SPACE JAM 2

Written by Roger Carnow Zach Dunn & Adam Sutton

Based on characters created by Leo Benvenuti Steve Rudnick Timothy Harris & Herschel Weingrod

Email: ZachBD63@gmail.com Phone: (911)420-BOOB

FADE IN: EXT. OLD LEBRONS MANSION - NIGHT A beautiful, palatial estate. In front sit several statues of basketball greats: BILL RUSSELL, OSCAR ROBERTSON, LARRY BIRD. MICHAEL JORDAN. Also theres a fountain with the spout shaped like a basketball hoop. INT. MANSION GREAT HALL - NIGHT Nearly a hundred kids of every race sit on the floor chatting amongst themselves. We pass through these kids until we get to the front of the hall, where an old man sits facing the fire with his back to the children. The mantle on the fireplace behind him is filled with trophies. The old man awkwardly turns the chair around. He slowly pets an old, fat white cat. All the children hush. It is OLD LEBRON (NOTE: Same makeup as those commercials he did where he was old -- this will save $$). Old LeBron surveys the multi-racial children. OLD LEBRON Do you multi-racial children want to hear a story? ASIAN KID Can we go home to our parents yet? OLD LEBRON (yelling) Not until you listen to my story! They all nod in unison. LeBron calms back down. OLD LEBRON (CONTD) This is the story of the greatest championship I ever won. He coughs. Then he coughs a bunch more. He catches his breath. OLD LEBRON (CONTD) Alright. Sorry. FADE OUT.

2. OLD LEBRON (V.O.) It was 2014 and I was King of the NBA. Let Me Clear My Throat by DJ Kool begins to play. FADE IN: START MONTAGE: A SPORTSCENTER BROADCAST. ANCHOR King of the NBA. That is what LeBron James has become. After 10 games, the Heat small forward is averaging 68 points a game with 31 rebounds. He is astounding every single person involved with the sport. A BASKETBALL GAME. LeBron slices through the opposing team, the Grizzlies. His teammates on the court just watch. OLD LEBRON (V.O.) Lets just say... I was good. LeBron thunderously DUNKS. The dunk is so powerful that the backboard shatters... on the other basket, ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COURT. The basket he dunked on is totally fine. A teammate slaps LeBrons butt as some players on the bench jeer at the other team. DWYANE WADE and CHRIS BOSH shake their heads in frustration. A POSTGAME INTERVIEW. Heat coach ERIK SPOELSTRA sits at the table across from a REPORTER. REPORTER (O.S.) How do you respond to those who criticize you for not involving the teams other players enough? ERIK SPOELTRA Well I know Dwyane and Chris havent been thrilled... but youve gotta do what it takes to win. And frankly, I think, if anything, theyre holding him back. A BASKETBALL GAME. LeBron dribbles the ball slowly up the court against the Raptors.

3. He is the only Heat player on the court. The team sits, sad, on the bench. Dwayne Wade scowls like a little kid whos grounded. The rest of the bench doesnt even pay attention: MARIO CHALMERS reads a book, UDONIS HASLEM peruses a porno mag, CHRIS BIRDMAN ANDERSON smokes crack. At half-court, LeBron calmly shoots a jump shot. Nails it. LEBRON Daddy Likey. RUDY GAY of the Raptors cries, silently. AN EPISODE OF PARDON THE INTERRUPTION. All of the cardboard cutout heads behind them are now LeBron. All of the sidecrawl topics now somehow relate to LeBron, except for one about golfer John Daly. MICHAEL WILBON I know the whole 1 on 5 thing is extreme, but... this is the greatest athletic performance of all time. Thats it. Its done. And they havent lost a game! TONY KORNHEISER I know we are supposed to disagree and debate but... I cant! Wanna get outta here? MICHAEL WILBON I thought youd never ask! TONY KORNHEISER My place? Ill call up John Daly. Michael excitedly nods as they take their mics off and leave the set. A SPORTSCENTER BROADCAST ANCHOR Reports indicate that Pat Riley and the Heat management have cut Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and everyone else on the Miami Heat except, of course, LeBron James. They plan to give LeBron all that extra money. And hey, he deserves it. LOCKER GAME INTERVIEW WITH LEBRON. A shirtless LeBron stands in the locker room.

4. REPORTER What factors contributed to the win tonight? LEBRON Well, the team really played as a unit, you know? The camera pans to the otherwise completely empty locker room. They all laugh, including LeBron. ANOTHER BASKETBALL GAME. This time against the Knicks, in Madison Square Garden. LeBron, heading down the court, does a juke so good that it breaks three players ankles. The Knicks fans all cheer for LeBron and hold signs that say I Heart NY LEBRON with the NY crossed out. On the other end of the court, the Knicks pass the ball around a bunch but LeBron plays perfect defense, eventually BLOCKING Carmelo Anthonys shot. He takes the ball and goes down the court. All 5 Knicks players chase after him. He thunderously DUNKS over all of them. They all fall on the ground and pile up. LeBron climbs to the top of the player pile. The Knicks crowd chants MVP. He looks at the crowd, smiles, and takes it all in. He is a GOD. LEBRON (CONTD) I am a God. END MONTAGE. INT. COMMISSIONER'S WAITING ROOM - DAY Fancy LeBron, in a suit, sits idly in the waiting room. SECRETARY Mr. James, the commissioner will see you now. LEBRON Thanks, Amy. As he gets up he grabs her hand and smoothly kisses it. Her eyes roll into the back of her head as she shudders in pleasure, moaning ever so gently.

5. INT. COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE - DAY LeBron walks into the office. LEBRON Great to see you, Mr. Commissioner. The commissioner turns around quickly in his chair and reveals his identity. Its BILL MURRAY. BILL MURRAY Please, call me Bill. Bill Murray. LEBRON Sorry Billy. BILL MURRAY (very serious) Do NOT call me Billy. Sorry. LEBRON

JASON SCHWARTZMAN walks into the room. BILL MURRAY Have you met the Deputy Commissioner? Jason Schwartzman? Of course you havent! Hes a nobody. Schwartzman forces a smile. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Nice to see you, Mr. James. LeBron shakes his hand. LEBRON I love Coconut Records. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Hey, yknow, thats my band! LEBRON I know... thats why I said it? I love your acting work too! BILL MURRAY Jason, youre in a band? And you act? You never told me this. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Well sir, we were in several movies together--

6. BILL MURRAY (interjecting) Ah who cares. Ive never seen any movies. And the only music I listen to is Steely Dan. Love them. LEBRON

Schwartzmans blood boils. LeBron sits down. Schwartzman stands next to Bill Murray. LEBRON (CONTD) So whyd you dudes want to see me? BILL MURRAY Well, LeBron, the season youre having has been... outstanding. Impeccable. Unbelievable. With a team, without a team, who cares. Youre having the best season in basketball history, and nothing can change that. A really, really long pause. They all just kind of look around. Thanks. LEBRON

BILL MURRAY (quickly) 18 years ago, this league was rocked by scandal. All that stuff with the aliens, the Nerdlucks, they stole everyones powers. I mean that scandal got David Stern fired, so Im not complaining, cause now Im commissioner of the NBA! Woo-hoo! Schwartzman makes shifty eyes. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) Point is, you have made my reign as a commissioner... (burps) ... a huge success. So I just wanted you to know that anything you need, I can give you. LEBRON Thanks Bill. That means a lot. (thinks, then) (MORE)

7. LEBRON (CONT'D) Can you tell me what you whispered to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation? Bill Murray looks side to side and gives a cheeky smile. BILL MURRAY (whispering) This movie blows. Bill Murray, Schwartzman, and LeBron laugh uproariously. Schwartzmans laugh is obviously fake. The laughter is stopped when LeBron spots a BASKETBALL-SIZED GLOWING ORB in a glass shrine on the wall behind them. LEBRON Is that...? BILL MURRAY Yes sir. The evil orb that those damn Nerdlucks used to steal basketball skills. LEBRON Wow. You better keep that thing protected. BILL MURRAY Oh I do. That glowing orb could get a commissioner fired! They laugh again. Schwartzman refrains from laughter and raises a coy eyebrow at the orb. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) Bron Bron, come, lemme show you the new B-ball technology were working on. Really cool shit. Batman kinda shit. Lets roll. They start walking out of the office. LEBRON Silly question: you ever mac it with Sco-Jo? BILL MURRAY I dont kiss and tell. They leave the room. LEBRON (O.S.) Cmon, man!

8. BILL MURRAY (O.S.) I wont tell you if we kissed... but I will say that we had sex thrice a day whilst shooting! LEBRON (O.S.) (Borat voice) Very nice! Jason Schwartzman stays behind. He stares at the orb. Bill Murrays words echo in his head: That thing could get a commissioner fired... fired... fired. An evil smiles creeps on Jasons face. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Oh you dont listen to my music? You dont watch my movies? Well take this, Murray. Ill be the new commissioner. ME! Schwartzman awkwardly grabs the glass case and puts it in his shirt, making him look pregnant. He scurries out of the office. INT. LEBRONS HOUSE - NIGHT LeBron sits on his couch playing NBA 2K14 on his big plasma screen TV. He dunks the ball in the game as himself. The TV screen SHATTERS. He sighs, puts the controller down and walks over to a wall of his house. He takes a bottle of whiskey with him. On the wall is a row of pictures: Young LeBron with friends in middle school. Teen LeBron with his high school basketball team. LeBron laughing and having fun with his Cavaliers teammates. An obviously photoshopped picture of LeBron with the cast of Friends. An obviously photoshopped picture of LeBron with the cast of Jersey Shore. An actual picture of LeBron with the cast of Seinfeld. LeBron takes a big old swig of whiskey. LEBRON I am lonely.

9. LeBron presses play on a small remote in his hand. At Last by Etta James begins to play. He walks over to another wall of the room where a basketball hoop sits. LeBron grabs a basketball from a rack and begins what can only be described as a Ballet of Basketball. Perfectly timed lay-ups, jump shots, hook shots, and dribbling all as LeBron passionately sings along. He grabs a second basketball, then a third, incorporating them all into his festival of basketball and dance. It ends with him perfectly timing shots with the three balls so that they all swish in a row. INT. LEBRONS BEDROOM - NIGHT LeBron enters his bedroom and hops on his bed, which is made entirely out of basketballs. On the bed sleep a naked MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSON. LeBron tries to sneak into bed without waking them up. They stir. LEBRON Didnt mean to wake yall. ASHLEY We werent sleeping. Weve been trying. This bed is incredibly uncomfortable. MARY KATE It is literally made of bumpy rubber. LEBRON How rude! The twins roll their eyes and turn away from LeBron. LEBRON (CONTD) (mumbled) Its comfortable to me. He flips his pillow (a basketball) over to the cool side. He shuts the lights off next to his bed. OLD LEBRON (V.O.) The top of the mountain can be a very lonely place. Thats a metaphor. Anyhow, it all started the day they gave me my MVP trophy, from the year before.

10. EXT. MIAMI HEAT ARENA - DAY Heat fans stream into the arena. INT. MIAMI HEAT ARENA - DAY Scoreboard shows Heat: 68, Pacers: 34 in the second quarter. As the time winds down on the half, LeBron nonchalantly throws the ball over his shoulder. A buzzer souns as the shot perfectly swishes through the net. He bows to the crowd. Bill Murray walks out on the floor, holding a microphone. Jason Schwartzman is close behind. BILL MURRAY (racist latino accent) Hola Miami!! Ay ay ay!! We are here to present the MVP award to the best player in basketball history... LeBron. JAMES!! The crowd goes wild. Bill Murray hands LeBron the trophy. LEBRON Thank you everyone. If Im MVP, then you guys are MVF. Most Valuable Fans! Big laugh. LEBRON (CONTD) (gesturing to Bill Murray) And this guy is MVC! Most Valuable Commissioner! Mild laugh. LEBRON (CONTD) And this trophy... is MVT! Most Valu-BILL MURRAY (interrupting) Alright, alright, we get it. Lets take a picture. They pose to take the picture with LeBron holding the trophy. Jason Schwartzman weasels his way next to LeBron on the other side. He holds a mysterious basketball.

11. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Hey LeBron, you should hold this mysterious basketb-- I mean, basketball, while we take the picture! LEBRON Im already holding the trophy. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Lets get just one with the basketball. Cmon, tradesies. LeBron begrudgingly hands Jason the trophy and accepts the basketball. PHOTOGRAPHER Say... swish! Swish! ALL

As the camera clicks, the ball begins to GLOW, like some sort of glowing orb. LeBron cant let go of it for a couple seconds. Finally, it stops glowing. Bill Murray shrugs and walks away. LeBron stares at Schwartzman. LEBRON What the fuck was that? JASON SCHWARTZMAN (nervous) What? Nothing! Hey did you know my mom played Adrienne in Rocky? See ya! Schwartzman grabs the ball back and gives LeBron the trophy. He scampers away, looking back at LeBron over his shoulder as he does so. LeBron tilts his head. LEBRON I feel... weird. INT. MIAMI HEAT ARENA - DAY The game continues. LeBron takes the ball up the court and takes a long 3. AIRBALL. LeBrons jaw drops. The crowd murmurs in confusion. Erik Spoelstra is shocked. Bill Murray is shocked. The arena is shocked. Jason Schwartzman smiles. START MONTAGE:

12. A montage of LeBron sucking. He cant make anything. He cant play defense. He just looks lost. Coach Spoelstra tries to calm him down, but LeBron is angry. He tries to dunk it but the ball somehow careens off the backboard. As the buzzer sounds at the end of the game, he looks up at the scoreboard. The score is Pacers: 102, Heat: 68. A distraught LeBron is approached by a sideline reporter. SIDELINE REPORTER (kinda freaked out) LeBron, you didnt score for the entire second half. What just happened? LEBRON I... Im sick. SIDELINE REPORTER You scored 68 points in the first half. You got sick in the 15 minute halftime? LEBRON (yelling) Im sick! He angrily walks away. INT. LEBRONS LIMO - NIGHT LeBron rides back from the game in his limo with his trusted Russian limo driver ANTON, 60. He talks to him through the partition. LEBRON I cant explain it, Anton. Everything just felt... off. ANTON Listen, LeBron. You are best player in history. But even Babe Ruth struck out sometimes. LEBRON The candy bar?

