me because I was the 6
baby she got, wasn’t so exciting to her. But Josh, my little baby, is not only my
first baby but the only thing I have now, the only thing I have to grab on to.
I’ve decided this isn’t a very good idea, because I have a camera now. So, I won’t be writing on hereanymore. I know I won’t go to a shrink because I’m so occupied by
I can’t get sad or depressed.
It’s been a long time since I last wrote, I’m reading this, and I’m thinking wow, I expected so much from
’m glad those expectations faded away for now, he’s too young I’d be pressurizing him all the time!Josh is now 3 years and a half and I’ve captured every important moment, his first steps, a video of himsaying mommy, and many more. He’s going to be entering kindergarten in a few months, and I’m afraid Iwon’t be able to cover up all the fees. I’m going to have to start looking for a better job, better than asaleswoman, maybe a manager of some shop. It sounds impossible, but everything’s worth a try!
Writing on her is really hard for me; since I have to go by the first time I was informed that my husband
is dead. I won’t write on here unless it’s something that bothers me or excites me, just to rememberhow I felt. A picture can’t describe feelings for all
Josh is 10 years old now, time flies! But, I don’t know much about him anymore, I know nothing,actually. Not his marks, how he’s doing, I have to go to his teachers and ask! I don’t know where I went
wrong, or where he went wrong! I feel like this house that I worked so hard to keep, is only a place for
him to sleep. Last week, he asked where his dad was, or why doesn’t he have one when his entirefriends have one. I imagine the pain he feels whenever his friends’ dad comes to pick him up. He fee
left out. It was hard to explain where his dad was, so I just didn’t, I told him that his dad traveled toanother country when he was very young. I didn’t go any further; I don’t want him to hate his father!Even though he’s dead, I have a feeling that
he listens to us; he also feels what his son feels. Tomorrow, Iwill try to sit with him and have a stable conversation with him, try to know a bit about him. What scares
me is that his friends may be bullying him or even teasing him because he doesn’t have a father. He’s
too young to go through this! I have to talk to him, I have to know. I have to help him like I promised..
So, I tried to talk to him. But all he said was “mom, I’m not 5 years old, I can take care of myself”, “mom,
and stop worrying so muc
h!”, and “mom, can you please stop? I’m going to my room”. That’s all hemanaged to say. Why doesn’t he appreciate all I have done for him? I never asked for much, but thelittle boy I’ve spent all this time concerning about, talks to me like this now.
But, I will try to know, I will
visit his school tomorrow and try to talk to his teachers, get to know what’s happening!His teachers told me that he isn’t participating in class, or even sitting with anyone at lunch. All he does
is writing down on his littl
e notepad. It was very awkward, how come I’ve never seen him writing? Whatis he writing all this time? I guess I’ll never know, maybe I should give him some space. I guess I’mbothering him. As long as his marks are doing fine, I’ll leave him writing what
ever he wants.
Josh’s 15 today and I didn’t even get to tell him happy birthday. He’s spending it all with his ‘bro’s andhis girl’. I love to see him grow up, but I never knew he’d distance himself away from me all this much. Idon’t want him to regret anything, but I know that he’ll regret treating me like this. I’m going to bake acake for him though, even if we don’t get to eat it with each other and I don’t get to hug him and tellhim how much I love him. I know he’ll feel a little bit of joy when he s
ees the cake; no body loses his