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Introduction
He doesnt love me... He doesnt talk to me... Why did he get married to me if hes going to treat me like this? I looked at the sister as she had tears rolling down her cheeks and thought to myself... ...What can I do to help you? How can I soften your pain? Whilst at a seminar, a sister approached me in hope that I will take her to the Shaykh and he could give her advice. Much to my surprise, it was her mother in law who was pushing her to do so, due to the pain of seeing her son treat her this way. SubhanAllah, at that moment in time all I could do was to reassure her that things will get better, as well as offering her support by ensuring she was seen by the Shaykh, which alhamdulillah she was. I have used my personal development background and research within this topic to ensure I have presented this topic well with the best and most relevant information. Alhamdulillah, everything has been referenced back to the Quran and Sunnah, in hope of ensuring you get the best and attain the pleasure of Allah azza wa jal in the process. The material in this book is from my own experience, seminars and lectures with Shaykh Waleed Basyouni, Shaykh Yaser Birjas, as well as personal development seminars with Shaykh Muhammad Alshareef. You dont have to go through a painful marriage... Allah azza wa jal wants you to be happy and so it doesnt have to be like this - you can learn this now and save yourself from choosing the wrong direction in life.

In Allah we put our trust, whilst doing our best to know the rest.
Though, the main thing for me is being able to assist you in this journey. Hence, I hope you have a great read, gain a lot from this book and may it be a means of moving forward to success. ...And Allah azza wa jal knows best.

Alima Ashfaq
Founder of iamAlima

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Let the Journey Begin...!

Imagine someone came to you right now and asked you to follow them, without thinking about it; the awe of this individual led you to get up, leave what youre doing and follow them. They look at you right in the eye and much to your surprise, the glitter in their eyes leaves you mesmerised... As they stretch out their hand in hope that you will accept... You slowly, but surely, slide your hand into theirs. You know them. You trust them and you know theyre not going to let you fail. As you follow them out of the room, youre led to the front door. As youre taking the steps towards the unknown, your heart skips a beat and you think to yourself; Ive been waiting for this all my life... The person opens the front door and you notice that its dark, not a ray of light in sight. This is strange... Im pretty sure its supposed to be light. You mutter to yourself. As you continue to follow, you see ahead of you two roads, both long and winded - one tread upon more than the other. As you look on your left you see an array of cars zooming down and youre surprised by the speed of the cars. Theyre going to have an accident if theyre not careful! You speak up and as you do, the person looks at you with a smile and says: Yes they will, in fact if they dont face the fact that its dangerous to continue the way they are, theyre going to have to face the pain. Then you turn around to your right, this road has a softer and smooth feel to it, you can just sense the serenity coming from it. Slowly you start to smile and you turn to the person and say; Can we go down that road? It looks so much nicer... With a small chuckle, they turn to you and say;

Its your choice. The life you choose to lead is due to the choices you make. If you make them right, with intelligence, then you wont go wrong. If youre hasty and you go into a road without a calculated decision, then youre setting yourself up for trouble
Suddenly you hear someone calling your name... Wake up and stop dreaming! Were l ate, we need to be there by 7pm and its already six! Shouts your Sister up the stairs. What is the family going to think?! If you want to get married to this person, you better hurry up down stairs RIGHT now!

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Oh maaan, Ive been thinking again... SubhanAllah, am I ready for the ride?!

Thats where I come in... Alhamdulillah I have been blessed to attend many seminars, lectures and experience a lot of people who have amazing marriages, those who are going through tough times, as well as sisters who arent married and not sure where theyre headed. I have done my best to deliver this topic in the best manner possible, focused on the important topics in hope that you will enjoy the read and move forward to study further into this topic in sha Allah. Either you get it right now, or you dont. One has a life of happiness, and the other has a life of heartache. Do you have any choice but to become the best?

Let the journey begin!

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What is this Mysterious thing called Love?

