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How to get over a break up with a loved one!

Here are 7 practical steps to make the pain of dealing with a break up disappear as soon as possible. I’m hoping they’ll give

yousome ideas about

how to get over a break up

and turn surviving into flourishing in the quickest way.

A relationship not working out is rarely about blaming or there being anything wrong with either you or your partner. It's just that the two of you are not compatible

Remember this when going through the process. The only other significantreasons for break-ups are because of physical or emotional abuse. Virtually everything else is a compatibility issue.

You're not meant for each other

Sometimes the truth hurts

Whilst in the first couple of days you can feel a little numb there comes a time when it will hit you. Heartbreak is really, really painfuland I know that there are times when coping with a break up can feel over whelming. I also know that, while it may sound common

to you right now, time is a healer. Sometimes it’s enough just

to draw another breath or get out of bed again.

You need to know that you are far bigger than your biggest feeling and keep in mind that even your darkest hour is onlygoing to be 60 minutes in length.

That said I understand that right now it may well not feel that way. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and I wish you didn't have to dealwith it, but here we are. It's my hope that after reading this you won't feel quite so alone.I've worked with people that felt like surviving their heart break was impossible. They were unable to foresee a time when the painwould disappear. The truth is that it doesn't just disappear. The pain leaves you a little day by day, week by week and then monthby month. One day you'll wake up and realize you're having more good days than bad days and you know you're on the way tohealing your broken heart.Over the years I've learned a couple of tricks and techniques for having this process happen much more quickly and I'd like toshare them with you here.If you really are hurting in such a way that you wonder if you'll make it through the night, then please get help.Yes, it will still take time, but working through the steps will reduce the pain of your break up as much as possible as well asminimizing any long term damage.

1. Feel your Feelings

If you're already in the midst of dealing with a break up you're probably already doing this bit and are looking to move on, butfeeling your feelings is an essential part of the healing process.Some people really struggle with feeling certain feelings;

some of us are easier with anger, others with grief. I’d encourage you toexplore them all by writing a ‘Grief’ letter to your ‘Ex’. It’s important to know that you’ll never send this letter so you c

an reallyexplore every aspect of how you feel.

Take the time to explore what you are going to miss and what aren’t you going to miss. What are you angry about? What are you

sad about? What do you fear this break up means? What was your part in the break up? What are you always going to love or appreciate about your

‘Ex’?

Explore these questions in such a way that you can feel all the things you suspect may be true even if you’d rather they were

not.Write the letter as if you were writing it to someone who really cares about how you feel.

t’s really important that you take time to do this. At first it may not appear that this is the most critical step of coping

with a breakup, but every time you leave a relationship there is a danger that you will harden your heart due to the pain and disappointment.That hardening makes you less attractive and makes your life a lot less loving.Whilst coping with a break up it's possible that you've been making yourself promises like, 'That's it I'm never trusting another managain!' or 'That's the last time I date a blonde!', you know the kind of thing. Well over the years those kind of things begin to stickand people seem to get harder and just a little more bitter with each year that passes.I often work with people who are trying to find love but are so full of resentment, due to their past, that they are totally unattractive.It's much easier to feel and therefore heal feelings of pain and disappointment now than trying to clear them out years later.

If you do this properly you’ll be able to reconnect

with at least some of the love you felt for your partner. Not in a way that eats atyou, but in a way that nourishes your sense of life.Taking the time to write this letter will allow you to grieve and hopefully you'll be able to let go of some of the tears. Sometimes Iget the sense that a client is so busy holding back their sadness that they are drowning on the inside. Don't spend the rest of your life trying to stay numb; it's really not worth it. Admit it, getting your heart broken really hurts.If writing the grief letter doesn't help you get to your pain then put on a movie that touches you in a special way or listen to some of those 'special' songs. It will serve you to take the time to really feel your feelings.

