1

HOLLYWOOD HILLS

By Raymond Wood and Mike Shapiro

Copyright1981 by Mike Shapiro. Copyright Revised 2002. All rights reserved.

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that HOLLYWOOD HILLS is
subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of
America and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the
Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), the Berne Convention,
the Pan American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, as
well as all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All
rights, including professional/amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing,
public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms
of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, information storage
and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign
languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is laid upon the matter of public
readings, permission for which must be secured from the Author's agent in writing.
 2

ACT ONE

Time: An evening in November, 1970.

Place: The Hollywood Hills Home of Frederick Templeton

Houselights go down. Over the speaker system of the theater there is a fully orchestrated
version of "California, Here I Come.” This fades into the sound of a hard, driving rain.
Lights up dimly onstage. This is the living room and foyer of FREDERICK
TEMPLETON’S Hollywood Hills Mansion. It is large and the decor is Spanish Stucco.
The furniture is quite elegant but should have the look of being old but well cared for.
However, the atmosphere should NOT be overly "spooky." Sofas and easy chairs abound.
There is a large oak desk with a throne-like chair behind it. Scattered throughout the set
are framed photos of various men and women. S.R. and S.L. there are large curtained
windows. An oil portrait of FREDERICK TEMPLETON as a young man, in the white
uniform of the Russian Imperial Army is prominent. In the portrait, he holds in his hand
a small golden globe, encrusted with precious stones. There is also a rather grand
staircase leading to an upper story, with a dark inner-above landing at the top. There is
a door leading to the outside S.R. as well as a door leading to the kitchen S.L.
From offstage we hear the sound of muffled voices and laughter.

After a moment, the outside door opens and we see the backlit figure of FREDERICK
TEMPLETON. He is, at age seventy, a dignified but spry presence.

TEMPLETON

Enter Don Eduardo! There is a splash of light. (HE flicks the light switch. Lights
come up full and bright) Our ears are filled with the sounds of a thousand
castanets. Off...off in the distance there is a symphony of soft guitars. The fiery
Eduardo strides to the center of the room and

(HE sings)

THE GAUCHO FOLLIES OF 1932.

FOR ME AND YOU
SEE SUCH PEPITAS AND SUCH ROSITAS
SUCH SENIORITAS TO CATCH YOUR EYE
(forgetting lyrics) DUM DUM DE DUM.... DUM DUM DE DUM DUM
AND BRING THE BULLS ON
PERHAPS TODAY WE DIE
 3

(TEMPLETON erupts into laughter and calls out the door)

Come in, come in. Don't stand in the rain like that. My God, you'll catch your
death of cold.

(Enter CHOCOLATE. Pronounced Choc-oh-LAH-tay. She is Black-Hispanic. She is also

very large - not fat - and very male. She is not unattractive, but is obviously a man
attempting to be a woman. She is dressed in hot pants, high mini-skirt boots and a fake
satin blouse. She is followed closely by BLANE. BLANE is shorter than CHOCOLATE, in
his late teens, with light haired, all-American looks. He is pretty rather than really
handsome - a fact which disturbs him as he sees himself as quite tough. HE stands there
for a moment, scowling, then wipes his feet on the doormat and enters)

CHOCOLATE

(She speaks with a fairly heavy Spanish/Broken English dialect)

Well, brava, darling, brava.

TEMPLETON

Oh, did you like it? That was from "The Gaucho Follies of 1932." My one
musical.

CHOCOLATE

Wonderful, darling. Was it a hit?

TEMPLETON

I said it was my one musical, didn't I?

(They both laugh, as does BLANE a moment or so later)

TEMPLETON

(As he counts change from his coat pocket onto the desk)

Why, I believe that cab driver short changed me.

CHOCOLATE

Really, darling?
 4

TEMPLETON

I do. Let's see. The fare was ten dollars even, and I gave him a two dollar tip. I
paid with a twenty. I should have eight dollars change and I only have five -- all
ones. Unless I…

(TEMPLETON goes through the rest of his pockets, emptying them on the desk as he
goes. The contents include keys, some small change, and what appears to be a solid gold
cigarette case. HE sets all of it down on the desk)

Well, how do you like that? Gypped out of three dollars. Of all the nerve. I knew
I should have taken the car, even with all this rain. Serves me right.

CHOCOLATE

Is too bad, darling.

(Pause as TEMPLETON continues his searching)

This place....she really is a mansion. Can't even see the street from the door --
that's what I call elegant, honey.

TEMPLETON

(pauses)

I really am being terribly petty, aren't I? Forgive me. Here, let me take your coat.

(CHOCOLATE removes her coat to reveal her hot-pants and knee high, high heeled
boots outfit in all its glory. For a moment, TEMPLETON just stares)

CHOCOLATE

Is something wrong, darling?

TEMPLETON

No...not at all. It's just that it was so dark in the bar, I didn't really catch the full
effect of the… ensemble. It's striking.

CHOCOLATE

You likes it? I picks most of it up at Frederick's... except the boots. I gets them
from Kinney's.
 5

TEMPLETON

Two of Hollywood's oldest and most respected stores.

CHOCOLATE

Thank you, darling.

TEMPLETON
(to BLANE)
You come in, too. Let me take that jacket. I'll put both over here by the heater
and they'll be dry in no time. Certainly is wet out there, isn't it?

BLANE

This rain is too god damned much. Over a month I been in "sunny California."
Done nothin' but rain since the day I got here.

CHOCOLATE

What you want, darling? Is the rainy season. She always rains in the rainy season.
Is why they calls it the rainy season. Some girls gets bright little boys, I gets
Blane. Ho-hum.

BLANE

Knock it off, Chocolate.

TEMPLETON
Chocolate. Such a vivid name.

CHOCOLATE

Is me. Chocolate. So sweet.

TEMPLETON

Yes, it's very appropriate. But what's your real name?

CHOCOLATE
 6

Who cares? You know, Mr. Templeton, I been dying to see this place. I heards so
much about it?

TEMPLETON
Really? From whom?

CHOCOLATE

Oh, from Joey.

(a blank look from TEMPLETON)

You knows ... Joey ... from down at the bar.

TEMPLETON

Oh, yes, Joey. . .the young musician fellow with the long blond hair. Tell me, did
his girlfriend have her baby yet?

CHOCOLATE

WHAT!!?

TEMPLETON

His girlfriend. He told me he had a pregnant girlfriend.

CHOCOLATE

Not while there's a man left alive, honey.

TEMPLETON

But I don't understand.

CHOCOLATE

Honey, them boys always pretends they has girlfriends. Sometimes they even
pretends to each other. But they don't. Is all made up all the time.

BLANE

Not all the time.

 7

CHOCOLATE

(ignoring him)

Darling, I just can'ts gets over this room. Looks just like set from an old movie.

(At this point, CHOCOLATE spots an Academy Award Statuette on the mantle. She is
thrilled nearly speechless, but is determined not to be so "unladylike" as to ask a direct
question about it. Throughout the next scene She is often distracted in her answers as she
tries to get closer to it to touch it)

TEMPLETON

Yes, I suppose it does. Well, it was all the fashion at the time, you know.

CHOCOLATE

Must be nice to live you whole life like this.

TEMPLETON

Hardly my whole life. It wasn't until the late twenties that I started getting really
choice roles.

CHOCOLATE

Really? What you do in movies before that?

TEMPLETON

Mostly wipe custard from my face, I'm afraid. Until "Sinners Go Forth" my
career was well...undistinguished. Even then I couldn't believe that I would
continue to get starring roles.

CHOCOLATE

(Moving closer to that Oscar)

But you did, didn't you darling?

TEMPLETON
And no one was more surprised than I. So I finally took the plunge and bought
this place brand new in 1931.
 8

CHOCOLATE

(Barely able to keep HER mind on the conversation)

Really....?

BLANE

(to CHOCOLATE)

Are you all right?

CHOCOLATE

(to BLANE)

Basta!

(recovering)

Uhhh....I don'ts think I ever seen "Sinners on The Porch."

TEMPLETON

"Sinners Go Forth."

CHOCOLATE

Of course, darling. I loves old movies. Especially silent ones. I goes to the
Silent Cinema on Sunset all the time.

TEMPLETON
Really? How wonderful. Well, I'm surprised you didn't see it. It was there just this
past October.

BLANE

You mean they still show your old movies?

TEMPLETON

At the Silent Cinema sometimes. That month they ran several of them, one night
after another..."Sinners Go Forth," "The Great Deception," "Paris Holiday,"
"Love's Secret Heart," "Woman of The World," "The Just and The Forgotten …..
 9

BLANE
Pretty corny titles

TEMPLETON
(chuckles)

They are, aren't they? But, it certainly brought back a lot of memories. In fact, for
"The Just and The Forgotten," I ……

CHOCOLATE

Won the Academy Award!! (No longer able to control herself, she seizes the
Award) Right?

TEMPLETON

Oh, no. Emil Jannings won that year for….

(TEMPLETON turns to CHOCOLATE. SHE is off in a dream world)

CHOCOLATE

I wants to thank the members of the Academy and everyone who made "Song of
The Blessed Virgin" possible.

TEMPLETON

My dear....

CHOCOLATE
And I wants to thank all the little people who…

(TEMPLETON gently takes the Oscar from her)

TEMPLETON

I'm delighted that you admire this little...statue, my dear, and please don't think it
rude of me, but it really is considered very bad luck to handle someone else's
Oscar. And I must admit that I'm rather a superstitious old goat in....too many
ways.

(TEMPLETON replaces the Award on the mantle)

 10

CHOCOLATE

Oh, I'm very sorry, darling. I just gots...carried away, I guess.

BLANE

So what else is new?

(to TEMPLETON)
Is that really your Oscar?

TEMPLETON

It belongs to me, yes.

CHOCOLATE

Dids you win it for…

TEMPLETON

My goodness. All of this old movie business really fascinates you, doesn't it?

CHOCOLATE

Oh, I loves those movies, darling. Such beautiful clothes and sets. And such
gorgeous men. And real love stories, darling.

TEMPLETON

Yes indeed, real love stories.

CHOCOLATE

Nots likes today. Nothin' buts ugly naked peoples in the movies and garbage on
television.

BLANE

It ain't all garbage. "The Mod Squad" ain't garbage. I think it's good.

CHOCOLATE

That's nice, darling.

BLANE

Specially that guy, Pete.

 11

TEMPLETON

Oh, yes. A rather rugged, monosyllabic sort, isn't he?

BLANE
I just think he's cool, that's all. I mean, he knows how to take care of himself.
And he gets lots of chicks.

CHOCOLATE
Can it, darling.

TEMPLETON

Now, now. Everyone's taste is different. It's what makes the world go round. (to
BLANE) Why don't you come over here and sit next to me? I feel like we're
leaving you out of this conversation.
BLANE

I'm okay where I am.

CHOCOLATE
Come on, Blane, honey. Remember you manners.

(to TEMPLETON)

He a little shy sometimes, honey. Come on. Do like Chocolate ask.

(BLANE moves to TEMPLETON and sits)

TEMPLETON

So, you enjoy "The Mod Squad."

BLANE

Yeah. And "Bonanza." That's real good too.

TEMPLETON

You watch a lot of television?

BLANE
I used to. Me and Chocolate....we don't have a T.V.
 12

CHOCOLATE
You should see him at night sometimes, Honey. Paces up and down room like
junkie on cold turkey. Last week TV at the bar was broken for two days. I
thoughts he was gonna go through the roof. When repairman finally gets there this
one acts like is second coming of Christ!

BLANE
All right, all right. So I like TV, so what?

(looking around the room, then to Templeton)

You even got a TV?

TEMPLETON
Would you care to watch television?

BLANE
I was just asking.

(pointedly, so Chocolate can hear him)

Just making conversation.

CHOCOLATE
Goods darling.

TEMPLETON
As a matter of fact I do have a television, a portable, one of those new small color
ones. It’s upstairs in the bedroom on my nightstand. I have to admit that I’m not
much of a viewer though. I prefer my entertainment to be more, intimate.

BLANE
(ignoring the last)

I saw one of those at Sears.

(to Chocolate)

They’re small enough so you could carry it around in one arm.

CHOCOLATE
That nice dear.

BLANE
(to Templeton)
 13

You get it at Sears? Bet it cost a bundle.

TEMPLETON
I was given it in appreciation for my work on a television show.

CHOCOLATE
You was on TV show? Which one?

TEMPLETON
Laugh-In.

BLANE
You were on Laugh-In?

CHOCOLATE
I thought you saids you hasn’t done nothing in years?

TEMPLETON
Well technically I suppose you could say I still haven’t done anything. The
Laugh-In people wanted a group of silent film stars to do some of their old movie
bits for an episode. Somehow or another they were able to round up a bunch of us
that were still alive, not that there were many. I suppose that’s why they came to
me. I was never much of a comedian, but I was still alive. Oh we had such a
marvelous time. We mugged and we preened and we acted like old fools. It was
heaven. And the production people could not have been nicer. Every bit ended
with thunderous applause from them, I imagine because they were shocked we
got through it with our lives intact. Well, most of us. One of my comrades took a
particularly nasty slip that knocked him out cold for several minutes. Frankly
even I was concerned about him, I mean he looked so awful when he walked on
the set and then he took that fall. But I should have known better. When he finally
woke up he asked a young script girl why she hadn’t given him mouth to mouth.

CHOCOLATE
Must have been nice to see you self on TV.

TEMPLETON
Ah, well, no, unfortunately as much as the producers wanted to use the material
the network didn’t like it. They said a bunch of old fogies running around a
soundstage just wouldn’t play to a younger audience. And as they say, youth must
be served, so they cut the bits. Oh the producers were terribly upset about it,
vowed they’d do everything they could to get the material used, but alas nothing
ever came of it. I suppose as a way of making it up, they sent each of us that new
television set. I thought it was (pause) most generous of them.
 14

BLANE
Is it one of those little RCA jobs? Those are really cool.

CHOCOLATE

(Fast.)

You know, Mr. Templeton, I have this friend, Terry, who works at the Hollywood
Postermat.. And sometimes he lets me in the back after they closes to see all the
really classic fan magazines. You knows the ones they sells for five dollars. If I
seen your picture once, I seen it ten thousand times --"Frederick Templeton, The
Handsomest Man in Hollywood Today." What a star.

TEMPLETON

Well... those fan magazines did tend to over glorify a bit.

CHOCOLATE

And oh so many pictures of Lillian Trimble.

(Chocolate quickly catches herself.)

Oh, Mr. Templeton, I'm sorry. Did I ruin the party?

