Human Toucu 3 An Audience of One: Charles Bukowski on Acne ‘Selected and introduced by Patricia Lawler -HARLES BUROWSKI'S SHORT STORIES AND POEMS chronicle a life on the fringes of society. For many years his work was read and enjoyed by the lserary underground but received little attention from the main- sirears pres. The movie “Barfly,” based on Bukowski’ life and starring Mickey Rourke, broughe his work to nation- «al attention In the following excerpt from his autobiographical novel Ham on Rye, Charles Bukowski recalls the humili- ation he endured asa renager from eytic acne About the 8th grade, going into che 9¢h, I broke out with acne. Many of the guys had ic but nor like mine. Mine was really terible. Iwas the worst cas town. I had pimples and boils all over my face, back, neck, and some on my chest. It happened just as I was beginning to be accepted as a tough guy and a leader. I ‘was still rough but it wasnt the same. I had to with- aw. I watched people from afar, i¢ was like a stage play. Only they were on stage and I was an audience of one ‘The girls were furcher away than ever. Some of them were truly beautiful—their dresses, their hair, their eyes, the way they stood around, Just o walk down the street during an afternoon with one, you 62 Fipauich’s Journal of Cnc Dermatology knows talking about everything and anything, I think that would have made me feel very good. Bukowskis aone worsened. During ROTC dri, bis rifle would break open lesions on bis shoulders. Growing increasingly self-conscious and depresed, he was with- drawn from school. Initially he used a “brown salve that stank’—probably sulfer and resorcinol paste. Eventually Bukowski sought care at the Los Angeles County General Hospital as a charity case. He describes a day-long wait there shat ended with bis being told 10 rewurn the nest day, When he finally did get t0 see a doctor, his treatment swas almast as painful as his condition. They called my name. It was a different doctor. I stripped down, He turned a hot white light on me and. looked me over. Iwas sitting on the edge of the exami- nation table. “Hmmm, hmmmm,” he said, “uh huh sax there. “How long have you had this?” “A.couple of years. It keeps getting worse and worse.” “Ah hah.” He kept looking. “Now, you just stretch out there on yout stomach, Mareh/api 1996 Se eee neem te mage meneame ag oomnnei sient ass eae antet ante ta ige tshirtSome moments passed and suddenly there were ‘many people in the room. They were all doctors. At least they looked and talked like doctors. Where had they come from? I had thought chere were hardly any doctors at LA County General Hospital “Acne vulgaris. The worst case I've seen in all my _years of practice! ” “Fantastic!” “Incredible!” “Look ar the face!” “The neck!” “Ljust finished examining a young girl with acne vulgatis, Her back was covered. She cried. She told me, ‘How will I ever get a man? My back will be scacred forever. I want to kill myself And now look at shis fle low! If she could see him, shed know that she really had nothing to complain about!” Thought, don't you realize that I can hear what youre saying? How did a man get to be a doctor? Did they take anybody? Although angered bythe callous attitude of bis doctors, Bukowski was willing to undergo any form of therapy to alleviate bis problems. One physician suggested an ‘tlee- tric needle,” which Bukowski refers as bis “drilling.” “Just go ahead and drill” I told him. He did. The needle got very hot but he went on and on, He drilled my entire back, then he got my chest. Then I stretched out and he drilled my neck and amy face. A nurse came in and she got her instructions. “Now, Miss Ackerman, I want these... puscules .. thoroughly drained. And when you get to the blood, keep squeezing. I want thorough drainage.” “Yes, Dr. Grundy,” “And afterwards, the ultraviolet ray machine. Two minutes on cach side co begin with ...” “Yes, Dr. Grundy.” Miss Ackerman was the first person to give me any sympathy. Ie felt strange. She was a chubby licte nurse in her early chirtes “Are you going to school?” she asked. “No, they had to rake me out.” Miss Ackerman kept squeering as she talked. “What do you do all da “Tjust stay in bed.” “That's awful.” Marchi 1994 “No it’s mice, Hike ic” “Does this hue?” “Go ahead. Ie’ all sight.” “What's so nice about laying in bed all day?” “Idontt have to see anybody.” “You like chat?” “Oh, yes” “What do you do all day?” “Some of the day [listen to the radio.” “What do you listen to?” “Music. And people talking,” “Do you think of gis?” “Sure. Bur thar’ out. ‘Then she was finished. I put on goggles and Miss Ackerman turned on the ultraviolet ray machine. ‘There wasa ticking sound. Ie was peaceful. Ie st have been the automatic timer, or the metal reflector on the lamp heating up. It was comforting and relaxing, but when I began to think about i, I decided that everything that they were doing for me was useless. I figured that at best the needle would leave scars on me for the remainder of my life. That vwas bad enough but it wasn't what I really minded ‘What T minded was that they didn't know how to deal with me, I sensed this in their discussions and in their ‘manner. They were hesitant, uneasy, yet also somehow disinterested and bored. Finally it didn't matter what they did. They just had to do something —anything— because to do nothing would be unprofessional. The machine signaled its warning that two min- utes were up. Miss Ackerman came in, cold me to turn over, e-set the machine, then left. he was the kindest ppetson I had met in eight years. Afier endring many “drilling” and ultraviolet treat- ‘mens, Bukowski finally got some response to his acne when doctors applied salve to his face and covered it with bandages. Unforcunately, he was unable to continue receiving medical care because his father was hired as a ‘museum guard, disqualifying the family from free med- ical benefits. Once again, his acne became more severe. It swas during ths period shat Bukowski supposedly wrote his first shore story. Bukowski wrote freely about his family, his secual experiences, and alcoholism relatively early in his career. But it tok this self-described ‘tough guy” almost £0 years 40 write, in Flam on Rye, about the scourge of acne com- pounded with adolescence. From: Charles Bukowski Ham on Rye, Santa Rose: Black ‘Sparrow Press, 1993. Reprinted with permission, Fiapauie’ Journal of Cisial Dermatology 68