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 Acquiring the taste of life:
 A Personal Perspective On Eating Disorders & Recovery
 Written By: Jessica Pierce
Eating disorders are perhaps the most cunning, baffling, yet intriguing psychological disordersthat plague society, past and present. They are also one of the most devastating, exhausting, andmisunderstood. Those who struggle, all too often spend more time on the therapist couch, then their own. Treatment centers and hospitals become a way
of 
life, rather then a way
to
life.My name is Jessica, and I am 27 years old. I struggled with an eating disorder, and other self destructive coping mechanisms, for over a decade. I am a Renfrew Alumni, and, ironically, also an exeating disorder treatment professional [Mental Health Technician]. Professionally speaking, for threeyears I worked at a residential facility that specialized in the treatment of eating disorders andsubstance abuse. Being on the other side of the treatment process, was a very interesting experience,one which taught me more about myself, recovery, and life, then I could have ever anticipated. Thisexperience played one of the biggest roles in the triumph over my own eating disorder, as I had toultimately resign from my job due relapsing and struggling in secret. As a result of this uncomfortablesituation, I learned the lesson of a lifetime: a lesson on boundaries and humility. From a personal perspective, during my struggle toward and throughout recovery, I had just about seen, heard, and doneit all. Inpatient, residential, outpatient, intensive outpatient, support groups, retreats, therapy, psychiatrists, medications, dietitians, hospitals, complimentary therapies, and self help. I hit many peaks in recovery, and seemed to be doing great. However, inevitably, I always crashed, and thingscontinued to get worse. Eventually motivation became exhaustion, not only for me, but for my familyand my treatment team. At 23 years young, I left a job I loved [at the treatment center], filed bankruptcy, and went on social security disability. Well past frustration, I felt suffocated by a cloak of guilt and shame. I felt hopeless, my family felt helpless, and my highly dedicated, qualified treatmentteam seemed to be running out of approaches to use with me. There is truth behind the ever-so- popular proverb,
“You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.”
Today, over 3 years later, I have gone from disabled to differently abled, and my onlyinteraction with eating disorders [ED] is from an objective standpoint. I am thriving for perhaps thefirst time ever, and I have recovered from a disease that at one point seemed, and was explained (bysome), as an unrealistic feat. When asked if I was interested in writing this article, I felt both privileged and uncertain. While I have done a great deal of writing for eating disorder awareness and prevention, I have never done so for a solely professional audience. Having this opportunity to sharewith you, is not only an indescribable honor, but probably one of the most empowering ways I could“use my voice”. I only hope that my thoughts and experiences can shed some inner light on a subjectthat outwardly reflects darkness.Speaking from both sides of the treatment process, therapy in any form is a multifariousventure. The therapeutic process specifically for individuals with eating disorders is especiallycomplex. Treatment is about resuscitating entire familial patterns, even if the family is not able or willing to be present. The therapeutic dynamic is about recognizing and healing false belief systems,while addressing and attempting to reverse a compromising and potentially fatal disease. Furthermore,understanding the dynamic of eating disorders, and recovery from them, is the best resource one canhave during the process of recovery. Sadly, this is a resource that, often times, only further complicatesan already complicated situation. So, why is such a readily available and cost free resource, also a potentially toxic one? Simply put, recovery is one of the few processes in life where there is little to noroom for the fine line that separates understanding the process, for how the process
really is
, and
 
understanding the process for how one
 perceives the process to be
. In example, as I recall my ownrecovery journey, I whole heartedly believe the dynamic of the recovery process was significantlymisunderstood by those closest to me. As a result, I felt my process [and progress] was infringed upon.At the beginning, treatment for my eating disorder was honored as a necessary and beneficialcomponent in my recovery, and I was encouraged and supported along the way; The alliance formed between my treatment team, my support network, and myself, was ultimately reflected on my progress[how ever obvious or subtle]. As time passed, though, my progress remained both somewhatunpredictable and unsettled. Therapy, [and other recovery-oriented activities], was no longer viewed asnecessary or beneficial. In fact, it was expressed [by family] as being “a luxury”, more specifically, “aluxury I could not afford”. In turn, the alliance between my treatment team, my family, and I, began tofracture; from there, a whirlwind of emotion surfaced, perpetuating the very cycle that we were tryingto break. Clearly, this is only one example of the variety of hurdles that can arise during the recovery process, and core issues range and trigger differently, from person to person. With that being said,considering the fact that treatment is encompassing, I tread lightly in saying that eating disorderedindividuals are among the most exhausting clientèle there is.In addition to the many intricacies of the recovery process, further complexity lies withintreating personality