TEMPLETON

No, no. Of course not.

CHOCOLATE

I just thought that with her funeral this morning and everything...

TEMPLETON

Please don't give it another thought. Not everyone is so lucky. Look at that poor
Sharon Tate girl. Only twenty-six. So tragic.

CHOCOLATE
Ain’t it? I hopes they takes them Manson freaks and pulls they eyes out.

TEMPLETON
Now, we’re not sure they did it. The trial isn’t over yet you know.

CHOCOLATE
 15

Oh, they’s guilty all right. I know that crazy Manson from years ago on the strip. I
always said he was gonna do something like this. One time I gets right up next to
him and looks in his eyes, there is nothing there, just black, just evil.
(she pretends to spit, as if to ward off “the evil eye”)

Oh yeah, they’s guilty all right.

TEMPLETON
Well, if they are, they should be marched into the gas chamber one by one. (To
Blane) What do you think?

BLANE
I think this is all kinda morbid, that’s what I think.

TEMPLETON
Oh, I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m very sorry.

CHOCOLATE
Oh she very sensitive, darling. Can’t you tell?

BLANE
HE, Chocolate, HE!

TEMPLETON
(As he picks up Lillian's picture from the desk.)

Look. My favorite photograph of her.

CHOCOLATE
(Taking it to read the inscription.)

"To Freddie with oodles of love and fun from your greatest fan....

TEMPLETON
And that she was.

(He chuckles.)

"...oodles of love and fun." So what Lillian would want us to do is just what we're
doing. We'll have a few drinks, and get to know each other. And have a wonderful
party.

CHOCOLATE
You knew her a long time, didn't you, darling?
 16

TEMPLETON
Forty-six years.

CHOCOLATE
Oh, honey.

TEMPLETON
She was my leading lady in five pictures. And "Sinners Go Forth" was the very
first one so you be sure and see it when it comes around again.

CHOCOLATE
I promise. And when Chocolate makes a promise, she keeps it. But you sure it
not bother you to talk about her?

TEMPLETON
Lillian lived a very long and..... boisterous life. My, My, how she loved parties.
Do you know that she could do a Charleston on a table no bigger than
that...(indicates small end table)...blind drunk? And did, several times as I recall.
Champagne by the magnum and lovers by the dozens, that was Lillian. It's still
hard to believe that she's…
CHOCOLATE
She was sick long, honey?

TEMPLETON
Only about a month. I visited her in the hospital every day. Cancer, you know.
Terrible.

CHOCOLATE
Ah, yes....

TEMPLETON
(picking up a paper from the desk)

Lovely obituary, though, right here in the front page of the Times couched
between the Manson trial and the bombing of Hanoi. "Lillian Trimble, reigning
film beauty of the silent era died yesterday in the Beverly Glen nursing home after
a short illness. A household word in the roaring 20's, Miss Trimble starred in over
thirty-five films, before segueing into a long career playing society matrons
etcetera, etcetera. My, my, my, every time I look at this, I …

(quickly)

Enough of this. It occurs to me that I haven't offered you any refreshments at all.
Any preferences? I have vodka, gin, some rye....
 17

BLANE
You got any grass?

TEMPLETON
I'm afraid I don't indulge.

BLANE
Too bad. You ought to try it some time.

TEMPLETON
I have. About thirty years before you were born. Now, let's see…I also
have…WAIT! I have something very special. A delightful rare scotch as smooth
as the morning dew. Would you like that?
CHOCOLATE

Yes, darling, I'm sure we'd love that.

TEMPLETON

Wonderful. I have it upstairs. I don't serve it to just anyone, you know...only to

very special friends.

(TEMPLETON starts up the stairs)

Brrr… such a chill in this house sometimes. Do you know that forty years ago I
used to go swimming in the ocean at five in the morning and think nothing of it?
Ah, well, time and tide, as they say. You two just amuse yourselves for a few
minutes. Look around if you'd like.

(TEMPLETON exits up the stairs. Unbeknownst to CHOCOLATE and BLANE, he halts

in the shadows on the upper landing and observes for a few moments.)

CHOCOLATE

Woulds you look at this place? This... this is elegant, honey. They don't makes
'em like this no more. I heard he's a real good trick, too. Pays just what you asks
for... sometimes more.

(BLANE has gone to the desk, pocketed the change and gold cigarette case, and begins
tugging on the desk drawer. CHOCOLATE does not notice this until she hears him
tugging on the drawer)

CHOCOLATE

What you think you doing?

 18

BLANE
Trying to get this goddamned drawer open. I'll bet he's got somethin' in here. It's
locked.

CHOCOLATE

What it matter? You ain't takin' nothin'.

(snaps her fingers and holds out her hand)

Nothin'. Come on, hand it over...now.'

(a moment of silence while they stare at each other. BLANE grudgingly hands the "loot"
over. TEMPLETON, at the top of the stairs, takes this in and disappears into the upstairs
rooms. CHOCOLATE slaps BLANE's hand)

CHOCOLATE
Idiota.' That man is a regular. How many times I gots to tell you no take from
regulars. You winds up fuckin’ yourself good.

BLANE
What regular? This is the first time I ever been with him.

CHOCOLATE
At the bar honey, at the bar. He in there all the time.

BLANE
I never seen him in there before tonight.

CHOCOLATE
That’s cause you never take yous eyes off that TV. He takes home every boy in
that bar at least once, and each one he take home come back with good money. If
you steals from him you is gonna fucks youself but good. You know that pendejo
Nick? You no see him in the bar no more do you? That cause he fuck up with
client and bartender throw him out. These old johns is very hip, honey.

(BLANE starts to interject)

Whether you likes it or not, they is. They knows some boys likes to steal, so they
leaves a little egg money layin’ around just to test you out. And if that egg money
is gone when he comes down, you is out the door with nothin’.

BLANE

Don't start lecturin' me

 19

CHOCOLATE
Then you does what I says cause if word gets out at the bar that you is clippin' a
regular, then bartender throws you out and that's that. You is in the gutter.

BLANE
That asshole down at the front desk wants seventy five bucks for the rent
tomorrow and I'm only gonna get fifty from this old freak.

CHOCOLATE

Listen, he gots reputation for bein' real generous. He gave Joey twenty five dollar
bonus... just like that.

BLANE

Yeah, but fuckin' Joey don't care what he has to do to get it.

CHOCOLATE

So dumb you is. So pretty, but so dumb.

BLANE
Okay, just stop right now. I don't want to hear it for the thousandth...

CHOCOLATE

I gots a right to says what I wants. You think it a big thrill for me to supports the
both of us on one lousy welfare check when you coulds be up in Beverly Hills
every night with big, rich producers and….

BLANE

I said don’t start in.

CHOCOLATE

In six months we coulds have enough to split to Mexico. You coulds open that
tough, butch joint you is always braggin' about. And I coulds get that operation
and really be a whole woman. But no, you can'ts play the game even a little, even
when it could means everything.

BLANE

First of all I can’t go waitin' around no six months. If I get caught…

 20

CHOCOLATE
Oh, stop it. Nobody is gonna find you if you keeps you nose clean. You is just
makin' an excuse.

BLANE

And second of all I hate this. I'm a man and I ain't gonna put up with it much
longer. Jesus.' Two months ago I didn't even know this kinda shit happened. And
now every goddamed night I gotta go out and try to find some old fruit so he
can….

CHOCOLATE

Okay, Okay. You is gettin' youself all worked up already.

BLANE

I tell you one of these nights some ugly old fuck is gonna try to kiss me or grab
my balls once too often and he's gonna get really hurt.

CHOCOLATE

Yes, yes, darling, I knows.

BLANE

You think I'm kiddin'. Well, I'm tired of takin' their shit. I never in my life let
nobody give me shit. I…I've killed people for less than I have to take from
these....

CHOCOLATE

I know, honey. You told me before. There's lotsa dead people what gave you shit.

BLANE

Well there are.

(pause)

There are. Jesus.

(he drops his head in his hands.)

 21

CHOCOLATE

Now, now, honey. Nothin' bad is gonna happen. You think Chocolate let
somethin' bad happen? Well, she wouldn't. You awful stupid sometimes, but you
is what I got. Now straightens up and tucks in you shirt. He be comm' back in a
minute. These old mens likes you to be John Wayne, not crybaby.

BLANE

(pushing her away)

I ain't a crybaby. Christ, what the fuck did you even have to come along for
tonight, anyway?

CHOCOLATE

Cause he invited me, darling.

BLANE

Yeah, cause you told him that unless you "chaperoned" that I wouldn't go for it.
Surprise, huh? You thought you were keepin' it so hush-hush. Well, I heard it all.
And just so's you could get a look at this goddamed movie shit and stretch this out
to a whole goddamed night.

CHOCOLATE

And so's maybe for once you coulds bring home some money instead of fuckin' it
up likes you usually does.

BLANE

Well, you're not needed, so why don't you just split? In fact, why don't you do me
a favor and just split permanently? You're just a big pain in the ass most of the
time, anyway.

CHOCOLATE

Okay, fine.

(She picks up her coat)

BLANE

Whaddya mean?
 22

CHOCOLATE
I mean fine...I split...permanently...right now. Chocolate never stay where she not
wanted.

BLANE
Now don't try this martyr crap with me

CHOCOLATE

Is no martyr. You a big operator now. And I is just positive that the next time you
is out in the rain all weepin' and fucked up that you ain't gonna have no trouble
findin' somebody to give you food to eat and nice, warm room to sleep in like I
did.

BLANE

Now don't get all in a piss fit.

CHOCOLATE

(heading for the door).

Course, next time you belts one of the queens for sayin’ you is cute likes you did
last week, there ain't gonna be no Chocolate to keeps them from callin’ the cops.

BLANE
You don't have to ……

CHOCOLATE
But that ain't so bad. After all, you can still works nice, cold Selma Avenue with
all the junkies and all the cops.
BLANE
Come on, Chocolate

CHOCOLATE
And the first thing you knows you'll get picked up by the cops. Then they can
ships you right back to Kansas. Right back to you draft board. Then you cans go
to Viet-Nam where you cans be just as butch and rude as you pleases. Such nice
things to look forward to.

(opening the door)

Well, so long, darling.

 23

BLANE

Okay, Okay. I'm sorry.

CHOCOLATE

You gonna start behavin' like Chocolate tells you to behave?

(BLANE nods yes)

Startin' tonight with him?

BLANE

I ain't doin' nothin' wrong. What am I doin’ wrong?

CHOCOLATE

First of all, you makes nice. When he wants to talk about old dead friends you
smiles and acts like you is interested.

BLANE
Now you’re showing what you don’t know. Lots of these guys get off on bein’ put
down.

CHOCOLATE
He not one of them. Time you make a little nicer.

BLANE
Well, what do I know about Lillian whatever her name is?

CHOCOLATE

(tosses him newspaper obituary)

Here. Read and you finds out.

BLANE

All right. But, I don’t know, he’s such a creepy old fag.

CHOCOLATE

It ain’t like you never done nothin’ like this before.

 24

BLANE
That don’t make it any better.

CHOCOLATE

Look at it this way. He was big star once. Why, is just like goin' to bed with
Raquel Welch.

BLANE

It ain't nothin' like goin'.to bed with Raquel Welch.

(TEMPLETON enters from the top of the stairs. HE is in the white military uniform of the
Russian Imperial Army, laden with medals and gold brocade, and a sword, in an
elaborate sheath, at TEMPLETON's side. The uniform has the look of being old, but
largely unworn and well cared for. He carries with him a bottle of scotch and three
glasses)

TEMPLETON
Enter Count Ivan Cheremsky!

BLANE
What the fuck...?

CHOCOLATE
Darling, how wonderful.

TEMPLETON
I see the Grand Duchess and Archduke have arrived before this terrible storm
comes to it's full force.

CHOCOLATE
Oh, we has, darling, we has.

TEMPLETON
(to BLANE)

The Czar sends his Imperial Greetings and offers you the finest liquors from the
Winter Palace. But we mustn't drink too much. We must keep our wits about us. I
fear there will be treachery in Moscow tonight.

BLANE
Yeah right.

TEMPLETON
May I introduce Count Ivan Cheremsky from "The Just and The Forgotten."
 25

CHOCOLATE
A pleasure to meets you, Count. You looks …

TEMPLETON
Like a doorman?

CHOCOLATE
Likes "The Handsomest Man in Hollywood Today."

TEMPLETON

Oh, indeed?

(indicates uniform)

Much better preserved than myself, I daresay.

CHOCOLATE
(In a series of grand sweeps)

Well, if you are Count Cheremsky, I ams the Duchess Alexandra, the mother of
all the Russias and I have comes great distances to meets you.

TEMPLETON
(bowing and unsheathing his sword)

The pleasure is entirely mine, Duchess.

(TEMPLETON starts to resheathe the sword)

BLANE
(indicating the sword)

Can I see that?

(TEMPLETON passes it over to him)

CHOCOLATE
Wonderful, darling.'

(to BLANE)
 26

Oh, it was so dashing. He gets down on his knees and cry his love for Lillian
Trimble. She was Czarina of all the Russias and he was put in front of firing
squad for daring to declares his love.

TEMPLETON
You did see it.

CHOCOLATE
No I just guess. All those movies have same plot. But they was all so romantic. I
cry all the time I watch them.

BLANE
(examining sword)

Yeah, I guess it must have been real nice.

CHOCOLATE
Better, darling.

(to TEMPLETON)

Is this really the costume you wore in the picture?

TEMPLETON
The very one. Let out ever so slightly, you understand.

(He retrieves the sword from Blane and resheathes it)

CHOCOLATE
They lets you keep the costumes?

TEMPLETON
No. I took it. A bit of minor larceny. It amused me.

CHOCOLATE
You...dresses up in them a lot, darling?

TEMPLETON
Oh, I can tell what you're thinking.

(mimics CHOCOLATE)

So there we was up at the mausoleum with...

(dropping the mimic)

 27

What is that name they call me down at that bar...?

CHOCOLATE
What name, darling?

TEMPLETON
Old Mother has-been. That's it. Very charming. Anyway....

(back to CHOCOLATE mimic)

There we was, and Old Mother has-been starts pulling out all his old drag. He's a
real nut-case, you know. Doesn't know what year it is. Very sad.

(drops mimic)

Good God, what a dreary scenario. No, no. I take these out only on very special
occasions. No one is more aware than me that that time is dead and gone. I did it
for you.

(indicates both of them)

It seemed appropriate for a party such as this.

CHOCOLATE
Darling...I don'ts mean to be tacky, but you don'ts happen to have any clothes
what belonged to... to…

TEMPLETON
My leading ladies?

