Only 10% in this model is time spent in empathy. Empathy is the rare event where one personactually feels the emotions, problems and perspective of another person. Instead of asking whatJulie thinks of me, I ask what is Julie thinking.Within that 10%, most people then divide attention between hundreds of other people they know.As a result, you would occupy a fraction of a percentage in most peoples minds, and only acouple percentage points in a deeply bonded relationship. Even if you are in another personsthoughts, it is how your relationship affects them, not you.
What does this mean?
Embarrassment doesn’t make a lot of sense. Since others are only focusing a smallportion of there thoughts onto judging you, your self-judgement is overwhelminglylarger.
People who appear to be mean or hurtful don’t usually do it intentionally. There areexceptions to this, but generally the hurt you feel is a side-effect, not the principle cause.
Relationships are your job to maintain. Don’t wait to be invited to parties or for people toapproach you.
Rule Two: Few Social Behaviors are Explicit
Basically this rule means that most the intentions behind our actions are hidden. If a person isfeeling depressed or angry, usually the resulting behaviors distort their true feelings. If I feel yousnubbed me, I might hold my tongue but ignore you later.The old joke is that women use words like, “fine,” and, “go ahead,” when they really feel theopposite. But I’ve noticed men do this too in polite situations, although often not in the sameway.The application of this rule is that you need to focus on empathy, not just hearing a person.Demonstrate trust, build rapport and learn to probe a bit. By focusing on empathy you canusually break away these subversions and get to the heart of the issue faster.The other application of this rule is that most the time you feel something, nobody else knowsabout it. So don’t get angry when people aren’t responding to you. If you deceive your thoughtswith your actions, don’t get angry when you fool people.
Rule Three: Behavior is Largely Dictated by Selfish Altruism
To say everyone is completely selfish is a gross exaggeration. That ignores all the acts of kindness, sacrifice and love that make the world work. But I would argue that most (not all, butmost) behavior does work from the principles of selfish altruism.Selfish altruism is basically win/win. It is where helping you directly or indirectly helps me.There are a couple main categories where this applies: