Chapter 1:Why Talk about Death and Bereavement?

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”—Psalm 23:4, KJV

“We think that he needs more morphine. Could you come tothe room?” I said as I hurried to the nurse’s assistant on duty at thehospice. My father, unable to speak anymore, was communicatinghis pain to us through moaning. He tried to speak while lying in hishospice bed. The nurse’s assistant came into the room and hurriedout to get the Registered Nurse on duty.The nurse came in, and observing his labored breathing statedabruptly, “You need to say your good-byes right now!”My mom, my husband and I jumped to our feet in dumb-founded shock. “Right now? But he seemed fine yesterday,” wequestioned quickly. My brother, Kevin, was driving back to thehospice but was not there yet. Would we have more time?In hurried desperation, we touched him, held his hand and allsaid, “We love you; we will miss you.”My mom pleaded, “Wait for Kevin; he’s almost here.”

Kimberly Rose Carolan

Tears flooded our weary eyes while we bleated out, “I loveyou.” He opened his eyes, closed them and breathed his last. — Have you ever been the loved one saying good-bye like wewere on my dad’s last day on earth? Is it possible that this memoryhangs in the heart of someone near you? Perhaps the young widowin church has a similar story. Perhaps the young couple who losttheir child can relate. All of us, whether or not we like to admit it,are or will be affected by death. We have either lost a loved one,will lose a loved one in our lifetime, or know people around us suf-fering the pain of losing someone dear.There is a great need in our culture to talk about death. Morespecifically, the process after death called grief. It should not besimply referred to as grief. Grief demands a time period from thedate of their loved one’s death to an undefined point in the future. Iam talking about anyone who has lost a loved one whether or notthe grief process is accomplished. Grief usually takes two years— but it could be extended. H. Norman Wright, a Christian counselor who specializes in grief states:Untimely or sudden deaths, the age of the person, the vio-lence of the death, how you heard about the death, or whether you saw it firsthand will intensify the length of re-covery. If the death was traumatic for you, the recoverycould extend for several years.

So “normal grief” can be anywhere from two years from thedate of death to several years later. There are people all aroundwalking through this “valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4).Even more so, these people who have lost have that loss forever.Even when the “grief process” is “over,” these people no longer have their father, mother, spouse, child, friend or sibling. They cannever talk to this person in this life again. And, the number whoenter into the world of death, grief and life without their loved onewill only increase.

Walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death17

According to the National Center for Health Statistics there areroughly 2,398,343 deaths in the United States every year (2004findings).

The current US population is around 300 million(302,923,496 people as of September 20, 2007), according to theUS Census.

So roughly 0.79% of Americans die every year.While that is a small percentage there is a real impact in terms of people left behind. This is a yearly number—that means a similar amount of people die every year adding to the impact of deathamong us.Looking at the US deaths per year, this means that if everyonehad at least five relatives or friends who cared about them, roughly11,991,715 people will lose someone they love every year in theStates! Within five years, this number increases to 59,958,575 people who survive a loved one’s death. While some will repeatlosing a loved one, many others will be acquainted with death for the first time. Within a little over 25 years, all things being con-stant, everyone in the US population will survive a death! Of course, not all things will be held constant. But this illustrates thatmost people, if they live long enough, will survive the death of a parent, sibling, spouse or child. As the church body, we need to beready to bring comfort and support to everyone who has lostsomeone significant in their life.The current “death rate” of about 817 to 100,000 people is arecord low.

While this is not a lot of deaths in terms of worldstandards, death’s impact still reaches far. Assume again that eve-ryone has at least five people who will be greatly affected by their death. Then every year about 4,000 people per 100,000 will sur-vive someone who was significant to them. The current life expec-tancy is 77.9 years.

If the death rate remains somewhat the same per year and everyone has about five people who will be greatlyaffected by their death, then each of us who lives the standard lifeexpectancy will survive three to four significant deaths in our life-time! That means that you, reader, will likely lose two parents, aspouse and maybe a child, unless you die first. Dear Christian, thatmeans that you need to be ready to care about people around youwho will lose significant relationships due to death. As an author said, “To love is to risk losing.”