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Raging Innocence:Chapter 5.Regarding Cutting

Raging Innocence:Chapter 5.Regarding Cutting

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Published by Lisa Parks
This chapter graphically describes, in the first person, my experiences as a cutter, reactions from hospital personnel, doctors, friends, etc.
This chapter graphically describes, in the first person, my experiences as a cutter, reactions from hospital personnel, doctors, friends, etc.

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Published by: Lisa Parks on May 30, 2009
Copyright:Traditional Copyright: All rights reserved

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05/11/2014

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Regarding CuttingRegarding the Emergency RoomOnce the idea gets in my mind, there is no way I can stop it from continuing totake off…it seems to develop a mind of its own. Scary, yet extremely exciting, andonce it starts, I can think of nothing else. Cutting is like that. Overdosing islike that too.This time it’s going to be cutting. And really superb…a master’s plot, indeed. Oh,God…I can’t even think about it. My heart is racing and pounding so fast I canhardly breathe. I have to plan this out really carefully so that all will go well.The cutting will be deep, very deep. Perhaps I’ll even get a major blood vessel;who knows…if I can, I will. This is going to be a good one. I’m really excited; Ican feel my insides racing so fast that I cannot really think clearly. I have tocalm down, or I’m going to blow this. Calm down, calm down. Take a littleSeroquel. Take some deep breaths and try to relax. I have to plan this out or itwon’t work.Okay. Pack a bag of the things I need to take with me in the taxi. I know I needto take a razor blade. Take a razor blade. I have to go to my secret hiding place,in my bathrobe in my closet. They are in the pocket. Oh no…I can’t find them!Panic…! Where are they? Did I move them? Calm down. My hands are shaking so muchthat I can’t even look in the pockets…Take some more Seroquel. Three or four. Ifeel like vomiting. I’ve lost count of the Seroquel. I’m panicking and probablyoverdosing. I’ve got to relax.The phone is ringing! What should I do? I’d better not answer it. Anybody will beable to tell I’m acting crazy. I’m so scared. I should stop this before I doanything else! But I can’t! I should call Heron…but I can’t. I have to do this…Ican’t stop it. I’m driven; there is no way to stop this anymore. I feel likesomething has taken over my mind and body!Okay. Think clearly. Pack a bag. Call a cab. Dial for a cab. 303-777-7777. I needto get to Boulder Community Hospital “…as quickly as possible. How fast can youget here?” All right, the cab is on the way. Now I need to pack a towel and razorblade in a bag. But I have to calm down.I looked in all the pockets in my closet, and luckily I found a used razor blade.Thank God! I rinsed it off and wrapped some tissue around it and put it in abaggie. Then I took a small hand towel and put it in a large handbag. There…I wasready to go.The cab still hadn’t come. Ten minutes had passed. I called the cab company again.“Look, this is really important, when will the cab be here?’ Any minute, theysaid. My heart was jumping out of my chest. There was still time to change mymind, and call off this insanity…but I really couldn’t. It was out of my control.Hard to explain the feeling if you haven’t experienced it yourself. I really hadno choice. I had to go with it. I thought I was going to vomit“Come taxi, come! “Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the cab slowly pulled up into thedriveway, and I flew into the back seat. “Boulder Community Hospital” I said. Andoff we went, into a nightmare that would last forever….I paid the driver, and entered the hospital through the front door. Immediately I
 
