If you've made some kind of discovery, you're worried about your son, or you feel he might be gay (but he hasn't told you), you might want to raise the topic yourself. Do this very carefully. If you blurt out: 'Are you gay?" he'll probably say "No" because he's so taken aback and alarmed. And then it'll be difficult for him to know what to do next. If you raise the topic, do it in a way he won't find threatening. Give the impression that if he is gay/bisexual, that's OK and you want to be there for him. You might start the discussion by simply asking him if he's happy or there's anything bothering him. Or it's possible that you could use a programme on TV or an article in the paper as a springboard for this kind of discussion.

It's common for parents to feel as if their son has been 'lost'. Their familiar image of him has 'died'. The process they then go through is very similar to a bereavement, and it may contain these elements:

you're heterosexual. Lots of young men have girlfriends because it's expected of them, even if they already suspect that they're gay. And there's no reason why young gay men can't be just as sporty and athletic as young heterosexual men!

Well, it is happening, just like it's happened to thousands of other families. But you're not alone.

You may not think you do, but it's probable that some of your friends, work colleagues, or even your family are gay or lesbian. It's just that you've never guessed, and they've never told you.

"It's just a phase you're going through\u201d
"You're imagining it"
"You'll get over it"

Some young men do go through a period of having sex with other men, and then decide they're heterosexual. That's fine.

Some young men also go through a period of having sex with women, and then decide they're gay or bisexual. That's fine too.

The last thing your son wants to hear is that it's just a phase, and that you know better than him about his feelings and emotions. He's probably thought this through long and hard, and it's taken a lot of courage to talk to you about it. If your reaction is to simply say that it's a phase, he'll probably feel confused, upset, and unwilling to talk to you about his feelings any more.

Being gay or lesbian isn't some kind of fashion statement, like dying your hair or having your ear pierced.

It's a fundamental part of that young person, and they need it to be accepted and respected.

about themselves, and then to hear that you don't want to know anything more about it. It won't help to bury your head in the sand. It's best to gradually face up to the new reality in your family's life, and to deal with it sympathetically and sensitively.

You can't make anyone heterosexual by using electric shock treatment, drugs or some other 'aversion therapy'. You need to accept that your

son isn't going to change, so what might have to alter is your own attitude to his being gay. It's also unfortunately true that some GPs will be very prejudiced against homosexuality.

He's not deliberately trying to hurt you. Quite the opposite: he's trusting you, he doesn't want to live a lie and keep secrets from you, he wants you to know about and share an important part of his life and personality.

Not telling you might lead to you drifting apart, and having to be dishonest with each other. It takes a lot of courage to 'come out' to your parents and others who are important to you.

People only feel guilty, or want to blame others, if they think something's wrong in the first place. So two key things in getting rid of guilt and blame are firstly to accept that there's nothing wrong in being gay anyway; and secondly, to understand that you haven't made your child gay - you haven't 'caused' it by something you did or didn't do.

Despite all the theories, nobody knows for sure why some people are attracted to their own sex. The main thing to bear in mind is that it's a fact, and it needs to be accepted. Nobody asks what causes heterosexuality, so why be so concerned about what causes homosexuality -

If your son knows another young gay man, or is possibly already in a relationship, it's common for parents to blame this other person who has 'seduced' him or 'led him astray'. That's really unfair on your son's friend or partner, who's probably been a very caring, supportive, and stable influence on your son. And your son probably knew or suspected he was gay/bisexual before he even met this person. Nobody can be converted into being gay. To convert somebody to something, it's usual to point out the benefits of the proposed change. Given that gay men are still heavily discriminated against, and that in many ways society is organised to suit heterosexuals, where's the attraction in that? Guilt is a way of trying to punish yourself - but remember, you haven't done anything wrong

Of course it would be very wrong and damaging for all sorts of reasons if your child had been sexually abused or assaulted. If this were the case, you'd need to act sensitively but firmly, and get enough information to be able to stop and deal with the person responsible. But it would be wrong to think that gay and lesbian young people have automatically been exposed to

There's also a myth that all gay men are interested in young boys. It's completely untrue - gay men are no more likely to be interested in boys than heterosexual men are likely to be sexually interested in young girls. Indeed, it's almost certain that most abuse of boys is carried out by men who identify as heterosexual.

It's true that gay and bisexual men are at particular risk of HIV infection, but there's no reason why your son should be in danger Firstly, he may not have had sex yet. Secondly, even if he has had sex, he may well have not had anal sex (which, if you don't use condoms, is the way you're most likely to be infected with HIV through sex). Quite a few gay men never have anal sex anyway. He might already know about safer sex guidelines, and has been using condoms to protect himself Even 'unsafe' sex doesn't automatically lead to HIV infection, since the virus can be quite hard to transmit, and in the North-East it's estimated that perhaps only 1 in 20 gay/bisexual men are HIV positive.

But clearly there's no cause for complacency. You should make sure your son has access to detailed safer sex information that is relevant to him as a young gay/bisexual man. You can get this information from a local project. See the list of useful contacts for details.

There's no reason why your gay son should be lonely and unhappy. There are plenty of gay social and support groups, an increasing number of gay bars and clubs, and numerous other ways of making

establishing friendships. Gay men can have very wide circles of supportive friends - indeed, their social lives can often be the envy of their heterosexual peers. Lots of men also find loving, long-lasting and satisfying relationships, living together and caring for one another

One of the main reasons why gay people could end up being unhappy is if their family, friends, and society as a whole fails to accept them. So the solution to this problem lies very much within the heterosexual community.

If you love your son, and his happiness is your prime concern, then what the neighbours think is neither here nor there. For all you (or they) know, there could well be a gay man or a lesbian in their family too.

And would this news really kill your son's grandfather? Are you sure you're not projecting your own discomfort onto another person?

If you don't accept your son's partner, you may lose your child. Most people want and need a person to share their life with them, no matter what their sexual preference. We all need love, care, and companionship, and your child is no different. If you refuse to accept his partner

close relationships you may be making it more difficult for those relationships to last and be successful. On the one hand, it's understandable if you need a little time to adjust before you do meet his partner.

strong expectations of how their children will live their lives. Because of a societal expectation

is heterosexual, many parents expect their sons to meet a woman, settle down, get married and have children.

These expectations can be difficult to let go of, but you never had a right to them in the first place!

Many gay men get married and have children even though they know or suspect they're gay before the wedding. They think friends and family expect it of them, or they hope marriage will magically make everything right. The truth is that most of these men find sooner or later that they're still attracted to men, which leads to frustration and huge problems in their marriage. The

sooner people can be honest with themselves land others), the better. On the other hand, this does mean that some gay men will already have children by the time they 'come out' to parents; equally, they might enter into some kind of parenting arrangement (possibly with a lesbian who wants a child), or they may increasingly be able to adopt. So being gay doesn't mean you definitely can't provide grandchildren!

(not having are rather selfish about taking for granted what we think are our rights. We think that we know what's going to make our children

Your son has had to do a lot of thinking (and probably worrying) about being (or thinking that he is) gay or bisexual. Here are some of the issues that he's probably had to deal with:

suspected he was gay/bisexual from an early age - 11, 12, or possibly younger

person in his school, college or town. He may have felt desperately isolated and helpless.

He probably wasn't able to expect (or get) sympathetic support from teachers, friends, youth workers, or religious leaders.