?Talk to your children about their bodies and their sexuality; good touching and badtouching. Get over your embarrassment. We are intimately familiar with our genitalia
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