CHOCOLATE
Yes, darling.

TEMPLETON

I'm afraid not. A has-been I may be, but I leave the role of "female" to genuine
women.

CHOCOLATE
I see.

TEMPLETON
(quickly)

Not that cross dressing is wrong... exactly... it's just that...what I mean is…
 28

CHOCOLATE
I understands, darling. At least you is honest about it. Nots like them peace and
love hippies down on the strip. They looks at me and says “far out”, all the whiles
I know they wants to run up the street in the other direction. You nice. You not
run.

TEMPLETON

Thank you, my dear. And if there were any gowns in this house, you'd be more
than welcome to any or all of them.

CHOCOLATE
Why, thank you, darling.

BLANE
Please, don't encourage him.

CHOCOLATE
HER, darling, HER.

TEMPLETON
Well, how about some drinks? Neat all around?

BLANE
Sure. No slobs here.

CHOCOLATE
(to BLANE)

Cool it.

(to TEMPLETON)

That would be wonderful.

TEMPLETON
This scotch is wonderful. Twenty years old and very rare. They don't even sell it
in America. Anyone care to make a toast?

CHOCOLATE
Yes, me, darling.

TEMPLETON
Very well. Glasses up, everyone.
 29

CHOCOLATE
To Lillian Trimble.

TEMPLETON

Thank you. May she rest in peace. Ahh. That is magnificent. You know, I've
always loved scotch. Even in prohibition, I'd take bad scotch over good gin any
day in the week.

BLANE

(makes sour face after he drinks. Then, to CHOCOLATE)

You got any gum or anything?

CHOCOLATE

I gots good crack in the face if you don'ts starts to behave.

TEMPLETON
Perfectly all right. Really. I'm not offended in the least. Scotch is an acquired
taste.

CHOCOLATE

(mumbled to BLANE)

Pendejo de la mierda.

TEMPLETON

(settles back and sips scotch)

You know, back in 1923, I was a young, starving actor in New York. I had just
been cast in my first Broadway play, which was also my last Broadway play. It
was an abysmal little melodrama called "Down In Greenwich Village." I played
the artistically brilliant, but hopelessly inebriated younger brother. The part called
for me to consume huge quantities of scotch, which, of course, was supposed to
be nothing but weak tea. The third night, the assistant stage manager, in a fit of
frivolity, loaded all of the second act decanters with the genuine article. I took
my place, the curtain went up, and I lustily threw down the first of my thirty-two
called for second act drinks. My eyes teared, my stomach turned over, and my life
flashed before me. But, being young, foolhardy, and with no small sense of
adventure, I reached for the decanter and threw down the second of my thirty-two
called for second act drinks. Fifteen minutes later...I was John Barrymore. The
 30

stage was mine and I didn't care who I had to share it with. And I found myself
facing this wide hipped actress who was playing my sister. She was in the middle
of a long monologue, and as I listened to her it occurred to me how dreadful she
really was. (mimics the actress) "Oh, brother dear, I want a brother I can look up
to - someone I can show off proudly to my beau - not a hopeless drunk." She
paused and fluttered her eyelashes for dramatic effect. I decided to improvise.
"Tell me sister, dear, why is it you have such a big, fat ass? What does your beau
think of that?" I then turned to my audience and said, "Perhaps he likes to ride in
comfort." I was fired before the curtain call. Not that it mattered. The play closed
three days later anyway. But on that night, as sometimes happens even in real life,
there was one Mr. Irving Goldstein in the audience. He was a producer from
Hollywood and he had a studio at which the main attraction was the comedian
Billy Maxfield. Mr. Goldstein was looking for someone to play antagonist to Mr.
Maxfield's clown. And thus began both my career in pictures and a life long love
affair with scotch.

CHOCOLATE
(applauding wildly)

Oh, brava, brava. oh, darling. Is magnificent story. Is it all true?

TEMPLETON
I think so.

BLANE
Yeah, not bad.

CHOCOLATE

Better, darling, better.

TEMPLETON
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was wondering when we were going to get a smile out
of you.

CHOCOLATE
Oh, he smile all the time.

BLANE
It was kinda funny. When somethin' is kinda funny, I smile.

CHOCOLATE
Ain't he sweet?

(quickly)
 31

Darling, I been noticing the pictures of all these beautiful people on you desk.
They friends of yours?

BLANE
(thinking)
Actually, it wasn't that funny.

CHOCOLATE
DARLING. I woulds like to hear about Mr. Templeton's friends.

TEMPLETON
Would you? Would you really?

CHOCOLATE

Of course, darling.
TEMPLETON

(As HE speaks he moves S.L. to a small closed alcove or closet)

Well, those are just still pictures, my dear. Posed and lifeless. I can do much
better than that.

(TEMPLETON opens the closet door and brings out a projector, with film loaded and
ready to go. As he speaks the following speech, he gets it into place and plugs it in. HE
then pulls a small rope next to his portrait. The portrait lifts upwards to reveal a small
screen)

TEMPLETON

(as the picture lifts)

I don't think there's a single octogenarian ego in Hollywood that doesn't have one
of these contraptions. Of all the films I ever appeared in, it is this one I have kept.
It is this one I watch over and over again with such…fondness. It's remarkably
well preserved

(to CHOCOLATE)

Would you get the lights? The switch on the wall, if you will.

CHOCOLATE
Of course, darling.

(SHE turns off the lights).

 32

TEMPLETON
(turns on the projector)

This is very rare stock, my dear. You'll never see it at the Silent Cinema. This is
"home movie" footage from a beach party Mr. Goldstein threw in 1929.

(The film starts to roll. The stage should be completely black except for the light from the
projector. The footage looks very old. It is a group of people on a beach with cuts to an
elaborate veranda facing the beach. As the film - which should be no longer than 1 - 1
1/2 minutes - progresses, TEMPLETON comments on the various people as they come
into close up.)

That is Billy Maxfield. Look at how he carries on. He always behaved as though
his entire life were being filmed as a two reeler. You know, he used to say, when
he was drunk, that it was his fondest desire to die making someone laugh. Five
years ago he had a heart attack in the arms of a college coed. I imagine he got his
wish.

(BLANE laughs)
TEMPLETON

Yes, I thought you'd like that.

CHOCOLATE

That woman is beautiful. And that dress.

TEMPLETON
That's Maria Del Fuego. The gentleman with her is a Doctor -- one of her many,
many suitors. Maria liked him because he kept her supplied with several chemical
"pick-me-ups" as she called them. In 1934 he supplied her with too strong a
prescription and she died of overdose. They said it was accidental, but I think that
the good Doctor had discovered that Maria also made housecalls.

CHOCOLATE
Mens.' They can be so jealous. I knows.

TEMPLETON
Oh, look, look -- there's Evelyn Mills swilling yogurt as usual. She was the
original health nut -- used to bore us to tears with her dire predictions of early
senility and death because we ate red meat. In 1965 she choked on a brussels
sprout -- that the nurse was feeding her. She wouldn't have had it any other way.
Now there -- there is Lillian.
 33

CHOCOLATE
Gorgeous, darling.

TEMPLETON
They called her "The American Garbo." So beautiful. I always like to think of her
just that way. A true leading lady. Not like the later years when she was always
playing the grand dame, or someone’s grandmother.

CHOCOLATE
Oh, those two is so precious. They looks like teenagers.

TEMPLETON
Yes they were, for over twenty years. That is Eva St. Clair and Warren Manners,
Goldstein’s juvenile cuties. They were married to each other, although that never
stopped either of them from propositioning every construction worker and script
girl on the lot. They died in 1961 when their house burned to the ground. It was
probably the first time they had slept in the same bed since their wedding night.
Rotten luck, that.

CHOCOLATE

Darling, that one is stunning.

TEMPLETON

That is Michael O'Brien –

(softly)

Michael

(normal voice)

He was a…very special friend.

(the film finishes)

That's it. Lights up.

(CHOCOLATE goes and turns on the lights. TEMPLETON goes about putting the
projector away and lowering the portrait)

CHOCOLATE
Well, thats was certainly a wonderful treat, darling.
 34

TEMPLETON

I'm glad you enjoyed it. It’s rare nowadays when I bring that out.

CHOCOLATE

Really? I am so honored, darling.

BLANE
(After a poke in the ribs from CHOCOLATE)

Yeah... thanks.

TEMPLETON
You're welcome.

CHOCOLATE
That last hunk there -- was he an actor, too?

TEMPLETON
No, a cameraman. The most brilliant and successful of his time. Such a --
beautiful artist he was. All Hollywood considered him a genius of the first order,
as well as the kindest and most generous…..

CHOCOLATE
(picks up trophy-like object)

This one of his awards, darling? It gots his name on it.

(reads)

"Michael O'Brien - November 9, 1933.

TEMPLETON
No, that's an urn. It contains his ashes.

CHOCOLATE
(replaces urn very quickly)

Really? Well... is…very nice touch. You keeps his ashes in you house?
TEMPLETON

Of course.

CHOCOLATE
Is maybe none of my business, darling, but was you and him…..
 35

TEMPLETON
We were together from 1924 until he died in 1933. Lillian introduced us at a
party.

CHOCOLATE
Nine years.

TEMPLETON

In our case, a lifetime. Yes...a lifetime Ahh, but that was another night. Many
other nights. We are having a party tonight. And a very nice party, indeed, it
seems.

CHOCOLATE
I'll bets you had big ones then, darling. Hundreds of peoples.

TEMPLETON
Every other night. Particularly Lillian. She was a champion at giving parties.
Once she even gave one for people's pets. Everyone showed up with their various
dogs, cats and assorted reptiles. Maria Del Fuego brought a German bodybuilder.
It was most amusing.

CHOCOLATE
(picking up Maria’s picture from the desk)

Such a dark beauty, darling.

TEMPLETON
You remind me of her.

CHOCOLATE
Really? I looks like her?

TEMPLETON
In some ways the resemblance is striking. You know, I have a lovely oil painting
of her around here. Would you like to see it?

CHOCOLATE
Oh, yes, darling.

TEMPLETON
It’s upstairs in one of the guest bedrooms. Why don’t you go have a look? Up the
stairs, fourth door down the hall on the left.
 36

BLANE
Yeah, why don’t you do that? That'd be great, cause you know, it's getting late.

(Pointedly, with impatient gesture to CHOCOLATE)

Late.

CHOCOLATE
(getting the message)
Well, maybe just a little teeny bit late. Darling, you gots ladies room up there?

TEMPELTON
First door to your right. The very one in which Maria Del Fuego used to powder
her nose, so to speak.

CHOCOLATE
Thank you, darling. I'll be back in about ….?

BLANE

Ten minutes.

CHOCOLATE
Ten minutes.
(CHOCOLATE gives BLANE a warning look and goes up the stairs.)

TEMPLETON

(a pause, then)

You've been awfully quiet.

BLANE
Yeah.

TEMPLETON
Strong, silent type?

(BLANE shrugs, does not reply)

TEMPLETON
Or just not much to say?
 37

BLANE
You're doin' all the talkin'.
TEMPLETON
It's my nickel. Would you like another drink?

BLANE

I haven’t finished this one yet. It’s…strong.

TEMPLETON
You know, Los Angeles is so full of people who come here from other places. I
myself am originally from Rochester, New York. But we all flock here in pursuit
of one dream or another. Sometimes we even get what we're after.

BLANE
Look...

TEMPLETON
Let me guess. Is it the movies? Is that what you’re after...the lure of Hollywood?

BLANE
No.

TEMPLETON
No? Now there's a first. What, then?

BLANE
Hey, man, look. What did you bring me here for, business or my life's story?

TEMPLETON
Well, when I have guests in my home, I always try to find out a little bit about
them. Call it curiosity. In fact, you might say that I consider such conversation to
be vital to the success of the party.

(pause)

Vital.

BLANE
Okay, okay, I getcha. Well, if you want to know the truth, I don't plan to stay very
long in this town...it's too fucked up. As soon as I get enough bread together I'm
gonna head for Mexico.

TEMPLETON
Mexico. How very fascinating. And what do you plan to do there?
 38

(silence from BLANE)

Come, come now. Don't be so secretive. You must have some plans.

BLANE
I'm....I’m plannin' to open a school down there.

TEMPLETON
A school?!

BLANE
Yeah, a school.

(pause)

A karate school.

TEMPLETON
This really is a first. Well, my, my. A karate school. That's rather admirable. Or
at least ambitious.

BLANE
Thanks.

TEMPLETON
You must have studied a very long time to teach...how very extraordinary.

BLANE
Long enough. I mean...I picked a lot of it up on my own...and they got the karate
matches every Saturday on TV and I learn fast.

TEMPLETON
But I should think you'd have to study diligently for a very long... But then again,
what do I know of such things.
(pause)

I have an idea. Why don't you show me some.

BLANE
What? No...no, forget it. I don't do that.

TEMPLETON

But it would make me so very pleased if you would.

 39

BLANE
I said forget it. Besides, I ain't got no partner, and....

TEMPLETON

And so very displeased if you refused.

(There is a look exchanged between the two. Finally ….)

BLANE
Okay, okay. But just a little.

(BLANE executes a simple move. HE is obviously a rank amateur, but he has a certain
grace)

TEMPLETON
(applauds)

Wonderful.

BLANE
Shit. That ain't nothin'.

TEMPLETON
More, please...more.

BLANE
No. That's it. Enough.

TEMPLETON
But I have always so loved a performance with a little something extra. And I
have never minded paying for that something extra.

(BLANE gets the message. HE silently goes center and performs a series of kicks and
thrusts. As he progresses with the demonstration, he should get more and more "into it"
to the point of taking a boyish delight in this bit of "showing off.")

TEMPLETON
(after BLANE has finished with a grand flourish)
Excellent. Really…just magnificent.

BLANE
And this is the best one of all.
 40

(BLANE advances on his imaginary opponent. Through a series of intricate turns and
kicks, accompanied by ferocious yells, he downs the "opponent.")

TEMPLETON
Bravo.

BLANE
Great, ain't it? Biff always used to be a sucker for that move.

(puzzled look from TEMPLETON)

Oh, he's….he was my best friend.

TEMPLETON
It's especially gratifying to do things with one's best friend, isn't it?

BLANE
He wasn't the only one. There was Stan and Al and Tom. We used to practice this
all the time. In fact, we were all savin' up to go to the midwestern semifinals
before …

(quickly)

Yeah, they were great guys.

(pause)

I don't guess I'll be seem' much of them anymore.