13. ANTON The baseball player. Wayne Gretzky once said: You miss 100% of the shots you dont take. You just gotta give it your all, every night. LEBRON Yeah. So he was a... baseball player, too? ANTON No, he played hockey. Do you know any sports other than basketball? LEBRON Is fucking a sport? They stare at each other through the rearview mirror for a really long time. Then they burst out laughing. ANTON Theres my old LeBron! Youll be back shooting like a star in no times. LEBRON Well see. Oh, also, the Deputy Commissioner gave me this ball that made me feel super weird and after that I couldnt play. WHAT?! ANTON

LEBRON Yeah, pretty weird, right? ANTON Oh, sorry LeBron. Im on the bluetooth, gimme one second. (to bluetooth) Your boss said hed pay for your boob job? Oh happy day! LeBron sighs and puts up the partition. ANTON (CONTD) (to bluetooth) This reduction is just what you need.

14. EXT. AMERICAN AIRLINES ARENA - NIGHT Fans enter the arena. INT. COURT - NIGHT The starting players from the Celtics and Heat get on the court for tip off. LeBron does his usual white powder throwing into the air. He walks to the middle and brushes past Kevin Garnett. KEVIN GARNETT (sarcastic) Gonna have another big night tonight? LEBRON Yeah, with your mama. KEVIN GARNETT More like Ernie Johnsons mama. LEBRON Id hit it. The two nod in agreement. The ref blows the whistle and throws the ball up. LeBron struggles to tip it. Once he has possession and dribbles, KG snatches the ball effortlessly and goes in for a dunk. He laughs at LeBron, who looks bewildered. LeBron sucks. He airballs a free throw. He shoots a half court shot on a fast break as if he accidentally pressed X in 2K14. Rajon Rondo even posterizes him, jumping all the way over with his crotch in LeBron's face. Slow motion a la Theres Something About Mary as Rondos floppy crotch collides with LeBron's face. LeBron looks like a fool. Pan up to an angry Bill Murray in a luxury box. INT. LUXURY BOX - NIGHT Bill Murray smashes his shrimp cocktail against the wall of the luxury box. BILL MURRAY What the FUCK is going on?

15. Jason Schwartzman stands behind him, calm, cool, and collected. JASON SCHWARTZMAN We all have our off days, dont we sir? BILL MURRAY This isnt an off day. This is gonna kill our ratings. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Really? How so? BILL MURRAY LeBron is the leagues most marketable player. Without his remarkable play, we are nothing. People will stop watching. How could all his talent just disappear? JASON SCHWARTZMAN Its almost as if it was... stolen away. BILL MURRAY Hmmmm. Yeah. Whatever. Bill Murray looks over at a framed picture of him, MJ, THE LOONEY TUNES, and the NERDLUCK ALIENS who stole the star players talent. He raises an intrigued eyebrow. INT. TNT STUDIO - NIGHT The TNT announcers, ERNIE JOHNSON, KENNY THE JET SMITH, CHARLES BARKLEY, and SHAQ talk on their postgame show. ERNIE JOHNSON In an uncanny performance, LeBron James puts up a miserable line of 0 points, 1 rebound, and 0 assists in tonights blowout loss. Kenny what do you make of this? KENNY THE JET I really have no explanation for you, Ernie. It was bad. CHARLES BARKLEY Bad? It was turrible. Barkley winks at the camera.

16. CHARLES BARKLEY (CONTD) Enough said. LeBron. Sucked. He was like molasses mixed with jelly on wheat bread trying to score a basket out there. Yes. SHAQ

ERNIE JOHNSON That awful second half the other night, now this? Kenny, do you think we can expect more shameful performances from LeBron? KENNY THE JET Nah Ernie. This was a one time ordeal. LeBron must have ate some bad Chinese food or Mexican food or something. Hell bounce back. Hes the best player in the world. CHARLES BARKLEY I dont know, Kenny. I think LeBron might have gotten his talent stolen away like I did from those darn lil alien buggers in the 90s. Or Maybe Delonte West is bending his mama over and giving it to her real steady again. I mean really getting it in. And LeBron just cant take that. Its his mama! What if Delonte screwed yo mama Ernie? That would be turrible. Uh... ERNIE JOHNSON

SHAQ Ive slept with Ernies mom. ERNIE JOHNSON Haha, Shaq is always bringing the comedy to Inside the NBA! SHAQ Im serious. Shaq stares deeply into the eyes of Ernie Johnson. CHARLES BARKLEY More like, Inside the Ernie Johnsons mom!

17. Ernie Johnson is past his breaking point. ERNIE JOHNSON Sure, gang up on the nerdy white guy! Thats always a fun game to play! Well heres a message to all of you: Go fuINT. LEBRONS HOUSE - NIGHT The TV shuts off. LeBron slams the remote on the floor. He picks up his tiny chihuahua, LEDOG JAMES, and screams in its face. LEBRON What is wrong with me? Im LeBron FUCKING James, goddammit! LeDog stares back blankly. LEBRON (CONTD) I gave up everybody I love for basketball. What if I dont have basketball any more? Ill have... nothing. LeBron hears a phone ringing. He reaches into his pocket and checks his cell-phone, nothing. LEBRON (CONTD) That can only mean... He runs over to his wall of photographs. He finds the one of him and the cast of Seinfeld. He lifts the photograph off the wall. There is a safe. He unlocks it with his fingerprint, which sets off a beep followed by a Seinfeld bassline. Inside the safe he sees a cell-phone ringing labeled EMERGENCY. He picks it up. LEBRON (CONTD) ...its you. No, I just, I never thought this phone would ring. (beat, then) The golf course? This late? Whatever you say. (beat, then) Basketball Buddy #3, out.

18. EXT. MORON MOUNTAIN - NIGHT We enter the Looney Tune cartoon universe from the original Space Jam. An enormous run-down sign that says WELCOME TO MORON MOUNTAIN flickers a dim light. The old amusement park is a piece of shit now. Everything is run down. EXT. MORON MOUNTAIN SIDEWALK - NIGHT MISTER FRANK SWACKHAMMER (a cartoon voiced by Danny DeVito) moseys down the cartoon sidewalk, paper bag of whiskey in hand. Hes fat, balding, and has a hairy chest. He does not look great. He scratches his ass. SWACKHAMMER Damn cockroaches. With his other hand, he drags along his son TONY, 3. Tonys toddler belly pops out of his shirt and he wears sandals. He licks a lollipop. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) Quit draggin, Tony! All of a sudden, a big van drives beside them. Several men in suits spring out and snatch Swackhammer and Tony. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) What the shit? Theyre forced into the back. The van speed away. Nighttiming by Coconut Records blasts from the car stereo. INT. SPOOKY BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT Swackhammer and Tony lead down a hallway by Secret Servicelike men in suits and sunglasses. They open the door to a basketball court. Standing there is... Jason Schwartzman, who slowly dribbles a basketball with a coy smile. SWACKHAMMER Who are you? What the fuck is going on? Tony sucks on his lollipop.

19. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Hey hey, calm down, Freddy Brown. Im Jason Schwartzman. Swackhammer doesnt recognize him. JASON SCHWARTZMAN (CONTD) I was the drummer in Phantom Planet? SWACKHAMMER Alright? Well whatdya want with me? JASON SCHWARTZMAN Remember that time you gave those Nerdlucks the NBA players talent? SWACKHAMMER Yeah, didnt work out too well. We got ass blasted by Michael Jordan. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Right. Well what if I said you could do that again, but with no chance of losing whatsoever? SWACKHAMMER Im listenin. JASON SCHWARTZMAN I have stolen the basketball ability of one... LeBron James. Swackhammers jaw drops. Tony sucks on his lollipop. SWACKHAMMER So thats why hes playing like a bum! I knew something was up! Youre the reason I lost a shit ton of money betting on LeBron! What do you want with me? JASON SCHWARTZMAN Listen. Im Deputy Commissioner of the NBA. Im also an actor in movies, like Scott Pilgrim. Im a very busy man. Right. SWACKHAMMER

JASON SCHWARTZMAN I have LeBrons power, but nowhere to put it. (MORE)

20. JASON SCHWARTZMAN (CONT'D) I was hoping you could provide me with a... Nerdluck vessel. To create a Monstar. SWACKHAMMER Why should I help you? JASON SCHWARTZMAN This creature will be the most talented thing ever created. Making money off him shouldnt be difficult. Money? SWACKHAMMER

JASON SCHWARTZMAN Oh yes, Ill be very busy back on Earth, so youll be his... manager. Youll get 10 percent of all our earnings. SWACKHAMMER (drunk as always) 5 percent? Thats nothing. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Have any better opportunities to make money? Swackhammer thinks it over (he doesnt). SWACKHAMMER 8 percent and its a deal. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Deal. Pleasure doing business with you. So wheres my Nerdluck? Swackhammer scratches his ass. He looks down at Tony, who sucks on his lollipop. He shoves Tony over to Schwartzman. Here. SWACKHAMMER

JASON SCHWARTZMAN (shrugs) Okay. Schwartzman grabs Tonys hand. Tony drops his lollipop and cries. Two of Schwartzmans secret service men bring over the orb.

21. Schwartzman grabs the orb and the servicemen hold down the crying Tony. JASON SCHWARTZMAN (CONTD) I dub this Monstar... LEBRONSTAR! He shoots the orbs powers at Tony, who morphs into a giant evil monster version of LeBron. Tonys cries turn into monstrous roars. The pitch black, red-eyed beast breaks free of the guards, slamming them across the court. Lebronstar storms to the middle of the court, grabs two balls, jumps into the air, and dunks at both hoops at the same time. LEBRONSTAR Four points. Lebronstar flips off the camera. SWACKHAMMER Hes... hes ... hes beautiful. Hes going to be a goddamn gold mine.... And hes all mine! AHAHAHAHA!! Swackhammers evil laugh echoes throughout all of Moron Mountain. Schwartzman smiles, puts on his sunglasses, and puts on a cap that says The Darjeeling Limited. He heelies out of the room, as Swackhammer continues to laugh maniacally. EXT. GOLF COURSE - NIGHT Bill Murray and A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE hide behind a bush whispering. The mysterious figure is obscured by shadows. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE You better be right about this. BILL MURRAY Have I ever been wrong? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Just saying. You interrupted me right in the middle of giving it to Ernie Johnsons mom. Doggy style. BILL MURRAY Oh Cindy? How is she these days?

22. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Sweaty. I mean I had her in a pile driver for like the first 10 minuBILL MURRAY Shhh. Someones coming! LeBron walks over to the green, looking around. LEBRON Basketball Buddy #2? Where you at? Bill Murray hops out of the bush like a tiger. Surprise! Ahh! BILL MURRAY LEBRON

LeBron takes a second to notice who it is. LEBRON (CONTD) Commissioner Bill Murray? Youre not Basketball Buddy #2. What are you doing here? BILL MURRAY Im everywhere, champ. Wheres... Bill Murray smiles. From the bushes emerges the mysterious figure... MICHAEL JORDAN aka HIS AIRNESS aka JUMPMAN aka THE GREATEST THAT EVER WAS. MICHAEL Right here, my man. LeBron looks on in awe. LEBRON Michael! It really is you. Wow. Whatve you been up to lately? MICHAEL Well lately Ive been all up Ernie Johnsons mom. Doggy style. LEBRON Oh Cindy? Hows she these days? LEBRON

23. MICHAEL Sweaty. I mean I had her in a pile driver for like the first 10 minuLEBRON (interrupting) So whats all this about? BILL MURRAY We are here... to kill you. Bill Murray pulls out a hand gun and points it at LeBron's head. MICHAEL Whoa! Bill this isnt what we agreed to! LEBRON Im a good man! Spare me, commissioner! Bill Murray looks intent, holding the gun at LBJ. BILL MURRAY I am the Angel of Death. I spare no man. He cracks a smile and puts the gun down. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) Ha. Im only kidding. Its a prop gun from a movie Im in. Im an actor too, remember? LEBRON Haha oh yeah, thats right. But seriously whats going on? MICHAEL This place is very special to us. BILL MURRAY It is the starting point of one of my greatest adventures. LEBRON Acting in the 1980 cult classic comedy Caddyshack? BILL MURRAY Ha, youre a clever one, Mr. James, but no.

24. MICHAEL This, this hole right here. Jordan points to the hole on the green. MICHAEL (CONTD) This hole isnt just a hole. Its a portal. To Tune Town. LeBron looks flabbergasted. LEBRON Tune Town?! MICHAEL Of course, you remember when I teamed up with the Looney Tunes, right? LEBRON I think I maybe heard about it. BILL MURRAY Youve never seen Space Jam 1? In fact, this prop gun is from the sequel. MICHAEL Whatever. Remember when the star players in the 90s lost their talent? LEBRON Yeah, Shawn Bradley never got his back! The three guys laugh at this joke for four minutes straight. MICHAEL Anyway, these crazy aliens from a place called Moron Mountain stole it. They then used the talent to create super players. BILL MURRAY Monstars. MICHAEL Which they then used to beat the Tunes in basketball. I had to rally with the Tunes to defeat them and get the talent back to the players.

25. LEBRON Wait, this is insane. So you think going into Tune Town will help get my powers back? Who says Looney Tunes even exist? BILL MURRAY Oh, they do. Believe me. MICHAEL LeBron, I think the same Moron Mountain Nerdlucks are behind this. We need to find the Tunes so they can help us defeat them again and get your talent back. LEBRON For real? I mean, do you know how crazy this sounds? MICHAEL I do. But this could be your only hope. Who knows what havoc they could wreak with your talent, how many buildings they could destroy, how many people they could kill. And think how much you could lose without it. LeBron shakes his head and ponders. LEBRON I mean, this is insane. Bonkers. Looney, even... But Id be damned if I didnt trust you, Basketball Buddy #2. BILL MURRAY Yes! Lets do this! MICHAEL This is going to work. Trust me. Get ready for a wild ride, Basketball Buddy #3. Woo hoo! LEBRON

BILL MURRAY Now guys, guys, I know were all pretty stoked to do this. Tune Towns an amazing experience. But wouldnt it be even better if we experienced it... stoned?

26. LeBron and MJ look at each other with questioning glances. They turn into grins. Awww yeah. LEBRON AND MICHAEL

Bill Murray pulls out a huge bag of marijuana. BILL MURRAY Lets smoke some marijuana weed! MONTAGE: Bill Murray lights, puffs, and passes an ENORMOUS BLUNT. Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth plays in the background. They run around the course exploring and puffing on massive Js and blunts. They even recreate all of your favorite scenes from Caddyshack, shot for shot! Shaq emerges from the bushes and dances around dressed like a caddy. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) Since when are you a Caddy, Shaq? Shaq giggles and shrugs his shoulders. The joke was CaddyShaq, fuck you. End montage. The three, now stoned to high heaven, approach the hole. MICHAEL You cats ready? BILL MURRAY I may have been a Not-Ready-ForPrimetime Player, but now Im ready as hell. LEBRON Fuck it. Lets go down to Tune Town. MJ grasps both of their hands. He dives head on into the small hole. He gets sucked in with force and drags the other two with him. Away to Tune Town they go. EXT. TUNE TOWN - NIGHT We enter the cartoon world of Tune Town. LeBron, Michael Jordan, and Bill Murray fall from the sky right onto their butts.

