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Leek Grab Bag Issue-Spring 2009

Leek Grab Bag Issue-Spring 2009

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Published by The Leek
The Leek is Weston High School's premier humor magazine specializing in entertainment, shenanigans, and tomfoolery. It's like The Onion-Read it!

NOW IN COLOR!
The Leek is Weston High School's premier humor magazine specializing in entertainment, shenanigans, and tomfoolery. It's like The Onion-Read it!

NOW IN COLOR!

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Published by: The Leek on May 08, 2009
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05/11/2014

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The Leek
“The Grab-Bag Issue” 
Dan Friend
Resident Vampire
Weston Introduces New Uniform to WHS Students
Weston High School’s Head Fashion board memberannounced this Tuesday that the school will be mandatinga new “uniform policy” startingnext fall. The uniform willconsist of a North Face jackettop, low-rise designer jeans,and Ugg boots for girls, and aNike sweatshirt, a North Facefleece, old faded painters pantsand Timberland boots for boys. “We at Weston HighSchool believe that this uniformconveys a conformist, yetcontemporary look that reallyrepresents the diversity of ourschool. And since 90% of all students at Weston High Schoolalready own and wear these outfits daily, it willbe a very cost effective switch,” said CynthiaMoriland, Head Fashion Coordinator at WestonHigh.To enforce this policy,Weston High has hired a squadof fashion experts dubbed the “secret fashion police”. Anystudent seen not wearingthe official uniform will bepulled aside for questioning.Punishments range from beingwritten up for “free thinking” for1
st
time offenders to being forcefed a five hour marathon of theTV show What Not to Wear forserious repeat offenders.
Proposition 8 Supporters Turn to the Internet
Legislators in Californiawho were able to successfully passProposition 8 (a bill banning same-sex marriage) this past Novemberare no longer satisfied; they hope toexpand the bill. “Although I am ecstaticabout what was accomplished, thereare facets of this issue that stillneed to be addressed,” said TomBowknot, California resident andone of the many who voted for thepassing of Prop 8.The major issue thatBowknot is talking about is the largenumber of the California citizenrythat remain engaged in same-sex marriages on Facebook.com.It is estimated that as of January18, 2009 over 800,000 same-sexmarriages existed on this socialnetworking site. A recent study byNational Polls Inc. found that 90%of these relationships are betweenteenage girls.
Harrison Levitan
Jobin
All across the state parentsare aghast at what their teenagedaughters have engaged in. “I lobbied in Sacramentolast fall for Proposition 8 and yet lastweek I discovered that my daughterhas been married to our next doorneighbor, Lindsay Merner for almostsix months. Some one needs todo something about this,” saidPasadena resident Nancy Blissing.Girls statewide are quickto defend their long-standingrelationships. “Listen, my BFF (best friendforever) Sarah and I needed to takeour friendship to the next level. Ourmarriage on facebook has reallyhelped express our love for eachother,” said 15 year-old RhondaLincoln.Though the relationshipsseem harmless, many have saidthat this is just the first step on aslippery slope that leads to sin. “It starts out with anklebracelets, moves on to facebookmarriage, and before youknow it your jumping on a plane toMassachusetts to get married,” saidpastor Rick Evans.A group of activistshas sprung up to push for theexpansion of the bill. CaliforniansFor the Expansion of Proposition 8and Against Facebook Same-SexMarriage (C.F.E.P.8.A.F.S.S.M.) isgaining support all over the state. “We are confident that wecan get the votes needed to stopthese atrocities, but first I reallythink we need to shorten ourname,” said group representativeGlen Foler.Although voters won’tultimately decide on this issue untilit makes it onto the ballot, tensionand support continue to build onboth sides of the issue.
Mandatory footwear for girls. PHOTO / polyvore.com
 