TEMPLETON
Ah, yes. It is very difficult to lose the friends one has loved. Believe me, I know.

(a moment of silence)

BLANE
Yeah, well…

(His voice trails off)

TEMPLETON
 41

I never realized how graceful it is. Rather like ballet.

BLANE
It ain't nothin' like ballet.

TEMPLETON
I just meant that some of the kicks and turns resembled…

BLANE
Look, this is karate, Jack, not a bunch of fags in tights.

TEMPLETON
I see.

BLANE
I think it's time we just canned all of this and got down to business. It's gettin'
real late.

TEMPLETON
Yes, you are correct. And what is your standard fee for...house calls.

BLANE
Fifty...seventy five bucks.

TEMPLETON
Agreed.

(then, moving right on)

You know, in a way it's a shame you don't try your hand at the movies. You
certainly have the face for it. And your little workout seemed to reveal excellent
body definition. Of course, that sort of thing is very difficult to tell through
clothing.

(A pause. TEMPLETON and BLANE stare at each other. BLANE removes his shirt.
Another moment of silence. BLANE undoes his trousers and lets them drop to the floor.
HIS back is to the audience and HE is visibly quaking. When the trousers are dropped,
TEMPLETON circles him, taking it all in.)

BLANE
Come on, come on, let's go.
 42

TEMPLETON
You know, it has never ceased to amaze me. You boys these days all protest your
unshakeable manhood for hours on end. And then, at the drop of a hat, with
nothing whatsoever to inspire you, all become so immediately… shall we say...
functional.

BLANE
Money "inspires" me. I told you. It's strictly business.

TEMPLETON
Indeed. Business. Very well, you may put your clothing back on.

BLANE
What the fuck?

TEMPLETON
Well, you could stay that way if you wanted to, but it's rather chilly in here and
you might catch cold.

BLANE
(yanking his pants back up)

Now, look, just what the hell are you up to? Are you tryin' to play with my
head?

TEMPLETON
On the contrary, young man. I was admiring your ability to perform on cue.
However, this is my party. Therefore it will proceed at my leisure. As for
"business," may I also remind you that you are not being paid by the hour. You
must have patience. Rome was not built in a day, or whatever cliché best applies.

BLANE
Now, look, you…

TEMPLETON
You know, I can't help but think that you might get some film work if you really
tried; you are the type they're looking for these days; short, light and confused.

BLANE
I don't wanna be no actor. Actors are fucked up -- mostly fags.
 43

TEMPLETON
You've used that word around me a great deal this evening. I don’t much care for
it, you know.

BLANE
Hey, man, if the shoe fits…

TEMPLETON
And I think it fits rather well -- patent leather, stylish. I see you wear sneakers --
dirty sneakers.

BLANE
They fit me, Mr. Templeton. A lot of...men wear them nowadays. Course, I don't
suppose you know many men.

TEMPLETON
Now, see here....

BLANE
Real men, I'm talkin' ahout.

TEMPLETON
Just one moment…

BLANE
Just one nothin'.' I'm tired of this fuckin' around. I came here for business. I ain't
interested in what you did in the movies. I ain't interested in guided tours of your
house. I ain't interested in yappin' about your dead buddies, or....

(HE picks up the urn)

... or about the toasted stiffs you got layin' around in fancy jars. Now, goddamit,
old man, get to it, or else!

(BLANE slams down the urn, which tumbles over onto the floor. TEMPLETON rushes
over and scoops it up)

TEMPLETON
(picking up urn)

Exactly as I expected.

(to BLANE)
 44

My friends are dead, but I am not...yet. And this urn contains all I have left in the
world of someone I loved very much. And you…you are an ignorant, arrogant,
uncouth little piece of rough trade...who does not have the slightest
comprehension of the value of anything. Your mother must be so proud.

BLANE
You shut the fuck up about my mother, you old faggot, before I knock your ass
clear into next week.

TEMPLETON
Is that an extra twenty-five dollars or do you throw that in for free?

BLANE
You're gonna find out in about one second.

(BLANE goes into threatening karate stance)

TEMPLETON
Please, feel free. There is a particular policeman at the Hollywood Police Station I
knew quite well when he was a youth. He is…aware of my proclivities. I would
not feel the slightest shame or hesitation about calling him.

(BLANE backs off)

TEMPLETON
That's better. Now please sit down. I said sit down.

(BLANE sits)

Fine. Very nice. My goodness, this has all given me quite a thirst. More Scotch?

(TEMPLETON pours BLANE more Scotch. BLANE does not resist.)

Now where did you say you were from?

BLANE
Boston…I'm from Boston.

TEMPLETON
My congratulations on losing your accent so quickly. How ever did you do that?

CHOCOLATE
(Offstage)

Yoo hoo.' I'm coming down now. Okay?

 45

TEMPLETON
Come right ahead, my dear.

(CHOCOLATE appears at the top of the stairs in improvised drag, consisting of a

Spanish shawl which she has wrapped around her waist, another around her torso, and a
bath towel wrapped around her head like a turban.)
CHOCOLATE
Don't nobody say ole!

TEMPLETON
How wonderful. How very festive.

(CHOCOLATE descends the stairs a la "Mexican Spitfire.")

Such a vision.

CHOCOLATE
I hopes you don'ts mind, darling. I finds these shawls on the table upstairs, and…

TEMPLETON
Don't say another word.

(TEMPLETON goes to the stereo set and puts on a tango record. He gallantly removes
his sword and hands it, sheath and all, to BLANE.)

TEMPLETON
Mind these for me, will you squire?

(to CHOCOLATE)

TANGO!

CHOCOLATE
Si.' Muy caliente.'

TEMPLETON
Wait. There is something missing.

CHOCOLATE
What, darling?

(TEMPLETON goes to the wreath of roses which is propped up on a small table, plucks
one, and hands it to CHOCOLATE)
 46

TEMPLETON
Much better.

CHOCOLATE
Thank you, thank you, darling.

(CHOCOLATE and TEMPLETON do an elegant tango. TEMPLETON is much more

graceful than CHOCOLATE. We can see what a dashing leading man he must have been.
CHOCOLATE tries to be "ladylike" with limited success. The following dialogue is
interspersed throughout the dance.)

CHOCOLATE
This rose is beautiful, darling. Oooh, I feels like Princess Grace.

TEMPLETON
Indeed.

CHOCOLATE
Tell me, you devil, does you keeps roses around the house for all the girls?

TEMPLETON
Oh no. They came from Lillian's casket.

CHOCOLATE
(a bit taken aback)

Oh...well, they is....very beautiful.

TEMPLETON
They just heap them on the grave, anyway.

CHOCOLATE
Well, darling, this one flower is making someone very, very happy.

TEMPLETON
I'm so delighted, my dear. They didn't seem to perk Lillian up at all.

(The tango finishes with a grand dip in which CHOCOLATE almost pulls TEMPLETON
over on top of her)

CHOCOLATE
(when the dance is finished)

Brava, darling. Brava.'

 47

TEMPLETON
Well, my goodness. I do believe I need another drink.

CHOCOLATE
Oh, me, too, darling.

TEMPLETON
(to BLANE)

Fill these, will you?

(hands BLANE the glasses)

CHOCOLATE
Do like Mr. Templeton ask, darling.
BLANE
Well, Jesus. How do you make these things?

TEMPLETON
It's really very simple. You take the scotch and pour it in the glasses.

(BLANE just looks at him. HE then makes the drinks.)

TEMPLETON

(taking drink)
Thank you. And now, in the absence of my dear, departed friends, I should like to
make a toast...a toast for all of my old ghosts, and....my new friends.

CHOCOLATE
(raising her glass - to TEMPLETON)

To the last real, gentleman in all Hollywood.

BLANE
And I'll drink to…to the two dancing fairies.

(HE laughs. TEMPLETON violently snatches the glass from BLANE's mouth)
BLANE

You crazy old fuck.' what did you do that for?

 48

CHOCOLATE
Calm down, darling.

BLANE
I think he chipped my tooth. Did he chip my tooth?

TEMPLETON
I will not be called that in my own house. I thought I' had made that clear.

BLANE
I was just makin' a joke. That hurt, goddamit.

TEMPLETON
Well, you asked for it.

BLANE
Everybody was laughin'. What did you have to go and do that for? So help me, if
you chipped my tooth, you're gonna pay for it.

(to CHOCOLATE)

My mouth ain't bleedin', is it?

CHOCOLATE
Calms down, darling. You mouth is fine.

BLANE
You didn't care when we was all makin' jokes about you back at the bar. What
gives?

TEMPLETON
But not in my house.

CHOCOLATE
Please, the boths of you.

BLANE
I never let nobody do that kinda stuff to me. I got half a mind to lay you out right
here.

CHOCOLATE
(to BLANE)
 49

Please, darling, sits down. Mr. Templeton, you please not get rough. Is not nice.
Can spoil party real quick.

TEMPLETON
When one is rude, as this young man is…

CHOCOLATE
I know. He cans be very tacky sometimes.

(BLANE starts to interject)

You cans be tacky, honey, so please just be quiet. If he does something wrong,
you tells me. I takes care of it.

TEMPLETON
(to BLANE)

Just who do you think you are, talking to me like that?

BLANE
Well, who the hell are you?

TEMPLETON
I am Frederick Templeton. I starred in over twenty films. Sixty million people
knew my name. I was something.

BLANE
Yeah, that’s a good word, was…

TEMPLETON
I made my mark

BLANE
Now look, buddy - I came here tonight for business. That's all. Not to be bossed
around and fucked with by some old fag.

CHOCOLATE
Will you please calms down you mouth....?

BLANE
Cause that's all you are to me - just an old fag. And I'm tired of takin' shit from
you.
 50

TEMPLETON
Such observations. Coming from someone who is no doubt such a lady-killer.

BLANE
Goddamit, now. Just lay off me.

TEMPLETON
Then mind your tongue in my house. I will not be called names by the likes of
you.'

CHOCOLATE
STOP IT! THE BOTHS OF YOU. Is no need for all this shoutin'. Now just cool
it.

(to BLANE)

Mr. Templeton was a great star, so you just shows some respect and stop being so
rude.

(to TEMPLETON)

And you, Mr. Templeton - he is very high strung, so's you shouldn't be goadin'
him on like this.

TEMPLETON
Well, I think this young man owes me an apology.

BLANE
Apology, my ass. I don't believe this.

CHOCOLATE
Darling…

BLANE
You've had one hell of a good time tonight, haven't you? Messin' with me. Makin'
me feel like an asshole. Tellin' me that I'm nothin' but a piece of rough trade.
Well, maybe right now that's what I am. But that's all you can get these days, ain't
it, Mr. Templeton? And you know what else? Tonight you ain't even gonna get
that. C'mon, Chocolate, let’s split.

TEMPLETON
What are you talking about?

BLANE
Split - go - leave. You heard me.
 51

CHOCOLATE

(She contemplates this for a moment, then)

Maybe we shoulds go, Mr. Templeton.

TEMPLETON
Young man, we have an arrangement. You cannot walk out on an agreement.

BLANE
Hey, look, if I wanted to spend my time takin' shit, I'd still be livin' with my
father. Chocolate, you comin’?

TEMPLETON
Well, as you seem to be so easily wounded, I'll tell you what. We'll call it even.
I'll admit that my outburst was as least as rude as your behavior. How's that?

BLANE
Thanks, but no thanks. Come on, Chocolate. It's a long way back to the boulevard.

TEMPLETON
If I were to make the payment...say...$l00? Do you think that might heal some
wounds?

BLANE
Not a bit.

CHOCOLATE
Wait a minute, darling...maybe Mr. Templeton right.

BLANE
For a lousy twenty five extra? You gotta be kiddin'. I’ll get two quickies in cars
on Selma. Same thing.

CHOCOLATE
But that not for sure.

BLANE
Look, Chocolate. I don't need this. I don't need this at all.

TEMPLETON
(exasperated)

Oh, very well...two hundred dollars.

 52

CHOCOLATE
Two hundred dollars, darling.'

BLANE
It ain't worth it.

CHOCOLATE
What you means it ain't worth it?

TEMPLETON
Exactly. Besides, who knows what kind of undesirables you could run into in a
parked car? Vagrants, someone with a disease. Possibly even a maniac. That
Charles Manson…

BLANE
(to CHOCOLATE)

Look, are you comin' or not?

CHOCOLATE
Not to mention undercover cop.

(This one gets him. BLANE pauses for a moment. Then, to TEMPLETON)

BLANE
All right. Two hundred dollars.

TEMPLETON
That's what I said.

BLANE
And no more putt in' me down. And no more fuckin' around with me like that. I
really mean it.

TEMPLETON
No more, I promise.

(HE extends his hand)

You have my solemn oath.

(BLANE regards TEMPLETON's hand briefly, then shakes it.)

BLANE
And I don't wanna spend the rest of the night here no how. So it’s gotta be soon.
 53

TEMPLETON
Yes, soon.

CHOCOLATE
Well, we gets that settled. I real glad about that.

TEMPLETON
Me. too. How about another drink?

CHOCOLATE
Wonderful.

TEMPLETON
(pours drinks)

Shall we have another toast?

CHOCOLATE
Ain't we had enough toasts, darling? I mean

TEMPLETON
This is the best kind of toast.

(raises glass)

To friendship - no matter how dear the price.

BLANE
I’ll drink to that. Specially when the price is two hundred.

TEMPLETON
Two hundred dollars. Merely a token. And for good companionship, a very small
token indeed. I shouldn't say this, but I consider myself to be getting the much
better end of the bargain.

BLANE
If you say so.

TEMPLETON
I do say so. Tokens are important. They provide memories and memories are a
form of life. There comes a time when they are the only form you have left. All
 54

these pictures on my desk. My well used home movies...the little gifts I received
from my friends. Almost every knickknack in this room is a present from
someone or other.

CHOCOLATE
How wonderful. Is so good to have friends, darling.

TEMPLETON
That's very sweet of you to say, my dear.

(TEMPLETON looks at her for a moment)

I'd like to show you something really special.

CHOCOLATE
Oh, what darling?

TEMPLETON
I'm sure you'll like this.

(TEMPLETON takes a key from a chain around his neck and opens the desk drawer.)

TEMPLETON
This was from Mike on the occasion of "The Just and The Forgotten" being my
third film in a row to break box office records.

(TEMPLETON removes from the desk a small globe of the world, no bigger than a
softball. The globe sits on a small base, and both the base and the globe appear to be of
solid gold. The countries of the world on the globe are each filled in with what appear to
be precious stones, cut very small. It is the same globe TEMPLETON is holding in the
oil painting. It should look most impressive.)