27. LeBron and Michael get up and dust themselves off. Bill Murray puts sunglasses on and lays out, he makes a sexy pose leaning on his hand. LeBron and Michael look around. Tune Town is worn down. The basketball courts are empty. There isnt a single person, Tune, or other living/animated creature in sight. This place sure is crazy. LEBRON This place sure is crazy. MICHAEL (looking around) Yeah, this place is looney, but where are the Tunes? Bill Murray gets up and raises a BOOMBOX that plays rad tunes, specifically The Humpty Dance by Digital Underground. LeBron and Michael laugh their asses off. LEBRON Tunes, I get it! This guys the coolest. Lets all be best friends! LeBron and Michael high five. Bill Murray flips his hair and turns off the boombox. We now can hear faint music, coming from a distance. LEBRON (CONTD) Do you hear that? BILL MURRAY Its not me. LEBRON It sounds like a party. MICHAEL It must be the Tunes. BILL MURRAY Follow the Tune tunes! EXT. TUNE HOUSE - NIGHT The trio stands outside an upside down house. The house has literally been flipped upside down. We hear the muffled sound of loud music coming from inside the house.

28. (NOTE: The house vaguely resembles the illuminati symbol). INT. TUNE HOUSE - DAY Hard in Da Paint by Waka Flocka Flame plays as the trio enters the #turnt party. Animated Looney Tunes are all up on the dance floor. Like 50 black Tune chicks with intense bubble butts are twerking. Three white Tune dudes are doing Lil Bs cooking dance, giggling. A guy sits on a couch and tries to take a hit from a bong but a black couple is grinding up way too close to him. Worldstar! Tunes are far from tame. MARVIN THE MARTIAN helps ELMER FUDD butt chug Absinthe. TWEETY BIRD takes a swig from a bottle of tequilla. SPEEDY GONZALEZ deals speed to WILE E. COYOTE. SPEEDY GONZALEZ Be cool, vato. ROADRUNNER runs by and steals Speedy and Wile E.s speed. Beep Beep. ROADRUNNER

SPEEDY GONZALEZ Dont fuck with me ese! Speedy chases after Roadrunner, past LBJ, MJ, and Bill Murray. LeBron and Michael have dropped jaws. Bill Murray cooly takes out a cigarette, lights, inhales, exhales. BILL MURRAY Where the fuck is Bugs? MICHAEL Theres Daffy, lets ask him. DAFFY DUCK, PORKY PIG, and SYLVESTER each pop a molly. Our trio walks up to the Tune trio. MICHAEL (CONTD) Hey Daffy, long time no see. Have you seen Bugs? Daffy is too high to answer. He puts up a finger, asking him to wait a second. Daffy, Porky, and Sylvester each pop a Xanax.

29. DAFFY DUCK Woo! Uh, I think Bugs is in the bedroom with Lola. Thanks! MICHAEL

Michael and LeBron walk away. Bill Murray pockets a few pills and then runs away to catch up with Mike and LeBron. Daffy, Porky, and Sylvester each pop another molly. SYLVESTER Suffering suckitash. PORKY PIG B-b-b-bricksquad! INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Michael, LeBron, and Bill Murray slow their stride as they approach a door from which the sound of bunny moans can be heard. They crack open the door and peer inside. INT. BUGSS ROOM - NIGHT From inside, we see Michael, LeBron, and Bill Murrays eyes in the slit of the ajar door. Speaking of slits, BUGS BUNNY is fucking LOLA BUNNY in The Shoulder Holder position with her bunny legs resting on his bunny shoulders. Theyre fucking hard, and fast. Theyre fucking harder! Faster! Oh my god I cant fucking believe theyre fucking this fucking hard and fast, fuck! Outside the door, Bill Murray turns to the camera and lowers his glasses to the rim of his nose. BILL MURRAY Theyre fucking like rabbits. Bugs, balls deep in Lola, turns to see three on-lookers. He quickly pulls out. BUGS What the fuck!?! Lola covers her bare bunny tits with her bare bunny hands.

30. INT. BUGSS ROOM - LATER Bugs, wrapped in a blanket, very high and strung out, sits on the edge of the bed with Michael, LeBron, Bill Murray, and Lola (in that order, the three men are in between the bunny lovers). MICHAEL Do you understand, Bugs? Hes lost his magic touch! BUGS (strung out) Yeah. LEBRON I dont know what do, Mr. Bunny! BUGS Yeah, uh huh. MICHAEL Bugs, are you listening? BUGS No, Im not, Im sorry. Im a little drugged out right now. MICHAEL Yeah, I was gonna ask about that. I dont remember you guys being so... #turnt? Right. LOLA MICHAEL

BUGS After we won that game with you in 1996, we were just so amped up. We were happy, we were having fun. And it didnt help that Hollywood stopped calling. All this Family Guy, South Park bullshit, nobody wants sweet, normal cartoons like us. So one party a week became two became seven. This is our life now. LEBRON Whoa. What kinda drugs do you do, Bugs?

31. BUGS Well lately Ive been mixing my normal shit with, you know, performance enhancing shit. LEBRON What, like steroids? Bugs looks down toward his still erect bunny dick. He looks at LeBron, and raises an eyebrow, as if to say Really? Really, you dumb fuck? You think Im talking about steroids when you fucking interrupted me fucking, you fucking dumb fuck? No. BUGS

LEBRON Then what do you mean? HGH? Bugs shoots a sassy look directly at the camera. He turns back to the guys. BUGS Actually, could you guys give me and Lola a few minutes. Those enhancers were pretty expensive, we wouldnt want them to go to waste, now would we? Dont answer that. Just, give us 5, 10, 15, maybe 20 minutes. 4 hours, tops, or Ill need to ask a doc Whats up? Just come back later. The guys get up and head towards the door. LOLA (seductive) Bill can stay. BUGS Well yeah, obviously Bill can stay. Michael and LeBron look at Bill Murray. Bill Murray slowly opens his mouth, contemplating. He looks at Lolas chest, grits his teeth, and takes a deep breath. INT. TUNE HOUSE - NIGHT Michael and LeBron walk back out to the party. Lemonade by Gucci Mane plays. Marvin the Martian walks by and hands Michael Jordan a bottle of Ciroc.

32. MICHAEL Ah, no thanks. Im three years sober. He pulls out a sober chip. Marvin tries to hand it to LeBron. LEBRON Nah, Marvin, Ive got a big game comin up. Trying to stay in tiptop shape. MARVIN THE MARTIAN Whatever, bitches. PEPE LE PEW tries to pass LeBron a joint. PEPE LE PEW Zis is some good shit. LEBRON Ive been trying to quit. You know, D.A.R.E. and all that. Pepe coughs and laughs. PEPE LE PEW Your loss, monsieur. He walks away. LeBron and Michael stand awkwardly against the wall while everyone else has fun. Michael sneezes. LEBRON (small) Bless you. EXT. BUGSS ROOM - NIGHT Michael and LeBron stand awkwardly outside the door, unsure of where else to go. The door opens. Bill Murray, standing on the other side, finishes buttoning up his shirt. INT. BUGSS ROOM - DAY The 5 sit on the bed again, silent. Bugs is now wearing Bill Murrays sunglasses. Michael uncomfortably breaks the silence. MICHAEL Well... Ive gotta hand it to you Bugs, this is one hell of a party.

33. BUGS (lowers the sunglasses) Welcome to Tune Town, motherfucker. LEBRON Mr. Bunny... BUGS Please, call me Bugs. LEBRON Alright. Bugsy. BUGS Do NOT call me Bugsy. LEBRON Sorry. Bugs. We came here for a reason, Bugs. Bugs, We have a problem. Ive lost all my basketball abilities, Bugs. Im no good at b-ball no more, Bugs. Bugs, I dont know what to do, Bugs. BUGS Wait, shut the fuck up! Did you say you lost your basketball abilities? Uh... yes? LEBRON

BUGS I said shut the fuck up! Look at this! Bugs holds up a Newspaper entitled Tunespaper, which has the headline Lebronstar Tearing Up Moron Mountain League. BUGS (CONTD) Lebronstar, the new Monstar... he mustve taken all your basketball powers! Also written on the newspaper are the article headlines... The Dead Get Deader: RIP Park Cemetery Up In Flames Man Cums Money?!?! Why Women Cant Drive (Cars) Butterteeths Hit Album Tattooed Taint Goes Platinum Why Scientologists Are Right

34. Backwards Cowboy: Local Cowboy Gives Horse a Piggyback Ride The Politically Correct Midget Gets Offended, Again And Felon Degenerate and Fanny Pacquiao Both Nominated for Rapper of the Year. EXT. HOT TUB - DAY Swackhammer relaxes in a hot tub with two prostitutes beside him. He alternates between eating sausage links and puffing on a fat stoagie. Another prostitute rises out of the water after puffing on HIS fat stoagie (his dick). He turns to one of the other bitches. SWACKHAMMER Your turn, Missy. PROSTITUTE Ugh, youre disgusting. SWACKHAMMER Hey! I paid for you broads, didnt I? The prostitute descends into the water. Swackhammer moans in satisfaction. A plasma screen TV next to the hot tub displays highlights of LeBron's terrible play. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) Hahaha. What a loser. Suck it. One of his hos starts to descend into the water. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) Not you! Youre after this one down here. A pimply teenage alien in a uniform comes over to the hot tub. Um, sir? TEENAGE WORKER

SWACKHAMMER What? Cant you see Im busy? TEENAGE WORKER Um, your rental of this hot tub has officially timed out, so Im uh, gonna have to ask you to leave.

35. SWACKHAMMER I thought I had another hour left? TEENAGE WORKER Youve already been in here six hours, sir. SWACKHAMMER Well just charge another hour to my card. I must have some extra dough. (whispering) I manage Lebronstar, dickweed. TEENAGE WORKER Your card is maxed out, sir. No money. SWACKHAMMER What? Are you on crack? Jesus Christ. The Schwartz-man mustve fucked me over! A sweaty, pruny, completely nude Swackhammer rushes out of the hot tub. (NOTE: This is non-negotiable. Mr. DeVito has insisted that Swackhammer do full frontal nudity). One of the girls is still underwater, passed out. Her hair floats to the top. INT. BUGSS ROOM - DAY Slightly later now, Bugs, Lola, and the Basketball Bros all sit on the bed. LEBRON I want my powers back! MICHAEL The only way you can get them back is if you beat him. BILL MURRAY At basketball. LEBRON Alright, then I guess Ill have to beat him. BILL MURRAY At basketball? Without your skills?

36. BUGS You cant beat him without your skills. BILL MURRAY Not at basketball. LOLA Maybe you can beat him with a team. Would that work? Would he get his powers back if he gathered a team to play against a team that Lebronstar gathers to play against LeBron's team? Would that work? Yes. MICHAEL

LEBRON No! I can do this! I can beat him, 1 on 1, just him and me, mono a mono, just me, myself, and I. Ill get my powers back alone. MICHAEL Are you sure? BILL MURRAY Without your powers? LEBRON Read my lips. LeBron nods yes. Michael exhales, hard. MICHAEL Alright. I think I can set this up. I know just who we should call. CUT TO BLACK. Titlecard: 4 P.M. Titlecard: On a Wednesday Titlecard: Moron Mountain, PA INT. PADDYS PUB - DAY MAC, DENNIS, and CHARLIE (all Nerdlucks) sit at the bar as SWEET DEE (a female bird Nerdluck) cleans beer mugs. This is ITS ALWAYS SUNNY ON MORON MOUNTAIN.

37. MAC Why should the WNBA even exist? Girls cant play basketball. SWEET DEE What do you mean? Of course girls can play basketball. DENNIS No Dee, how can women play sports? The balls are too heavy for their feeble arms. SWEET DEE We dont have feeble arms. MAC You have feeble arms, Dee. CHARLIE Its not all about arms, guys. Charlie taps on his temple. SWEET DEE Okay, I could kill a rat, I just dont want to do Charlie work. DENNIS You could not kill a rat! MAC Your arms are too feeble! Goddammit! SWEET DEE

CHARLIE You couldnt handle the emotional toll! Youd break down and cry like every 30 seconds! Swackhammer runs into the bar, grunting. Hes a bald, desperate, sweaty mess of a cartoon. SWACKHAMMER Shit shit shit shit shit! DENNIS Frank, what do you want? CHARLIE Were right in the middle of something.

38. SWACKHAMMER Im in deep shit. I accidentally drowned a prostitute in a hot tub. MAC Do you think Dee could kill a rat? SWACKHAMMER What? Listen, shitbrains, I owe her pimp thousands of dollars. Dollars I dont have. DENNIS Frank, you are supposed to tell the other company shareholders before making purchases. Dennis gestures to he and Mac. MAC Yeah, how come Dennis and I werent invited to this prostitute hot tub party? CHARLIE I wouldve gone! DENNIS Well I understand not inviting Charlie, but us? SWACKHAMMER Forget that! Im in the middle of some deep shit here! MAC Not our prostitute party, not our problem. The phone rings. SWACKHAMMER Oh shit. That could be the pimp. He lets the phone ring. CHARLIE Well what should we do? SWACKHAMMER Let it ring.

