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Spencer Best

CondomsBuying condoms is a terrible situation to find yourself in. The choices you have regarding eachaspect of the condom-buying experience are all bad. There are no "better" options.First, you decide

where

to buy them. Do you go to the grocery store? No. They're always in oneof two places: near the front of the store at the T-intersection between the checkout lanes that run perpendicular to aisle seven, the personal hygiene aisle, or they're back near the pharmacy wherethe people in white lab coats cast judgmental eyes on you (or worse: they ask if they can

help you with anything

). It's not only the pharmacists, though. That entire area is an area of solitudefilled with nothing but contraceptives, hemorrhoid creams, tampons, and pregnancy tests. Thelast think you'd want is to bump into someone else in that area. At the front of the store it's just as bad. You're in plain sight of all the gawking, zit-faced, teenage cashiers, and you run the risk of amother pushing a cart filled with Lunchables and small children passing by you. No good. Nogood at all, in fact.So you go to the gas station. Or do you? The gas station has exactly two aisles. Your condomsare conveniently stocked adjacent to beef jerky sticks, motor oil, and bags of sour gummyworms. It's also in plain view of the cashier and anyone wishing to purchase any number of different items. If Macho Man Randy Savage came in for an oil change while carrying a gummyfishing pole, you'd be triple-screwed. He'd walk up to you, wearing those black sunglasses, andsay something like, "Snap into a condom!" Also no good.So you're left with the half-hour drive out of your way to a drugstore. Probably Walgreens. Thecondoms are in the same precarious spot as they were at the grocery store with a pharmacy, butat least it seems more...appropriate, you suppose, like this is where you're

expected

to buycondoms if you absolutely must.As you walk into the store you instinctively look towards the cashiers. This is yet another aspectof the experience where there is no good option. Unfortunately at the drugstore, though, there areusually only one or two cashiers. You pray for no old women. Please, God, please no old women.Something about buying condoms from your grandmother makes your stomach knot itself andyour legs turn on you. Then you pray for no young, attractive women. You'll be judged. You

know

you'll be judged. You don't really know what that means, but you know you will be. You pray for no men. You'll be scoffed at. They'll think you're buying them for practice in case thetime ever comes when you

actually need one. Regardless, your prayers are not answered.You get to the condom aisle. This is it. Lubricated, extra lubricated, ribbed, ribbed and extralubricated, lamb skin, spermicidal lubricated,

Magnum

Twisted Pleasure

, strawberry, glow-in-the-dark, thin, extra thin, battery-powered, et cetera. You can't spend more than ten secondslooking or you'll just die. People will think you don't know what you're doing. You can't get

Magnum

. They'd laugh at you and ask where your mom was. Glow-in-the-dark? You know your way around just fine down there (how many places can there

to put it?). How thin is too thin?Do you want to know an adorable animal died so that you could have ten minutesthree minutesof protected pleasure? What do ribs do? Ten seconds is up. You go with the regular, lubricated,non-ribbed, non-twisted, non-lamb ones. You hold the box in your hand with the front of the package pressed firmly against your leg while your palm conceals the other side.