Living in today's society youve probably seen a movie based around love. Perhaps youve read a story that clicked with you, or maybe youre a dreamer just hoping to feel this mysterious thing called love? To drown in it, feel the powerful emotion that yo uve dreamt of all your life. Or maybe youve experienced it... Or feeling this emotion as you read this book? ...Wake up! Wake up! Let me bring some reality into it... (Hey, at least give me a chance?) Ok cool, Im ready when you are... Bismillah, let the ride begin... :Steps onto the Ship:

Love and Lust are two different things and they both exist. The main issue arises when you get one mixed up with the other and due to this many problems can occur. Though hey... At least we know that it exists right!? Love is a mystery. It cannot be defined rather its an emotion that you feel. The Prophet salAllahu `alayhi wasallam when speaking about his wife Khadija radiAllahu `anha said, Verily, I was filled with Love for her. From this hadeeth we learn that love happens and when it does its nothing to be ashamed about. Allah `azza wa jal says in the Quran: And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. [ArRoom 30:21] The key words in the verse are - Mawaddatan wa Rahma - which translates as Love and Mercy. Allah `azza wa jal created us to love someone, feel loved and be happy. He azza wa jal created this love within marriage, as real love can only grow and be maintained within a marriage.

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Lust;

this is generally what we see around us in the movies,

its a fabricated imaginary type of love that is portrayed through two perfect individuals who passionately fall in love. They look great and when theyre in each others company they feel great (and they have no arguments at all!). We usually have no idea what happens at the end of their lives because the movie finishes when theyre in their early twenties, at the prime of their youth. :Rewind Rewind: We need to get real! Life is not perfect and at times you feel an emotion towards someone, but this shouldnt blind you.

In this life when you experience love its extremely strong and its not a sin as long as you dont act upon it in the incorrect manner. The emotion may be something youre unable to control, but your actions are in your control. There are two types of love as defined by the Scholars. Hubb is the Arabic word for love and Ishq describes the other type. Ibn alQayyim rahimahullah said; both were unique. He said Hubb was pure and noble, whereas Ishq was a forbidden, beyond the limits type of love and this is when someone will go to haraam measures to be with the one whom they love. ...Your heart is precious and you have an amazing future ahead of you.

Whoever you allow to enter into your life, will take you in one direction as adverse to another, one of good or one of evil. I have discussed the criterion set by the Prophet salAllahu `alayhi wasallam, so your aim in life should be - to be this person and get married to the type of person who the Prophet salAllahu `alayhi wasallam recommended. If youre already married - become this person now, and make du`a that Allah blesses your spouse to do the same. If you still dont understand what love is, then as I mentioned its rather mysterious! It just happens...

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Marriage in Islam
Either youre married, looking to get married, or dreaming to get married and for some its not happening anytime soon! Whoever you are, marriage is a topic that Allah `azza wa jal has spoken about highly and its essential for us to learn what marriage involves and the importance of it. The Prophet salAllahu `alayhi wasallam said, Whoever has married has completed half of his religion; therefore let him fear Allah in the other half! [Bayhaqi]

The concept of marriage has been present from the beginning of creation.

Allah `azza wa jal says, And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates... [Surah ArRoom 30:21] Islam encourages marriage in many places in the Quran and Sunnah. We are taught by Allah azza wa jal that men and women enter into marriage to earn three things; tranquillity, love and mercy. The Messenger salAllahu `alayhiwassallam said: For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage. [Sunan Ibn Majah] In Islam, feeling something is not haraam and if you do have such a feeling for someone and its done in the best manner, then marriage is the next step for such individuals.

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I want you... But I fear Allah!

I grew up in college learning many lessons about the importance of al`Affaf, alhamdulillah I started practicing Islam at 14, so as you can imagine, I observed my surroundings learning lessons, rather than getting involved. I would see good brothers and sisters being led astray by their emotions, because they didnt take the correct steps to protect themselves. Hence, they fell into problems which caused them pain later on. If only they had learnt the concept of Al-`Affaf they would have been protected... All in good time, I will explain what this all important concept is!

