L'tfe a i'tb l4oTber

These lvere the years of World War I. The one I r/as born j-n of
c o u r s e I ca n rt re me mb e rn b ut f do r em ember the har d r ock candy I'l other
hoarded because sugar rrta6 scarce and tt was thought at that tlme that
sugar vras good for you.
I t t u a sb o rn i n T o l e d o ,Ohio in 1915. For m any year $ after w ar d
I was told, and my younser brother too, that we were ttplannedrfbables.
I n e v e r b e l i e ve d i t,
tfPlannedtrbabies are loved and cherished all of, their lives just
a s t h e y & ro r S ve ry p h a se and anpect of gr owth including their
p e y c h o l o g i .ca l *e p i rl tu a l b e tn6 ar o nur tu:Fed. They ar e r espected and
loved for the original human souls they are born with. itrach human
p h a s e t h e y e n to r l s co mp l eted ln an aur a of Lovj- n6 par ental co nc er n
f o r t h e we l l -b e i n g o f th e i -r whole por sor ir
I w a s n o t tre a to d a cc or ding to what was needed for pr oper s oul -
d e v e l o p e me n t. $ o me th i fi g v r a6 wr ong, and I knew lt. It waer &6 I di s -
c o v e r e d , p re tty mu ch i n l l ne wlth the Victor ian Age we had jus t paos ed
through.
Sharne vras a valuable tool j.n the reartng of ktds and Mother
wanted to mak4 certain I would not shame her. 5o I was put to shame
much of the time. I v/as an obedlent child, more than willing to learn
' But
h o w t o ma ke p e o p l e l l ke me. Gr own- ups did. in school I w as the
b u t o f t e a si n g . My yo u n g er - .br other did his shar e of it. But he
l i s t e n e d l e sa to Mo th e r a nd mor e to his feellng natur e, Need l es s to
6ay he did better than I * I{e was the clown, and that l-s where hj-s
rebellion w e n t. Ml n e , I stuffod, and only to have it r e*sur fac e i n
later llfe, fu l l fo rce , to inhibit m y per sonal pr ogr esa in som @&f,s &s r
I n o t h e r s, I so a ro d .
Feelings f have discovered slncer .&,9,3!somethlng. I had my best
years whtle I paid attention to them. They are &g.W wrongl
Not that my childhood was an impossible personal disaster g!! of
the time. Aside frorn tvirother participating in a very chiLdlsh kind of
w a y i n a ll o f th o se ch l l d h ood ventur es we liked to dr eam of and ac c om p-
]ish for ourselves, u/e sometirues managed to escape and live our own dreams'
,She bought the lumber for our tree-hopse and the cabin we wanted to
build under the hill, She went with us on/regular r,Saturday ten m1le
h i k e a n d to o k'6 s to sw S .m m lngclasses at the Y.!?,C,A. and lear ned al ong
wj-th us. $he seemed to want to be included in all we did except for
those tlmes ln the $prlng when we rowed our bo.at to the island in the
mlddle of the river after the ice melted and the water went down.
fhere w9 could live our dreams as we picked up reh-cs from the Indlan
w a t r s l A rro w h e a d e , p a rts o f sheletonn, ancient coi- ns and bayon ets , r ueted
and on their way to disintegratlon.
At th o se ti me s l .l o th er r s Br idge gam e6 took pr ecedence ove r our
