THE LAST GOOD CAPTAINby Joshua Allen(originally published in

Twisted Tongue

)Vincent twisted his neck, giving the bones a nice crack,and checked his vacuum-proof cigarette case. Two left. One was apull-tab self-lighting kind, and one was the old-fashioned kindthat required fire. Smoking was, of course, against regulationson any starfighter, but Vincent was about to die. So fuck theregulations. He checked the vast blackness outside his portal.The bright spot in the distance, that was home. The giantshimmering mass with an array of tentacles straight out of aLovecraftian nightmare was the thing that would soon kill him.He took out the pull-tab cig and popped the little yellow strip,inhaling sharply to get the cherry glowing. The white sticksmoldered and died. He cursed and broke the cigarette in two.Then cursed again for wasting the smoke."Exy, give me a light, would you?"A small red light flashed on the control panel indicatingthe oxygen scrubbers needed service. Exy's voice came from the

console. "The smoke will cause the scrubbers to operate atsuboptimum levels."Vincent cocked his thumb in the direction of the fractalsquid, the giant bronze-colored space creature currently lobbingacidic biomatter in their direction with its myriad tentaclesand smaller tentacles on tentacles. "That thing's going to turnus into scrap minerals and eat the bits that remain and you'reworried about air filters?""Optimism is part of my programming. Optimism has beenshown to increase survival of groups by as much as 20%."Exy, or X-11L484420 as he was officially known, was a sub-AI, near-sentient computer chip buried somewhere behind thecontrol panel of Vincent's fighter ship. The thing was also apain in the ass, so much so that Vincent had his doubts that Exyor any of the drones were "sub" anything, but the programmersassured him that the distinction, though fine, was present."I'll clean your scrubbers and your electronics with a finebristle brush when we get back to Chunly Station if you let mehave this last smoke."A small tube slid out of the control panel, bending on twodifferent joints until it was up near Vincent's face. Vincentsmiled and popped the filtered end of the cig between his lips.The fire didn't come.

Exy said, "Captain, do we have a legally binding agreementin this matter?"Vincent pulled the cigarette out. "How about you do it or Iblast you with my fusion pistol?" He kept one under his seat forjust such emergencies.The fire appeared and Vincent took the smoke into his lungsand coughed it immediately back out. "Been too long, Exy. Waytoo long." The pack had been a gift from Treena. She had sweethair that smelled like rain and a big golden Labrador whosetongue was bigger than his brain. Both of them were on Chunly,in the warpath of the fractal squid.Vincent cycled through the call signs of his availableships. Only sub-AI drones responded. Drones 1, 2, 7, 16, and 4were all that remained. The squid had taken out his livingwingmen with its tentacles. Those slimy little things weredifficult to see. When you thought you were looking at them theywould regroup outside your peripheral vision and you'd findyourself slain from behind when you were certain you werewatching carefully. Still, his men were trained fighters andshould have known better. Yet, one by one they had wandered tooclose to the squid and been captured and wrenched apart or justimpaled while sitting in their seats. The last of their screamswas now only a memory.