either one of their most important or very important objectives. Asked to select their top two goals, a majority of Americansinclude a happy marriage as one of the choices, far outpacingother life goals, such as “being in good health” (35 percent)or even having “a good family life” (36 percent). In 1992, thenumber-one aspiration of high school seniors was “having agood marriage and family life.” In addition, the proportionof seniors calling that goal “extremely important” has actuallyrisen over the last two decades. Only 8 percent of Americanwomen consider remaining single as ideal, a proportion thathas not changed over the last generation.The paradox, as Glenn writes, is that “marriage remainsvery important to adult Americans—probably as importantas it has ever been—while the proportion of Americansmarried has declined and the proportion successfully marriedhas declined even more.” Americans are still the marrying kind. But our ideas aboutwhat marriage means have changed in subtle ways thatundermine our ability—as individuals or as a society—toachieve the goals of wedlock, creating a lasting love betweena man and a woman and a firm bond of mutual supportbetween a mother and a father. When it comes to marriage, Americans have both highhopes and debilitating fears. As two scholars put it after anexhaustive study of the attitudes of today’s college students,“They are desperate to have only one marriage, and theywant it to be happy. They don’t know whether this is possibleanymore.”But the dreams and hopes of young Americans to forgemore perfect unions are hampered by five myths that, despitethe recent revival of interest in marriage, remain powerfully,if thoughtlessly, entrenched in the conventional wisdom. Although marriage as an ideal still holds a firm fascinationin Americans’ minds, we believe that it is fair to describe America as a society on the verge of becoming a post-marriageculture.
A post-marriage culture is not one in which nobody evermakes it to the altar. Rather, it is a culture in which marriage isviewed as unnecessary, or, strictly speaking, optional—a privatetaste, rather than a matter of urgent shared concern.
“Divorce is usually the bestanswer for kids when amarriage becomes unhappy.”
Whether or not parents are married, many experts believe,that is not what really counts for kids. What matters is thequality of relationship between parents and between parentand child. Staying married “for the sake of the kids” thusdoesn’t make sense, because if you are in an unhappymarriage, your children will probably be better off if youdivorce anyway.“Many parents may indeed stay together because theybelieve divorce will harm their children,” warn therapistsMel and Pat Krantzler in the new 1998 edition of their best-seller,
Creative Divorce
. “What they fail to realize is that…moreharm will result from ‘staying together’ than divorcing.”This perspective is what most experts teach and what most Americans believe these days. It is certainly true that anabundance of evidence confirms that parents who fight a lotdamage their kids. But is divorce always the better answer? Adults may prefer to be joyously in love, but children don’tmuch care whether parents zoom to heights of romantic ecstasyor not. Your children don’t care whether your marriage feelsdead or alive, empty or full. As long as Mom and Dad don’tfight too much, they thrive under the love, attention, andresources two married parents provide.
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marriagetoday.com | winter 2008
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