CHOCOLATE
Darling.' Is beautiful.'

TEMPLETON
Very unique, isn’t it. Dear Mike. When he presented it to me, he hold me, “See
Fred now the whole world belongs to us. And at that moment it truly did.

(BLANE draws closer to examine the artifact more closely, as does CHOCOLATE, but
before they come too close, TEMPLETON has replaced the globe in the drawer and
relocked it.)

TEMPLETON
I never take that out for very long. If I do, I'm afraid I get terribly sentimental and
quite boring. And we'll have none of that, right?
 55

CHOCOLATE
Is so beautiful. I bets you woulds never part with that for nothin.

TEMPLETON
Of course not, my dear, it is priceless to me. What say we have another drink?

CHOCOLATE
Darling, my head. She is swimming already. I surprised I cans still stands up.

TEMPLETON
I can stand.

(HE does).

I can walk a straight line, too.

(HE does).

You must will yourself not to get drunk....or old...or senile...or forgetful. Forgetful
is the worst of them all. Memories can provide that will. Look, I can even dance a
little jig.

(HE does. But after a couple of steps, he falters and grasps his stomach in pain.)

TEMPLETON
Oh, dear. Time to sit down.

CHOCOLATE
What’s wrong, darling?

TEMPLETON
I forgot the one thing will can't touch. Ulcers.

CHOCOLATE
You got ulcers?
TEMPLETON
I had an operation for them last year. It really isn't anything. I have medicine for
it. I'll just…

CHOCOLATE
You tells me where it is, darling. I goes and gets it.

TEMPLETON
That isn't necessary. I can…
 56

CHOCOLATE
Never minds that. You tells me where it is. Come on, now.

TEMPLETON
Very well. Second shelf of the medicine cabinet upstairs. A small blue bottle.

CHOCOLATE
I be rights back. Don'ts you move. Just sits there and rest.

(CHOCOLATE runs up the stairs.)

BLANE
(after a moment)

I guess it's all that booze you been drinkin' tonight.

TEMPLETON
Perhaps.

BLANE
I guess booze is just like everythin' else. If you can't handle it, you shouldn't mess
with it.

(BLANE and TEMPLETON stare at each other for a moment. CHOCOLATE appears on
the top of the inner-above landing.)

CHOCOLATE
I can'ts find it, Mr. Templeton. Is too many bottles. I can'ts tell which one.

TEMPLETON
(struggling to his feet)

I can find it. It's all right.

CHOCOLATE
No let me.

TEMPLETON
No, I can find it a great deal quicker than you can.

(HE starts up the stairs and CHOCOLATE starts down. They meet in the middle.)

CHOCOLATE
You wants me to go with you?
 57

TEMPLETON
My dear, I am fine. I can manage very well. Thank you for your concern. I'll be
down in a few moments.

(HE is gone)
CHOCOLATE
Ulcers. Is too bad. I hears ulcers can be terrible.

(BLANE is at the desk drawer)

Gets away from there. What you think you doin'?

(BLANE is taking out pocket knife and opening it.)

BLANE
I'm pickin' the lock, what does it look like?

CHOCOLATE
Are you nuts? Do you wants him to call the cops, or what?

BLANE
You saw that thing, it must be worth a fortune.

CHOCOLATE
Oh, that. Was prop from movie.

(SHE points to the oil painting pf TEMPLETON)

Czarina gives to Count Cheremsky in last reel.

BLANE
Bullshit. It's solid gold with jewels all around.

CHOCOLATE
I know these movies darling, remember?

BLANE
But suppose that boyfriend of his had a real one made just like the one in the
movie? Makes sense to me. Them guys were rich as shit back then.

CHOCOLATE
Please, darling. You is watchin' too much television.

BLANE
This could be Mexico, Chocolate.
 58

CHOCOLATE
This is one-way ticket to Kansas Draft Board for you, honey. You feels like
gettin' caught for cheap movie prop?

BLANE
I at least gotta find out.

(HE starts to pick the lock)

CHOCOLATE
Now you stops thatl I tolds you, no stealin' from reg....

BLANE
Shut the fuck up. I gotta concentrate. Come on, you muthah, come on.

CHOCOLATE
Okay, you asks for it. Gives me that knife.

(SHE goes to take it away from HIM)

BLANE
Get the fuck away from me.

(HE gives HER a push)

It's comin', by Christ, it's comin'.

CHOCOLATE
Who do you thinks you is pushin', mister? Now gives me that.

BLANE
I think I got it. I think… ah shit it broke.

CHOCOLATE
You broke the lock. Now we is really in it.

BLANE
No, my knife. I broke my knife. SHIT! I had this knife for years, since I was
twelve. I never lost it or nothin'. It's... all...broke.

CHOCOLATE
Well, don'ts go nuts. I buy you another one. Woulds serve you right if I didn't,
though...bein' so stupid.
 59

BLANE
(mutters)
All right, you old bastard. You're gonna give me that key, you're gonna give me
that key....and then I'm gonna fix your ass but good.

CHOCOLATE
What you ravin' about now?

BLANE
(pause. looks around)

This old barn is sure a long way from anything, ain't it? I bet you can't hear no
noises for blocks.

CHOCOLATE
What you mean? What you thinkin'?

(BLANE just looks at CHOCOLATE)

CHOCOLATE
Oh, gives me a break. You is really flippin' out now, honey.

BLANE
There ain't gonna be nothin' to it. He comes down the stairs. You catch his
attention and

(picking up Oscar)

Bop...once lightly across the old skull.

CHOCOLATE
Oh, please...!

(takes Oscar and replaces it)

BLANE
We take that thing to your fence friend on the strip, and tomorrow we’re in
Mexico. And by the time he wakes up, if he wakes up…

CHOCOLATE
What you mean...if?

BLANE
If he don't, it ain't really no loss to the world, is it?
 60

CHOCOLATE
Okay, is enough cops and robbers already. Madre de dios, has you lost your
mind?

BLANE
I ain't afraid of him. I ain't afraid of nobody that gives me shit.

CHOCOLATE
Well, how afraid is you of gas chamber? Cause in California that's what they does
to peoples whats…

BLANE
He has spent all night givin' me shit.' Nobody.. NOBODY gives me shit.' I told
you that ten million times. Well, now you're gonna find out that I mean what I
say.

CHOCOLATE
You is really a nut case, ain't you? You is all set to go to San Quentin where they
gonna chokes you with gas till you is dead....

BLANE
You ain't scarin' me....

CHOCOLATE
...dead and no comin' back. And all over ten bucks worth of glass....

BLANE
...It's real. I'd bet my ass it's....

CHOCOLATE
And hurts...maybe even kills some poor old man what has never hurt nobody.

BLANE
HE FUCKED WITH ME! HE GAVE ME SHIT!

CHOCOLATE
Mr. John Dillinger of the Boulevard. Ha! He don'ts need to gives you no shit
cause you is already full of it up to you ears. Now cuts out all this punk, butch
flappin' you jaws before I…

BLANE
I ain't flappin' my jaws.' I don't take it. I don't.

(goes to HER)
 61

Listen, you asshole, not two months ago I stuck four inches of blade into my best
friend's guts cause he turned on me.' So if you think I'm gonna take it from some
high-horse fairy who...

CHOCOLATE
What you mean, you stuck you best friend?

BLANE
Just what I said. I wouldn't even take it from him. So I ain't afraid of no....

CHOCOLATE
Come here.

(SHE grabs him)

I saids come here.'

BLANE
(pulling away)

Don't you NEVER touch me like that if you know what 's..

CHOCOLATE
I wants to know what you was talkin' about just now. Is you on the level or is this
another one of you bullshit stories?

BLANE
You don't gotta know nothin' about it. All you gotta know is…

CHOCOLATE
Is that why the cops is lookin' for you? Is it? TELL ME.

BLANE
It's...it's none of your business.

CHOCOLATE
Gets you coat.

BLANE
What the...?

CHOCOLATE
I said gets you coat. We is gonna go home and have a nice, long talk abouts what
I don't gotta know nothin' about. Chocolate no likes bullshit lies. I hads that all my
life. And if I finds out you stuck somebody just because you was pissed off you is
leavin' my house tonight for good. Now gets you coat.
 62

BLANE
I ain't goin' nowhere.

CHOCOLATE
(pause)

Is that what you is all about? Is you really one of them street punks what stabs
somebody what ain't done nothin'?

BLANE
He did plenty. My best friend since I was six and I done everythin' he ever
wanted. Always there.. .always doin' things...puttin' myself out. I....forget it.

CHOCOLATE
Just keeps goin', mister, if you wants a place to sleep tonight.

BLANE
And he starts messin' with some whore who bangs everybody. Says he loves her.
And she's shittin' all over him. And he ain't got no time for his best friend
anymore.. no time for his friend that's seen him through everythin': So I tells him
about it...her bein' a whore and everythin'. Does he thank me..."Hey,
Blane...you're my best friend, buddy...always." Does he do that?

(pause)

He calls me a…names. And nobody' calls me names. So he got what was comin'
and now that old fuck is gonna get the same thing.

CHOCOLATE
Okay. I seen this before. Maybe we cans straightens it out. But you is gonna get
you coat and leaves this house right now, or....

BLANE
NO.' I'm gonna get that thing in that drawer. Then they can all go to hell....

CHOCOLATE
Or I is gonna call the cops. Takes you choice.

BLANE
You know what? You ain't never gonna be a woman, Chocolate.

CHOCOLATE
Just puts you coat on and buttons you mouth.
 63

BLANE
You ain't never gonna be a woman, 'cause you got the chance to do somethin'
about it sittin' right here and you ain't got the guts to grab it. You ain't never
gonna be nothin' except just what you are. Half and half. A freak.

CHOCOLATE
NOW YOU SHUT UP!

BLANE
Whatsa matter? Don't like the sound of what you are? Freak! Freak!

CHOCOLATE
Mira Pendejo.' Tu no sabes nada.'

(TEMPLETON appears at the top of the stairs. HE is in a black suit with his hand
covering his throat).

TEMPLETON
Boys. Boys

CHOCOLATE
(ignoring TEMPLETON)

Soy mujer, me oyes? Una verdadera mujer... Soy joven y bella.'

TEMPLETON
(loud)

BOYS!

(CHOCOLATE and BLANE both look up at TEMPLETON)

TEMPLETON
Stop what you're doing. And don't try to feign innocence. You think I don't know
of your plans? You come here with honey on your lips and murder in your heart.
And you will be punished.

(A long pause, then TEMPLETON smiles and removes his hand from his throat to reveal
he is wearing a clerical collar.)

CHOCOLATE
(Rolls her eyes, aware this is another movie character)

Oh.

(Then, To BLANE)
 64

Tu eres un bicho bastardo.' Tu no apprecias nada.' Te recogi de la calle, ahora tu

me insultas de esta manera.....

(During this tirade, TEMPLETON makes the sign of the cross and begins to pray in Latin
as counterpoint to CHOCOLATE)

TEMPLETON
In nomine Patri et Fili et spiritous sancti. Oremus. Pater Noster…

BLANE
Cussin’ in Spanish ain’t gonna make it any better you freak!

CHOCOLATE
Tu vida no es nada.' Porque no te vas pal carajo. Bete pal Carajo como el puerco
que eres

After a moment, their voices are overtaken by the loudspeaker system of the Theater as it
begins an old vocal recording of "You Ought To Be In Pictures." Simultaneously, the
lights fade to

BLACKOUT

END OF ACT I
 65

ACT II

Same Time
Same Place
A moment later.

CHOCOLATE

(continuing HER tirade at BLANE)

BASTA.' Sin me tu fueras come mierda.' You understands me? I said...you

understands me?

BLANE

I didn't and I don't give a fuck what you said

CHOCOLATE

I saids without me you woulds be a turd in the gutter.

BLANE

I'd still be a man...who knows he's a man.

CHOCOLATE

You starts showin' some respect or else. I am woman…

BLANE

Why don't you cram it in your …

CHOCOLATE

Or you be out in the streets. OUT, you understands?

TEMPLETON

Now, Boys....

CHOCOLATE

I am not boy! Never calls me that. Never.

 66

BLANE

When are you gonna climb off it. A man is what you are whether like you it or not
and that's just what you're gonna be until the day you die.

TEMPLETON

Must the two of you shout like this?

CHOCOLATE

I'm sorry, Mr. Templeton...but sometimes he act just like what he is…teeny, tiny
little baby-boy what needs to be slapped by his mama.

BLANE

And while we're at it, just knock off that "mama" shit once and for all. For
Christ's sake, who the hell do you think you're foolin? Who? You look like a
halfback. And look at those feet...If they ain't a size 12, I'll kiss your ass.

CHOCOLATE

Nine and a half!

BLANE

Bullshit. Nobody is ever gonna think you're a woman, with or without any god
damned operation. All you're ever gonna look like is Cassius Clay in hot pants.

(TEMPLETON laughs out loud)

CHOCOLATE

And what you laughin' at?

TEMPLETON

Nothing... just…well, Cassius Clay…

BLANE

Face it, Chocolate...all you are is half spic and half nigger...period.
 67

CHOCOLATE
No! My Mother was a Spic and my Father was a Nigger, but I am Elizabeth
Taylor!

(TEMPLETON erupts into full-blown laughter, as does BLANE)

CHOCOLATE
ELIZABETH TAYLOR!

TEMPLETON
I am sorry, my dear. It's just that....

(starts laughing again)

CHOCOLATE

Well, that's what I am and ain't nobody gonna tell me no different - not no Kansas
shitkicker and....and not no old man what likes to play dress-up.

TEMPLETON

Well, I certainly stand chastised, don't I?

BLANE
Don’t you fuckin’ call me a shit kicker.

CHOCOLATE

(to BLANE)

Just spare me you tired, butch rap.

(to TEMPLETON)

And you.....From him I expects this tacky stuff, but from you...I guess I should
knows better. Everybody is the same. Nobody is different. Don’t matter how
much money you got.

TEMPLETON

Some are different. Some have manners. For instance a lady would never swear
like a truck driver when she’s a guest in someone’s house.
 68

CHOCOLATE
(Pause, then, quietly)
I thinks maybe you should does you business with Blane, here....

(to BLANE)

And then we goes home...right home, right away...period.

TEMPLETON

I already informed your friend, here, that this evening will proceed at my leisure
and it will. After all, I am....

CHOCOLATE

After all you is payin' for it, ain't you? Sure you is. You is payin' for peoples to
listen to your... so many interesting stories. Oh, yes...goes right ahead, Mr.
Templeton. Everybody shoulds gets what they has to pay for....ain't that right?