Lego to Build Wall on Mexican Border
Jake Waxman
Candidate No. 5
Brian Fratto
Minister of Silly WalksDear Editor/students of Weston High School:You, my fellows Westonians are some of the finest that this school has ever seen. Your attention to class workand attendance has allowed you to receive one of the best educations in Massachusetts. The diverse class structurethat you have encountered should help you in your pursuit of greatness. Every necessity has been covered in thisinstitution.As a youngster, you developed social skills during frees, where you could caucus with fellow classmates toensure that social image that you portray is the one that you want. Rich study of cultures has opened your eyes tothe way that life is outside of the utopia of Weston. Like the life of a General Motors CEO.Math and science courses are unparalleled at Weston High School. In the biology rooms, the fetal pigs seteach room abuzz giving them that science feel that will help to induce learning no matter what the psychological cost.Math rooms fare the same. State of the art technologies allow learning to take a digital approach. No longer can onesay that they could not get the notes, for they are already online before the bell. This school lacks nothing that an upand coming student could want. Woodshop, who would want a woodshop?-The un-silent minority
Letter to Our Esteemed Editor
Nogales, Arizona—After a long and bloodybidding war, the LegoGroup of Holland hasfinally won a contract tobuild a fence along theborder between the UnitedStates and Mexico.Bidding forthe contract was firstannounced by the Bushadministration back inlate November, 2008, andwrapped up in early March.For those whodo not know how biddingworks, a bidding war iswhen multiple companiesvie, or “bid”, for contractsto build or do something.They offer to do the taskfor a certain amount of money, and who everoffers to charge the lowestcost generally wins. “As I recall, thestarting bid was 500million dollars to buildthe fence,” said Lego CEOKjeld Kirk Kristiansen, “weeventually got it down toabout 30 million.” Lego’s chief competitor in the building,Rent-a-fence, had to pullout after it was discoveredthat its fence was onlyintended to be temporary.Already, a teamof more than 3,000 Brickmasters and “volunteer” school children have begunlaying the foundation forthe fence, which will stretchabout 900 miles from theGulf of Mexico to the PacificOcean. “Everyone atfirst thought thiswas ridiculous,building a fenceout of Legos,” said the Legosupervisor of the project,Larry Buildez, “but when youtake financing andthe environment intoconsideration, it’s actually agood idea.” Although thestandard Lego brick is a2-stud by 4-stud brick,because of the scope of thefence, Lego plans to usethe above-standard 2 by16 stud brick. “Each brickcosts about 1 and three-fifths cents to make, soeven though we’re talkingabout several million bricks,that’s really quite cheap,” said Buildez.Including the totalcost of bricks and workers,the fence is estimated tocost about 17 million USdollars to build. As for thedisparity with the contractprice, Kristiansen explained, “this is essentially a Legoset, and like all Lego sets,the price is going to be jacked up far beyond whatit should be.” Even more like aLego set, the fence willbe builtby handfollowingeasy-to-usefull-colorinstructionbooklets. “Alot of ourworkerswill be coming from dayschools, or volunteerbuilders from around theworld,” said Lego’s HumanResources coordinator MarkSteinbrick, so it’s importantto have a set of directionseveryone can follow.Actually, themajority of the workerswho will be laying outthe individual bricks arefrom Texas and Arizona’spublic schools, who will beworking for desperatelyneeded community service.Department of HomelandSecurity agent Jack Bauer,who is overseeing securityfor the project, believesthey are just doing thisto get out of school, andimpress colleges, but hehas no proof.To ensure honesty,all the student builders havesigned a document statingthat they genuinely wantto help their communities,are not interested in doingthis only for colleges to see.Interestingly enough, all 5,314students have signed theirnames as “I. P. Bucketts”.Mr. Bucketts, of Houston, TX, could not bereached for comment.With regards to thefence itself, the Lego designteam decided to go with asimple and elegant layout. “It’s a large wall,” said Legodesigner Bjork Bon Jovi. Thefence, when finished willbe about 10 feet high, fourfeet across, and 900 mileslong. However, unlike earlymodels, the final product willincorporate a variety of colors,representing recycled partstaken from other models. “We try to avoidmaking new parts if we can” said Kristiansen, “reusing oldpieces is just part of the fun.” Despite this so-called “fun,” a Lego official, speakingon condition of anonymity,said that in fact, Lego wasscrapping several other largeprojects, including its Moonbase, to provide the necessarymaterial for the fence. 
PHOTO / toyrhinos.nl
 
