SPECIAL ARTICLE oF paa\ }ONS AND GARDEN PEAS ‘A Cancer Patient ‘als to Doctors? ‘Aves Stewant Tana J HEN 1 it reatied tha 1 might have cancer, 1 ‘at iramediney that I had tered 8 apaca place, a place Teame tell "The Land of the Sak People""The mow deconcrtng thing, ower wee ot bat I found that place tering So unfaran ‘bet that found itso eainary, o bal fe fo diferent, dt fel that ty ie had. tatetiy ‘Sanged atthe moment the werd coe became a tached to it "The sare ruler sil held, Wat bad hanged, however, sae other people's perceptions ot ame. Unconscious, eten ith a certtn amount af ndness, everyone withthe sage athe etrors sina etcepton ef my busbsod regu! me ay fomeone who hed been altered irevscbly 1 dont want to exaggerate my fsing of aliemation oo gi the impresion that asin any way dramatic. ne ‘po hoor sovis of the Kind I read 3 ew years ag the Naw Tot Toner; people did't move ter deat ‘ny from ine athe flee a refuse to tthe he Sten play with my ehldren at seoet because they "hough that eaner svn cnesing My fon ae al too aphistiated and to senate frat Lind of be hvioe This datance Tom me wat marked most of ail by ther inability to understand the onnarine, ‘he analy of whet was. happening to me: They ‘marveled at how well Iwas “coping with cancer 1 had become special no lnger ike therm, Theis gen tne concer for what had beppened to me, sad ie ‘complete separateness rom fe expreied erly wat Thad fell my ie about anyone Thad ever known who had expertnted teagedy ‘When asted to speak fo 4 group of doctors ned medial students abot what i was ke fo be cae ‘er patent, T woried for long tine seat whet T should sy. Te wat a peret epportuniy every pee ent’ fantasy ~ o complain about dato sen shy mares who etl ro Blaod property. perhaps eve the nfl ood in hospitals: Or rend, ecula presee mye asthe gcd pains, flo op iting thoughts aboat Rew mach had leaned rma having eanee. Bu, unlke my peopl, 1 had ad ery good experiences wih doctors na cpt, And the ole of the rave patent troubled mes because f rs afraid that al the brave things 1 said might no lenge olf got ek egain Thad bees ws eat deal daring the ftw yar ser ny oper tions I watched my best fiend ie ot myo Ser tightmares. She Goeoered tat the had cancer see fea month fer did Several moh se ht soe Alsconered that had meee de unseent fat operations during the no year and hall be late she died. Ally beve twas ested by Berd nes ast issn yt been tered by mine ‘And soT decided ot tok about te things that separate those f us who ave cance om tse Wo ot 1 died that he oly relevant thing oreo tall about was the one cing ut we all have est in ‘eminon, We are all fade dying ‘Our fa f death makes i esenal to maintain distance betwen oursches and anyoot, who" ttretened by death, Denying our conection to he Precariousnes of ethers Ines isa way f preening that we ae immoral, We need th deegpon = S Prepared forthe er when doen work For docs ters, who confont death when tey foto woe in the morning as outnly a other pple deat vit Elance sees ad compe printout rd forte, 6 thom a chest xray or blood tet if aner agin be 4 sop, oun procedure i pareieiy per tanto fce the fat of death agony, to tak abot Cancer connects sto one anther beaut having acer isan emboditet ofthe exstental paradoe that we ll experience: we et har wear imo Jetveknow iat weil de To Tasty’ fan ic theyll he had learned a a child, "Gaius ‘man, men ae moval, therefore Cae roel hed sla seemed -- coret ss applied to Calas bat Certainly not sapped to hind Like fan ey eal construct an elaborste at of defen mecha? isn to separate cures from Gaus, Te anyone who has bad cance, thee dene mechanisms be {ee talismans that we vest with «Lied of magic “These talians ate een 1 or sani, and yet ey need to be exon, Fit of al we beleve in the magic