...Have you ever heard someone say; Living in the West is tough! Theres haraam everywhere! They may be referring to the billboards, their interactions at work, University, or perhaps in their home on the TV and Internet. Your eyes, ears and thoughts are constantly exposed to indecency wherever you go. In fact, if a person doesnt strive to control what comes in, there is a fear such indecency will appear in their actions.

The Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam said; There are seven whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day when there is no shade except His Shade: a just ruler; a youth who grew up in the worship of Allah, the Mighty and Majestic; a man whose heart is attached to the mosques; two men who love each other for Allah's sake, meeting for that and parting upon that; a man who is

called by a woman of beauty and position [for illegal intercourse], but he says: 'I fear Allah', a man who gives in charity and hides it, such that his left hand does not know what his
right hand gives in charity; and a man who remembered Allah in private and so his eyes shed tears. [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] Many of us have grown up in the West, so we know how valuable a person is who protects themselves. The reason behind this is because its tough! Not only are we exposed to it daily, rather its human desire to want to be loved and when someone gives you attention, for both men and women, its natural to want to receive it and give it in return.

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So... What should I be careful of?

Where youre at Your location

Your environment determines your actions. It either strengthens you or opens the doorway to the whisperings of Shaytaan. Ultimately, if you spend too much time in the wrong environment you will become accustomed to certain actions. I remember back in College on the one hand we had the common room, which was the pinnacle of haraam (...may Allah protect us!) on the other hand we had the prayer room, a small room yet cosy in its own right (when they put the heating on that is). Back then, I chose the quiet prayer room over the buzzing common room due to Al`Affaf and I spent the next two years sitting there contemplating where I wished to go and alhamdulillah due to this sacrifice, I believe He jalla wa `ala has blessed me to be where I am today.

You have a choice in where you wish to spend your time, so make your choices wisely.

The people you love your Friends

You are on the mindset of your friends, so watch who you befriend. As they will either be a means of success, or a means to failure. A good friend gives you the strength to abstain from that which will harm you, they advise you to do good and remind you to fear Allah azza wa jal. So ya... Choose Your Companions Wisely!

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You went too far! - Exceeding the bounds

This is when you exceed that which is lawful, in other words - you go too far! You either talk too much to the other gender and your thoughts escalate and feelings develop. Or you look too much and then love at first sight becomes common. Perhaps you hear way too much for your own good! This may be in the form of listening to the opposite gender and elongated discussions, or even in the form of listening to haraam such as music; which causes you to desire that which is unlawful according to the Shariah. Allah azza wa jal warns us of the tricks of Shaytaan. He says: Satan promises them and arouses desire in them. But Satan does not promise them except delusion. [Surah Al-Nisaa, Ayat 120] He just wants to distract you from your real purpose of life. His mission is to destroy you and lead you to the hellfire, so dont let him win.

So... How do you protect yourself? (Do you even need to ask?)

Marriage - One of the best ways to protect yourself in

this society is to get married. If you get married to the right person for you, youve struck gold! If you cant get married, then you should fast as recommended by the Prophet alayhissalaatu wasalaam. The Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam said: "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power." [Bukhari]

DhikrAllah - Busy yourself in the remembrance of Allah azza wa jal and if something comes up that
is indecent or will lead you on a slippy road say; A`udhu Billaa Himminash Shaytaanir Rajeem and seek refuge in Allah from this act.

Avoid free mixing and Khalwah - If you want to

protect yourself, be wary of where you spend your time. Prophet Yusuf alayhissalaam was tested by Azizs wife, in her desire for him, she tried to seduce him. Yusuf alayhissalaam was emotionally strong, hence he was able to say no to her. This was due to his amazingly strong connection with Allah azza wa jal and when she approached him, he ran away from her and he did this with fear! We need to have fear of falling into sins like this in our lives. We need to run away from anything which will cause us to disobey Allah azza wa jal and with this we will attain happiness in this World and the Hereafter.

