Look, I know how important it is to talk the talk on climate change, and if that’s the gamehere, I’m down. But I’m starting to think you are serious, and setting me up for failure.Before I ran for head of government, I said things like “
the so-called greenhouse gas phenomenon
” and referred to addressing climate change as the “
biggest black-holeboondoggle in Canadian history
.” And yes, I actually argued that “
carbon dioxide is not a pollutant.
” But that was
I had to convince Canada (and now the U.S., thank youvery much) that we wanted to be responsible about climate change! I mean, there is noway your State Department or EPA was going to ever believe I could actually offset 24million metric tons of carbon pollution from the Keystone XL pipeline if I kept prattlingon like Michelle Bachman at a Lyndon LaRouche revival. And I certainly wouldn’t beP.M. today.So Mr. President, if we’re going to do this thing, here’s what I need:
Overlook the past record of climate denial from me, and my Minister of NaturalResources.
(If you think MY past quotes are out there, you should really check outJoe Oliver’s greatest hits! He makes Jim Inhofe look like Bernie Sanders!)
Ignore that we are about to completely obliterate our carbon reduction goal.
Iknow we agreed in Copenhagen to
emissions by 17% below 2005 levels by2020, but I didn’t think you would
that! Think of it as a gift to the U.S. — if Canada misses its climate goal, you walk away looking like the North Americanclimate hero. You’re welcome.
Stop saying “significant carbon impact” as the test for KXL — or maybe fixyour talking points on your own accomplishments.
So your heavy truck rule was areally big deal. 27 million metric tons or carbon pollution saved with those fuel-economy standards. Huge! But this pipeline alone would increase carbon pollution by24 million metric tons … every year. And that’s just calculating how much worse thisstuff is to extract than conventional oil … between you and me the whole thingactually creates 182 million metric tons of carbon pollution a year. Yowzers. See mydilemma? So let me offer a tweak: just say, “
you guys, I don’t really don’t care about carbon pollution”
… or maybe just downplay that trucks rule and the other accomplishments as no big dealie-o. I know it’s not your style, but I’m
goodat doing personal 180s and rewriting history, so I’m happy to help.
Pretend tar sands expansion is a sure thing, and won’t destroy the planet.
Justignore that we’ve been calling KXL the key to unlocking tar sands (we didn’t meanit, wink!) and pretend like it’s inevitable and that KXL won’t accelerate the production of the dirtiest fuel on the planet, stuff that is more than
asenergy intensive to produce as regular Texas Tea. And if it means more beachfront property and a longer summer, well then sign me up!
IMPORTANT!) Act like Canada can totally offset any carbon pollution.
“Scientists” and “experts” (they are so annoying!) say we need 40 carbon capturingsites to offset carbon pollution from the Keystone Pipeline. Sure, we have no plans to