If you’ve loved deeply once then

you can do it again. If you take the time to heal you will come out of a relationship evenmore able to love than you were when you entered it. Work to keep your heart healthy and open.2. Recognize the signal to move on

At some point - whether its days, weeks, months or even years- you'll get a sense that you're fed up with feeling bad. Maybe

there’s a growing frustration with yourself that you aren't moving on. Maybe you’re there right now and that's why you've com

elooking for break up adviceThe signal that you're ready to move on is not just when you start criticize yourself. Self hate is not what I'm talking about here. If you catch yourself saying things like 'You are so pathetic!', or 'Get over it loser, she left you.' then you're not ready to move on. It'sbad enough that your relationship ended. Don't make it worse by locking in more self hate.Go back to step one and take the time to work out what you're still angry or hurt about.So what's

the signal

you are looking for?Hopefully it's a voice full of love and compassion for you and your struggles. All you need to know is that this sense of frustrationwith yourself is a signal. The signal says that it's time to take the necessary steps to move on from the end of your relationship. Always this about this famous quote

“you don’t drown by falling into water, you drown by staying there!”

What do you do asa result of recognizing this signal? Just complete the remaining steps of this process.

3. Use your emotion to move you on

This is a fantastic method for using your emotions to move you forward. Define every core emotion as being a signal for action.This step is all about action and making the decision to move forward. So what are you really feeling? Most commonly after abreak up it will be hurt, inadequacy or loneliness. If one of these is your main emotion currently, here are the steps to take:

Hurt

- maybe as a result of your sense of loss.Get a sheet of paper and a pen now. Take 10 minutes and write down all the reasons you won't miss your partner. All the thingsthey did that annoyed you about them. All the things you would have changed about them if you could have done. All the thingsyou wanted from them that they couldn't or wouldn't give you. Keep the list and review it and add to it any time you get thosefeelings of hurt again. Try to think of at least 5 really big incidents during the relationship where you clearly knew it was

n’t working

for you. (You'll need this sheet later on in the process.)

Inadequacy

- Feeling unworthy.Get a sheet of paper. For 10 minutes write down all the things you appreciate or feel proud about yourself for. What would your friends say they like or love about you (you may actually even want to ask some of your close friends). What do your family loveabout you? What have you achieved in your life that you were proud of? Who do you know that loves you? Sometimes when we

feel low this can be hard to do. If you’re struggling with this and there’s nothing you feel good about then ask yourself ‘ I

f you couldfeel go

od about just one thing what would it be?’ Then ask yourself that question again as many times as you can. Trust me

- youare bigger and better than you think, you are a miracle in progress!

Loneliness

- You need to connect with someone.This is an important part of the process anyway even if you aren't feeling lonely. Stay in contact with and go out with as many of

your friends as you can. It’s important that you do this ahead of time rather than just waiting for the weekend to happen to

you.Trying to rea

ch out when you’re miserable is really hard and you can end up getting caught in a spiral. Being single is a luxury that

you could easily miss. This serves to remind you that you still have lots of people to connect with in life and it also helps your mindto focus on some fun things.

4. Rid your environment of remindersWhat you focus on you is what you feel. If you spend your time thinking about the loss of your partner - guess what? You'll feel miserable. That's why, once you've dealt with the real signals that the emotions give you, you must do as muchas you can to focus your mind on things that please you.

Take the practical steps necessary to remove the reminders of your ex. from your environment. They will only act as triggers tothink about him or her. Instead, when you see a reminder, use it as a trigger to get rid of that reminder - IMMEDIATELY!. Deletethe telephone number, remove the pictures, store the presents. I'm not asking you to destroy them, just put them where you won'tsee them on a day to day basis.

I know this may feel harsh given they were such a part of your life for so long but it makes a hugedifference. Make a deal with yourself that if you are really missing them, and feel the need to re-connect,you can pull out an old photo or that old T-shirt. Take the time to go back and feel sad for a while or writeabout how much you hate them in that moment and then get back to your new life. Out of sight, out of mind.

5. Do fun things!

As I said above, what you focus on you will feel. So generate yourself a list of things you like or love to do. Yes, again, you

must

write them down. So when you're next focusing on things that are making you feel sad, you can run for the list, pick something off itand go do it. It's the best way to speed up the process of moving on. You'll be amazed at how this works to change your mood.Keep adding to your list... listen to loud music, dance around the room, sing your favorite fun song, watch your favorite film onvideo, go for a run or call a friend. You know the kind of things I mean. The simple, easy and quick to do ones are the best.