actlvity. fhere were ttmes aleo during Bridge ganes lvhon we walked
t h e C l o ve rl e a f R a i l ro a d tracks accr oas the fleld which was on the other
s i d e o f th e ro a d fro m o u r house.
We plcked up chunhs of coal for the stove we did not have in the
c a b l n w e l ra d n o t ye t b u i l t, and peices of wood and old tln fr om far l en
s l g n s t o b e u se d . l a te r fo r that. W e never got to use our lngenui ty l tt.
M o th e r w a n te d th i n g C I to look good. She helped us build the c abi n
wlth store-bought planks from the lumber m111. She was good at helping
f l € r t o o w i th sch o o l p ro j e c ts of an ar tj- etlc natur e that r equir ed c ut-
tlng and pasting, sometlmes taking thern out of my hands just to be
hetr-pf,ulo
Sh e d i d a t1 o f th e h ousehold wor k after the maid left. She nev er
a s s l g n e d u s ch o re s o r to l d anyone what she wanted or expected of us .
$ h e j u s t w e n t a i re a d . N o matter how she suffer ed she would go ahead and
qccomplish whatever the task wlthout asklng for help. And how she suf-
f e r e d u nd e r th o se a rml o a d s of fir eplace logsl W e could te1ll I got
t h e i m p re ssi o n e a rl y i n l i fe that she wanted to suffer . Than k God for
l 3 r i d g e g a n e 6 . ,S h e co u l d for get those weighty r esponsibilities for a
f e w h o u r s a s sh e l o st h e rself in the car de and the lntr icaeles of the
8Ame.
$he could forget to call for her kids in the middle oft wj.nter at
the private school they attended some ten miles frorn home while their
k n e e s f r oze l i ke ca ke s o f ice up to and including their bottom s , and
tgs$ fingers under knitted gloves would hardly bend from the cold
as they wiped their runny noses and teary cheeks on harsh, dried-snot
h a n d k e r ch i e ve e * T h e n , a l r eady dar k, at fj.ve or slx otclock the c ar
d r o v e o p r a n d w l th a p o l o g ies and ttl foqgot all about Youttr w€ w er e
w e l c o m e d l -n a p a i n -'l a d e n v oice.
 Kidrs minds elcs'gserate j-n order to rationalize what they believe
t o b e tru e . B u t th a t l -s the way it wa6, and thatr s the
way r s om eti m es
m a k e i t se e m e ve n n o w w hen r anger at stmilar qccur ancee;in
m y Ltfe.
That was Motherl admlred by those outslde her
farnlly clrcJ-e, she
c o p e d we l l ' D a d rs sw e e tn apathetlc per sonalLty was usually
d.pow ned.
i n a l c h o h o l i c re ve rl e . He was often bedr ldden or deeply sun k tn
hi s
Sreen leather rocker, snoring and obllvioue to what
wae goi.ng on around.
him.
He was the dad that was never there.
Why must he come back to
haunt me now? why are theoe chlldhood
thougsts so strong? rt must have
been extrenely traumatj_c.
s n d Mo th e r, a mo n g a r l other thlngsr was his nur semald,
too, attend-
l n g t o a l l o f h i s n e e d e and. d.estr €6r she was
hts pr otoctor , hi s guar d-
1an, hls chauffeur his savior! she
-- was everything, to leverybodyl
Super-Mom! ,$uper-WJ-fet What a woman!
 I{ORE ABOUT MOTHER