39. It rings. The ring gets louder and louder. The Nerdlucks all grab their foreheads, theyre clearly hungover. Charlie pounds at the bar. CHARLIE Ah!! Make it stop!! DENNIS Could you please just pick it up? No. SWACKHAMMER

MAC Do it, Frank. No. SWACKHAMMER

SWEET DEE If you dont pick it up, Ill pick it up. SWACKHAMMER Okay, fine, Ill pick it up. Id rather talk to them than have them talk to you. Your ugly voice would only make them angrier, no offense. Sweet Dee is speechless, offended. Swackhammer hesitantly reaches for the phone and picks it up. Hello? SWACKHAMMER (CONTD)

INT. BUGS ROOM - DAY MICHAEL Hello? Mr. Swackhammer? This is Michael Jordan. I heard you manage Lebronstar. I need you to set up a basketball game. Lebronstar versus the real LeBron. 1 on 1. If LeBron wins, he gets his powers back. Bugs and LeBron shoot MJ a thumbs up. INT. BAR - DAY SWACKHAMMER (sighing in relief) Oh, its only Michael Jordan. (MORE)

40. SWACKHAMMER (CONT'D) And are you kidding? Lebronstars on fire, LeBron doesnt have a chan... Dollar signs flash in Swackhammers eyes. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) Wait, yes! I can set this up, yes, no problem! (beat, then) Sure, tomorrow at 8 oclock here on the Moron Mountain court. No problemo! Swackhammer hangs up. He lets out a big sigh of relief. CHARLIE Who was that? MAC Was that Michael Jordan? Like, the basketball player? SWACKHAMMER (sarcastic) No, Michael B. Jordan from The Wire and Chronicle. DENNIS Whens the last time you dealt with basketball? MAC Yeah, you dont know shit about basketball. SWACKHAMMER I know basketball. I havent told you guys, but Ive been managing Lebronstar. MAC Youve been managing Lebronstar!? Thats where all that money came from? DENNIS Hes undefeatable. SWACKHAMMER Exactly. Thats all I need to know about basketball. I just set up a game of 1 on 1 with him and the real LeBron. (MORE)

41. SWACKHAMMER (CONT'D) LeBron thinks he can win and get his powers back, ha! With all the money I make off ticket sales, Ill be able to pay off the pimp. Easy cash! DENNIS Yeah it is, this is gonna be real easy cash for us. CHARLIE Money money money! SWACKHAMMER Oh no you dont. You guys arent getting involved. Why not? SWEET DEE

MAC Dee, youre not getting involved. We get that. But why not me or Dennis? CHARLIE What? What about me?!? Or me!? SWEET DEE

SWACKHAMMER No! You guys are not getting involved! Im gonna go into the back room and call Lebronstar. I dont want any of you guys getting involved! Swackhammer exits to the back room. Dennis looks over to the gang. DENNIS So how are we gonna get involved? INT. BUGSS ROOM - DAY MICHAEL Alright, well LeBron, if youre going to play Lebronstar tomorrow, youre going to need to get some of your mojo back. Well need to train until sunset.

42. LEBRON Lets do this. Bill, lets go. They stand up. Lola grabs Bill Murrays butt. BILL MURRAY Actually Ill catch up with you guys later. MICHAEL Guess its just the two of us. EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY Just The Two Of Us by Will Smith plays during this touching montage. LeBron takes a shot and air-balls. Michael shakes his head. He comes up behind LeBron and moves LeBron's hands to demonstrate proper form. LeBron looks back and they make uncomfortable, sexually charged eye contact. They simultaneously look away, blushing. Michael Jordan dribbles the ball really good between his legs or something. LeBron tries to do this but the ball hits him in the balls. He makes a face just like Shrek does when Shrek gets hit in the balls in the movie Shrek (2001). LeBron is dribbling with Michael playing great D. Ive always felt that Michaels D was underrated. LeBron takes a shot and Michael packs him. Great D. Dang it. LEBRON

LeBron takes a shot backwards with his eyes closed from half court. He misses, but they expected that. They giggle in friendship. LeBron and Michael do their secret handshake routine. LeBron takes his shirt off. LEBRON (CONTD) Shirts vs. Skins. Michael does a 360 dunk. MICHAEL (in slow motion) Raaaaahhhhhhh!

43. LEBRON Super dunk! They high five. MICHAEL Some day youll have a super dunk. Michael covers his eyes with one hand and shoots a basket with the other. Swish! (NOTE: If you pause the movie right here and draw an illuminati symbol on the screen, there will be an illuminati symbol on the screen). LeBron takes a 3 and misses. Dang it. LEBRON

MICHAEL Thats okay, your form is improving. LeBron makes a lay up, barely. MICHAEL (CONTD) I think thats about as good as were gonna get today. Dang it. LEBRON

The music fades out as Michael and LeBron walk shoulder to shoulder into the sunset. End montage. That was my favorite montage. I really dig this script so far. So do you. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Michael, LeBron, and Bill Murray are laying in the same bed. MICHAEL Good night LeBron, good night Bill. LEBRON Good night Bill, good night Michael. BILL MURRAY Good night Michael, Good night LeBron.

44. Bill Murray turns off a lamp and they shut their eyes, all facing straight up. CLOSE UP: Michael sleeping. We hear his dream: ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Wow! 3 points! Everybody, Michael Jordan is back! This is amazing! Woo-hoo! CLOSE UP: LeBron sleeping. We hear his dream: ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Oh no! Only 2 points! Everybody, LeBron is not back! What a disappointment. Boo-hoo! CLOSE UP: song with rocks. We the sound roars. Bill Murray sleeping. We hear his dream: A rock classical influence is playing and it totally hear girls moan, jet ski engines roar, fireworks, of candy exploding, a churro crunches, a crowd ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Gotdamn, Bill Murrays got a bigass dick! Four points! EXT. FOREST - DAY The most beautiful, picturesque sunrise, the kind that only happens in dreams, illuminates the scene. A butterfly emerges from a cocoon. The camera follows a rainbow. The end of the rainbow sparkles as the light collides with a waterfall flowing into a fresh water lake, pristine and clear. EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY A train arrives at the station. The 3 boyz stand there, waiting. As the train arrives, their scarves blow in the wind. Bugs and Lola are there too. Bill Murray turns to Lola. BILL MURRAY Goodbye Lola. He bends her back and gives her a dramatic kiss goodbye. Bugs is wearing drag. BUGS Goodbye boys.

45. Bugs grabs Michael and LeBron and bends himself back, making them both simultaneously smooch him goodbye in the same dramatic fashion. MJ, LBJ, and BM pick up their bags, board the train, and never look back. We see Bugs and Lola tear up and hold each other for comfort in the reflection of the train as it departs. LOLA They grow up so fast. BUGS Theyll be back. Theyll be back. INT. TRAIN - DAY The three are posted inside of a train car, as it zips through Tune Town. Bill Murray sits with one leg over the other, reading the New York Times while wearing a monocle. Michael Jordan naps like a lil baby. LeBron just looks bored as shit. LEBRON I shouldve brought a book. I just bought Dan Browns newest Robert Langdon best-seller, Inferno, too! Its supposed to be a real thrill ride. And a fascinating exploration into the world of art history! Wow, I cant wait to read that book. (beat) Bill, can I borrow the sports section? BILL MURRAY LeBron, you know its my thing that I have to read the entire Times every day. LEBRON No, I didnt. BILL MURRAY Whatever. I cant let you impede on my thing. Its just what I do. Sorry, champ. LeBron sighs. He looks out the window. He sees cartoon characters playing on a playground. He smiles, but then pauses. A look of confusion dawns on his face.

46. LEBRON Wait, if were going to Moron Mountain... then why are we on a train through Tune Town? He shoves MJ to wake him up. LEBRON (CONTD) Guys. We fucked up. Wha.. How? MICHAEL

LEBRON If we want to go to Moron Mountain, we need a spaceship! NOT a train. MICHAEL Ohhhhh! Duhhhh. A spaceship! BILL MURRAY Right. Yayyyy! They all share a hardy laugh. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) Ill go figure it out. Bill Murray leaves the car. LeBron and MJ stand silently together. MICHAEL Well, at least when they stole your powers, you didnt lose your sense of direction! They crack up again. The laugh fades into an awkward silence. LEBRON Yup, still got it. MICHAEL Oh, I know you do. MJ does more than look at LeBron: he looks through LeBron. The look penetrates LeBron. MJs eyes burn with an intensity unseen by humankind for millennia, a stare so deeply innate that its incomprehensibly vexing to modern day society. This look was only accessible when human was beast and man was natural. He stares deeply into LeBron's eyes. The stare transcends language. LeBron is captivated by the gaze, foreign yet familiar. MJ cups LeBron's face, like a loving mother. They start to move in close to each other to get a better look.

47. Bill Murray runs in, hair unkempt and shirt unbuttoned, holding sensual oils. BILL MURRAY Guys! I found some random super hot broads that said theyre going to Moron Mountain! Lets go! They all high five. FREEZE FRAME. (NOTE: The frozen image of the three high-fiving is also a symbol of the illuminati. It predicts the imminent future of Michael Jordan, LeBron James, and Bill Murray joining forces to take over the world ((SUBNOTE: Spoiler Alert))). EXT. MORON MOUNTAIN - NIGHT The spacecraft containing LeBron, MJ, Bill Murray, and the two hot chicks zips into Moron Mountain. The enormous run-down WELCOME TO MORON MOUNTAIN sign flickers a dim light. They zoom over Swackhammers old, shitty amusement park. The plane lands in a long area in the park with trash, needles, and broken glass all over the place. The three bros walk out. Swackhammer waits for them. SWACKHAMMER Welcome to Moron Mountain, cow fuckers! LEBRON Did he just say we fucked a cow? BILL MURRAY Nah, he just called us cow fuckers. LeBron shrugs and agrees. They walk over to Swackhammer. MICHAEL This place is horrid. Is this still a functioning park? SWACKHAMMER No! And you know why? Because you jerked me over in the first movie by beating my Nerdlucks! Once that plan failed, the recession hit, and I basically went bankrupt.

48. MICHAEL Oh, Im sorry to hear that. I personally know a lot of people who were hit hard by the recession who are fighting for jobs each and every day, scrappy out of necessity. SWACKHAMMER Yeah, I mean, and with Obamacare and everything... what are you gonna do? Exactly. MICHAEL

SWACKHAMMER Lebronstar is my last hope to scratch together some money to feed my three, I mean, two, kids... A tear starts to stream down his face. He bawls his eyes out. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) What happened to the common working man? The three feel remorse for the guy. They go in to give him a group hug. LEBRON It will all be okay, big guy. Swackhammer rejects the hug and smiles. SWACKHAMMER Are you kidding? Of course it will. Im about to make an ass ton of cash! And all of it with your basketball powers! Hahaha! Swackhammer starts walking and gestures for them to follow. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) So LeBron James, huh? LEBRON Thats my name, you can wear it out if you want, I really dont mind. I hear you got a game for me. SWACKHAMMER Oh you bet your sweet black ass I do! (MORE)

49. SWACKHAMMER (CONT'D) Lets get in the car, fruitcakes. Lebronstar waits for no man. Lets boogie oogie. The three pile into Swackhammers spaceship version of an old station wagon. He starts the car and speeds away into the air. INT/EXT. - SPACE HIGHWAY - DAY Swackhammer is stuck in space traffic. They all sit silently in the car, staring ahead. LEBRON ...so you enjoy living on Moron Mountain? SWACKHAMMER The traffic is bad, but I like driving, so I dont even mind it that much. I listen to a lot of podcasts. EXT. MORON MOUNTAIN BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT They walk up to a Rucker Park style outdoor street-ball court. A crowd of people lines the walls. Swackhammer and crew enter. SWACKHAMMER Fellas, I give you... Lebronstar. Slow footsteps are heard in the distance. They get louder and louder, the ground trembling, until Lebronstar LEAPS over the the fence and the people onto the court. LeBron, MJ, and Bill Murrays jaws DROP in shock. LEBRON Hes so big! My god. MICHAEL

BILL MURRAY Eh, Ive seen bigger. It is revealed that Lebronstar is naked and has his big floppy thick black dick out. Bill Murray looks down at his junk through his pants, then looks into the camera and gives a thumbs up.

50. LeBron defensively looks down at his own dick, then back up, worried and bothered. MICHAEL And he seems pretty good at basketball too. Lebronstar snarls with anger, his eyes burning red. He doesnt have time for this shit. He lets out an angry grunt then grabs Swackhammer, crumples him up into a little basketball, and forcefully throws him into the basket. LEBRON He looks angry. What am I going to do? MICHAEL Do what you always do. LEBRON Play basketball? YES! MICHAEL

MJ slaps him on the butt. LeBron storms onto the court, ready to play ball. He strips off his warm-up sweats while thrusting himself forward like a rock star. LEBRON Lets get jammin. LeBron loosens up. He goes over to the scorers table and throws white powder up in the air. LeBron coughs violently when some of it gets in his face. Swackhammer laughs. LEBRON (CONTD) Pffft, what is this stuff? SWACKHAMMER Peruvian coke. It gets Lebronstar going. And we knew you had that stupid routine and wanted to fuck with you. Consider yourself fucked with, kid. BILL MURRAY (whispering to MJ) Is this kid doped up? Hes got no chance against this Monstar!

51. MICHAEL Well he did just accidentally intake a bunch of cocaine. Plus, I injected him with a whole bunch of that juice from Space Jam 1. BILL MURRAY Wasnt that just water? Exactly. MICHAEL

INT. BASKETBALL COURT - CONTINUOUS Pump Up the Jam by Technotronic plays as the two take the court. They step to each other, scowls of hate on both faces. Lebronstar towers over LeBron. LeBron looks up at his foe, ready to say a bad ass line. LEBRON Youre my villain, and Im gonna beat you! Tip-off. Lebronstar grabs the ball from mid-air, punches LeBron in the Johnson, and runs down the court to dunk. LeBron falls to his knees. LEBRON (CONTD) My... Johnson... hurts... very... much. LeBron proceeds to suck even harder than he ever has throughout the game. And Lebronstar is totally dominant! Lebronstar clutches the ball at the three-point line. LeBron guards him, but gives him space. Lebronstar bitch slaps him into the stands, then hits a wet 3. Lebronstar drives to the rack and literally shits onto LeBron's face while dunking on him. MICHAEL Clean-up on aisle LeBron. BILL MURRAY Mike, leave the improvised comedy to me, k bud? LeBron then gets trapped into a corner by Lebronstar with no dribble left.

52. LEBRON Man, I wish I had a teammate to pass this ball to. Lebronstar rips the ball from him and dunks immediately from the other side of the court. Lebronstar lets out a battle cry. LEBRONSTAR Grrahghgahaaaaaaaa!!! Swackhammer laughs in delight in the faces of Bill Murray and Michael Jordan. Back on the basketball court. In a last ditch attempt at dignity, LeBron steals the ball and dribbles down the court on a fast break. Lebronstar laughs. LEBRON I know I can at least make a layup. Too late. Lebronstar pulls out a gat and shoots LeBron in the foot, stopping him in his tracks. LEBRONSTAR BLAP BLAP BLAP BLAP!!! LeBron falls to the ground, now bleeding. LEBRON You shot me, bruh! What the fuck! (beat) And my podiatrist JUST moved. Final Score: Lebronstar: 52 LeBron: 0. Lebron gets back up and snaps his fingers in frustration. LEBRON (CONTD) Got damn. I need to step my game up. BILL MURRAY He needs to step his game up. LeBron limps off the court. Lebronstar is surrounded by super-hot large chested Nerdluck women dressed in scantily clothed attire and swags off, flipping LeBron the bird with both hands.