TEMPLETON
Exactly. Now…

(he pours more drinks)

Here, my dear...will you have another?

CHOCOLATE

I don'ts need nothin' from you. Not after you talks to me like that.

(pause as she looks over the costume Templeton is wearing, then)

Where you get this one from? Was you extra in THE NUN’S STORY?

TEMPLETON
This is Father Anthony from THE COMING GLORY.

(starting into a story)

My first talking picture. Father Anthony was a ghetto Priest, ministering to the
needs of a gang of juvenile delinquents. He runs afoul of the Bishop because...

BLANE

Because of how he fags it up with the kids in the back of the church?
 69

(BLANE snorts a laugh)

TEMPLETON

(an icy silence, then..)

There's that word again. You have a most extraordinary fondness for that word.

BLANE

What's that supposed to mean?

TEMPLETON
(to CHOCOLATE)

You say I have a lot of interesting stories. Well, here's one hardly anyone knows.
Maria Del Fuego's real name was Esther Johnson. She was from New
York...Harlem. But when she got here she changed her name and adopted what
ultimately became a quite convincing Spanish accent. Between that and her light
skin she carved herself a very nice career.

(turning to BLANE)

But she lived in constant fear that people would find out who and what she really
was. And no one hated "niggers" more than Maria. She wouldn't even have
colored servants.

BLANE

What the hell are you sayin', old man?

TEMPLETON

If the shoe fits…

BLANE

I'm a man, you old son of a bitch. And you can't take that, can you? You can't take
it that some men really are men.

TEMPLETON

Of course you are. You even have a tattoo to prove it. That is what it's there for,
isn't it...to prove it?
 70

BLANE

It's there because I…

TEMPLETON

Or to convince yourself of it, perhaps.

BLANE

Are you sayin' I'm a fag...cause if you are...

TEMPLETON

If I am then at least one of us would be telling the truth.

(BLANE lunges at TEMPLETON, but CHOCOLATE intercedes, stopping him before he

can reach TEMPLETON. She physically holds him back during the next.)

TEMPLETON
Control yourself.

CHOCOLATE

Mr. Templeton, that enough. No more now, please.

TEMPLETON
(to BLANE)

We used to have an old expression. I don't hear it much anymore. It

went..."today's trade is tomorrow's competition."

CHOCOLATE
(now physically restraining BLANE)

No. Calms down honey. Mr. Templeton, you better stops. I means it. You don'ts
know what you is playin' with here.

TEMPLETON

I know very well. Qur young friend is just discovering that there's one ancient
hound who still has a few teeth.
 71

BLANE

You bastard.

TEMPLETON

And a damned accurate bite, it seems.

BLANE

(furiously trying to break away from CHOCOLATE)

I'll kick your ass into next week.

CHOCOLATE

No! Calms down, now.

BLANE

(still trying to get at TEMPLETON)

I'll kill you, you old mother fucker.

CHOCOLATE

Listens to me, now. Listens. I wants you to go upstairs for a few minutes and runs
cold rag over you face...just like I always does for you when you gets too nervous.

BLANE

Let go of me, Chocolate.

CHOCOLATE

Do like I says. And here…

(CHOCOLATE slips BLANE a joint)

…haves this. And you calms down, okay? Just do like Chocolate ask. Please.
Okay? (BLANE has stopped struggling) Then we is goin' home…home to our
room and gets a good nights sleep and talks about everythin' in the morning when
we boths feel better. And everythin' is gonna work out okay. Chocolate promise.
 72

And don'ts worry about rents money. Some queens on the boulevard owes
Chocolate.

BLANE

Fuck that Chocolate, this bastard promised me two hundred bucks.

TEMPLETON

For services rendered young man. No services, no payment.

BLANE
I’ll give you services old man…

CHOCOLATE
Please, darling. Just goes and calms down and we leaves. Is nothin' for us
here...nothing.

(BLANE says nothing for the moment. HE then turns and walks toward the stairs.)

CHOCOLATE

Thank you, darling. You is doin' the right thing.

(BLANE turns and begins to interject a remark to TEMPLETON)

CHOCOLATE

(cutting him off...fast)

Darling. Please, now. Just do like Chocolate ask...please.

(BLANE turns and continues up the stairs)

TEMPLETON

Excuse me, but I do have many valuable possessions upstairs. Don't force me to
ask you to empty your pockets when you come down.

BLANE

Are you tellin' me I'm a thief, too?

 73

TEMPLETON

Are you telling me you're not?

BLANE

(starts back down)

There you go again, you old....

CHOCOLATE

Darling...pays no attention. He's a nuts old man. Chocolate makes it up to you.

TEMPLETON

I am merely trying to protect my…

CHOCOLATE

(to BLANE)

Just go on up.

(BLANE gives TEMPLETON a withering look, turns and walks up the stairs.)

CHOCOLATE

(to TEMPLETON)

Does you wants to get hurt? Is that what you after? Cause that's what you gonna
get if you keeps up with him like this Now just leaves him alone.

TEMPLETON

I only…
CHOCOLATE

Please don'ts say anything. Nothin' you cans say is gonna make no difference
now. When he comes back, we goes…period.

TEMPLETON

If you wish to leave I perfectly understand. But the young man and I have an
arraignment, one that I expect him to hold up.
 74

CHOCOLATE
Mr. Templeton that deal is done and over with.

TEMPLETON
Is that the kind of reputation you wish for him to have, someone who makes
promises and never delivers? Someone who is too much trouble to be bothered
with? Word can spread rather quickly about things like that. And that can’t be
very good for business.

CHOCOLATE
You wouldn’ts…

TEMPLETON
I don’t have much influence in the world at large, but in certain circles my
opinion still carries some weight.

(CHOCOLATE ponders this for a moment)

Besides, it would be a shame having the party break up this early.

CHOCOLATE
Party? This what you call a party? Lets me tell you something, honey. If this the
way you treated peoples at you parties in the old days, I surprised you had any
friends at all.

TEMPLETON

What was I supposed to do, let him berate me at will all evening? I know others
enjoy that, but not me.

CHOCOLATE
I tolds you, he gets tacky you let me handle it... OK, he stays. We both stays. But
when he comes down you two gets down to business and then we leaves.

TEMPLETON
I told you this party is on my terms.

CHOCOLATE
Mr. Templeton the gate she swings both ways. I gots some influence in certain
circles too and if you don’t wants this to be your last party you betters meet me
here on this.

(TEMPLETON stares at CHOCOLATE for a moment, taking her measure)

 75

TEMPLETON
Agreed.

CHOCOLATE
And I wants apology.

TEMPLETON
Apology?

CHOCOLATE
For the way yous insult me with you laughin. Was no need for that.

TEMPLETON
You are correct. I am sorry. Truly, truly sorry.
.
CHOCOLATE
Better

TEMPLETON

And I suppose I have been less than charming to him, too.

CHOCOLATE

Look it don't matter.

TEMPLETON

(pours another drink)

I don’t want to wind up killing this bottle by myself. It is such good scotch. Are
you sure you wouldn’t care for another one?

CHOCOLATE
You really is gonna get sick if you keeps drinking that stuff. Look, if you gots to
get wasted, why not tries some of this?

(SHE pulls a joint from her purse)

It not make you sick like booze.

 76

TEMPLETON
Thank you, but I’m afraid that all marijuana does is make me sleepy. But feel free
if you like to indulge.

(CHOCOLATE accepts the offer and lights up the joint)

He is really very beautiful. It is difficult for me to... bargain with the beautiful
anymore. They hold all the aces, you see. It is...sometimes very frustrating.
Perhaps I make up for it by...behaving badly sometimes. Please believe me when I
tell you that once we all would have had a grand time at one of my parties.

CHOCOLATE

I don’ts mean to be rude, but well....well, there ain't no law what says you gots to
pick up hustlers. I'm sorry, darling, but that is true.

TEMPLETON

Yes, it's very true.

(takes another drink - pause)

You know, there was a time, though, when it was not an unpleasant experience at
all.

CHOCOLATE

(More interested in the joint than Templeton)

Is that so?

TEMPLETON

Oh, yes. You see, for the first few years after my Mike and I were...no longer
together, I didn't socialize much...not in that sense, anyway...no one could ever,
ever have taken his place...but finally I needed something. Please, my dear. This
is not another story. It is important to me that you understand.

(CHOCOLATE turns and looks at him)

 77

TEMPLETON
There was a wonderful place up on the strip just after the war... "The Gilded
Coach" it was called. Full of handsome young gentlemen. When I would arrive all
heads would turn... "It's Frederick Templeton ... You know...he was a big movie
star.” And the young gentlemen would all straighten their ties... they wore ties.
And I would invariably leave with a most...wonderful companion for the evening.
And, my dear...when we arrived back here... "let me fix you a drink, Mr.
Templeton…oh, you're as handsome as ever, Mr. Templeton....What?…a few
moments performance from one of your films?... Mr. Templeton, I'd be honored."
It was not Mike. It was not the life I had known. But it was some small
consolation. Of course, in the morning, I would tender a certain...sum. More like
an honorarium, really. They all behaved as though it were an honor to be in my
home. There is...nothing of that anymore. As the years have gone on I’ve found it
harder and harder to accept the situation as it stands. Hollywood, the one I knew,
is gone. The Gilded Coach has become just another seedy bar in another seedy
neighborhood. The handsome young gentlemen in ties have become scruffy
vagrants looking for a quick score.

(CHOCOLATE starts to interject, but TEMPLETON presses on)

For years they have cared little for me. I can feel it. What they can feel is
that...need...I have for them. They spit it right back at me. They mock me.

(TEMPLETON takes another drink)

None' of them remember, you see. They are all too young now and I am just too,
too old. And that is the truth. The passing of years is the truth.

(another drink)

Whoever said "beauty is truth and truth is beauty?" Whoever it was, it's nonsense.
The truth is not beautiful...and beauty wants nothing to do with the truth.

CHOCOLATE

And you thinks feelin' sorry for youself is gonna make it any better?

TEMPLETON
I’m not feeling sorry for myself my dear; I’m merely stating the reality. Our
friend Blane is just the last stop on the journey begun so long ago.

CHOCOLATE
What you mean, last stop?
 78

TEMPLETON

Did I say last? I’m sorry, I meant latest.

(CHOCOLATE considers this. TEMPLETON takes another drink and grimaces)

CHOCOLATE

You really is gonna get sick. Look, you sure you nots want a hit of this?

(SHE offers him the joint)

TEMPLETON

Oh, no thank you.

CHOCOLATE

It not make you sick like booze, just make everythin' real peaceful.

TEMPLETON

No, it really would just make me go to sleep. I don't wish to do that yet.

CHOCOLATE

Suits youself.

(pause)

You doesn't mind if I smokes, do you? I didn'ts think to ask.

TEMPLETON

Heavens no. Why, back in the old days, the top of this coffee table used to look
like a snowbank from all the cocaine.

CHOCOLATE

You joking.
TEMPLETON
Not hardly, my dear. I remember Evelyn Mills used to smoke a few bowls of
opium with a little “cokie” chaser and dance naked at the top of the stairs while
men stuffed hundred dollar bills into the most interesting places.
 79

(HE laughs)

Oh, this house used to be so…filled.

CHOCOLATE

Come on, now. You is feelin' sorry again.

TEMPLTON

Not at all. Just remembering.

CHOCOLATE
It was a different world then, honey.

(pause)

Wonder what happen to him in there, he fall in?

TEMPLETON
Is my company so dull?

CHOCOLATE
Oh no darling, it ain’t that at all.

TEMPLETON
I’m just trying to explain why I have become, how should I put this, over anxious
with visitors. I do have a bit of difficulty inviting people to my home these days.

CHOCOLATE
You ain't exactly a hermit. Remember, I knows lots of the boys from the bar what
has been here.

TEMPLETON
True enough, but things seem to have escalated in a downhill slide over the last
few years.
CHOCOLATE
Everybody know that honey. You know what it is don’t you? Is all this hippie
shit. At least five years ago the boys used to wears cleans clothes and takes a bath.
Now…
 80

TEMPLETON
Yes I know. Acne and bad breath have inherited Hollywood.

CHOCOLATE
Yes, darling. And free love is what’s sold to the highest bidder.

TEMPLETON
Very well put.

CHOCOLATE
(pleased with herself for her insight)

It is, ain’t it?

(pause)

I hates to admit it darling, but you is right. Even when I first cames to the
boulevard, that bar used to have TV producers in there every night. The boys used
to meet very nice mens what would take them home and buy them clothes and
cars and lives with them and everything. No more. Who wants to take a boy to
dinner when he smells.

TEMPLETON
They don’t wish to be taken to dinner anymore. Why bother with some “old
mother has been” when you can “get two quickies on Selma, same thing”. So
short sighted.

CHOCOLATE
That’s what I keeps trying to tell Blane. But he won’t listen. They don’ts listen no
more. No respect. I keeps trying to tells Blane how he coulds have so much if he
woulds just do it my way, but…maybe you is right, maybe it has changed too
much. Maybe you just has to takes it or leaves it the way it is.

TEMPLETON
I prefer to leave it.

CHOCOLATE

Now don't starts that again....

TEMPLETON
The last one before tonight was about a month ago. Nick was his name. I don't
usually remember their names, but I shall never forget Nicks'.
 81

CHOCOLATE

Why?

TEMPLETON
Well destruction was Nick’s specialty as it turned out to my very unpleasant
surprise. Bodily destruction. You can see his signature in that gouge on the
fireplace. Nicks mockery of my need took a rather violent and active form. Had it
not been for the sound of a police siren in the street outside, I don’t know what
would have happened. This seemed to panic Nick and he fled out the door with
my wallet.

CHOCOLATE
I don’ts know nothing about peoples likes that…Nick.

TEMPLETON
Is Blane so different?

CHOCOLATE
Now true he is tacky and rude and dumb sometimes, but that don’t mean he is
bad.

TEMPLETON
I’m sure.

CHOCOLATE
Don’ts be funny. He just needs to be loved, you know? Really they is all just like
that. You gots to tries and understand them if they is going to change they ways,
that’s all honey.

TEMPLETON
Come to think of it, Nick also had a tattoo. Am I generalizing, or are the ones with
tattoos particularly prone to destruction?

CHOCOLATE
(says nothing for a moment, then..)

Where is he anyway?
 82

(gets up and walks to edge of stairs.)

BLANE! Blane, hurry up. Is time to get going.