I h aven't finished with mo t h e r y e t I p ro b a b l y n e v e r wi 1 I .

Beca u se of the huge gaps s h e f ille d in my lif e ; the wa y s in

w hich thought and action, h e r' s a n d min e , in t e rt win e d , a re

un a lter a ble. I iike to t h in k that my e x p e rie n c e wit h her on

th e h o me-front did not ta k e a wa y b u t a d d e d in s o me d ime n s io n

to m y g rowth as a person. f lik e t o t h in k that my p a in counted

in th e process, and I know j. t mu s t h a v e .

Da d was often among the mis s in g o n t h e h o me -f ro n t . He I ik e d

a cha n ge of pace. Drink in g a lo n e cannot be a re wa rd in g

e xp e r ie nce regardless of th e f a ls e e u p h o ria o r a n e s t h e t ic v a lu e

a lco h o l affords. A pparent ly , it s f re e in g in f lu e n c e ma d e it a

wo r thwh i.le interlude. Th e p a in of not b e in g t ru e to h is own

ne e d s and the desires of h is o wn h e a rt mu s t have b e en

excr u cia ting. The guilt of u n t ru t h d id n o t h in g to a ila y it .

I always sympathized wit h dad. I knew the pain and

fr u str ati ons inherent in l iv in g lif e wit h mo t h e r. The constant

ne e d to accompiish that in c lu d e d not s imp iy her o wn a mb it io n s

a n d de sires, but the impre s s io n s p re s e n t e d t o t h e o u t s id e wo rld

by th o se close to heri her c h ild re n and her h o me ; s u rf a c e

i m pr e ssions with no foun d a t io n on wh ic h to b u ild a n y t h in g

sub stan tive.

M other could manage this we 1 1 . He r n a t u ra i in t e re s t s and

her ar tistic abilities he lp e d her to re a liz e her c re a t iv e

p o ten ti al. The social po s it io n s h e lik e d to u p h o ld wa s

 en h a n ced by her ambitions and the d e v e lo p me n t of her t a le n t s

wh ich , though not of geniu s p ro p o rt io n s , we re a b o v e a v e ra g e .

Econ o m ic status aided her in these v e n t u re s .

Extr avagant christmas lig h t d e c o ra t io n s and d e s ig n s at

chr istm as time won her f irs t p riz e s in the I ig h t contests.
r m p r e ssive f1 ower and f o rma l ro s e g a rd e n s g a in e d her
r e co g n ition, while a vege t a b le g a rd e n o u t la y f u rn is h e d we ll-
ba la n ce d, nutritional val u e for the f a mily me n u .
A w orkaholic by nature, she d is c o v e re d she c o u ld not do
eve r ything. A rthritic t e n d e n c ie s s lo we d her up s o me , but
ba r e ly interrupted her ac t iv it ie s . s h e h ire d a g a rd e n e r to
h e lp with the outdoor wor k .

r ca nnot fail to admit that t h e re wa s a g re a t deal o f q u ilt

w i th in me because of the t re me n d o u s a mo u n t of wo rk she d id
witho u t asking for help o r a c c e p t in g it wh e n o f f e re d . r f e lt
th a t r was being raised for a " d o -n o t h in g " e x is t e n c e ; a
"cl othe s-horse" with no aim in iif e except to imp re s s o t h e rs .
By be in g in sweet agreement wit h t h e s t a t u s -q u o mI , g o a l in lif e
wa s to capture, in a pass iv e wa y , s o me o n e wh o wo u ld lo v e a nd
ch e r ish me for the rest of my lif e s imp le for t h e wa y r lo o k e d
a n d the act I presented to t h e wo r1 d .

rt was a frightening pre d ic a me n t r found my s e lf in wh e n r

d o u b ted my acting ability o n my f irs t date a n d wa s t o ld , "Just
be you r self, Dear." How c o u ld r p o s s ib ly b e my s e lf wh e n r
did n 't know who r was? r had been p e rf e c t ly s c h o o le d in
m a n n e r s and had no idea how to be other than a we ll-b e h a v e d
m an n e q uin. I had'not even le a rn e d t o p la y wit h other c h ild re n .

I co u ld not be like t,hen b e c a u s e I wa s a d mo n is h e d wh e n I wa s.

Be in g mother's perfect lit t le I a d y wa s h o rrif ic .

M o ther had her perfect lit t ie ia d y . Da d a n d b ro t h e r B ilI

d id not fit into what she t h o u g h t t h e p ic t u re s h o u ld c o n t a in .

Th e y b lurred it or dropped o u t o f it e n t ire ly . T h e p ic t u re wa s

i.nco m p lete and tepid. Pe rf e c t re q u ire me n t s a n d e x p e c t a t io n s

ar e n o t conducive to normalc y , if t h e re be such. S u c h n o rma lc y

m ig h t present a boring pic t u re , but at le a s t it wo u ld f it the

Am er ica n ideai artd this id e a lis m is not n o w e a s ily a c q u ire d .

It is no longer normal. Wh a t is ?