of doctor and sede, The purpote of tala eto pe wre ‘lover ig we ed of Doce ape ‘ens are atcomplcs in sain skin of ram in which we pretend that cocers hve the power eke Us well The ery best doctors — se hove had ‘ery best — share the por wih hel pete and {ty to gine ws the information hat we need sev secant iA as iii1 “THE Now ENGLAND JOURNAL OF mEDLEINE our vs treatment. Wheneuer Iam threatened by pani, ry doctor its me don and tele me some Hing eoneree He drave a pete oy ons, or Inmph nese explains a wll be ean er ere xcs work and what might be happening fay Body. Teer, me aporones my dtcoe itligesdy snd rationally av a problem tobe role, anes Jn logic to ‘be worked ont. Gf couric, tough knowledge, tough meditine, trough iniligente wwe do hate some cant, rar bs tis conte 5 Timed, and there i always the danger that the cae hate won't babave rationally ad respond 6 {he ineligent argument we kas eonsnuced, Cancer ‘ls, more than anything ei nature, ae ely ‘behave eratonlly we tine that doctors and mes th in ithe an urmceetl ee doser im out ofthetbe ands lor nore powcr od nage ‘The ever his of cor, ht the patent e- see ind a lina rh door Ble ey cath by Leaping people lie Tou pas 2 fomesimmestate sets he bx ay tases sector so be eat. you cnt manage at the ent be ing iste wehbe Capen he ‘Sterence'betoeen Sing heiny 468 Boog oe benved becomes tied ins hepa a a Tesolin te nese tae Ia) ite get wel help our dosed sea hye he Cae Paes fen oy at tr dtr sem angry with her wes do ‘spond to reatmey {hata peepee ote thon pat pranoi othe ef nee coped mee ego etheearaf death aga 1s tecraay tr doctor to baome ss grat pe {ee who are ding, only a a woy ef eparateg ‘iemelesom sotonc nite ey ane {ipod bef ime ang prota s arenes Weal do sto people boar sick Tap remaaies ning ery ene wy masks a ee ‘Easy en fer on ne Sancho need {6 twas hee fal ta abe wes sce eras teres fghtened mes uch naval tet ithiy end who aed tana Ue darsie ie pes pay Shady gh ed log wie impra ft or eee ‘arden od bine ac ear dae clei ab yo pring nye bonnes fay ef taking that T would somehow fae fave tect Two seh he boca Bite sty ae Sone ve have recgaed the tations of the sma of tain sd meine wea oe inveto tro urn magi oars eee ol er bie. For prope dent een, ts ten aes th ef ogg and eae tnd rmperndotal mediate Ft pope ato lnc ke the frm of conc ae a {he wlll, ora lng teal oa out ha ed cancer ivew henge abou pole hs ad simply decid that they mould not be if "meer ope story abouts man whe hd ling {sor and wile wih brett ance a ser dre supports he se simply cant afar be $k" Show she tomar went vay tieh Toe Fetlstst here waa mesng pan ths sory hes hears but there warn Soci that aged ght to ref Anew what he meant ve ound he {ach Thad canerunacceprte; the thought tet ny cilcen might grow up without me war Se Hie ‘ous asthe thug that fight forges o make ap Points for ter desta chechups aed pla shoe Up hed tobe there: OF course, docton gives it sfecedence tthe power a the wil ner yout fave always snpeced thatthe sora in ected Sis att ths power might le hove misng pane Myiend wh ded waned olive mare aan afore ate eer nnn. The talman of wil ont we for i “The need to exert some kindof control over the ‘atonal res ht we negine ate loee nor Sdies sho ress in what T have eome to recapoce ae “orev at” put on by people who have cece, Weal gov The bod count ine at Memoria Hospatcan te auf i chee: iNew erkon crn ‘rings Iwas on th ine, Goring ny fa Memon tt young lication, Sow ted ie, “thy wee ng eee ie he cone ton eld around here" (Bene te, that has Be Scat thing anyone had and 0 ee in penta) While wating fr bed coun, Ihave ead orice ‘erm people with ynphams who wee gies Up for dad lo eter hospi and who ae leing erie ‘The auephere i that ine sugges gebesng ot In i ves rch of dg Br {here ae alrays