53. He turns around and hocks a huge loogie 50 feet. It lands on LeBron's sweet brand new Nikes (NOTE: The sneakers are available in both standard and Special Edition Lebronstar Loogie Edition in a store near you!). LeBron sulks up to Michael and Bill Murray. LEBRON I have no talent. Hes so much better than me. This is some shameful shit. MJ approaches LeBron from behind and puts his arm around LeBron's shoulder, as if to say that everything is going to be okay. MICHAEL Well get through this, son. LEBRON IM DONE, MJ. I dont need the false hope. Or a false dad! I may not know who my father is but its probably not you. MICHAEL Hey, I know what you need to do. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? LEBRON Take 5th Avenue to Broadway, walk six blocks, then take a left? MICHAEL Nah, man. Practice, practice, practice. And some good tunes. Beat. Awkward silence. Michael and LeBron turn to face Bill Murray. Bill Murray takes out his boom box and plays Push It by Salt N Pepa. EXT. TUNE HOUSE - NIGHT The song leads into the next scene as it bumps from the Tune House. Bill Murray, MJ, and LeBron are dropped off outside the house, which seems relatively quiet. BILL MURRAY We might as well see what the Tunes are up to.

54. LEBRON Nah, Bill. I dont think Im in the mood to hang out with the Tunes after that loss. Im just gonna go to bed. BILL MURRAY What?? LeBron. Come on. You need to take your mind off that terrible loss by partying like a prizewinning horse jockey! LeBron contemplates this for a second. Bill Murray mouths horse tranquilizers. LEBRON Im not sure. I think I just need some rest. BILL MURRAY Rest can wait. Tune parties dont happen that often. LEBRON Im pretty sure they have one every night. BILL MURRAY Whatever! What you need is some fun. He looks over at MJ to see if this is okay. MICHAEL I agree. Lets take a load off. LEBRON (sigh) Alright. I guess I could afford to get a little tankled. They walk up the stairs to the house, through the door. INT. TUNE HOUSE - NIGHT They enter and... the party surprisingly isnt that #turnt. A smooth Jay-Z song plays in the background (NOTE: Jay-Z has agreed to write an original song for the movie). The Tunes are scattered around smoking blunts. Tweety Bird rolls a fatty next to Sylvester, who shotguns a blunt with Foghorn Leghorn.

55. Theyre also drinking 40s like it aint nuthin. These Tunes are just chillin. MJ looks down at his watch. It reads 12:45. MICHAEL Its pretty late, maybe the party is almost over? They find Bugs Bunny chillin, drinkin and smokin. Hey Bugs. LEBRON

BUGS Boys! How was the game? LEBRON Pretty close, but he pulled out the win. BILL MURRAY LeBron lost 52 to 0 and Lebronstar literally shat on his face.

BUGS (CONTD) Shit, that sucks man. Well at least youre back in time for the party. ...we are? MICHAEL

BUGS Ha, dude, the pre-party hasnt even started yet, bitch. LeBron and Michaels jaws drop. Bill Murray smiles wide. BILL MURRAY Then lets get turnt up, motherfuckers! Porky Pig hands the three some Molly. They pop them into their mouths in unison. CUT TO: The party is CRAZY. The place is dark with only crazy strobe lights flashing over the crowd who does the cooking dance and wilds out while Monopoly by Danny Brown bumps. Tunes continue to pass around blunts and kill bottles of Hennessey. Bill Murray ghetto grinds with Lola Bunny. MJ and LeBron get hyphy with Bugs and Daffy, sweat drenching offof all of them.

56. Half a bottle of Hennessey is passed to LeBron. He kills the entire thing and smashes it to the floor. LEBRON (drunkenly) Fuck Lebronstar! BUGS Guys, come with me for a second. INT. BUGS ROOM - NIGHT The three follow Bugs into his room. A large gat lies on Bugs bureau. Elmer Fudd lounges on a couch. Daffy Duck stands in the corner lighting fire-crackers. Bugs shuffles through a drawer then pulls out a kilo of cocaine. BUGS Who wants to take a nosedive into this first? Elmer Fudd doesnt hesitate. He sinks his face into the pile of cocaine and huffs. ELMER FUDD Wooooo Bugs, duck season... wabbit season... I dont care anymore man. Im high as FUCK. BUGS Aight Fuddrucker, Im with it. Whos next? LEBRON Thanks, Bugs, but I really dont think we should be doing this... MJ slams his face into the pile and takes a large snort. LEBRON (CONTD) (shocked) MJ... this is going too far. MICHAEL Since when am I a role model? I invested in the Bobcats. I rock a fucking Hitler mustache. No one should be taking advice from me. MJ takes another nose dive into the coke pile.

57. MICHAEL (CONTD) Gahhhh! Got Damn. I think I just creamed my Hanes, bruh. Michaels subtle Hitler mustache is colored white with cocaine. LeBron shakes his head and looks up to the sky. LEBRON Forgive me, Lord. He takes a hard nose dive into the coke pile. LeBrons life flashes before his eyes in quick flashes: Baby LeBron dunking on a small hoop, toddler LeBron dunking, toddler Lebron crying asking his mom where and who his father is, preteen LeBron dunking, White teen LeBron dunking, adult LeBron dunking, and current LeBron crying. He snaps back into reality. His nose is bleeding. He starts to fall back, but regains composure. LEBRON (CONTD) (dazed, muttered) Yowza, man... times 1000. Damn, son. Daddy Likey. INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS The party is more intense now. Heavy, intimidating, techno plays with force. The Tunes are all in a drug-induced trance on the dance floor, feeling the music. Everyones eyes are zonked out. LeBron and MJ cant help but join in. Elsewhere, though we dont see it, Bill Murray is shoulder deep in tail. As LeBron dances around, his eye catches SPANKY, a sexy, trashy, green cartoon prostitute. Think green Jessica Rabbit drug addict. She wears a short black skirt and fishnet stockings. Make-up covers her face. Her cartoon hair is dyed red. LeBron is captivated. She Blinded Me With Science by Thomas Dolby begins to play as he takes in Spankys beauty. She pulls out a crack pipe. LEBRON Perfection. LeBron approaches Spanky.

58. LEBRON (CONTD) Hello, miss thang. She looks up with a sneer. SPANKY (raspy) Yeah, whatta ya want? LeBron giggles. LEBRON I just thought you were too beautiful not to ask you to dance. SPANKY How about we just go upstairs and get this over with right away? LEBRON Uh, oh boy, okay! The two leave the room. LeBron turns back to MJ and gives an excited thumbs up. INT. TUNE HOUSE - NIGHT The clock reads 5:30 A.M. The party is on another level. Now it is more toned down and dark. The theme from Requiem For a Dream plays. Pepe Le Pew and Penelope Pussycat are fucking in the living room, hot and heavy, just out in the open. Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner tie off to shoot heroin. ROADRUNNER Beep... b... He dozes off. Bugs lies passed out on the kitchen floor with a bottle of codeine next to him. INT. UPSTAIRS TUNE ROOM - NIGHT LeBron lies in bed, shirtless, next to Spanky, who wears a short night gown. He brushes his hand through her hair, mesmerized. SPANKY Lemme guess, I was your first Tune.

59. LEBRON (defensive) What, no, Ive been with, uh, tons of Tunes! SPANKY Its okay sweetie, I wont tell anyone. LEBRON (sheepish) Thanks, Spanky. SPANKY Sure thang. Mamas got the taste for human meat, but lets just say you were extra flavorful. LEBRON So were you. A very long pause. LEBRON (CONTD) I think I love you, Spanky. SPANKY I thought youd never say it. They make out passionately. They pull away and LeBron yawns. SPANKY (CONTD) Get some rest, sugar. LeBron smiles in satisfaction as he drifts to sleep. Spanky immediately hops out of bed and steals his wallet. INT. TUNE HOUSE - NIGHT MJ shoots up heroin, a look of deep pain on his face. MICHAEL My world is full of darkness. There is no meaning to life anymore. Tweety Bird lies passed out in her cage, a bottle and remnants of prescription drugs scattered about. Wile E. Coyote, Foghorn Leghorn, Pepe Le Pew, Marvin the Martian, and MICHIGAN J. FROG play Russian Roulette with Bugss gat. They drink purple drank as they play.

60. The guns moves to Michigan J. Frog. He slowly holds it up to his head, shivering. MICHIGAN J. FROG (whimpering) Hello... my... baby. Hello... my honey. Hello... my ragtime-A gun shot rings out. CUT TO BLACK. EXT. PARK - DAY LeBron solemnly walks around, pondering the meaning of life. He holds a donut still in its Dumkin Donuts wrapper. He kicks his leg in the air in frustration. LEBRON (sigh, then) Dang it. Im so hung over. He picks a flower from the grass and sits on a bench. He takes a bite of his donut. LEBRON (CONTD) (with his mouth very full) I used to be a flower in the grass. Just a perfect, solitary flower in the grass, more beautiful and amazing than everyone else in the world. But then it all changed. LeBron sighs and begin to pluck away at the petals. LEBRON (CONTD) Ill get my powers back. (plucks petal) Ill get my powers back not. (plucks another petal) Ill get my powers back. (plucks last petal) Ill get my powers back not. LeBron looks down at the stem, no petals remaining. He rips it in half. Dang it. LEBRON (CONTD)

LeBron puts on really really cool sunglasses and looks up at the sun.

61. LEBRON (CONTD) Whats the point of life if Im not any good at basketball? He finishes his donut. He crumbles the wrapper into a ball and tries to shoot it into a nearby trash can. He misses. LEBRON (CONTD) (sigh, then) Dang it. INT. TUNE HOUSE - DAY LeBron enters. The house is a shithole, with empty bottles and used needles scattered around the floor. He walks to the living room, where Bill Murray, Michael, Bugs, and Lola are hanging out. Hopeless, LeBron's knees collapse from under him and he falls to the floor. He lifts up a small rug from the floor and buries his head underneath it. LOLA Whats wrong LeBron? LEBRON Lebronstars way better than me. Im never getting my powers back. Whats the point? LeBron's friends all look at each other, worried. LOLA Ah, come on LeBron. Dont say that. You can get your powers back. Yeah. MICHAEL

BILL MURRAY Come on LeBron. Bill Murray spanks him. MICHAEL Ah, come on LeBron. Michael spanks him. BUGS Come on LeBron.

62. Bugs spanks him. LOLA Ah, come on LeBron. Lola spanks him. LOLA (CONTD) Youll get your powers back. LeBron emerges from underneath the carpet. LEBRON Oh yeah? How? MICHAEL You have to beat Lebronstar in a game of basketball. LEBRON I cant do that without my b-ball powers! He just destroyed me. LeBron nuzzles his head against Michael Jordans shoulder. LEBRON (CONTD) Face it Basketball Buddy #2, its hopeless. MICHAEL Im sorry Basketball Buddy #3, I know its hard. But hey, listen. I didnt even make the varsity basketball team in my freshman year of high school. BILL MURRAY Me neither. LeBron cracks a smile. BUGS I didnt make my high school basketball team as a freshman. LOLA Me neither. LeBron giggles. LEBRON (sneaky) I did.

63. MICHAEL You see? You were a 9th grade phenom. If you could make the team as a freshman in high school then you can definitely do this. LOLA The best basketball player in history couldnt even make the team as a freshman and you did! BUGS That makes you better than the best basketball player of all time. Michael growls a bit. LEBRON Even better thank Mike? Wait a minute, that makes me... the best basketball player of all time! Exactly! BILL MURRAY

Michael shakes his head. MICHAEL Whether youre technically the best basketball player of all time or not, youre pretty damn good. So good, that you dont need your basketball playing abilities to be able to play basketball! LEBRON Youre right. I can do this. Im the best player of all time. I can beat Lebronstar! Well... EVERYONE BESIDES LEBRON

LEBRON Cmon! I was so close last time. Michael pats LeBron on the shoulder. MICHAEL You beating Lebronstar one on one? No way. BUGS But on a team--

64. BILL MURRAY You can play against Lebonstars team-LOLA And if you beat him in that game-LEBRON Ill get my powers back! MICHAEL Perfect! Ill be the coach! Yeah! LEBRON

BUGS And us Looney Tunes can be your team! Crickets. Bugs scratches his arm, filled with holes from all the heroine he shoots. On the outskirts of the living room are Tweety, Sylvester, Foghorn Leghorn, Speedy Gonzalez, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and every other Looney Tune ever passed out on the floor. The floor looks so disgusting we can practically smell the puke. BUGS (CONTD) Right LeBron? Bron Bron and the Tunes, I can see it now! LEBRON (halfheartedly) Yeah, totally... MICHAEL What we need to do is set up this team game before its too late. Were gonna have to do it through that buttbag Mr. Swackhammer. Lets go to Moron Mountain, now! Right now? LEBRON

MICHAEL Right.... NOW! SMASH CUT TO:

65. EXT. SHITTY MORON MOUNTAIN APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Michael, LeBron, and Bill Murray look up at a shitty apartment building. They walk up to the speaker system and push #36. There is a ring. SWACKHAMMER (IN THE SPEAKERS) What? Whos there? BILL MURRAY (to the guys) Ill handle this. (into the speaker) Hey, Mr. Swackhammer. Its me. Bill Murray. Acting Commissioner of the NBA. And I dont mean just one kind of acting. Im an actor, in films like 80s smash hits Ghostbusters and Ghostsbusters 2, too. Mr. Swackhammer, Im gonna cut to the chase. My friends Michael Jordan, LeBron James and I are here at your wonderful apartment building-The ceiling leaks and a drop of water falls on LeBron's head. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) --to propose a business investment. And maybe well stay for some dinner, especially if its spaghetti. Now, may we come up? SWACKHAMMER (IN THE SPEAKERS) (not into the microphone) Shut up, Charlie Im on the phone! We hear a gun go off in the speakers. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) Yeah, come on up. Ill buzz you. The sound of the speakers BUZZ becomes the buzz of... THE DOORBELL - DAY BUZZ goes the doorbell.