Dan Friend
First Citizen
New Study Finds Blackberry Smart Phone Addicting as Nicotine
A recent study released bythe Harvard School of Public Healthon Wednesday, concluded that theBlackberry smart phone containsaddictive properties similar to thosefound in cigarettes, and otherrecreational drugs.The four-month study tested40 female teenagers, aged15-18, andrecorded the amount of time each of them spent on their Blackberry smartphones during the day. “The resultswere truly astounding,” said PrincipalInvestigator of the study, MichaelSareehan. “On average, these girlsspent 8-10 hours of their day textingon their phones. The girls used themin class, while driving, and even keptthem by their bedsides at night. Infact, on average, a Blackberry wasin a 2.5 foot radius of its owner at alltimes”.During the last month of thestudy, when the Blackberries weretaken away from the teens, the girlsexperienced withdrawal symptomssimilar to those of people who try toquit smoking. “The subjects reportedfeelings of anxiety, panic, and a lossof connection with the outside world.They felt like they were maroonedon a desert island,” said CathleenShewmire, a researcher in the study.In fact, the effects on theseteens were so serious, that thestudy had to be cut short when aviolent altercation between aresearcher and a subjecterupted. “She just keptstaring at her phone,” saidDerek Kay, a witness to theattack, “and when the phonestarted beeping to signal anincoming text message, shelunged at the researcher like arabid dog. It look enough sedativefor a 250 pound man to take thatgirl down.” Sareehan warns that lackof action against this Blackberryaddiction will have detrimentaleffects on our youth. “These girlsdon’t know how to communicate ina face-to-face conversation. Theydon’t understand human facialcues, body language, and oftenforget to blink. They communicatein incomprehensible babble, withno regard for spelling, grammar, orsyntax. If we don’t stop this now,the next generation of females willbecome mindless texting zombies!” On the molecular level, scientistsnow believe that touching theBlackberry activates the pleasurecenters of the female brain,which releases endorphins(natural mood enhancers).The high is equivalent toone’s first encounter withcrack cocaine. In fact,the device has latelybeen dubbed the “Crackberry”. Studieshave shown thatmen ages 16-35are less affectedby the Blackberry,bolstering the theory thatthis addiction is a sex-linkedtrait. Interestingly men, ages 35-60 especially those who work athigh-paying corporate jobs showsimilar responses to Blackberrystimuli as teenage girls. Harvardhopes to commence a study on thisdemographic starting next fall.
Two Tickets to the Gun Show
Michael Glen
Dr. of Gonzo JournalismYes, you. You have been chosen for theesteemed privilege of two free tickets to the gun show.Let’s take a moment to allow the full weight of thishonor to sink in. You are about to witness the sight of my bare,chiseledarms in alltheir glory.Now,what makesmy “guns” so special?Notice how Iso wittinglyrefer to myarms orbiceps asguns. Ha. Well, over the past few weeks I have beenlifting weights in gym class. I am now able to benchpress 1,000 pounds, more than any man has liftedbefore. Yes, my guns are in pristine condition.The show will be magical. You will arrive at myhouse nervous, unable to imagine the immensity of my biceps. You will ring the doorbell and I will answer,holding the door open to you like a gentleman. I will leadyou to the couch in my living room where you will soongaze upon the awesomeness of my strength.Once you are properly settled in your seat theshow will begin. Before I start, should I get you a glassof water? The sight of my guns has led many to begincrying and hiccupping with astonishment. First, I willremove my sweatshirt. The t-shirt I will be wearingunderneath will offer you a mere taste of the greatnessyou are about to witness. I will then roll upmy sleeves. This is it. The moment you havebeen waiting for. My naked guns in plainsight. Angels will come down from heavenand begin to sing. Butterflies and unicorns willdance around us in admiration of my massivebiceps. It will be greater than a Greek play.After gazing upon my guns you will nodoubt feel an intense desire to touch them.I am sorry but that is not possible. My armsare meant only for the touch of goddessesand you are definitely not one. No, I will nottake you on a date or kiss you. No, I mustmaintain composure and resist your pleas. I am destinedonly for some Greek goddess like Aphrodite or Hermione.I expect that you will give the other ticket to agood friend of yours. If you do not want the tickets thengive them to two of your closest friends. And please,make sure they are girls. I don’t want a repeat of lastweekend. That was too awkward.
PHOTO / gadgetsonthego.net

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