people nthe line who Gon ay any {hing at al I saye onde they eve the "ie eth eileration fe by thos ow nbo are sel Weslo, ar lear tha te dragons se ne Suite dad and might Sy tie beatae ray for another fight Bu our brave acs imporan es oe ofthe ways we sta lve, adits the way hat ve rine there who ive ip "The Land of fe We ‘rope hat we aren lf hat cent em tae ‘X mch as rlyon the alaman ete wil Tse {hat ving into much ean lad toate ind deception, Thee bos bona great deal wren (rmenty "oy peyhiists) abou why people at care a whi personality types are bet Hel tsp it Satan Sontag fas ponsee out tha ts ease son of cancer purales the esplantiom for tebe ‘lois that were popular Bete the dcavery of he ‘sbere ae, Bu te tenanng to ak tat Beople gt eacee Bens of thei ponents bes {ue that ples tat we ne soe corel aes swhctherwe gett {Onthe tar hand pope wont iv up smoking to avoid cance, don ce how ey fn be expected to change thet personals onobasi of far less compeling evidence.) The trouble with this explanation canter the ube why fatima ie ony usa when is charm oe eon, lg FT get sick, door that mean tat myo oes Sen strong enough? Ls being sick e ota end pe ‘holga aoe! fect aueesea got hase dragon, because Iam well should fe guy eff have aed get sk? a ne of he way that lo os avoid thinking about dent ig by eoncentratng on the dest of dey Tres, "The work that we do Cory day and he people we love — the fabri four Inet —Coninee at fe ate ne end that we wil say ae Witla ‘Soya stdin Seck'T sve ny i tole fom ding That is why we get up inthe moran Ge the morning seems parciary mitealos ae koe ing seriously considered the peso tha tess ‘moc igh belied. Ayer alter hed yng Femoved, my dhetors asked we wha feared abo ‘host Iwas about gotoNowe Seat, where he hummer home, aod where had nt bers ale toe the previous summer Beene | wat having ration tretnents, and tld hi tal what wes oe see rng yt pe elves, of couse, though they were pricey Boo that years What war extnordnarylvo te ae et Yer wan that fold Sgn think tat po wer Dotan, thet {Could concentrate on the dette of ‘when plant them and bow mach mulch they would eed intend of thinking about platelets an white Gels. Ieheished the prilegeo thinking aout iva ‘Thinking about dea can maketh eras of ures sem unimportant, ands, paraxial, they be. ome 2 burden ~teo mich trubie to tink shat Tis is the fel meaning of deprcsias fecting weighed down bythe encrete unde to mate tech Fore to mave objets aroun, sree by ens eis the fer af death thatexuses thot eau bec te fea af death est soo smh tothe pyc We think too much aboxt our bodies, sal sur bodies Become too conerec ~~ machine? net funonog propery. “The eter difialty with the taman of the moe ‘ment is tha its ten the very peecousess of here ‘oments that makes the tought of death so palate ‘Asi end gor elaser to death ae betame rather ‘moved from those she loved the mont She seme 0 fave gone to some pies whee we couldn seek her —Tothave did what dices sometimes ella pres ‘mature death" T mach prefered to tn of he es Jeying precous bomen. T remembered the almost Fiualstic way ake Bed her har eut and ted in san "bon befor brs srgey the fay somchow oy fal aero that we spe ping igh on er ty Shaved Lad. Thowe moment ede’ vem api wasn't so bed to hove cant But of cutee was ‘ear wos unpeabatly bud ad toward te end she sovldn bear peck about robe too set the People she didnt want to ewe. Phe stength of my et book" Why arn witing tis fora mat a hen oon mae perso gen nto he el a en me eae Non Yat Una orcte de ound "dost meas ee eee cu armani SS ae ae eae Incing one he tare we a 0 eerie Raed i, os pea stoned Actas ebro Se ay ay eae ag far ficre near are eee Ser tare ome carte as Si ee Se oe earn oneome mht alte Revista arenes Ae inches etn nee Beene Gace oats mona ewig