66. EXT. SWACKHAMMERS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Swackhammer opens the door. His apartment is the same exact apartment as Frank Reynolds apartment in Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Swackhammer lives with Charlie from the bar, they share a single bed (a pullout couch). SWACKHAMMER Come on in. INT. SWACKHAMMERS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Swackhammer leads the boys into the apartment. Charlie is huffing gasoline from a spray can on the couch. Charlie passes out. BILL MURRAY Nice to meet you too. SWACKHAMMER And were housing Lebronstar as well. LEBRON Lebronstar?!? Is he here? SWACKHAMMER No he went out to practice his dunk. Like the guy needs to practice. Bill Murray, sitting alone on the retractable couch (which is currently acting as a couch), gestures for the group to come hither. And they do. BILL MURRAY Swackhammer, we are here to suggest a rematch. Double or nothing. But this time, its a team match. A team match rematch. SWACKHAMMER No way, guy. Were rolling in dough. (to whole group) Blow off, dickholes. BILL MURRAY You could double that dough. SWACKHAMMER Double dough... huh?

67. He looks around at his shitty apartment. He looks down at the couch bed he shares with another heterosexual man. CLOSE UP on Swackhammers ear: hes wearing an earpiece. INT. SWACKHAMMERS VENTS - DAY Jason Schwartzman lays scrunched in a tiny air vent, spying on the gang. He speaks into a walkie talkie. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Tell him no. Tell him no. You dont need that stinking dough. INT. SWACKHAMMERS LIVING ROOM - DAY Swackhammers stomach rumbles. SWACKHAMMER I need that dough. I need that dough. JASON SCHWARTZMAN No dough. No dough. Dont do dough. SWACKHAMMER Do-do, me want mo dough. What? BILL MURRAY

JASON SCHWARTZMAN (O.S.) Tell him no. Yes. Dang it! SWACKHAMMER JASON SCHWARTZMAN (O.S.)

The three boyz high five. INT. SPACESHIP - DAY The three boyz sit in a row on a really cool spaceship. MICHAEL That was easy as hell. BILL MURRAY 3 point swish, 10 out of 10.

68. LEBRON Not so fast. We still have a problem. Whos gonna be on my team? Whos good enough to be on a team with LeBron James? BILL MURRAY I thought we decided it was gonna be the Tunes. They can ball, trust me, Ive seent it! MICHAEL Bill, that was nearly 20 years ago. Now... LEBRON Theyre way too drugged out. BILL MURRAY Well instead of trying to avoid this problem, we can solve it! These are our friends were talking about. They have a terrible addiction that they suffer through, every day, day in, day out. I mean theyve been partying non-stop since they won their game with Michael! We need to be the change in their lives. We need to get them to stop. MICHAEL We need to give them an intervention. Word. BILL MURRAY

LEBRON Daddy Likey. INT. TUNE HOUSE LIVING ROOM - DAY Standing there is THE INTERVENTIONIST (ruggedly handsome or sexy beautiful, well-dressed, youthful demeanor, imagine he/she looks just like YOU!) THE INTERVENTIONIST (to LeBron James and Michael Jordan) A little to the left!

69. LeBron and Michael hang a sign that reads Happy Intervention! as Bill Murray takes a final swig of Jack and Coke before hiding his glass. EXT. TUNE HOUSE - DAY Bugs and the rest of the Looney Tunes (Lola, Daffy, Porky Pig, Taz, Tweety, Sylvester, Elmer Fudd, Marvin the Martian, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, Wile E. Coyote, Roadrunner, Speedy Gonzalez, and Pepe Le Pew) drive up in their respective low riders, blasting trap music (especially Flip That Bitch a Few Times by Juicy J). Pepe lowers the windows on his car, releasing a massive amount of built up marijuana smoke. PEPE LE PEW Woo, stanky! INT. TUNE HOUSE LIVING ROOM - DAY The Tunes enter their house and see Bill Murray, LeBron, and Michael sitting on the couch. BILL, MICHAEL, AND LEBRON Surprise!... Intervention!... The interventionist (you) emerges from behind a pillar. THE INTERVENTIONIST Hi Im *YOUR NAME HERE*, have a seat. Beep beep. ROADRUNNER

Roadrunner and Speedy Gonzalez run away. THE INTERVENTIONIST Theyll be back. The Tunes all have a seat on the couch. DAFFY Bruh, I dont fuck with no interventionist. SYLVESTER Whats going on, here? PORKY Yeah, what the f-f-fuck is this?

70. Wile E. Coyote pulls out a sign that says What? Your they you. drug THE INTERVENTIONIST friends are here today because love you, and they care about They dont want to see your addiction hurt you.

MARVIN Im not addicted to anything. THE INTERVENTIONIST Your friends seem to think otherwise. I see some classic signs that you need help. DAFFY What signs? The Interventionist takes Wile E.s sign and flips it over. It says HELP (often used when he falls off of a cliff). Wile E. GULPS. Classic. Its apparent by the look on all of the Tunes faces that this is a hard pill to swallow. THE INTERVENTIONIST Michael, is there anything youd like to say to your friends? MICHAEL (really fast) You guys do drugs too much to play basketball on a team with my friend LeBron but he really needs a team to play with so he can get his powers back but we dont know who it should be because you guys do so many drugs, thats how many drugs you do. THE INTERVENTIONIST Alright, good. LeBron, do you have anything to say? LEBRON (defensive) Michael already said what I was gonna say! THE INTERVENTIONIST (stern) Then say something else.

71. LEBRON Fine!... uh... um... you guys are... uh... dumb. THE INTERVENTIONIST No, dont say that! You guys arent dumb! ELMER FUDD Whatever, this is dumb. I have mushwooms and ecstacy, who wants to go hippie flip that shit? TUNES Me! / I do! / I wanna hippie flip that shit! The Tunes all turn towards the door. Bill Murray makes a stand and stands up. Wait! No! BILL MURRAY

Everyone stops to listen to Bill Murray speak. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) You guys. I know its fun to do drugs every once in a while, you know, smoke a little weed with your friends, do a little blow with a girl, shoot up a little heroin with your mom. But you cant do it all the time. Drugs are a sometimes thing. If you do drugs too often, you start to become bored with them. Do you really want drugs to be boring? Do you? I mean, really, what the fuck is wrong with you? There is something wrong with you, you got that? You need to accept that. Your drug use is a problem. Plus drugs are expensive as hell, and honestly, I dont know how you guys can afford them, especially in this economy, with Obamacare and everything. Exactly. MICHAEL

BILL MURRAY Really you all must be doing very well for yourselves. (MORE)

72. BILL MURRAY (CONT'D) So congratulations for that. But still, drugs are bad! FOGHORN LEGHORN Well I say, I say, I say, god damn. Hes right. Bugs takes a deep breath. BUGS Sounds like the Looney Tunes are going to rehab! Back to Black by Amy Winehouse begins to play. BUGS (CONTD) But first, someone needs to go catch Roadrunner and Speedy. Wile E. raises his hand. Not you. BUGS (CONTD)

Wile E. lowers his hand, dejected. INT. REHAB - DAY Back to Black continues to play as a rehab montage begins. ANGLE ON Wile E. screaming! He runs away from something. We WIDEN OUT to reveal that he is running away from a Nurse-Bot (automated Robot Nurse) in a drug rehab center. In fact, all of the Looney Tunes are running away from NurseBots! Bugs is dressed in drag trying to fool one, Speedy and Roadrunner run figure eights all around the room, and Elmer Fudd takes his gun out and points it at a nurse. A Nurse-Bot promptly hits Elmer in the face with a pan (which flattens his face) and the nurse-bot takes his gun (NOTE: This Nurse-Bot program is run by the government, and this seizure of a mans firearms is ILLEGAL due to the second amendment). EXT. REHAB GARDEN - DAY Taz snorts a line of cocaine off of his own dick and then immediately transitions into peeing on to a bed of flowers. A Nurse-Bot TACKLES him.

73. INT. SHOCK THERAPY ROOM - DAY Marvin the Martian is attached to a machine that raps around his head. A Nurse-Bot grabs a big lever and pulls it down, causing Marvin to suffer an electric SHOCK. He shakes violently as a vicious current of electricity courses through his little martian veins. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Daffy Duck is in a communal bathroom stall, dumping out the last of his heroine needles into a toilet. Teary eyed, he flushes. He cries. DAFFY Waaaaahhhhhh!!! Wah wah wah quack. A single little duck tear runs down his little duck face. INT. ACTIVITIES ROOM - DAY Foghorn Leghorn kicks Yosemite Sams ass in ping pong. FOGHORN LEGHORN Well I say I say I say thats 10-0 and Im-a-winnin. Ah, shit. YOSEMITE SAM

Sylvester lays down at a bench press, without a spotter. He lifts the bar, which holds a large weight on either end. Its obviously too heavy and his elbows fall back, having the bar land on his neck. The bar BENDS around his neck and the weights make a loud THUD as they slam to the ground. INT. REHAB BEDROOM - NIGHT Taz tosses and turns in bed, unable to sleep. Hes experiencing insomnia, a sign of withdrawal. INT. GROUP THERAPY ROOM - DAY In group therapy Pepe Le Pew cries little skunk tears. PEPE LE PEW ...and he said Son, you stink. Pepe bawls.

74. INT. ARTS AND CRAFTS ROOM - DAY Lola, wearing a Bob Marley shirt, struggles to carve a bong out of a bar of soap. INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY A Nurse-Bot checks Speedys arm for needle marks. Speedy extends his arms. SPEEDY GONZALEZ Look, Im clean. The Nurse-Bot flips his arms around with her twisting robot hands, revealing the back side of his arms. They are full of needle marks. Speedy smiles as if to say Oops, was that me? (NOTE: Shooting heroin in the back of your arm will not work. Stick to the front of your arms. Thats where your veins are). INT. REHAB CAFETERIA - DAY A Nurse-Bot spoon feeds Tweety Bird with robotic precision. Delicious. TWEETY BIRD

SYLVESTER (O.S.) You bet you are! WIDEN OUT to reveal that Sylvester is standing behind Tweety with a fork and knife. A Nurse-Bot promptly hits Sylvester in the face with a pan (which flattens his face). The Nurse-Bot takes his fork and knife and MELTS the utensils with its ROBOT LASER VISION. The melted metal left from the fork and knife droops down into Tweetys food. TWEETY BIRD This is weird. INT. ACTIVITIES ROOM - DAY The ping pong table is folded up so that its like playing tennis against a wall. Yosemite Sam practices playing ping pong against the board/wall, poorly. Still, hes showing signs of improvement. Sylvester lays at the bench press with Foghorn Leghorn spotting him.

75. This time the weights around the bar are tiny, 2.5 pounds each. Sylvester is barely able to put a few reps in. Foghorn Leghorn is forced to intervene and he grabs the bar. FOGHORN LEGHORN Now come on come on come on you can I said you can do better than that now cant you? I mean I know youre a pussycat and all but come on I mean I can lift this and Im a -Im a -- Im a chicken, you see, I have feathers and I cant fly. Im a chicken and youre a cat and you can lift this. Sylvester pushes, FINALLY APPLYING HIMSELF, DAD, and is barely able to lift the bar with Foghorns help. They place it back on to the holders in the rest position. Foghorn shakes his head and walks away. Sylvester stands, visibly disappointed in himself. No matter how hard he tries he always seems to be not quite good enough. INT. TAZS ROOM - DAY Taz reads from the Quran. He nods his head, enjoying it. The intrigued look on his face strongly suggests that hes considering switching to Islam. INT. TWEETYS ROOM - DAY Tweety marks an X on his calendar. TWEETY BIRD Finally, only one more day of rehab. INT. ACTIVITIES ROOM - DAY Yosemite Sam and Foghorn Leghorn play ping pong. YOSEMITE SAM Alright, thats 10-10. All tied up. Sudden death point. Sam serves the ball with decent power and control. Foghorn returns the ball hard, deep in the corner. Yosemite Sam shoots his arm out just in time to get to the ball and hit a vicious slice. Foghorn leans forward as the ball lands short and he reaches out to hit it. He accidentally pops the ball up, high and slow.

76. Yosemite Sam swiftly shuffles his feet and maneuvers into a good forehand position and hits the ball as hard as he can. The ball looks like it may go out but the tremendous amount of topspin added to the ball makes it drop down just in time to hit the corner of the table and bounce off in a strange direction. It whizzes past Foghorn. FOGHORN LEGHORN Well Ill say son, you beat me. Fair and square. Yosemite Sam takes out his two guns and shoots them into the air. Woo-hoo! YOSEMITE SAM

A Nurse-Bot promptly hits Yosemite Sam in the face with a pan (which flattens his face) and takes his guns. FOGHORN LEGHORN Good game, partner. In the corner of the room, a toned Sylvester easily benches 200 pounds. FOGHORN LEGHORN (CONTD) (to Sylvester) And look at you! You furious feline! Sylvester blushes as he finishes benching. 99. 100! SYLVESTER

(NOTE: Sylvester is taking steroids). INT. GYM - DAY Bugs shoots free throws with determination. CLOSE UP: Bugs eyes are burning with passion for the game of basketball. Bugs makes a free throw. Swish. Boo-ya. Bugs wipes the sweat from his forehead. EXT. REHAB - DAY Michael, LeBron, and Bill Murray wait outside in a circle. Michael checks his watch.

77. MICHAEL Come on, whats taking them so long? Its almost game time. BILL MURRAY Be patient. Have faith. Bill Murray does that thing that gentiles do in movies where they draw a cross on their chest with their hand. Alright. MICHAEL

CLOSE UP: Michaels watch ticks away. The ticks get louder and louder. The door to the rehab center opens and all the Tunes step out of the building, finally ready to play some basketball. In unison, the Tunes all jump in the air. Yeah!! LOONEY TUNES

They hug LeBron, MJ, and Bill Murray. BILL MURRAY Are you guys ready to play some good, old-fashioned b-ball? TOONS Yeah!/Yes!/You bet! SYLVESTER

Fuck yeah!

LEBRON Alright then, lets play. MICHAEL Hands in, team! They stand in a circle and all put their hands in. MICHAEL (CONTD) Space Jam 2 on 3! 1, 2, 3! ALL Space Jam 2! EXT. OUTDOOR PRACTICE COURT - DAY The team, now clean, fresh, and ready to go, stands in a semicircle. Michael Jordan steps to the front of the group.

78. MICHAEL The day LeBron asked me to coach this team, I wasnt so sure how itd go. There is so much talent in this group, but so much baggage. Now look at you. Now that youve all gone completely drug-free, youve blossomed before my eyes. Porky, you are speaking completely clearly. PORKY (smooth, deep voice) Why yes I am, Michael. Yes I am. BUGS But you werent speaking clearly before our last big game. PORKY (blushing) I was keeping a secret from you guys for a long time. MICHAEL Lola, you are looking more radiant than ever. She smiles and blushes. Bugs and Bill Murray move to her either side. BUGS Watch it, Jumpman. BILL MURRAY Watch it, Jumpman.

