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The Love That Never Dies

The Love That Never Dies

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The diaries of a mother who does the impossible for the good of her son. Later on, her son, josh, astonishes her with unexpected surprises.
The diaries of a mother who does the impossible for the good of her son. Later on, her son, josh, astonishes her with unexpected surprises.

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Published by: Rim Mohammed Toutounji on Jul 23, 2013
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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08/21/2014

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‘’NO’’ I protested, “This can’t be happening, what do you mean he’s gone? He was just there in themorning, reminding me of how much he loves me! You’re lying!” I screamed as tears were streaming
down my face. But all the police officer managed to say was
“I’m sorry for your loss “, and just walked
away, like it was so simple to cope with. I close the door and take a look at the house I lived with my one
and only love, memories start to run through my mind causing the tears to run down my face. I’ve never
felt this way before! I feel in denial, but looks like reality, mixed up feelings. If only I told him I was
pregnant before he died, maybe he would’ve been more cautious. But that’s just
fate; regrets anddoubts will never change it or even make me feel bet
ter. I think I’ll just have to raise our baby alonecarrying his memory, I know he’ll always be there for me, watching me in every big leap I take. He’ll bethere smiling when our baby shows his first smile, he’ll be filled with joy when he walks, and I know he’ll
be flooded with tears when he graduates, marries, and even gets a baby. No matter how sad I get, thisbaby is the only memory I carry of him.
3 months passed by faster than I expected, I’m already in the 6
th
 
month. And it’s easier now. I just try
 
not to close my eyes anywhere, except when I sleep, just not to imagine he’s beside me. The last thing Iwant is to visit a shrink. I’m being stronger than I expected, I’m proud of myself! Every time I feel him
kick or waddle, I get Goosebumps from my thighs to my arms. Having a human inside of me feelsawkwardly wonderful. To know that this tiny human inside of me will later be a huge aspect of my life, agift beyond compare. This little baby prevents me from being sad or depressed all the time, I feel like
he’s going to be crying inside of me if I do. But I’m trying my best all for the good of my little baby boy.
 
It’s the month, the 9
th
! This is so exciting, even though he’s really heavy and he’s hurting my back A LOT.But it’s worth the pain.My baby’s finally here, he’s gorgeous, a handsome little boy. Just like his father. He has tiny hands, and
feet that are almost edible. He has tiny little blue eyes. It feels amazing to know that this baby that wasinside of me is now beside me. And hopefully, he will always be beside me, learning, playing, and talking.
I’m so excited! Like I advised myself, I will be writing throughout every month so I can never forget any
glorious moment.
My baby’s 2
nd
 
month of living, isn’t so exciting, all he does is sleep and eat. But it’s still fun to watch himeating and sleeping, he’s all I have. I’m repeating the words ‘goo’ so he could just learn to speak just atleast one letter, so I can know how he sounds like talking. It sounds crazy, but it’s my wish. Maybe I’ll
skip a month or two of writing, I have nothing to write about him and what he does, but I will act as if my mind is a camera or something.
So, it’s my baby’s 4
th
 
month, and he’s smiling!! He has no teeth but he shows his gums and they’re tiny, I
love him so much.
It’s almost abnormal for a human to love another this way. Will he ever love me backas much as I loved him? I’m afraid all his smiles, I will later on not see often. I want to be as close as I can
to him, so I can never remember him, as I said before, I
don’t want to visit a shrink. I’ve never felt thistowards my husband, or even my mom. This is a different type of love I feel towards my little baby. It’slike he’s a part of me, he is, but I just can’t explain it! I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t feel this
towards
 
me because I was the 6
th
 
baby she got, wasn’t so exciting to her. But Josh, my little baby, is not only my
first baby but the only thing I have now, the only thing I have to grab on to.
I’ve decided this isn’t a very good idea, because I have a camera now. So, I won’t be writing on hereanymore. I know I won’t go to a shrink because I’m so occupied by
Josh;
I can’t get sad or depressed.
 
