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Guide to Living

Guide to Living

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Published by jesterofcolumbia
September 2013
September 2013

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Published by: jesterofcolumbia on Sep 01, 2013
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03/12/2014

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GUIDE TO LIVING
FREE DIGIALCOPY 
(Just scan this booklet!)
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 Jes te r  P rese n ts...
 
1
 Welcome!
Dear Class o 2017,Congratulations and welcome to Columbia University. Your experience here will be one o a lietime, and with all o the excitement awaiting you,I want to make sure you keep one thing in mind: You were each probably the big sh in whateversmall pond you came rom, but now, you’re in theocean, and you aren’t just swimming with sharks. You’re swimming with sharks so scary that their eyesare evolutionarily adapted to see through urine-clouded water, because no living creature has everseen one and not pissed itsel. Do you know whatthat type o shark is called? It’s called President Lee Goddam Bollinger.Tings here will operate by a certain code. Tis is my school. You play by my rules. You want to waste ood in the dining halls? Fine, but I’m going to release a pack o raccoons into your room to do a little wasting o theirown. Trow up in your oor lounge? I’ll poop inside your V. Skip toomany classes? I’ll ght your dad. And I won’t just win. I’ll gather everyone who ever picked on you in middle school to watch me take him apart likean old lego set. We’ll then celebrate the beating in a late 90’s rap-metal jamsesh so intense that every member o Limp Bizkit will ascend into the nightsky to orm a giant middle nger, because that’s how we do things here.I’m glad we’ve reached an understanding. I love this school, and I love allo you, but I do not play. Late one night, you may see a grown man ina Batman costume throat chopping drunk reshmen on Low steps. I’mnot saying that’s me, but i it was, it wouldn’t be weird. Tey would havedeserved it. Your RA’s, Public Saety, and the NYPD are mostly roadblocks on the way to real justice. Sometimes, old Lee has to jump in andpick up all the pieces. I am righteousness. I am truth. I am PresidentMotherucking Bollinger, and I’m the only hope you have.
Sincerely,Tings happen in the world aroundus. But
how 
exactly do they happen?Tanks to a generous grant romthe Hertzeneld Foundation,Columbia University will beopening the rst-ever researchcenter dedicated to building andorganizing knowledge in theorm o testable explanations andpredictions about the universe, aspart o a groundbreaking new eldo acadmic study known as “Science.” What exactly is science? Well,get involved and we can answer these questions together!
Intro to Science 
, SCNC 4632X, MW 10:00 - 11:25, NOCO 185
 Are Tere Dierent ypes o Science? 
, SCNC 2353, 1:00 - 2:25,PHILOSOPHY 563
How to Use Math and Science at the Same ime 
, SCNC 0242G,MW 11:00 - 12:50, PHILOSOPHY 902
 Am I a Science? 
, SCNC 4455, MW 6:00 - 10:00, NOCO 185
What Do You Call Someone Who Practices Science? Like a Science-er? Or a Sciencetologist? Help Me Out Here! 
SCNC 5050, MW 9:00 - 12:00, IAB 8203
INSTITUTE FOR THESTUDY OF SCIENCE
Sample Courses 
Edmund J. Stanton,
Founder o Science 
 
23
 JESTER 
 VOL. DFXII, NO. 1SEPEMBER, 2013
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Bijan Samareh
PUBLICITY 
Eleanor Bray 
SECRETARY 
Orli Matlow 
TREASURER PUBLISHER 
Elizabeth Sedran
CONTRIBUTORS
 Alex CurtisSave Dimpson
 www.columbiajester.tumblr.com
Interested in writing or us? Know a thing or two about layout? Need help opening a jar? 
E-mail us at jestersubmissions@gmail.com
THE JESTER OF COLUMBIA, ESTABLISHED 1901,IS COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY’S ONLY HUMOR MAGAZINE
Jester is published as many as our times a year and is distributed ree o charge to the Columbia University community. Please limit one copy perperson. Views, ideas, opinions, or unsavory epithets expressed in Jesterdo not necessarily reect those o Columbia University, its student body,or even the wise-ass college students who wrote them. Any similarities toactual people, places, or events are coincedental, or satirical in nature.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
 Jackson Fisher
 Welcome Letter.........Page 1able o Contents/Famous Residents.........Page 2Editaurus.........Page 3Policies (Fire Saety, Missing Student, Elevators).......Page 4 A History o the Dorms.........Page 5Fire Escape Plan...........Page 6Policies Cont. (Sound, Deocrations, Cleanliness).....Page 7Policies Cont. (Stamps, Quarters Faxes, Internet, Guests)....Page 8How to Use the Fitness Center......Page 9How to Decorate Your Room...........Page 10Dorm estimonials.....Page 11Exclusive Alumni Interview.....Page 12How to Cook/Roomate Etiquette.....Page 13
EMERITUS
Eli GroberRyan MandelbaumKevin Hart
FAMOUS COLUMBIA RESIDENTS
 Walt Lubich, John Jay, CC ‘22
Trew the bestdamn speakeasies.
Barack Obama,Ruggles, CC ‘83
 Was a cool hall mateat rst, but laterturned out to be kindo a disappointment.
Sanjay Patel, Carman,CC ‘78
Held the rst “Carman Party,” a Dionysian uckest that would gounmatched in hedonism until theMcBain Hall “Cottage CheeseDance” o ‘83.
Karen Soller,Hartley, CC ‘87
Inventedpre-gaming.
Susan Li, Wien,SEAS ‘01
Dealt drugs,thus initiating anenhanced war on un.
Dirk Feddler, Wallach, CC ‘42
 Ate a bunch o uranium inPupin while on an opiumbinge. Was then thrownrom a plane into Hiroshima,contrary to popular belie that it was a missile.

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