(SHE turns back to TEMPLETON. There is an uneasy silence)

CHOCOLATE

(finally)

Tell me, Mr. Templeton, was Maria Del Fuego really from Harlem?

TEMPLETON

Oh, yes. And the best kept secret in Hollywood. And as long as she was bringing
the customers in the secret was safe. When her career finally did begin to decline,
just before her death, the rumors began to spread. But it was her temperament
really that did her in, nothing else.

CHOCOLATE

She was....hard to get along with.

TEMPLETON

(laughs)

Kind of like Jack the Ripper, only less cooperative. She made me so angry
sometimes...not showing up for filming...wasting whole days while she lay in a
drugged stupor. Mike used to have to calm me down at the end of the day. He
hated cruelty to anyone. So gentle he was. Even to Maria. Perhaps especially to
her. He used to say..."be kind to her, Fred. She must have some very special
unhappiness."

CHOCOLATE

(looking at her picture)

I don'ts care how bad she was. I woulds have loved to meet her. She was so
beautiful. And looks at that waistline. Can'ts be no more than 21 or 22 inches

TEMPLETON

(looking at the picture)

 83

Yes. She must have been laying off the enchilladas when this was taken. She had
a fierce appetite for them, you know. It must have made her feel more Spanish.

CHOCOLATE

She ever have any kids?

TEMPLETON

Oh, heavens, no. Children were an anathema to stars in those days.

CHOCOLATE

Anathema?

TEMPLETON

A curse. Not wanted. Especially to Maria. She detested them. Used to pinch them
and make them cry when no one was looking.

CHOCOLATE

Then she was a witch. That is terrible to do to little kids.

TEMPLETON
I agree. I guess.

CHOCOLATE

Well, it is. You can'ts be mean to kids. That nobody can do. They is so innocent
and cute.

TEMPLETON

Yes, children can be nice. From a distance.

CHOCOLATE
They is nice from anywhere. And peoples bein' mean to them is the worst thing in
the world. I woulds give anything to…

TEMPLETON

To what?
 84

CHOCOLATE

I don'ts know, I …well, you knows...sometimes...sometimes I has this dream that

I is havin' a baby.

TEMPLETON

You can't be serious.

CHOCOLATE

Now don'ts make fun. I don'ts tell peoples this a lot. But in the dream they is
rushin' me to delivery room and I has all the pain and everythin' and finally the
Doctor says "oh, look, is a beautiful little..." and then - pop - I wakes up. Ain't that
somethin'?

TEMPLETON

Yes, fascinating.

CHOCOLATE

(laughs)

You sounds just like a shrink, you knows that?

(pause)

Is really the wakin' up part I hates. If I coulds just stay asleep one more little
minute, just one...then I coulds...

(CHOCOLATE looks at TEMPLETON for a moment. Nothing is said. She then laughs
nervously)

CHOCOLATE

Is the joint. Whenever I smokes I starts runnin off at the mouth.

TEMPLETON

Maybe you should give it up.

 85

CHOCOLATE

For what, scotch?

(pause)

That was mean. I am sorry. Sometimes, I…you know, Mr. Templeton, when I
closes my eyes I am a hundred and ten pounds. I ams five foot three and I got a
figure like Diana Ross. But when I opens them up…

TEMPLETON

Maybe you should just leave them closed all the time.

CHOCOLATE

Very clever. I thoughts you wasn't gonna makes fun of me no more.

TEMPLETON

Well, Good lord, don't get upset. I was just joking.

CHOCOLATE

Well, I ain't.' It just so happens is very serious for me.

TEMPLETON

Is it? Well, in that case, I do feel very sorry for you.

CHOCOLATE

Well, you cans keeps it. I am sorry I even broughts it up.

TEMPLETON
Now, listen....

CHOCOLATE

But I guess is just different with you and me. All you pissin' and moanin' abouts
how tough everythin' is for you. Well, you gots a couple of teeny things I don'ts
got, Mr. Templeton... like big house and lots of money and food in you belly
every day. I lives on welfare in crappy little room.
 86

TEMPLETON

That has nothing to do with this.

CHOCOLATE

It's got everythin' to do with this.' I can'ts go lockin' myself up in big palace and
lookin' at old movies and feelin' sorry for myself. I gots to face the real world
every day. Everybody gots their troubles, honey...so stop's actin' like you is the
only one.

TEMPLETON

Then face the world! Good God, do you ever listen to yourself? “I'm having a
baby. I close my eyes and I'm Diana Ross.” Dreams this and dreams that. Tell me,
do you ever spend any time awake?

CHOCOLATE
Oh gets off you high horse, Mr. Templeton and stops makin' speeches already.
When you was my age you hads everythin' you wanted. Big star in movies.'
Money all over the place.' Big shot friends.' So don'ts tell me. Cause you had it
all, honey.

TEMPLETON

Yes, I certainly did, didn't I? More than you will ever know. In fact, in 1930 I
signed a new contract with Goldstein International the likes of which had never
been seen in this town before. You see, (gesturing to pictures on the desk) I was
the only one of them who tested well for sound films. The only one who didn't
sound like a chimpanzee in heat. And they were fiendishly jealous. And such
good reason they had.' Such a contract. Ironclad. No options to lay me off. More
money than anyone had ever dared to dream of before. Frederick
Templeton...from pies in the face to the top of the heap. Paradise insured.

CHOCOLATE
There, you see. So....

TEMPLETON
Until three of my pictures in a row lost money. Until the bankers came banging on
Goldstein’s door wanting to know why those pictures lost money. He had to come
up with a reason, a scapegoat if you will. And I was offered up to the great god of
financial statement, a sacrificial lamb led to the slaughter. Michael and I were led
up to that great polished desk of his.

(mimics Goldstein)
 87

“I am shocked, Frederick and Michael…shocked to discover that the two of you

have set up a perverse and unnatural housekeeping arrangement with each other.
This is in direct violation of the morals clause of your contracts. You are both
terminated as of today. Get out. No, no don’t try to lie. I have a statement here…a
signed sworn statement by an eyewitness as to what goes on in that…house of
yours. And I can get as many more as I need.” It was such nonsense. And not
even very well delivered. Someone later told me he had a junior screenwriter
script it out for him.

CHOCOLATE
I don’ts understand then. Why would he…

TEMPLETON
Because he wanted to terminate me. Terminate. End. Finish. That statement
finally gave him the ammunition he needed. Not just with his studio, but with all
the studios. And he could hardly fire me and leave my lover on the payroll.

CHOCOLATE
Didn’t nobody ask where you goes?

TEMPLETON
I don’t think anybody bothered. I was yesterday’s news and there is nothing less
interesting than yesterday’s news.

CHOCOLATE
But your fans…

TEMPLETON
Secretaries and shop assistants. Women who for the price of admission could lose
themselves in the fantasy of an elegant affair and leave behind the reality of their
uncaring husbands or non-existent boyfriends. There weren’t enough of them, or
at least there weren’t enough who bought tickets. And if they did send letters of
protest at my disappearance those letters were lost in the flood of fan mail for the
new fantasies, the Cagneys, the Bogarts, the ones who could project a rough-hewn
image for a more desperate time. Elegance had been replaced with unintelligible
muttering.
 88

CHOCOLATE
And your friends run away cause they afraid for their jobs.

TEMPLETON
Quite so. Only it wasn’t enough for most of them to run, they had to lead the
pack. Billy Maxfield and Evelyn Mills joined a committee to rid Hollywood of
perverts and other unwholesome elements. Eva St. Clair and Warren Manners
made great shows of walking out of nightclubs and restaurants mid meal if I
happened to walk through the door; especially if Mike was with me.

(pause. He picks up Lillian’s picture)

Ahh, but Lillian. Lillian whom I loved. Who was in love with me. It was she who
signed the sworn statement.

CHOCOLATE
What?

TEMPLETON
She was the one most captivated by all of it; the attention, the fawning. Oh she
made a great show of playing humble, but when you got right down to it she was
the one who needed the spotlights more than any of us. So when Goldstein came
to her and said sign the paper and you’ll be playing society matrons when you’re
sixty-five or don’t and you’re out on your ass with the two of them, she gave little
thought to friendship or love or much of anything beyond herself.

(Chocolate rises and takes the picture of Lillian from Templeton. She stares for a moment
at the face in the frame, then spits on it)

CHOCOLATE
Bitch.

(Templeton takes the picture back, pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes the
picture, all very calmly)

TEMPLETON
She was put in an untenable position.

CHOCOLATE

And you lover...dids he leave you too?

 89

TEMPLETON

After a while. You see, gentle Mike, he became very despondent. Strangely so,
more than I. It wasn't the job or the money. He just could not tolerate the cruelty.
Well, one day he just...shot himself, you know. Just...shot himself…and...

(TEMPLETON's voice trails off)

CHOCOLATE
Oh my god, my god.

TEMPLETON
(picking up Academy Award)

He won this you know.

CHOCOLATE
But you said…

TEMPLETON
I said it belongs to me and it does.

(reading from the base of the award)

Michael O’Brien…Outstanding Achievement in Cinematography. His funeral

party consisted of the undertaker, three employees of the crematorium and myself.
Couldn’t even get a minister. In any event, it was all a very long time ago.

CHOCOLATE

Oh honey, it must have felts so terrible.

TEMPLETON

If you want to know the truth it didn’t feel like anything at first. I just shut it all
out for months. And when that didn’t work anymore I would close my eyes for
hours on end and pretend that it wasn’t so. Just like you my dear. But when I
opened them again, there was the reality, the reality that I was alone and had
nothing. I was outcast and despised.

CHOCOLATE

I know what that is honey.

 90

TEMPLETON

Do you? Then you know that once they despise you there is nothing else they can
do to you. So I went on living. I bought property with the money I had saved,
property that over the years has turned into most of what is now called North
Hollywood. And over the years I started to go out more and more. I arranged for
tickets to all the big premieres and went to every single one of them. How the
jaws would drop when I walked in. And the backs would turn. No matter. You see
there is one advantage to having money as opposed to fame. Doors stay open to
money no matter what, while the doors that fame open gradually close. Long after
they were all relegated to anonymously feeding pigeons from the park bench, I
was still attending benefits. Long after their names had escaped the memory of the
public at large, my name was still at the top of the donor list for every charity and
good cause in southern California.

CHOCOLATE
Well brava for you darling. Yous got all that you want. And now they is all dead
and you is still alive. You win.

TEMPLETON
I win? That’s not winning my dear, that’s merely endurance. Anyone can endure
if they put they’re mind to it. Winning requires a bit more.

CHOCOLATE
What more?

(A soap ball comes flying onstage and we hear the voice of BLANE offstage)

BLANE
Curve ball. Strike one.

(another soap ball is hurled onstage)

High and outside. The count is one and one.

(BLANE enters carrying a gold leaf dish filled with multi-colored soap balls. He is calm
and deliberate, with none of his former hysteria)

The white Bob Gibson. The Dodgers oughta sign me up.

CHOCOLATE
Whatsa matter with you? Are you nuts?

BLANE
No, I’m the white Bob Gibson.
 91

CHOCOLATE
Madre de Dios. Was mistake giving you joint.

BLANE
(ignoring CHOCOLATE he hurls another soap ball which lands at TEMPELTON’S feet)

Low. Two and one.

CHOCOLATE
All right. Now puts that down right now and…

BLANE
Chocolate, I got an idea. Why don’t you go fuck yourself?

CHOCOLATE
You wants slap in the face? Is that what you wants?

BLANE
And in this corner, wearin’ red satin hotpants and eye makeup, Cassius Clay.

TEMPLETON
What are you doing with those?
BLANE
Throwin’ em. What does it look like?

TEMPLETON
Well, put them down please.

BLANE
You know since I got here in Hollywood, I musta had maybe twenty johns. Fat
old fags, bald old fags, old fags from Hollywood to Santa Monica.

TEMPLETON
Young man…

BLANE
But all of these old fags had one thing in common. You guessed it. A femmy little
dish of perfumed soap balls on the back of the toilet. Now what can you do with
these teeny little soap balls. I mean you can’t take a shower with them, too small.
Besides…

(sniffing one)

…who but an old fairy would want to smell like this? So I smoked my joint and
thought about it.
 92

CHOCOLATE
I have hads enough…

BLANE
And what I thought is…all you really can do with ‘em is throw ‘em.

(he pitches one at CHOCOLATE, which barely misses)

Outside. Three and one.

CHOCOLATE
You askin’ for it…

BLANE
Wouldn’t it be great to have a whole case of these? Then you could throw them
all day.

(BLANE tosses three or four into the air)

Kinda like hail, ain’t it? Whoops, you don’t know what hail is out here in
Hollywood, do you?

(he pitches one in TEMPLETON’S direction)

Fastball. Three and two.

TEMPLETON
Stop this right now.

BLANE
Or else what?

(BLANE hurls the last ball viciously at TEMPLETON, striking him in the leg)

Right in there. Strike three, you’re out. So how about it, Mr. Templeton?

TEMPLETON
How about what?

BLANE
It. You know…it. Business. You see Mr. Templeton, I’m starting to feel a little
tired.

(BLANE smashes the dish on the floor)

 93

Kinda impatient, you know? We got a deal here and we’re both gonna live up to
it, ain’t we?

TEMPLETON

Yes.

BLANE

Good.

(BLANE begins to move towards TEMPLETON)

TEMPLETON

But you want your money, don't you? I wouldn't want you to feel as though I
were going to cheat you.

BLANE

Where is it?

TEMPLETON

I have it. Just as we agreed. If you will excuse me for a moment.

(TEMPLETON starts for the stairs)

BLANE

Where the hell are you goin' now?

TEMPLETON

To get the fee. Two hundred dollars. It's upstairs. You don't suppose I keep loose
cash lying around, do you?

(TEMPLETON starts up the stairs. He stumbles)

TEMPLETON

Please forgive me. I don't drink this much very often.

 94

BLANE

Just get the money and everything will be fine.

TEMPLETON

I will be back shortly.

BLANE

I'll be right here.

(TEMPLETON goes up the stairs)

CHOCOLATE

Pendejo! No wonder you never brings home no money.

BLANE

He just went upstairs to get the money.

CHOCOLATE

Well, you is goddamed lucky is all I can say.

BLANE

All right. Cool it.

CHOCOLATE

I didn't gives you that joint so you coulds act like gangster. Was supposed to
calm you down.

BLANE

But I am calm. You're the one who's doin' all the yellin'..
CHOCOLATE
Whaddya expects? Carryin' on like that. Smashin' his dish on the floor. Do you
ever thinks about what you is doin'?