fragments, as both individual parts and as parts of a greater whole. For example,more times than not, eating disorders are accompanied by a variety of emotional/mental disturbances.While these emotional obstacles may pose an overall threat to any type of client, recognizing andtreating such disturbances specifically in regards to the eating disorder client, is an enigmatic task.After all, to what extent, are such conditions an integral part of one’s psyche, and to what extent,merely a physiological adjunct to having an eating disorder? Furthermore, if a person develops aneating disorder early on, thus interrupting the normal biological stages of development, how can anaccurate assessment of one’s personality be formulated at all? I have seen, and experienced, theramifications that stem from this seemingly straightforward notion. During my own recovery, I hadacquired an embarrassingly long list of psychiatric diagnoses and disorders, many of which wereclassified as mental illness. My symptoms ranged from mild to severe, and with that, I was given littlehope of complete recovery from my eating disorder and other self destructive behaviors. Also, beingthat mental illness runs in my family, and at that time I was exhibiting some eerily similar symptoms,my overall prognosis was far from promising. Interestingly enough, when I was able to maintainstronger periods of recovery from my eating disorder, my mental health improved dramatically. Onthe other hand, when those periods of recovery were followed by agonizing relapse, the emotionaldisturbances returned with a vengeance. Today, my mental health bares no resemblance to how it was prior to recovery. In fact, it is quite dumfounding, partially amusing, and overall bittersweet to evencompare the mental instability I experienced then, to the mental solidity I presently experience.Having at one time been explained that life would be “symptom management”, at best, yet having livedand experienced complete freedom for several years, it saddens me how many [false] restrictions were put on the possibilities of my own recovery, and to further dismay, how prevalent the constraints onrecovery, generally are [as a society].
 
As I’ve clearly established, there are very few constants that remain uniform throughoutrecovery. The one consistency, I believe, is an abstract derivative of a basic human principle: Whatworks for one person, may prove toxic to another. Despite the many similarities shared betweenclients and their presenting issues, the one differing factor may be the most influential of componentsin the recovery process. I have had experience with all genres of therapy, ranging from traditionalcognitive behavioral therapy to less traditional experiential and expressive therapies. I have witnessedand experienced on countless occasions how one type of therapy may work wonders in one client, butwith the next client it may not be so successful; Or how as a person grows with their process, their therapeutic needs change along the way, and treatment may need to be adjusted accordingly. Nevertheless, it is important to realize that while recovery is
a
process, recovery is not
the
 process. Just as treatment is the cornerstone to recovery, recovery is the cornerstone to a productiveand fulfilling life [without ED]. In hindsight, I realize how easy it was to get lost in the process of recovery, and how that ultimately blinded me to the reality of life. This served as both a pleasantsurprise and a rude awakening. After taking a brief hiatus from therapy, I returned with a different purpose. Being in therapy under such different circumstances has opened way to understanding thesimilarities [and differences] between the process of recovery and the process of life. In one way or another, therapy and treatment had always had some affiliation with my eating disorder. Even well intorecovery, and well into being completely symptom free, the distinction between living life after havingan eating disorder, and just living life [period], was a very hard distinction to make. Understanding andliving according to the notion that recovery and life are parallel, not to be confused withinterchangeable, is both a cathartic and humbling experience. I am ultimately reminded of thiswhenever I am asked about my own eating disorder and latter recovery process, to which I respond“I was held captive by my eating disorder for almost four years; I was completely and totally atED’s mercy. I took a chance on recovery, and the six grueling years thereafter were spent in one battleafter another, in attempts to claim my life. However, it only took the last two years of battle to win thewar. Now that the battles have been fought, and the war has been won, it’s about maintaining the peaceas a civilian.”On one last note, there is no doubt that one of the greatest insights pertaining to recovery residesnot in what is said. Rather, one of the greatest insights resides in when and how what is said, is
heard 
.The timetable for that to occur, is as individual as the individual him/her self.
“ The real voyage of discovery exists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes” 
~Marcel Proust~ 
I currently reside in Houston, Texas and am a first time college student. I plan to obtain my AssociatesDegree in Psychology, and continue on for my Bachelor's of Science in Business Communication. Iwork as a caregiver for the elderly, and as a booking and promotions agent for a local independentmusician, and have hopes of becoming an entrepreneur. I remain dedicated to eating disorder awareness and prevention, and am involved in the
You Are Not Alone
Book Projectswww.youarenotalonebook.com. You can reach me via email at:youarenotalonebook@gmail.com 
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