found the rest room, coed, that was located between the lobby and the emergencyroom. Perfect, I thought; however, it was occupied. Every second that I had towait was like an eternity. I felt as if I were going to explode with fear,excitement, nausea, I don’t know what else. I wished someone would stop what I wasgoing to do. I felt as though it were written all over my face. Did I look ascrazy as I felt? I was shaking inside. Could people tell from looking at me?Finally the person came out of the bathroom and I could go in. I was barely ableto open the door…my hands were shaking so! Okay, here I was, in the bathroom, allalone. This was the place, and I had everything that I needed. All I had to do wasto calm down. So I took some deep breaths and sat down on the toilet and tried toget control of myself. But I was shaking like a leaf and I just had to go aheadwith my plan.So I opened my handbag and searched for the razor. I dropped it on the floor, andthought about how dirty the bathroom floor was. My heart was already exploding,and the thought of an extremely contaminated razor blade was rather appealing. Mymind was taken over by someone or something that really wanted to play Russianroulette with my life. What had I done to deserve this?And so the cutting began. I opened my shirt, I had no bra on, and I just began tocut on my left breast, on the top part, about two inches above the nipple. And Icut deeper, and deeper and deeper. The incision was about three or four incheslong, and into my ribs. I never felt any pain. It felt good…the more I cut, themore I wanted to cut…the more I had to cut. My hands were shaking, but I needed tocut more and more. I couldn’t stop. My heart was racing! I felt excited, scared,thrilled, a jumble of emotions. I felt on the verge of exploding. I felt likecrying.Someone was knocking on the bathroom door. “Oh, my God” The room was full ofblood! What was I going to do? How would I get out of there? I put the towel overmy breast, and covered it with my shirt. I was starting to feel calmer now. I tooka few deep breaths, and packed all of my stuff up in my handbag. I opened thebathroom door very slightly and slipped out, and closed it behind me. That way noone would see the bloody mess inside until I had gotten away. I then walked intothe emergency room, and walked up to the nurse and said, “I’m bleeding. I need tosee a doctor.”I’d lost a lot of blood and I felt woozy, but also, amazingly calm. The storm wasover.The nurse asked me to show her my chest. Lots of people around and I had to showher my chest, in front of them…FUCKING nurse. Really does a lot for your self-esteem. “Where did this happen?” she wants to know. “In the bathroom…right overthere,” and I point to the bathroom beside the emergency room. At that moment,people are screaming about all the blood in the restroom. Quite a scene. Yet Ifeel strangely at peace.The razor in the shoeMy room is the ‘quiet room.’ I was always in there, never moved to a regular roomwith ‘normal’ patients. They really expect a lot from me--I really hate thisplace! Tonight Harvey is returning from Mexico with Doug, and we are going out fordinner. Indian food at the Royal Peacock. ‘If you do anything…anything at all…that’s it, really…I swear! Its over for us. I can’t take another thing, Is that apromise or a threat, I wonder…I promise to be good, and the pass is granted.
 
Being home feels good, I guess, sort of scary, because of the stuff going aroundin my head. ‘The razors are in my bathrobe…murmurs a tiny voice…make it go away,please. Please, go away. Please! Please!!! GO AWAY!!!!GET THE RAZOR!!! HIDE IT!!!It is safely hidden in the lining of my shoe. No one will find it there.Dinner is, or should be, pleasant.. We are at ‘our’ favorite restaurant, a smallIndian place that holds lots of memories for us and has incredible food. Theowner, Shanni, comes over to our table to chat and asks where we’ve been.Harvey has just returned from Mexico with one of the kids…strange for him to takea vacation while I’m in the hospital…don’t you think? I want to ask him aboutMexico but my heart is beating so loud that Harvey can hear it, can feel it, I’msure…if I open my mouth to speak, my heart will spill out! What can I do to hidethis? Surely Harvey must realize what I am doing…does he?Harvey, please, eat fast! Faster! I have to get back to the hospital quickly…Ihave to do it NOW…NOW!!!“Remember what I am saying, Lisa, if you do anything…anything at all,,,if you blowthis…. that’s it, really, I swear! It’s all over for us. I can’t this crapanymore!”I see Harvey across the table from me, angry, frustrated. And just back from avacation in Mexico while I rotted in the fucking hospital! How I hated him forthat! In my mind, I flashed back to better days, many years ago, when Harvey and Icame to this restaurant and talked to each other…liked each other. But he hated menow, and has for so many years. He was always pressuring me…to do things Icouldn’t do. I could never be what he wanted me to be, Even in bed, he would readporno magazines…I was just a body…and not a happy one at that! He hated me like mymother hated me. And now he was looking for an excuse to end it. Well, I wouldgive him what he wanted!“I know, I promise, I won’t do anything,”HURRY! HURRY! HURRY!“Lisa, how was your pass? Did things go well? Did you have a nice time? Where didyou go?”“Great…it was great, really, but I’m tired, so I’m going to sleep. ‘Night.”GET ME OUT OF HERE! HURRY! The plan is taking form, and I have to give it myundivided attention…my heart is pounding and I have to calm down. Maybe in my roomI will be able to calm myself a little. Deep breaths. In through my mouth, outthrough my nose…over and over. There, that’s a little better. Okay. Now I have toget in bed and get undressed, go to bed with my shoes on. FUCK THATCAMERA!!!!!Always watching me…or is it really????? I don’t know if anyone isreally watching or not, but I can’t take a chance. So, be careful, slip into bedwith my shoes on…and be quiet for a while.The waiting is very difficult, VERY difficult. My heart is pounding so hard, sofast, that it is interfering with breathing. I can ‘t breath . I am gasping,struggling to maintain the ability to wait any longer. I have to get the razor outof the shoe without it’s being apparent to anyone watching me on the camera. I’m a

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