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I like her... I like him not.

Choosing the Right Spouse
Imagine if you got married to the right person? :Like seriously: They were right for you, not perfect - though when you thought about it, they were perfect for you! Not a Hero ready to cross an ocean to save you (even though that would be nice I guess), nor an unbelievably beautiful damsel in distress waiting to be rescued by you (but hey, you can dream). Rather, someone who is willing to do those small things which mean something special to you.

Now imagine if you got married to the wrong person. ....Yikes! Your marriage wont be perfect. This is why its essential to choose a partner who will help you achieve a breakthrough in the times of trouble, rather than someone that will be the cause of your break up! Now hopefully you are aware that choice matters! Hence, the question arises what do you look for?!

Brothers - your turn to choose...

The Messenger of Allah salAllahu alayhi wasallam said: Life is a form is pleasure; and the best form of pleasure in this life is a righteous woman. [Muslim] You need to look at it from various perspectives and one is the Ummah. The Ummah is made of various nations, each nation is made of various communities, in each community there is the family and the core of the family is the woman. She is the cornerstone that will take this Ummah to success as she is the mother of the future generations. Keep this in mind and lets look at the criterion. ( Though, hey... Who said you cant have fun?! Its all parse in parcel of a happy family!) A woman is married for four things; her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religiosi ty. So go for the one whom is religious, may your hands be filled with dust. [Muslim] This hadeeth shows that there are various reasons a person gets married and it doesnt disregard them, rather it makes religion the priority. However, when it comes to beauty Imam Ahmed rahimahullah recommended that a man should ask about her beauty first and then her religion, because if he was not pleased with her beauty, he would reject her based on this, rather than her religion.

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Religious Commitment and Good Character

Your future spouse needs to have fear of Allah, they should remind you to remember Allah azza wa jal and uphold your religious obligations.

Shes gotta look good! - Beauty

You need to be attracted to the woman whom you wish to get married too. Islam is practical and it addresses the physical needs of a man. Allah azza wa jal wants you to have a beautiful wife, because He jalla wa ala wants you to be content. However, everything is best received in a beautiful package and without the correct contents you will face problems later on. The true winning is the religious commitment of the woman, so make the basis of your final decision her religious commitment, whilst ensuring physical attraction is present. Oh yeah... Dont forget beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Virginity
This is not a condition for marriage, how ever its recommended by the Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam to Jabir radiAllahu anhu and example for others. He salAllahu alayhi wasallam said: Should you not have married a virgin girl so she could play with you, and you could laugh with her and she could laugh with you? [Bukhari & Muslim]

Shes like me... Shes like me not! - Compatibility

Look for someone who is, well kinda like ya! These are the factors you should consider; age, language, background, financial status, family status, social status, and whether you share the same goals and objectives in life. ...The same sense of humour would help too!

Sisters - your turn to choose...

For women the Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam gave some advise that is pertinent to your Wali, he salAllahu alayhi wasallam said: If someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to y ou, to marry your daughter, then marry her off to him. If you dont do so, there will be tribulation on the earth and the great deal of evil. [Tirmidhi]

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This hadeeth demonstrates the importance of religion and good character in a man, as well as highlighting that men shouldnt be rejected on trivial matters if their Deen is up to scratch. Hence, for a woman its essential she knows what she wants in her future husband, so she can make this decision based on what she needs to ensure she can give the best return and have a happy marriage. When Musa alayhis salaam fled from Egypt, he headed to Madyan during his journey and thirst he came across a well. Here he met two women who were waiting shyly on the other side for the men to finish taking water, so they could feed their animals. Musa alayhis salaam took it upon himself to help these women. The women were so humbled, they requested him to meet their father and in turn, through their interactions with him - we learn a lesson of what a man is.

