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5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
1.RESPECT FOR OTHERS AND SELFRespect—Not Deference
Respect is honoring basic human rights.Deference is the unquestioning approval of what others think or doregardless of knowledge/experience
simply
on the basis of being older,more powerful, or richer.
Self-Respect and Self-Caring
Set limits on what you are willing to do for others.
Evaluate situations to distinguish imaginary fears from thegenuine possible consequences and deal realistically withalternatives instead of getting overwhelmed by them.
Be realistic about what you can accomplish.
Don’t let yourself get so outraged that you hurt others andconsequently disappoint yourself.
Allow yourself to feel good about small gains in skills.
Forgive yourself for reverting back to more familiar nonassertiveor aggressive behavior.
5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
The Balancing Act: Respecting Self and Others
Example: Dissatisfied with the paint job on the garageAssertive Example:
“There are parts of the garage door that are still rough—I’d likethose sanded down more before you put the primer on.”
Shows respect for yourself and respectful correcting the painter’sright to be corrected without being put down.Aggressive Example:
“You’ve done a sloppy job of sanding the door. I’m paying you goodwages, and I expect good work. Do it right for a change.”
Implies that the painter is lazy and dumb. Even if this appearsincompetent by your standards, that’s not really relevant. What isrelevant is that you are dissatisfied with the work and want it redone.It also shows no respect for the other person (the painter).Nonassertive Example:
Keeping silent about your dissatisfaction, or
“I know you know your trade a lot better than I do. But these spotsover there—aren’t they kind of rough?”
Shows no respect for yourself.
5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
2.
DIRECTNESS
Communicate feelings, beliefs, and needs directly.
Hinting is indirect and nonassertive.
I.e. yawning when friends stay longer than you want.
When people don’t take our hints, we usually get angry.
I.e. “Why should I have to tell him to take out the garbage; heshould know!”or
“Why should I have to tell her what I want; if she really caredabout me she’d know and do it without my asking!”
This is expecting others to mindreadand gives the other personall the decision-making power. Others often don’t know what wewant because we haven’t asked for it.
Aggressiveness can be indirect because it often does not clearlycommunicate what someone is upset about or wants. Themessage the receiver often gets is not the one that the aggressiveperson is trying to send. The receiver often gets stuck on thismessage and then never figures out what the aggressor wants.
5 Qualities and Actions of Assertiveness
3.
HONESTYAssertive Honesty
Expressing yourself in ways that accurately represent your feelings, opinions, or preferences without putting down yourself or others in the process. It is not saying everything.
Nonassertive Honesty
Expressing yourself by cutting yourself down.
I.e. Job applicant when asked why they applied for the job, said,“This is the only job I heard about, so I applied.”
Nonassertive Dishonesty
Lying.
I.e. Saying you don’t mind chatting when really you’re tired.
Aggressive Honesty
Saying what you think without considering the effect.
I.e. “If I was as fat as you, I’d go on a diet.”
Aggressive Dishonesty
Using your anger to cover up less personally acceptablefeelings, such as hurt, worry, affection. This often happenswhen you are only aware of your immediate anger and not thesecondary feelings.
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