MJ turns to LeBron, who wears a shirt that says Daddy Likey. MICHAEL (CONTD) And you may have lost your talent, Lebby, but you havent lost your heart. And with this team around you? Extreme close-up on Michaels mouth (including his Hitler mustache). MICHAEL (CONTD) You can win this. They all jump in the air and cheer! A practice montage begins, set to Oh Yeah by Yello.

79. Bill Murray dribbles the ball between his legs and hits a three. He turns to the group and shrugs. LeBron tosses an underhand alley-oop that is slammed home by the Tasmanian Devil. Taz motors around the court in celebration. Daffy Duck and Foghorn Leghorn throw creative passes back and forth. Foghorn passes to Daffy and cuts toward the basket. FOGHORN I say, I say, uh, give-and-go! He hits a layup. Quick cuts of Lola hitting ten crazy shots in a row. She looks into the camera and smiles. LOLA Girl power! She winks. Quick cuts of Pepe Le Pew scoring ten baskets. He looks into the camera and smiles. PEPE LE PEW Skunk power! He winks. Quick cuts of Marvin the Martian making ten shots in a row. He looks into the camera and smiles. MARVIN THE MARTIAN Martian power! As he winks, the music abruptly stops as Michael Jordan appears. STOP! MICHAEL

An ashamed Lola, Marvin, and Pepe stand before Michael. MICHAEL (CONTD) Shut your fucking mouths and go do the drills with the rest of the team! Fucking imbeciles. Yes, sir. ALL

80. They walk away, pouting. After theyre gone, Michael looks into the camera and smiles. MICHAEL Coach power! The music comes back on. A roided-up Sylvester does a ferocious dunk. After, he turns and screams in Wile E. Coyotes face, flexing. At the other end of the court, the Tunes stand around as LeBron tries to dunk. He tries to dunk but jumps too soon. He tries again but is too far left. Then, just barely, LeBron DUNKS! They all cheer. A smiling Michael Jordan and Bill Murray do a cool choreographed handshake where they rub each others heads. LeBron turns to the team. Im ready. LEBRON

INT. MORON MOUNTAIN BASKETBALL ARENA - NIGHT The crowd goes wild as LeBron and pals burst through the tunnel through a giant white piece of paper that is an advertisement for MONSANTO. Oh Yeah by Yello fades out as they take to the court to do lay-up lines. The other side of the court is completely bare. Bill Murray nudges LeBron. BILL MURRAY Uh... wheres Lebronstar? LeBron looks at the other side and shrugs. Meanwhile, Mr. Swackhammer walks to his court-side seats, the Always Sunny Nerdluck gang in tow. He turns to them. MR. SWACKHAMMER You guys remembered to bet everything on Lebronstars team? DENNIS Duh! We know what were doing Frank, this is cash in the bag.

81. MAC We arent just gonna throw away cash in the bag. CHARLIE Never throw away a cash bag! Swackhammer shushes them as Michael Jordan approaches. MICHAEL Wheres your ball-player, Swackhole? The game is supposed to start any second. LeBron joins him. LEBRON Hey, you got that orb? We have a deal. I win, I get my powers back. MR. SWACKHAMMER A deal is a deal, Mr. James. The orb is in the building. LEBRON (frustrated) Well, we dont even know who Lebronstars team is yet! Swackhammer smiles and gives a sneaky chuckle. MR. SWACKHAMMER Oh youre about to find out, my little friends. Youre about to find out. The Sunny gang all laughs evilly as well. Just then, music starts to emanate from the loudspeakers. It is the Disney opening logo theme song! LeBron, MJ, and Bill Murray all gulp in unison. Way up in the stands, a sneaky figure in a hoodie watches the action. He removes his sunglasses which read Bored and To Death on each frame: it is Jason Schwartzman. Schwartzman smiles wide as he looks down at the court. Lebronstar BLASTS through the tunnel. LEBRONSTAR Meet my team!

82. He laughs evilly as SUPER BEEFED UP VERSIONS OF FAMOUS DISNEY CHARACTERS emerge from the tunnel. The team includes beefy MICKEY, beefy DONALD DUCK, THE LITTLE BEEFY MERMAID, beefy DUMBO, out-of-shape KURT RUSSELL FROM MIRACLE, beefy GOOFY, and goofy BEEFY (NOTE: Beefy is a new Disney character that will debut in this movie. He is a slab of beef with a cute little smile). LeBron and his team stare slackjawed at their competition. Its a veritable whos who of Disney stars! LEBRON Its a veritable whos who of Disney stars! What? MARVIN THE MARTIAN

SYLVESTER (jealous) Theyre so... beefy! I wish I could be that beefy. Well, there you have it, steroids just arent worth it. BUGS Why arent we beefy? BILL MURRAY Speak for yourself. Michael turns to the group. MICHAEL Focus, guys! I know they look pretty impressive. The beefy Disney stars jump off each others bulging bodies to do super cool dunks (most of which involve sick flips). Beefy Mickey and The Little Beefy Mermaid chest-bump high in the air. MICHAEL (CONTD) But you guys are even more impressive. I played against a lot of great teams. I was on even more great teams. But Ill be damned if you all arent the best team Ive ever seen. LeBron smiles big. They form a huddle with their hands in the middle.

83. LEBRON

1, 2, 3.

ALL FUCK DISNEY! LEBRON Daddy Likey! As his team storms the court, Michael goes to the sideline to shake the hand of the other coach. As he nears, he sees that the coach is an unfrozen WALT DISNEY. He still has some chunks of ice stuck to his suit. WALT DISNEY Hello Michael. I like your mustache. MICHAEL (taken aback) Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Disney. Pardon me... but what exactly do you know about basketball? WALT DISNEY Hell of a lot more than you do. You stupid, stupid man. MICHAEL Whoa, chill. WALT DISNEY What, is that a freezing joke? Michael shrugs. As they lunge toward each other, the referee gets between them. It is none other than disgraced NBA referee TIM DONAGHY! TIM DONAGHY Calm down, fellas. Its just a game. They back away. TIM DONAGHY (CONTD) Before we can start, we need team names from both of you. Oh. MICHAEL

TIM DONAGHY Just give me a name, its not that complicated.

84. WALT DISNEY We can pick any name we want? What are you gonna pick, Mike? MICHAEL Not telling you. But its the coolest team name ever. WALT DISNEY Hm, thats impossible, cause my team name is the coolest ever. TIM DONAGHY Jesus Christ, just tell me the names. MJ and Walt pause for a few seconds, then blurt out the names. MICHAEL The Timberwolves. Fuck! Goddamnit. MICHAEL WALT DISNEY WALT DISNEY The Timberwolves.

TIM DONAGHY Im tired of this. (to Michael) You guys are the Tunes. (to Walt Disney) You guys are the Timberwolves. Walt Disney giggles and skips back to his bench. Michael shakes his head at Tim as he walks back to his bench. MICHAEL No wonder everybody hates your ass. TIM DONAGHY Everybody except Ernie Johnsons mom. Michaels frown begrudgingly turns into a smile. MICHAEL Start the game, sillypants. At center-court, LeBron stands across from Goofy, who is super tall. Donaghy walks up with the basketball.

85. GOOFY Gawrsh, this should be easy. LEBRON Well see, goofball. Donaghy tosses the ball up and Goofy easily gets it. LeBron makes a sad face. Goofy tosses it to Lebronstar who does a monstrous dunk. The crowd goes wild. A montage of the game begins: The Timberwolves dominate. Intricate passing from Donald Duck. Sweet long jump shots from Mickey. A thunderous dunk from Lebronstar. Beefy sits on the bench, smiling his goofyass smile. Meanwhile, The Tunes arent so great. LeBron misses several easy layups. Michael Jordan angrily paces on the sidelines. Bill Murray hits a long three and smiles. He lights a cigarette as he jogs back on D. With the score at 40-29, T-Wolves in the lead, Dumbo shoots free throws. As he gets in position to shoot, he FARTS. The crowd bursts into laughter. LeBron angrily calls a time out. LEBRON (CONTD) (to the crowd) Are you guys serious? Youre laughing at a fart? BUGS We are here to play a basketball game. Farts happen. Its sports. The crowd giggles some more. BILL MURRAY Goddamnit. Do you realize how cheap that kind of humor is? Farting? Thats what makes you laugh? Sickening. The crowd stares back quietly. Mickey turns to them. MICKEY Yknow what, Im gonna have to agree with my competitors here. LEBRONSTAR Fart jokes. Not funny.

86. LEBRON Were gonna get back to this game now. But if anyone farts again you all are gonna keep your bitch-ass cartoon mouths closed. Capiche? Capiche. THE CROWD

All of the players on the court fart in unison. LeBron gives the crowd a Watch it! point as they hold back their laughter. One person bursts out laughing. LEBRON (incensed) Have him escorted from the premises! Security escorts him from the premises. (NOTE: Theres a row in the crowd solely consisting of men dressed in white cloth. The Illuminati watches everything). LeBron looks to Donaghy and nods. Play on! TIM DONAGHY

As the game goes on, Beefy sits on the bench. BEEFY (muttered) I think farts are funny. Beefy is voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. INT. MORON MOUNTAIN BASKETBALL ARENA - NIGHT Slightly later in the game, the time runs out on the first half. The Tunes are down 70-45. LeBron dribbles up the court. Michael yells from the sidelines. MICHAEL LeBron! Do your superdunk! LeBron nods and rushes toward the basket. LEBRON (muttered) Im gonna do my superdunk.

87. He gains momentum as he leaps from the free throw line. He rises and rises and RISES...only to fall and land face first on the ground. The BUZZER sounds. The first half is over. Bugs and Bill Murray help lift him up. BUGS Its alright, LeBron. LeBron sadly looks up at the scoreboard. BILL MURRAY Weve got a whole nother half. Michael Jordan rushes up behind LeBron as they near the tunnel. LeBron! MICHAEL

LeBron turns around to face his coach and hero. MICHAEL (CONTD) Its okay, LeBron. I love y-A bullet PIERCES through Michaels head, which EXPLODES into a million pieces. Pandemonium. Shrieks. Blood. A dumbfounded, blood-splattered LeBron looks straight ahead at where MJ once stood. LEBRON I love you too. Bill Murray rises among the screaming masses. BILL MURRAY Who the fuck did this? Who could...? Why...? He looks to Swackhammer, who shrugs his shoulders. A large, fat figure emerges from the shadows and trudges out onto the court. He steps into the light and removes his bucket hat to reveal his identity. He holds a huge gun in one hand. Bill Murray dramatically removes his sunglasses. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) Stan Podolak?! Yes, it is STAN PODOLAK from Space Jam 1, aka the actor Wayne Knight, aka fat Jurassic Park guy aka Newman from Seinfeld!

88. STAN PODOLAK Whyd I do it? Thats what youre all wondering, isnt it? Eighteen years ago I chased that motherfucker around the goddamn galaxy. Michael Jordan. The baseball player. And I ended up stuck. Here, in this shithole, Moron Mountain. The blood and tear-stained Tunes look on in horror. LeBron grimaces. STAN PODOLAK (CONTD) I needed my revenge. For a life wasted. Ruined. By a basketball player and his little meddling Tunes. (beat, then) Plus Im a Bobcats fan. LEBRON Put the gun down, Podolak. Youve done enough. He stares back. STAN PODOLAK Fine, LeBron. I can respect that. I surrender-His surrender is interrupted by a SAMURAI SWORD SLICING THROUGH HIS MIDSECTION. The crowd gasps. Bug-eyed, Podolak falls to the floor. Behind him stands the culprit: JERRY SEINFELD, complete in samurai regalia. NEWMAN! SAMURAI SEINFELD

LeBron rushes over to Seinfeld. LEBRON Samurai Seinfeld! SAMURAI SEINFELD Son of a bitch has had it coming for too long. A lone tear falls down LeBrons face. He puts his hand on Seinfelds shoulder.

89. LEBRON (to Seinfeld) Thank you... (beat, then) Basketball Buddy #1. Seinfeld bows with his hands pressed together and shuffles backward. Bill Murray takes out his gun and shoots Podolak three more times, until his gun clicks from being out of bullets. BILL MURRAY Definitely dead. Pandemonium continues in the stands and on the court, where Pepe Le Pew dry heaves and Tweety Bird cries uncontrollably. A relatively chipper Tim Donaghy walks out in the middle of the bloody mess and addresses the crowd. TIM DONAGHY Well, weve still got a game to play. So were gonna get this cleaned up. Then, time for the second-half. A mascara-stained Lola rises from her knees. LOLA You arent cancelling the game? Bill Murray rises by her side. BILL MURRAY The greatest basketball player of all time was just murdered. BUGS Not to mention Michael Jordan. Bill Murray gives Bugs a Seriously? look, then smiles a little bit. BILL MURRAY (muttered) OK, that was a pretty good one. LeBron moves to the front of the crowd. LEBRON No. Tims right. We are gonna finish this game. Its...

90. He chokes up. LEBRON (CONTD) Its what Michael would have wanted. As the Tunes regain their composure and exit toward their locker room, a freaked out ARENA HOST cautiously walks out onto the court. ARENA HOST So... I guess its time for the Fan Half-Court shot, brought to you by Monsanto. The crowd loudly boos. ARENA HOST (CONTD) They are making me do this! You think I want to be out here? I just saw two people murdered like 10 feet from me. Fuck. (beat) And our contestant today is... Allison Begalman. ALLISON BEGALMAN excitedly runs out onto the court, big smile on her face. ARENA HOST (CONTD) Alright Allison, give it a shot, I guess. He hands her a basketball. Huge smile on her face, she runs up, shoots the ball, and SINKS THE SHOT! She jumps and down, cheering. The ball bounces away, hitting Michael Jordans bloody corpse. The crowd boos extra loud. ARENA HOST (CONTD) Jesus Christ. Congratulations Allison. Lets see what you won... He checks a card in his hand. He shakes his head. ARENA HOST (CONTD) You won... a meet and greet with basketball legend... Michael Jordan. Fuck this. He pulls her off the court.

91. INT. LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT The Tunes mope into the locker room. They slump down on benches. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. BUGS LOLA PORKY MARVIN THE MARTIAN SYLVESTER DAFFY LEBRON

Wile E. Coyote holds up a sign that reads Shit. Lebron breaks into tears. Bill Murray stands. BILL MURRAY So yeah. Michael Jordan was murdered by Newman. Hes dead. Fuck. And yeah. Were probably gonna lose this game. Shit. And LeBrons never gonna get his powers back. And you guys are probably gonna all get back on drugs. But you know what Im realizing? It just doesnt matter. LeBron raises an eyebrow. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) You heard me. It just. Doesnt. Matter. Yes, the roided up Disney All-Stars are out there kicking our asses. Yes, our friend and coach was killed. But it doesnt matter! BUGS Bill, Michael Jordan is dead. It matters...

