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Cavalcade of Schlock Writing SamplerCavalcade Event 1: Zombies
Posted on 05 October 2008
The Setup
 To kick off the Cavalcade “Year of the Creature Feature”, we wanted togo in a direction that was both classic and contemporary. Seeing ashow the Zombie flick has been making such a comeback in recentyears, it seemed the natural choice. Besides, what’s a party without alittle Cannibalism?Zombies are a tragically misunderstood species. After all, they’re onlyhungry and trying to feed themselves, right? Unfortunately, thenutritionist’s food pyramid for zombies was too late to save theafflicted of the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s, but there’s hope for the new breedof zombie of the 21’st century. Which brings me to the age-oldquestion, which zombie do you favor?
The “Romero” Zombie
(Night of the Living Dead series, Zombie, Plan 9 from Outer Space, and I Walked with a Zombie)
 These are the traditional slow-moving decayed zombie that somehowmanages to sneak up on even the most vigilant survivor, even thoughit shuffles along at a snail’s pace while constantly moaning, groaning,and crying for “braaaains”. Even though this breed of zombie wasaround long before
George Romero
made his landmark films, theytraditionally carry his namesake. Kind of them, really.In all of these cases, the Zombie is the reanimated corpse of apreviously immobile dead person.
The “Modern” Zombie
(Dawn of the Dead remake, Return of the Living Dead,Resident Evil film series, 28 Days Later)
 These zombies have a bit more “un” in their undead bodies. Able totalk, yell, howl, and coordinate attacks, they are much more efficientkillers, especially given their most notable difference: They can run. That’s not all either. They can climb fences, jump over holes, and, inthe case of 
Resident Evil
, mutate into monsters.
 
While some of these zombies used to be relatively peace-loving deadbodies, what has started to become a common theme in several of these pictures is the biologically infected living human. Whiletechnically not a zombie, they still have a mad-craving for flesh andare incurable, so it’s still a good idea to handle them roughly the sameway: a shotgun to the face. Fire’s always good too, but then you runthe risk of a walking formerly-human torch. Not good for propertyvalues, and I’m fairly certain it’s not covered by homeowner’sinsurance.
The Formula
Now, with the recent resurgence and reinvention of the zombie pic,there have been numerous variations to the old standbys of the genre.But the more they change, the more they stay the same.
The settingis going to be post-apocalyptic and barren.
Being flesh-eatingambulatory corpses, zombies aren’t really big on housekeeping, as itgets in the way of their hobby. This also helps with the budgetconsiderations that most of these movies are dealing with. Nothingsays DOOM like empty streets filled with trash or a broken down oldcabin in the middle of nowhere.
Next up, the ending.
I’m not spoiling anything by saying they aren’tusually chipper. For some reason, grandmothers eating the brains of their little bubbies brings out the depressed side of a screenwriter’spersonality, so everybody’s gotta’ die. Either through a self-inflicted-so-you-can’t-eat-my-face gun shot (or nuclear device), or the afore-mentioned face eating, don’t go hoping for your favorite protagonist tomake it out alive. If they do, don’t count on them having all their bodyparts.
Finally: Gore.
Buckets of Gore. We’re not talking about blood squirtsand splatter here, though that’s in full effect as well. We’re talkingabout bone-protruding, flesh flying, chunky monkey heaps gore. I’msure somewhere somebody wrote a family movie with bone-knawing,brain-slurping, flesh-guzzling undead sacks of hunger, but I haven’tseen it. These are not movies one watches when one has the stomachflu, a hangover, or any sort of bowel disruption. Only Gorehounds needapply. This seems to be the perfect time to segue into the menu for theevening!
The Menu
The Booze: Zombies, Rogue Ales’ Dead Guy Ale
 
Be careful with the Zombies, kids. They pack a strong kick. After a fewof ‘em, you might be the one stumbling around asking for brains.
The Snacks: Lady Fingers
 The point of the menu is to make it easy to throw together for agathering. But if you want to go all out, throw in some steak tartare.Nothing says flesh-eating zombie more than… well, eating the rawflesh of an animal. Hell, have some sushi too, while we’re at it.
The Movies
 There’s a wide array of films to choose from, enough so that you couldhave a zombie meeting every day for a month and still not even comeclose to scratching the surface. So when we put together our list, wedecided to stay away from the obvious choices of the Romero series.Since we weren’t entirely sure of the intestinal fortitude of our guests,we stayed away from the ultra-gory Italian pictures too. Your mileagemay vary.
Our lineup:Return of the Living Dead (1985):
This marks the beginning
other 
official “Living Dead” franchise, and is very loosely based on the
Return of the Living Dead
novel by
 John Russo
, co-creator of theoriginal
Night of the Living Dead
. More comical than its predecessor,this film features a wonderfully cheesy 80’s soundtrack and some nifty(if dated) effects. It’s perfect for this kind of gathering.
28 Days Later (2002):
 
Danny O’Boyle
’s take on the Zombie genre,with no “actual” zombies. Part of the new wave of zombie movies, thisfilm features biologically infected humans who are coming down with araging case of the flu. Or is that a serious case of Rage flu? Anyway,great cinematography and editing combine with nifty performances tomake this one a crowd pleaser AND a quality flick. Don’t get used to it,we don’t do good movies often.
Braindead (1992):
Before he got all famous with the
Lord of theRings
,
Peter Jackson
made a quirky little family comedy called
Braindead
(
Dead Alive
here in the U.S.). While this is a seriously gorypicture, it’s also funny as hell. Besides, when a movie features alawnmower wielding maniac, and he’s the
hero
-who are we to judge?
Suggested Alternatives
The Evil Dead I and II: Sam Raimi
’s hyper-kinetic take on the“monsters in the woods”. Bit of a zombie picture mixed with ghosts,
of 00

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