It’s been a long time since I last wrote, I’m reading this, and I’m thinking wow, I expected so much from
him. I
’m glad those expectations faded away for now, he’s too young I’d be pressurizing him all the time!Josh is now 3 years and a half and I’ve captured every important moment, his first steps, a video of himsaying mommy, and many more. He’s going to be entering kindergarten in a few months, and I’m afraid Iwon’t be able to cover up all the fees. I’m going to have to start looking for a better job, better than asaleswoman, maybe a manager of some shop. It sounds impossible, but everything’s worth a try!
Writing on her is really hard for me; since I have to go by the first time I was informed that my husband
is dead. I won’t write on here unless it’s something that bothers me or excites me, just to rememberhow I felt. A picture can’t describe feelings for all
I know.
Josh is 10 years old now, time flies! But, I don’t know much about him anymore, I know nothing,actually. Not his marks, how he’s doing, I have to go to his teachers and ask! I don’t know where I went
wrong, or where he went wrong! I feel like this house that I worked so hard to keep, is only a place for
him to sleep. Last week, he asked where his dad was, or why doesn’t he have one when his entirefriends have one. I imagine the pain he feels whenever his friends’ dad comes to pick him up. He fee
ls
left out. It was hard to explain where his dad was, so I just didn’t, I told him that his dad traveled toanother country when he was very young. I didn’t go any further; I don’t want him to hate his father!Even though he’s dead, I have a feeling that
he listens to us; he also feels what his son feels. Tomorrow, Iwill try to sit with him and have a stable conversation with him, try to know a bit about him. What scares
me is that his friends may be bullying him or even teasing him because he doesn’t have a father. He’s
too young to go through this! I have to talk to him, I have to know. I have to help him like I promised..
So, I tried to talk to him. But all he said was “mom, I’m not 5 years old, I can take care of myself”, “mom,
and stop worrying so muc
h!”, and “mom, can you please stop? I’m going to my room”. That’s all hemanaged to say. Why doesn’t he appreciate all I have done for him? I never asked for much, but thelittle boy I’ve spent all this time concerning about, talks to me like this now.
But, I will try to know, I will
visit his school tomorrow and try to talk to his teachers, get to know what’s happening!His teachers told me that he isn’t participating in class, or even sitting with anyone at lunch. All he does
is writing down on his littl
e notepad. It was very awkward, how come I’ve never seen him writing? Whatis he writing all this time? I guess I’ll never know, maybe I should give him some space. I guess I’mbothering him. As long as his marks are doing fine, I’ll leave him writing what
ever he wants.
Josh’s 15 today and I didn’t even get to tell him happy birthday. He’s spending it all with his ‘bro’s andhis girl’. I love to see him grow up, but I never knew he’d distance himself away from me all this much. Idon’t want him to regret anything, but I know that he’ll regret treating me like this. I’m going to bake acake for him though, even if we don’t get to eat it with each other and I don’t get to hug him and tellhim how much I love him. I know he’ll feel a little bit of joy when he s
ees the cake; no body loses his
 
excitement towards surprises no matter what! I wonder what he’s doing though. Like why his bro’s is allhe cares about now, hanging out with them, staying all night out with them, and I’m afraid they don’t
care about him! Th
ey seem so important to him, or maybe I’m just outdated. I just hope he’s doinganything bad with his girl or her bro’s. I wish nothing but the best for him. I’m sure he knows what he’s
doing, I trust him. I think.Today is a very bad day. I feel like som
eone died, I just can’t stop crying. The past few months have beenhorrible! I discovered he’s doing drugs with his bro’s, and there isn’t just one girl! There are MANY girls.
And he moved out, dropped school. He ruined his future! All the good things of dreamt of him being
have now officially just been a dream all along. I don’t remember going wrong,
I trusted him? Wrong?How can I live not trusting him?
He’s still the young boy in my eyes! How can he live all alone out there?
Who is he living with? I have so many question, does he think I can ever stop worrying about him. I know
one day he’ll be back, but till’ then, how can I go on living my normal life knowing he might not be safe.I’m going to look for him and talk him out of it this can’t be the end! He’s my son, it should never end!He can’t cut off his mom, not completely at least. I promised I will always protect him and be there for
him!
No good news, haven’t found him yet. But if this is the lifestyle he chooses to live, I can do nothing but
support him. He will come back one day; no one can live for so long without a mom. Even if they won
the love of a princess, they will never find such love that a mother has for her son. He can think I’mannoying but he can’t deny that he needs me as much as I n
eed him. I feel horrible, down in the dumps.
I’m remembering my husband and now, my son. This is too much for me to handle.For the past weeks, I haven’t been eating much, or going to work. I just can’t eat while I’m crying, and Ican’t go to work with no
energy at all. Like my life is suddenly gloomy. I miss the incandescent life I used
to live. But knowing my son was never happy with me, tears me apart, like I’m the teenager who lost her
first lover again.
My life has become a mess, I need help. I’ve lost my only hope, and now I need a new hope. I think I’mgoing to have to go to the place I’ve never wanted to visit for the past 17 years, the shrink. After all,maybe he’ll care about me.
 The shrink advised me not to live alone, to invite my son to come o
ver. He didn’t know what happenedto my son, because I’m still stunned and I can’t talk about it. I didn’t talk at
all; he was doing all the
talking. If writing was a type of talking, I would’ve lost it long ago. Maybe god is repaying me for what I
did to my parents, I run away
when I was 18 to get married to a guy they didn’t approve of. But I ran
away for the good not for the bad. He also told me to try not to think about the negative, if only he
knew that ‘negative ‘that I was thinking about all the time
.
Years and years passed by and not once did Josh pass by or even send me a letter. But I’ve heard abouthim, he’s alive. I’m 63 right now, so he’s 44 today. I still sing happy birthday to him every year. I now livein an elderly’s home, and I sent a lett
er to Josh saying:Dear Josh,

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