BLANE

Course. That's all I done in there. Think. Just smoked and thought.
 95

CHOCOLATE

Oh, you dids, did you? Well, that sure is a first.

BLANE

Don't make fun of me anymore, okay? You ain't gonna make fun of me no more.
Or yell at me. Or any of that shit.

CHOCOLATE

Well, somebody gots to try and tells you the right way to do things....

BLANE

You ain't my mother. You ain't. Christ! You are a man. If you tried acting like
one you might even get used to it.

CHOCOLATE

(laughs)

Well maybe you cans teach me how when you starts you big, he-man Karate joint.

BLANE

And stop laughin' at what I want to do. Everybody laughs at what I want to do.
Like it can't happen. Like it ain't real. You're the one that ain't real.

CHOCOLATE

Don'ts you go startin' in on that again, now.

BLANE

I ain't gonna argue with you no more, so don't worry. In fact, I ain't gonna do
nothin' with you no more. I musta been out of my skull to get hooked up with you
in the first place.

CHOCOLATE

(hurt)

Well, fine. You cans leave any time. There ain't no ball and chain on you leg.
 96

BLANE

Do you know that for sixty-seven nights I been sleepin' in the same bed with you?
I counted 'em. Every one of 'em. Because it's made me want to puke every single
night.

CHOCOLATE

It's sixty seven nights you ain't been in the gutter, mister. Thinks about it that
way.

BLANE

I was thinkin'. I can't even remember the last time I talked to a girl. You know,
sat and rapped and made the right moves...and touched...and kissed. And went for
a walk. And maybe found a nice, quiet place. Can't remember for the life of me.

CHOCOLATE

So talk to a girl. Last time I looked there was plenty of 'em in L.A.

BLANE

But out here...out where you live there ain't no tellin' what's under their skirts, is
there?

CHOCOLATE

So goes back to Kansas with you hayseed girlfriends. Is where you belongs.

BLANE

No, I don't. There's where I go to jail. There's where that son of a bitch gets out
of the hospital and laughs at me rottin' in jail while he screws that girl. No, that
ain't the place for me.

CHOCOLATE

What you mean gets out of the hospital? I thoughts you killed him with that
knife.

BLANE

I.. .not exactly....

 97

CHOCOLATE

You didn'ts kill him, did you?

BLANE

I never said that I did...exactly.

CHOCOLATE

But you lets me think you did. You know what? I thinks you is a very sick little
boy, honey.

BLANE

Oh, that's good. You stand there dressed up like a chick and tell me how sick I
am. You drag me around and pimp me off to any old cocksucker with fifty
bucks...and you tell me how sick I am.

CHOCOLATE

What I'm tellin' you is you better gets off you high horse and tellin' these stupid
butch lies abouts fuckin' people up. Peoples gonna thinks you gots some loose
screws. Believe me, I seen lots of 'em just like you come and go, darling.

BLANE

Well, now you can see me go. To Mexico. Tonight.

CHOCOLATE

Fine. Is fine with me. But how does you plan on eatin' when you gets there, Mr.
Tough?

BLANE

(tugging on the desk drawer)

Oh, that ain't gonna be no problem. No problem at all.

CHOCOLATE

Oh, you is back on that again, is you? Well, I tolds you, is nothin' but a piece
of…
 98

BLANE

I know what you told me and it's bullshit! It's gotta be worth somethin'. In fact, I
been thinkin' that a lot of the shit in this old joint is worth somethin'.

CHOCOLATE

You probably right. Tells you what. Why don'ts you just haul a movin' van up to
the front door?

BLANE

That ain't gonna be necessary. That great big car of his in the driveway is gonna
hold an awful lot.

CHOCOLATE

Mmm. San Quentin is big, too. Holds an awful lotta punks like you.

BLANE

Not me.

CHOCOLATE

So you gonna loads his car up and just drives right across the border.

BLANE

That's right.

CHOCOLATE

Oh, good. Why you not just tell him what you wants and maybe he offer to drive.

BLANE

He ain't gonna be able to drive nothin'.

CHOCOLATE

What are you talkin' about?

 99

BLANE

He's gonna get what he's been lookin' for all night. And you're gonna stay outa my
way unless you wanna get it right along with him.

CHOCOLATE

(pause)

Okay. I'm gonna call a cab and we is goin' back home. Then we can talks about
everythin'.

(CHOCOLATE starts for the phone)

BLANE

You keep away from that.

(CHOCOLATE picks up the phone and dials.)

CHOCOLATE

Good, is ringing.

(BLANE runs to the desk and viciously yanks the phone from her hand. He then gives her
a shove and she falls to the floor)

BLANE

I said stay outa my way. This time it ain't gonna fuck up. This time nobody is
gonna mess it up for me. I been thinkin' about this all the time I was in there and
now I'm gonna do it and you ain't gonna get in my way.

CHOCOLATE

No, I ain'ts gonna lets you. If I gots to use my bare hands, I…

(TEMPLETON appears at the top of the stairs. He is attired in the same clothes he
arrived in the house in, but with a more relaxed look)

TEMPLETON

Well, here we are. That didn't take long at all, did it? I hadn't realized how late it
is. You must both be getting tired.

(TEMPLETON trips coming down the last couple of steps)

 100

TEMPLETON
I think this scotch is finally starting to get to me.

(he approaches BLANE)

Well, my young friend…

CHOCOLATE

Mr. Templeton...!

BLANE

Shut up!

TEMPLETON

(counting money into BLANE'S hand)

Fifty, one hundred, one hundred fifty, two hundred. As we agreed. Payment in
advance.

(TEMPLETON pours himself another drink and sits chair behind the desk)

TEMPLETON
(to CHOCOLATE)

I want to thank you for coming. Really. What an…unexpected pleasure your visit
has been.

(to BLANE)

And you, young man. Well, two hundred dollars. That's a very handsome fee for
the light duty you will be performing here tonight. A handsome fee indeed.

(pause)

After we complete our business tonight, I shall be quite unable to drive you back
to the boulevard.

(pause)

We both understand that very well, don't we young man? I shall sleep. I am tired
now. It's time for the party to end…
 101

(He is drifting)

BLANE

Mr. Templeton…

TEMPLETON

I've been to a lot of parties, you know...a...long...time... ago…

(TEMPLETON passes out)

BLANE

You heard him.

CHOCOLATE

He just meant he be too drunk to drive, that's all.

BLANE

Well, it really don't matter, does it?

CHOCOLATE

Please, honey...stops this. Please. You gots two hundred dollars. Leaves him
here. We goes home.

BLANE

Get the fuck away from me.

(BLANE starts to look around for a heavy object)

CHOCOLATE

All right, all right. Takes the key from him and gets what you wants from the
drawer. I no stops you from doin that, but…

BLANE
(spots the Academy Award and grabs it)

You ain't gonna stop me from doin' nothin'.

 102

CHOCOLATE

Gives me that! I said gives it to me.

(There is a short struggle for possession of this potential murder weapon. CHOCOLATE
emerges victorious, wresting it from BLANE)

BLANE

GODDAM YOU!

CHOCOLATE

You don'ts know what you is doin'. This ain't like stabbin' some bum in barroom
fight.

BLANE

Stabbin.

(pause)

Stabbin'!

(BLANE turns and runs up the stairs)

CHOCOLATE

(screams after him)

Where you goin'? What you doin'?

(CHOCOLATE puts the award down and runs after him)

Stops it! Stops it right now!

(they are both gone)

(TEMPLETON opens his eyes. Throughout the next scene we can hear the muffled voices
of BLANE and CHOCOLATE in argument upstairs. TEMPLETON reaches over and
pours himself another drink. In doing so, he knocks over one of the pictures. He picks it
up)
 103

TEMPLETON

Well....Lillian Trimble. I'm sorry, Lillian. Here. Sit right here next to me.

(He motions towards the upstairs)

Best seats in the house.

(He takes a drink)

Well, Lillian you old tramp, it seems like just yesterday you said you'd attend my
funeral. But I knew better. I have survived you for this short time.

(There is a crash from upstairs)

And now it would appear that I am going to.... "face the firing squad for daring to
declare my love..." Remember that one? Well, it'll be my firing squad, Lillian.
My scenario.

(pause. He picks up the newspaper on the desk)

So, do you think I'll get two columns on page one? I think I might do…better.

(pause. He takes in all the pictures on the desk with his eyes)

Well, my...friends. What say we have one final toast.

(He lifts his glass)

Let me see. Ah, yes. A toast....

(BLANE and CHOCOLATE appear at the top of the stairs. BLANE is wielding the sword
TEMPLETON wore on his "Count Cheremsky" uniform. In addition, he carries
TEMPLETON’s portable TV under his arm. Neither BLANE nor CHOCOLATE notice
TEMPLETON as they descend the stairs)

BLANE
(Running down the stairs)

STAY AWAY! Just stay the fuck away.

CHOCOLATE

Gives me that before I takes it away and uses it on you gizzard.

 104

(CHOCOLATE makes a grab for the sword. BLANE pushes her down the stairs the last
few steps. In doing so, he drops the TV. As he attends to the TV, CHOCOLATE gets up
and opens the S.R. window)

CHOCOLATE

(yelling out)

HELP! HELP!

(BLANE comes up behind her, grabs her by the neck, and pulls her away from the
window)

TEMPLETON

CLOSE THE WINDOW!

(BLANE and CHOCOLATE both freeze)

TEMPLETON

I said close the window. It's damp enough in here as it is.

CHOCOLATE

Mr. Templeton...!

BLANE

Shut up!

(BLANE advances on TEMPLETON with the sword. CHOCOLATE spots the Academy
Award, picks it up, and slowly begins to inch up behind BLANE)

BLANE

Now, we're all through playin' games here, ain't we, Mr. Templeton?

TEMPLETON

Yes, all through.

BLANE

Okay. Open that drawer and take that thing out...now!

 105

(TEMPLETON goes over to the desk, takes the key and begins to open the drawer)

CHOCOLATE
He wants to kill you, Mr. Templeton…

TEMPLETON
I know.

BLANE
Course he knows. Ain’t much fun hangin’ around when all your buddies are dead,
is there? Did I guess it right this time Mr. Templeton? Huh?

TEMPLETON
They are all dead.

(looking at Blane)

And now, I’m going to be joining them very soon as well. And so young man, I
shan’t be needing you any longer.

(Templeton pulls a shiny .38 caliber revolver from the drawer and fires at Blane once.
Blane is hurled across the room onto the floor. He is dead. Chocolate screams, drops the
award and starts to run towards him, but Templeton’s second shot catches her and flings
her to the floor. From across the room he surveys the carnage. Chocolate moans.
Surprised that she is still alive, Templeton carefully walks over to her)

TEMPLETON
I should have known you were made of stronger stuff.

CHOCOLATE
Please no shoots again. I not tell. Madre de Dios.

TEMPLETON
My dear I gave you your chance to leave and you refused to take it. You should
have known by now that in life when someone gives you an opportunity you
should take advantage of it. Well, no matter now, what’s done is done.

(Templeton walks back to behind the desk in as close to the exact position that he fired
the shots from as possible. He adjusts himself to make sure that he is at the same angle
and distance from Chocolate as before.)
 106

It’s a terrible thing to not be able to live your life as you want, to not be who you
really want to be. It’s painful, believe me I know. As much as I had my share of
problems with my so called friends, I always envied them for being able to live
the lives they chose for themselves.

(Chocolate moans again.)

And as for you my dear? My dear, at this moment…you ARE Elizabeth Taylor.

(He shoots Chocolate one more time, killing her. He lays the gun on the desk and slumps
in the chair, then glances at the pictures for a moment. He picks up the liquor glass and
quickly salutes the pictures before downing the remainder of scotch in the glass. Then he
stands, composes himself, and reaches onto the desk. Instead of picking up the gun, he
picks up the phone. He dials a number from memory. Again he composes himself. He is
now about to give the performance of a lifetime.)

TEMPLETON

Detective Brannan please and please hurry.

(pause)

Dave? It’s Frederick Templeton, I’m sorry but….I’m sorry but…it’s just…these
two people, they tried to attack me. No, I’m okay, but I had to…I had to shoot
them. Yes they’re dead. In my house. Oh Dave it was awful. I think they were
Manson followers. No they didn’t break in. I invited them in. Why do you think I
invited them in, you remember my…proclivities. Yes I know you told me
something like this would happen; I don’t need a lecture from you right now.
What happened? I made an…arrangement with this young man to come back to
my house. He had this transvestite pimp who insisted on coming along. I didn’t
feel quite right about that, but I couldn’t see any harm. We had a few drinks, then
I stepped out of the room for a moment and when I came back I caught them
trying to break into my desk. I don’t know what they thought they were going to
find there, just bills and some old movie props I keep around. No they don’t have
any value, if it did I’d keep them in the safe, it’s just some things I took from the
studio over the years. Anyway when I caught them I ordered them out of the
house, but instead of leaving they started threatening me. The transvestite kept me
hostage while the boy ran through the house. The only thing he could find was my
portable TV set. I told them they could take whatever they wanted just don’t hurt
me, but I guess…I guess they had other things in mind. Well they had been taking
drugs. Marijuana I’m sure of it, but probably others as well. They kept talking
about how they were going to put me out of my misery. I made it to the window
 107

at one point and cried for help, but they slammed it shut. A gun, no they didn’t
have a gun, they had a sword and a knife. Dave I’ve never been so scared in my
life.

(pause)

Yes, I’ll hold on.

(Templeton pours another drink from the scotch bottle and sips at it)

Yes I’m still here. Good, they’re on their way here? Now Dave, you didn’t call
the squad cars on the radio did you? You did?

(physically indicates that he is pleased, but his voice should retain it’s anguish)

Why? Because reporters monitor those calls Dave, you know that. I don’t want
any reporters. It’ll be all over the papers.

(pause)

I’m no hero Dave, I was just protecting myself.

(In the distance sirens are heard. Throughout the next the sirens should come closer and
closer)

You can’t let the papers get this Dave, I don’t want a scandal. I don’t want to be
known for my…peculiarities. I said I thought they might be Manson people Dave,
but I’m not sure. They talked about him. The transvestite said he knew him.

(pause)

Of course I’ll cooperate with the police Dave, but I want you to know I was just
protecting myself, nothing more. A man has a right to defend himself. No, no
reporters please Dave. I don’t care how it will sound on TV; you know how I hate
television.

Templeton smiles and sips the scotch. The sirens are now at they’re loudest. The siren
sound fades into the 1936 Bing Crosby recording of I’M GOING HOLLYWOOD. The
lights fade to

BLACKOUT

CURTAIN