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Big Bucks and the Boogerman

Big Bucks and the Boogerman

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Published by Patricia Backora
Tex the Longhorn Steer takes the reader down a trail of confused, duped church people who need to wake up before the preacher drives them to the poor house. Fully of countryfied humor, though the problem is so sad.
Tex the Longhorn Steer takes the reader down a trail of confused, duped church people who need to wake up before the preacher drives them to the poor house. Fully of countryfied humor, though the problem is so sad.

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Published by: Patricia Backora on May 05, 2009
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05/09/2013

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BIG BUCK$ AND THE BOOGERMAN
BY Patricia Backora© All rights reserved
Dedicated to Truth Seekers EverywhereAs Told by Tex the Tithe
Tonight's Guest: Tex the TitheA Multitude of Money Admonitions and Tithin' Ticklersby Patricia Backora
Howdy, pardners, my name's Tex the Tithe. I grew up on a 600-acre cattlespread in Cowpoke County, Texas. Fact is, it's such a big spread the wholecounty was named "Cowpoke" after the ranch. And the ranch runs its ownrodeo, too.Lots of folks think us four-footed critters are dumb as mud. But don'tforget Balaam's donkey. Now Balaam was one stubborn dude who wouldn't
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listen to the Lord when God told him he'd better not cast a spell on Israel.Even his brayin' jackass had more sense than Balaam did, and when Balaam'sdonkey saw a shiny angel that was so big he tied up traffic on the PromisedLand Freeway, that donkey tried to do a quick U-turn and head on home. ButBalaam was blind as a bat. He couldn't see no angel and thought that donkeywas just bein' ornery. So Balaam kung-fu-chopped the donkey to try andmake him mind. At least that's what the donkey told my great-grandsire athousand generations removed, and his name was Boaz the Bullock, whofounded the Bullock division of the Tithe Clan. But Boaz was one tithe that jumped over the fence and got away. Anyhow, Boaz the Bullock got capturedby Gideon the Gadite who used him to sire a whole herd of fat, juicy tithesfor the Feast of Tabernacles. But some of my kinfolk didn't get the chop.They stampeded up north to Spain for greener pastures. And some of theirkids…uh, I mean, calves, ended up on Spanish cattle boats so they could go toAmerica to sing Yankee Doodle Dandy and hang out with the buffalo out onthe range.Folks, a crazy notion's been goin' round for some time that a tithe isgreen paper with numbers on it. But filthy lucre ain't a member of the Titheclan, though a peach or potato might be. My best buddy Cowboy Cody, he'dspend hours readin' his Bible to me, 'cause he's a lay preacher at his church.Nobody at the ranch pays him much mind now, so he uses me as a guinea pigto practice his sermons on. But Cody's problem is he'll put more stock inwhat church tradition says than what his King James Bible says. It plainlysays that a tithe is farm or ranch produce, plain and simple. If Boaz theBullock was alive today he'd say money tithes just don't cut the mustard!Now, here's the first cud to chew on:
Religious Racketeers
If Peter, James and John could peek down from heaven and watch some ofthe carnival clowns passin' themselves off as Gospel preachers, they wouldwonder how those varmits could'a got past the watchmen of the church totwist the “faith once delivered unto the saints” spoken of in Jude verse 3.Guess the watchmen of the church must'a been dozin’ off on the job, huh?Used to be a preacher was so poor and hungry he could smell chicken fryin'clear across the county. Now he can sniff a hundred-dollar bill from adistance of ten rows and ten aisles.
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I heard tell of one “evangelist” that goes around braggin' about how muchfun he had, swimmin' around in his own money, in the back of his ownstretch limo. He tells his mesmerized audience to say a bunch of“confessions” after him, like a class of first-graders learnin' their ABC's.Not only that, this guy holds his stomach, then tells his people to pretendthat they're about to birth a calf…or was that a kid? Only, it's moneythat's supposed to pop out of 'em. Outside of his zany meetings you'llusually find a herd of protesters carryin' picket signs. Signs that say Jesussaid not to lay up treasures on earth, but to make sure they got wealth inheaven. Them radical, idealistic protesters try to talk sense intobrainwashed pew-warmers who go in there to throw their money at thisflashy preacher, and they tell 'em all he wants is their money so he can buyanother jet plane. But ain't no use tryin' to talk sense to a Christianstarstruck with preacher puppy love. That's just like tryin' to tell athirteen-year-old Romeo that his blond teacher won't accept his marriageproposal.Cody has gotten lots of weird-lookin' “Junk Mail for Jesus” lately. A”Miracle Prayer Rug" arrived in the mail a few weeks back. There was apicture of Jesus plastered on it which opened and closed its eyes, and itlooked up at Cody oh, so, sweet when he laid it on the floor and told it hismoney troubles. Cody was supposed to rush it back with his best offering,and only a mean ol' cuss could say "no" to that precious picture! CowboyClayton walked in on Cody ‘cause there ain’t no such thing as privacy in aranch bunkhouse. Clayton got tickled when he saw Cody pourin' out his heartto a sheet of paper on the floor. Bein' as Clayton was already there, Codytold him what it was. Now Clayton sure ain't no angel, but he said that anypreacher who believed in the Jesus of the Bible wouldn't reduce Him to atabloid centerfold churned out in some Chinese sweatshop. Cody might be aweird dude sometimes, but even he had to agree with Clayton on that one.Cody admitted that it gave him the creeps to watch that picture open andclose its eyes like a haunted kaleidoscope. So he tossed Brother Bizarre'sprayer pallet away and crossed him off his prayer partner list.Another mail-out Cody got came with several colors of papers andenvelopes. Cody was supposed to fill each of 'em out and send 'em ondifferent “days of prayer”…wrapped around his best offering, of course!Gotta give those rascals credit, though! Real sneaky of 'em, gettin' morethan one cash hit out of each mail-out! Saves a heckuva lotta postage, huh?
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Patricia Backora added this note
Here's my book of homespun tales about preachers straying from the trails of righteousness
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