Religious commitment
He is a Muslim and has TaqwAllah, fear of Allah. As a woman you have the right to refuse marriage to someone who doesnt fulfil the rights of Allah azza wa jal, in terms of belief in the correct Aqeedah and acting upon religious obligations.

Good Character
He needs to have good manners and his Emaan has to exemplify his outward experience. A woman who marries someone with a good conscience, who cares about others and their feelings will never lose out. If shes happy, it will please him and if things dont work out at times, he will respect her feelings. AlHasan bin `Ali was asked: If I have a daughter whom should I marry her to. He replied, Marry her to the one who has Taqwa (fear) of Allah. If he loves, he will honour, and if he doesnt like her he will not abuse her. Musa alayhis salaam was alAmeen; when he saw the two women, he respected the fact that they were sisters and lowered his gaze. This teaches us if a man doesnt go about his affairs correctly, especially in regards to marriage in an honourable manner, then he will run away the first chance he gets. (...and a guy like this is not worth it).

A Hardworking Man
You dont want to get married to someone who is lazy! Rather, your marriage should be based on energy. Musa alayhis salaam was a strong man. This was shown through his strength in helping the women and in the process getting more water than they needed. In those times it was tough work and Musa alayhis salaam excelled in it.

Compatibility
...Look for someone who is, well kinda like ya!

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Men are from Mekka & Women are from Medina

So youre wondering... What do Mekka and Medina have to do with Men and Women?! (Surely there is no comparison?). Ok, let me amaze you... Are you ready? (...And give me a chance - lets analyse the people around us to see how true this really is). :Steps foot into sunny Mekka: Marriage will only flourish if you understand who youre getting married too. Men and women are not the same and once you understand the differences between you both - you can move onto a happier marriage. So... Whats Mekka and Medina have to do with it?

The Land of Mekka & Medina

Mekka is a hard, dry land - Much like this, men are generally dry and dont know how to cry. If they do, they dont want to show it and instead keep all the pain within them under the guise of masculinity. Medina is soft, with water flowing beneath it and the rain is consistent throughout its seasons - Which reflects women who can easily cry and theyre not scared to show their emotions. In fact, under the guise of femininity they display their emotions regularly. Mekka has a harsh climate; its rough and known to be a mountainous area - Mens beauty lies in their masculinity, power strength and ruggedness. This is what makes them attractive and allows them to lead effectively. Medina is lush, full of splendour and serenity - Women are known to be peaceful, full of serenity and their femininity makes them beautiful. Mekkas main emotion is `izzah, they are full of honour and will do anything to protect it. They like to be respected and acknowledged, this is what motivates them to excel as individuals. Medina is full of sukoon, the people are known for their softness. Women are generally more loving and caring; theyre soft by nature and will generally give more than they receive.

Differences in Quranic verses

Mekkan verses are short, straight to the point and general. Medinan verses are long, detailed and at times they keep going on, and on. The above are very broad generalisations though I hope you get the point, theyre different. The Quran is composed of both types and theyre both eloquent in their own beautiful way. In fact, without one or the other the dawah wouldnt have succeeded and the Muslim community wouldnt have flourished. We need both verses in the Quran, as they add beauty to it and both are unique in their own ways.

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Are Men and Women different?

There is no doubt that Men and Women are physically different and the same applies to them in a variety of aspects. Hawaa was created for Aadam, she was created from his side illustrating the need for each other and life would be incomplete without the presence of the other. Allah azza wa jal has created us different and when this is misunderstood, friction can occur between husband and wife, or even in general interaction between both genders. Happiness in a marriage will come from understanding the nature of the other, complimenting their differences, enjoying them, reacting to them correctly, appreciating the diversity and accepting them for who they are.

How does this apply in the Western Society?

In most current societies, every man has some elements of Mekka present and some elements of Medina within him. The same applies to women. Just like Mekka is overwhelmed with an influx of Hujjaj every year, its flexibility allows it to cope with the stress and then bounce back to its normal self. Similarly, men do cry and women do become less soft, they both show elements of masculinity and femininity at times and this is acceptable. The only time Islam discourages this is when its taken to an extreme.

