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THE EMBALMER
Script Editing SuggestionsOf course, these are strictly suggestions on my part to you about the script. I tried to givea brief explanation about each listed below it. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please feel free to give me a call or shoot me an email to clarify anything.
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The title;
The Embalmer: A Love Story
o
After our discussion about the play the other night and after doing moreanalytical work on the script, I feel like the subtitle of the play doesn’t fitwith the core action. The love story is simply a sub-plot of the larger scheme of things. Putting it into the title suggests that the love story between Tyler and Cynthia is the most prominent feature of this work,when it is really the psychological struggle between Dr. West and Tyler.
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The wordiness of the dialogue.
o
This is something we touched upon when we talked. We both know thatthe script needs to be gone through. Sentences, words, etc. need to beomitted to tighten the scenes to help the flow of the play.
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The presence and impact of the media.
o
Tyler, Mrs. West, and Dr. West all discuss various forms of the media thatimpact the circumstances surrounding the case. I think drawing this outwith videography images would strengthen the presence and influence themedia hold over social issues such as those presented in the play. Plus, itwould provide smooth and artistic transitions to keep the action of the playmoving and the audience engaged in the world of the play.
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P. 5
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An introduction to set up the tone of the world of the play.
o
You have a great beginning to a set-up with introducing Dr. West andestablishing his objective, but the play as a whole needs a cap on the beginning to thrust the audience into the dark, gothic world of the play.The example I suggested the other night was for Tyler to come into theembalming room and the design elements would provide additionalenhancements of this sequence to draw those watching in.
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P. 5; “It’s your favorite: raw cat placenta sprinkled with dry roasted deadcrickets and…you couldn’t possibly give a damn about anything I’m saying.”
o
This is a great line to confirm that Dr. West isn’t listening to his wife, butit begins so obscurely. I suggest beginning the list of ingredients with anormal type of lunchmeat and as the line progresses it gets grosser. Itwould establish an even clearer understanding of him not listening to her,
 
it gives room for the line to grow on it’s journey to confirm it’s point, andwill click clearly for the audience the dark humor.
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P.9; Tyler picking the Etruscan vase up.
o
I’m not entirely sure that Dr. West would let someone, especially a patient pick up the vase. It holds so much meaning to the doctor that to letanyone touch something so sacred (and willingly) doesn’t fit thecircumstances surrounding of the vase.
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P. 10; Dr. West giving so much information about his personal life.
o
I feel that Dr. West is giving away too much personal information to his patient. Tyler is very manipulative, but some of the info. that West givesto him needs to be cut to set-up the tug-of-war battle about to begin. Westknows that Tyler is manipulative. There needs to be a stronger sense of West trying to control the situation by cutting Tyler off sooner when theyget into West’s personal life.
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The use of the word “doc.”
o
Some of these need to be cut simply due to overuse. Go in and beselective to when Tyler uses these to provide a greater significance to theword.
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P. 12; “Oh you’re no fun.
(Becoming more serious.)
Alright…let’s play yourlittle game. Throw the first pitch.”
o
This is another instance where Tyler is trying to gain control of thesituation over Dr. West. I don’t feel that Tyler is anywhere in control here.West knows that Tyler is playing a game with him. So, maybe you couldverbalize for West “I’m not going to play your little games” and Tyler says“Oh you’re going to have old sport.” Just something along those lines thatcreate tension there. This is the beginning of the roller coaster that ridethat’s about to begin for these two and it needs to be very awkward here.
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P. 15 – 16; Choice of words for Cynthia
o
This is another subject we discussed before. The amount of spoken wordsCynthia has. The less she says, it only strengthens the notion of mysteryand the ‘blank canvas’ Tyler can paint who she is on. Also, many of thechoice words here insinuate that this scene is strictly about the sexual actswhen this is the moment when Tyler falls in love with her. This is a primeopportunity to juxtapose the feelings of the audience by showingcompassion for this man, but disgusted by the end of the scene when theyrealize what’s about to happen. (And the less she says, also heightens the psychological terror here too).
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P. 19; Tyler’s reaction to having sex with male corpses.
 
o
Would such a sophisticated man such as Tyler react with “Oh God no!”and the use of the word “faggot”? I think he would brush this off morethan be so repulsed by it.
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P. 21;
“Love?” 
West questioning the love between Tyler and Cynthia.
o
Tyler throws the word ‘love’ around after the flashback with Cynthia, andit escalates to where West finally questions it. West needs something morewith this line to add the amount of significance to what he’s saying.
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P. 21; “Did you know that Jayne Mansfield wasn’t really decapitated in thatcar crash? He wig flew off.”
o
Typo with “her.”
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P. 22; After Tyler goes off about the ‘real perversion’
o
Once Tyler goes off about the ‘real perversion,’ West asks about how thenecrophilia began. Tyler gives his control up way too easily here.Something more needs to added to give the illusion that West is in control, but Tyler really is the one with the ball in his court.
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P. 26; climax.
o
The following line: “Hmm…don’t know where I picked up that bit of information then. Must have read it in a magazine or something… Oh, no!Wait! I remember how I knew that!” doesn’t fit as well as something elsecould in this moment. I think something along the lines of Tyler saying“you got me” would be smoother in revealing to West his intentions allalong.
o
“IS THIS YOUR DAUGHTER, DOCTOR? IS THIS YOUR VICTORIA?” isn’t necessary either because West needs to go after Tyler immeadiately after Tyler saying “She died a virgin…
but she wasn’t buried one.”
o
Tyler shouldn’t get out of his seat to smash the vase. The breaking of itshould happen by it being knocked over in the fight after the line “She wasreal tight too, Doc! Virgin pussy AND rigor mortis! What a find!”Because then when he’s laughing and with the line “That’s it, Doc! Keepgoing! Pound away! It’s only flesh, Doc! It’s only the flesh!” it gives a justification for the intensity of the fight to become greater on West’s endright before the orderly comes in.
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P. 27; “…I got an idea.”
o
This part of the line isn’t necessary because we as the audience know whatTyler is planning.
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P. 28; “I don’t think so… It’s just marked ‘An Old Friend’.”
o
I feel like the orderly should say that it’s blank. ‘An old friend’ makes itsound a little too hoaky to the audience.
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