Strip SearchMy body is starting to get mild chills…I’m beginning to quiver slightly…How manyyears has it been now? I can hardly remember, really. And yet, I’ll never forget .I can feel it in every muscle…my face is still burning with humiliation and shame.I feel vaguely unable to act, and yet so angry I could kill. The feelings are alljumbled inside, bursting out, and I can feel the tears beginning to well in myeyes. Is there some reason that I need to remember this? Why do I want to rememberthis?I HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS! I will NEVER allow myself to forget. Not for myself, notfor anyone else who might be put in the hands of another caregiver like her. Ihave to stand up to this, and do what I can to make sure this never happens toanother vulnerable person.I can only do this by going back there, and by feeling it again, and allowingmyself to experience the terror, and confusion, and hatred. By sharing it withyou, and anyone who might want to go there with me…Let me take you back to a place and a time when I was so alone that I had nowhereto turn. Food was my only comfort, the unfortunate side effect of the drugs I wastaking. Depakote, a powerful mood stabilizer, and a drug that caused profoundweight gain. I was an obese, depressed person. But even worse, I had violent moodswings that rocked my world so intensely that even the power of the drugs was notable to control the flights. I seemed to find comfort in cutting myself, and Ioften would use razor blades to inflict massive wounds. I found the cutting to bestrangely soothing and comforting. The planning was often just as satisfying asthe actual cutting. Little in my life gave me as much pleasure.During this time period, I was in therapy with Dr. Green, and being a clinicpatient I was being admitted to Boulder Community Hospital, Psychiatric Unit,whenever I needed to be hospitalized. Of course, this decision was not always ofmy choosing, and usually against my will.There are rules and regulations that govern the practices in every hospital… evenin a psychiatric unit. Nurses and nurse’s aides cannot simply do as they choose topatients. Patients have rights, and these rights must be legally respected. Iquickly discovered that this is in theory only…and in an ideal world…Patients should be protected…and this includes being protected from the staff, ifneed be.I was not protected.As I come closer to telling the story of what happened to me, I can feel myselfsweating, and I’m sort of rocking back and forth. This is scary and I’m sort ofafraid to go here. But I must, and I will.I had cut myself, again, and I was admitted to 2E, the psych unit at BoulderCommunity Hospital. I can see her face. She was an older person, not verycompassionate, not a kind person. The routine stuff was over…pulse, B.P. andstuff, and now she was taking me to my room. She had a pair of hospital pajamasand told me that I had to get into them… and out of all of my clothes.Why is my heart pounding so now? This happened so many years ago? I can still feelit…She told me to go into the bathroom…the patient bathroom, in my room. There was
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