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The Languages of Love

How Love is Interpreted Differently
So... Do you drive? Or are you taking driving lessons? If you have no idea what Im talking about, then Im making an assumption youre too young to be reading this.. . :Back to the topic at hand: When you first started the engine... How did you feel? A tad bit intimidated? ...Thought so! If I asked you; why did you feel intimidated? The answer would have been: I didnt know the language of this beautiful machine! Its so complicated... Now once youve got the hang of it, if I asked you to take the bus, youd be flabbergasted! In fact, some of you cant live without it now! The main reason for this is because you learnt the language of the car and once you mastered it, your love for driving hit the roof top! For those who dont drive... Your time shall come... Your time shall come inshaAllah. Many problems occur in marriages, because men and women try and communicate with their other half the way they communicate with their male or female friends. At times they feel like theyre speaking a different language to each other.

We need to understand what love is and how it is expressed and this is done by understanding the languages of love. Once we know the languages of love, you can understand how one side gives love, and how they wish to receive it.

So... What are these languages of love?

Spoken word
Have you heard of the statement; Actions speak louder than words? In marriage this isnt always the case. Actions dont speak louder than words, rather its your language of love, the random com pliments, nice words, appreciation for them as a person that matter to your spouse. Words like; I love you do have an unbelievable effect and can bring positive changes in your marriage if they are said consistently. That being said, many brothers are too shy to say this to their wife and what they dont realise that a woman needs to be reassured over and over again that she is loved. Take note of what you say to each other and take time out to say nice, loving statements to each other consistently and sincerely.

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My time, your time... Our Quality time

There is nothing better for the success of a marriage than good quality time with their spouse, its something they desire and need. In fact, nothing screams out; I love you more than your undivided attention for your spouse and nothing is more critical and hurtful for your spouse when you spend time with everyone except them. `Aisha radiAllahu anha narrated that it was the custom of the Prophet Muhammed salAllahu alayhi wasallam, that he would speak to her from `Isha until late into the night, when it was dark as they had privacy and no-one would disturb them. This was narrated to us in Saheeh Bukhari. Look how the Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam would spend time with his wife, he made her feel special. A woman wants her husband to listen and when he does, they love him for it. Listening is a great tool to have and if a husband wants the best out of their wife, by taking time to spend talking and in turn listen to her, hell gain her love.

Gifts
Hold up... Hold up - Dont mistake this language of love for materialism, the one on the receiving end of the gift wants to know that you love them, they thrive on effort you put into it and the fact that you were thinking of them to buy them something in the first place. The Prophet salAllahu alayhi wa sallam said; exchange gifts, as that will lead to increasing your love to one another. [Bukhari] In Islam we are encouraged to give gifts to each other. This hadeeth shows that the purpose of giving the gift is to build the love between us and who better to gain the love other than your spouses love? When you give a gift to your spouse, it shows you want the other person to be happy, even if it means spending your money and giving away your possessions in the process. It also shows you have thought about the person and this has a great effect on the person receiving the gift. So, if you want to increase the love... You know what you have to do!

Physical touch
Commonly when people think of the physical side of marriage they always think of the bedroom, this isnt the case, in fact, for a women its far from it. A woman wants to be constantly reassured that she is attractive and this is done by non-sexual physical gestures such as; a hug, holding hands, and a touch by her husband that is thoughtful, whether on the hand, shoulder or face. For women it shows that he still loves her, whereas for a man - he loves his wife and at times may not see the importance of such actions. If you understand the language of each other and this is something that applies to you or your spouse - then acting upon it will help strengthen your relationship and thus your marriage.

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Conclusion
There you go, the all important 6 topics you need to know about marriage. However, there are many more, this E-book is just a summary to get you started for the real journey, inshaAllah.

...Now the real journey begins... Bismillah!

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