92. BILL MURRAY It. Doesnt. Matter. It doesnt matter whether we win or lose this game! LEBRON Yes it does. I need to get my powers back. Bill Murray shakes his head in frustration. BILL MURRAY I am referencing Meatballs. Ooooooh. ALL

PORKY (whispers to Lola) I love that movie. The team starts to perk up a bit. LeBron stands. LEBRON So yeah. Michael Jordan is dead. Slammin that 360 dunk up in the sky. Daffy Duck makes a cross on his chest and kisses up toward the sky. Taz bows his head and prays a silent Muslim prayer. LEBRON (CONTD) But listen. If Mike Jordan were here today -- and I mean, he was here like 3 minutes ago -- he would say... (Bill Cosby impression) Youve got to win the game! For Rudy! For Theo! For Temple University! Porky Pig wipes a tear from his eye and looks up to LeBron, inspired. LEBRON (CONTD) We have got to get going! We have to win this for Michael. We have to win this for our country. America. TWEETY BIRD

93. LEBRON Thank you, Tweety. This sport is the most American sport of all time. If we dont win? Then are we Americans? Are we men? Be we men? We be men! Lets do this! Like the men we be! Lets get my powers back, and lets beat the fucking pants off Lebronstar! They all rise, cheering! LEBRON (CONTD) Meet your new coach. He nods at Bill Murray. BILL MURRAY (lowers sunglasses) William Pickles Murray at your service. Fuck yeah! FOGHORN LEGHORN

BILL MURRAY Now lets go win this fucking game. For Michael Jordan! For LeBrons powers! For the U.S. of Goddamn A. LeBron stands. LEBRON FOR BILL MURRAY!!!! Amped up and cheering, the team runs out of the locker room. INT. MORON MOUNTAIN BASKETBALL ARENA - NIGHT Workers finish mopping the blood off of the court. Bill Murray now stands in a suit on the bench as the coach. Game on! The buzzer sounds. Bill Murray gives a confident thumbs up to LeBron, who dribbles the ball up the court. He sinks a cool stepback jumper and fist pumps. A montage of successful balling from the Tunes (set to Im Too Sexy by Right Said Fred): TIM DONAGHY

94. Sylvester dunks on Beefy Mickey. Taz passes the ball through the legs of Kurt Russell from Miracle. Lola hits a long 3 in the face of the Little Beefy Mermaid. She snaps a mermaid clam bra strap. A ball heads toward Yosemite Sam. He smacks it with his trusty PING PONG PADDLE. It flies through the air and swishes through the net! And LeBron DOMINATES. A beautiful jump shot. A 360 dunk. A soaring hook shot over Lebronstar. Incognito Jason Schwartzman exaggeratedly bites his fingernails in nerves. Montage over, the song fades out as the Tunes stand in a timeout huddle. The scoreboard reads Timberwolves: 102, Tunes: 100. Ten seconds remain. BILL MURRAY Just one more basket, guys. Come on. We can do this. The buzzer sounds and the team trickles onto the court. Bill Murray puts his hand on LeBrons chest. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) Wait, LeBron. I think were ready. For... it? LEBRON

BILL MURRAY If we wanna win, you have to do this. LEBRON I... cant do it alone. BILL MURRAY You wont be alone. He pats him on the shoulder, then on the butt as LeBron walks out onto the court. Bugs inbounds the ball to LeBron, who dribbles up the court slowly. Eight seconds left. He dribbles faster. Six seconds left. Now super fast, crossing over Beefy Mickey.

95. Four seconds left. Just outside the three-point line with a head of steam, LeBron JUMPS toward the basket! THREE! LEBRON

Music swells. He soars in slo-mo toward the basket. Two seconds remain. POINT! LEBRON (CONTD)

A fearful Lebronstars eyes widen. LeBron has jumped completely over him. But he is still too far from the basket. With one second on the clock, the GHOST OF MICHAEL JORDAN APPEARS BEHIND HIM, spooning and mirroring LeBron as they DUNK IN UNISON! DUNK!!! LEBRON AND GHOST MICHAEL JORDAN

As the buzzer sounds they SLAM THE BALL HOME, so hard that the court below them SHATTERS. A moment of silence. Tim Donaghy thinks for a second, then makes his ruling. TIM DONAGHY Three point dunk! The Tunes win! The building bursts into HUGE CHEERS. LeBron jumps up and down with arms outstretched. Swackhammer and the Sunny gang curse and stomp around in anger. Walt Disney slaps his Disney characters and Lebronstar in their faces. LeBron jumps into the arms of Bugs and Bill Murray. LEBRON You guys saw him, right? You saw Michael? Of course! BILL MURRAY

As they all hug, Bill Murray turns to Bugs. BILL MURRAY (CONTD) (mouths) What the fuck is he talking about? Bugs shrugs. More cheering. LeBron breaks away from the hugging pile toward the other side.

96. LEBRON Swackhammer. Isnt it, uh, time I get my powers back? SWACKHAMMER Yeah, yeah. (to Lebronstar) Get over here, you stupid idiot. Lebronstar mopes over. A beaming LeBron hops up and down in excitement. Swackhammer turns to his gang. SWACKHAMMER (CONTD) Hey, uh who has the orb, again? Cmon man. I have it. LEBRON JASON SCHWARTZMAN (O.S.)

Everyone turns to the tunnel to see Jason Schwartzman in a full suit. EVERYONE IN THE STADIUM Jason Schwartzman?! No! BILL MURRAY

JASON SCHWARTZMAN Yes, Bill. Yes. He dribbles the orb dramatically as he walks onto the court. BUGS You were behind all this? Jason Schwartzman? From stage and screen? And music. LEBRON

JASON SCHWARTZMAN Of course I was, you fools. Schwartzman smiles. Bill Murray laughs. BILL MURRAY But you failed! LeBron won his powers back! Schwartzman cackles.

97. JASON SCHWARTZMAN Of course he did. It doesnt matter. LeBron raises an eyebrow. JASON SCHWARTZMAN (CONTD) I just needed him powerless for a couple weeks. Then they start to wonder. Wheres LeBron? Wheres our fearless commissioner Bill Murray? Thats when I strike. Schwartzman pulls out a New York Times with his face on the front page. The headline reads: SCHWARTZMAN VOTED NEW NBA COMMISSIONER. Bill Murray and LeBrons eyes widen. BILL MURRAY I really need to catch up on the Times. JASON SCHWARTZMAN You were laughed out of the league, Bill. Bill Murray shakes his head in disbelief. JASON SCHWARTZMAN (CONTD) So there you go, LeBron. You can have your stupid powers. Schwartzman smiles. JASON SCHWARTZMAN (CONTD) But youre officially kicked out of the National Basketball Association. Schwartzman presses a magic button and rolls the ball toward LeBron. Lebronstar shrinks down to a hamster as the rolling orb saps the basketball power from him. An intense LeBron picks up the now glowing orb of power. He considers pressing the magic button to get his powers back. LEBRON Mr. Schwartzman, did you happen to see me out there? I didnt need my powers. I just needed my team. Schwartzmans smile fades.

98. LEBRON (CONTD) Sure, youre now the NBA commissioner. The most powerful man in basketball. But with this power? That can all change. NO! JASON SCHWARTZMAN

LeBron turns to Bill Murray. Schwartzman lunges towards them and falls to the ground. LEBRON (to Bill Murray) I HEREBY PRONOUNCE THEE, WILLIAM PICKLES MURRAY: KING OF THE NBA! LeBron SHOOTS the orbs powers straight at the head of Bill Murray. A giant crown forms on his head as he laughs in delight. The crowd CHEERS. Schwartzman sobs. Once the transfer is done, King Bill Murray paces toward Jason Schwartzman, who lies sniveling on the court. KING BILL MURRAY My first ruling as King of the NBA? I appoint Jason Schwartzman... cocommissioner. The crowd gasps. Bugs faints. LeBrons eyes widen. JASON SCHWARTZMAN R-r-r-really? KING BILL MURRAY Ive learned a lot this last week. I learned that holding grudges will get you nowhere. He gestures to Samurai Seinfeld who holds a bloody sword. Samurai Seinfeld shrugs. KING BILL MURRAY (CONTD) I learned that everybody makes mistakes. He nods at Bugs and Lola. Bugs places a comforting arm around her.

99. KING BILL MURRAY (CONTD) And chiefly, I learned that with teamwork, anything can be accomplished. He looks at LeBron. They share a smile. King Bill Murray reaches his arm out to Schwartzman. He proudly grabs the Kings hand. The music swells. They hug tight. King Bill Murray leans in. KING BILL MURRAY (CONTD) Oh yeah, one last thing. A beat. PSYCH! KING BILL MURRAY (CONTD)

King Bill Murray punches Jason Schwartzman in the gut. The crowd explodes into cheers as Schwartzman crumples to the floor. King Bill Murray grabs LeBrons hand and pulls him up to stand on the incapacitated Schwartzman. LEBRON Daddy Likey! Still holding hands, Kings Murray and James triumphantly lift their hands in the air, like they just dont care. But they do care. A whole lot. Music begins to play. It is the original Space Jam Theme Song mashed up with It Wasnt Me by Shaggy and All-Star by Smash Mouth (NOTE: Preferably we can get Girl Talk to do this mash-up. If not, my cousin Kris could also work). A celebratory dance party MONTAGE: Porky does disco moves. Marvin the Martian twerks. Tweety Bird grinds up on Sylvester. Taz spins on his head. Swackhammer and the Sunny Gang walk grumpily out of the stadium.

100. Back on the court, Tim Donaghy and Samurai Seinfeld do that Russian kicking dance. LeBron and King Bill Murray rub their butts together. Just then, ADAM SANDLER, CHRIS ROCK, DAVID SPADE, and KEVIN JAMES burst onto the court, all sporting T.G.I. Fridays apparel. King Bill Murray and LeBron look excitedly at each other, then back at their celebrity guests. KING BILL MURRAY AND LEBRON THE GROWN-UPS! The Grown-Ups do a super-elaborate dance in the middle of a circle of people. CIRCLE OF PEOPLE (rhythmically) Go Grown-Ups! Go Grown-Ups! Go Grown-Ups! Go Grown-Ups! Kevin James does a split and FARTS. Record scratch. Everyone in the building looks at LeBron, whose face goes blank. He cracks a smile. LEBRON You know what they say, If you played Paul Blart, youre allowed to fart! The crowd cheers and the music comes back on. He runs over and high-fives Kevin James. KJ gets distracted by someone walking out onto the court. He does a double-take. KEVIN JAMES SH-SH-SH-SHREK?!?!? Thats right, its SHREK! SHREK Yeah, baby! Shreks here! Groovy, baby! He runs up to a circle of dancing Looney Tunes. SHREK (CONTD) Hey Tunes, I wouldve got here sooner but I was taking a big donkey dump! So Ive got a little surprise waiting for you out in my Ford Escape. (MORE)

101. SHREK (CONTD) Not to give it away, but lets just, uh, say that the Spanish word for it is bongo if you catch my drift. The Tunes smile nervously. A concerned Bugs runs over to LeBron and King Bill Murray. BUGS Guys, Im pretty sure Shrek wants us to come smoke marijuana or hash out of a bong designed for tobacco use only with him. What do we do? Weve been clean for a whole day now! LBJ and KBM share a look, then smile. LEBRON The games over. Go with him. BUGS But... drugs ruined our lives. Weed is illegal. KING BILL MURRAY Not anymore. King Bill Murray gingerly taps a point of his crown, making it glow green. A green cross appears on his crown. BUGS (amazed) But... how? KING BILL MURRAY Im King of the NBA, Bugs. Oh! BUGS

A big smile on his face, Bugs runs back to the Tunes who quickly run out of the building with Shrek. LEBRON They grow up so fast. (NOTE: Shrek is Illuminati). LeBron!! VOICES (O.S.)

LeBron turns around to see Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.

102. LEBRON (thrilled) My little Heatie boys! The three share a big hug. LEBRON (CONTD) I cant believe you guys came. CHRIS BOSH We wanted to support you. DWYANE WADE And we missed you. LEBRON I know Ive made some mistakes. But I want you back on the Heat. I want everyone back on the team! I know now that basketball, and well, life, its about teamwork. First and foremost. You cant do it alone. You guys in? Wade and Bosh smile and shake LeBrons hand. DWYANE WADE Ready to get out of here, man? LEBRON Just give me a minute, Ill catch up with yall. Wade and Bosh walk away. LBJ walks back to King Bill Murray. LEBRON (CONTD) Well man, I think its time to head on back to the real world. On the verge of tears, King Bill Murray bear hugs LeBron. KING BILL MURRAY Thank you, LeBron. For everything. LEBRON Thank you, King Bill Murray. They pull back from the hug and King Bill Murray tickles LeBron, who laughs a lot cause hes really ticklish. LEBRON (CONTD) Im really ticklish!

103. KING BILL MURRAY I know. I remember. LEBRON What? You remember? From... from when? King Bill Murray gives a knowing, painful look. A long beat. Dad? LEBRON (CONTD)

KING BILL MURRAY (whispers) Im sorry. They burst into tears and hug again. They pull back. LEBRON It all makes sense now! It all makes so much sense. KING BILL MURRAY I love you, son. LEBRON I love you, Papa. King Bill Murray slowly kisses LeBron on the forehead. KING BILL MURRAY Daddy Likey. See you round, LeBron. LEBRON See you soon, Dad King Bill Murray. LeBron walks toward the exit. Dad King Bill Murray stands behind, watching. He pulls out a super joint, lights it and puffs, wistfully. Ghost Michael Jordan fades in next to him. Dad King Bill Murray stays staring at LeBron and nonchalantly passes the joint to Ghost Michael Jordan. His Airness takes a massive hit. EXT. MORON MOUNTAIN BASKETBALL ARENA - NIGHT LeBron James, stained with sweat, tears, and blood, walks out of the arena. Every little wrinkle and crease on his face show all of the hardship hes been through.

104. OLD LEBRON (V.O.) I formed an unbreakable bond with a now-dead basketball legend. I defeated the nefarious Jason Schwartzman. I fucked a cartoon prostitute. I reunited with my estranged father, Bill Murray. I got the Looney Tunes off drugs. I met Kevin James. And thats what makes this, my children, the greatest championship I ever won. Standing outside the arena, LeBron takes a deep breath, raises his hands to the sky, and flies away. FADE TO BLACK. THE END.