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USA Today News Headline of the Day: See Tim Burton's Take onAlice
Young Male Nude, by Hippolyte Flandrin; La Belle Rafaelo, by Tamara de Lempicka; St. John theBaptist in the Wilderness, by CaravaggioRafaela rolled over and crumpled up the latest page in her movie script. She was rewriting Alice inWonderland under her newest
nom de plume
, Tim Burton. She was sick of using “Ayn Rand.”Everybody already knew she was Russian, and she wanted to continue Western Russification under amore nondescript name to further slap the Westerners in the face with the proverbial sturgeon.Alice was really a sexually confused child, she thought to herself. She should be more like her, basedon her own experiences at Duke University. She couldn’t help that men fall under her spell, regardlessof this confusion, and sometimes kill themselves shortly after. They end up as better people, shereasoned, with a new taste for vodka and samovars, and cheeses and cold-cuts.She glanced at the two young men at the sides of her 
chaise longue
. She liked to think they were likethe two eels in The Little Mermaid, another classic story of a misunderstood octopus.One was breathing very hard with his head between his legs. He stole quick looks at the doorknob andhis clothes next to the fireplace, but did not dare run, out of respect for Rafaela’s position as hissuperior.The other was busy staring in the mirror. He saw that his face and behind his ears were covered in red patches, as he frantically scratched his scalp. Rafaela had found him when he was still a busboy. Shehad waltzed in, knowing everybody who worked there and her sharp eyes could immediately spot thenew face and strong forearms.“Please bring me a vodka and tonic with promptitude” she had told him and he marveled at her vocabulary. Nobody thought it suspicious that she lulled the manager into only serving vodka at the bar and changing the sepia photographs for Greek Orthodox paintings from her home town of Novgorod, but he felt there was something special about her. She was the Apollonian idea, he decided.Then Rafaela quickly sat up and began to dress while the dog watched her. She modeled for him for afew minutes before speaking. “Boys, I must speak with my editor immediately. Which one of you willtake me?” Neither answered and she cleared her throat. The very sound made them both jump.
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