1. How do you feel?
2. Bereavement and grieving
3. Guilt and blame

4. Concern
5. Embarrassment
6. Disappointment

8. Some recent thoughts your son may have had
9. What your son needs from you
10. Coping, accepting, moving on
11. How to move forward

\ue000Your son comes and tells you
\ue000You discover him in an intimate situation with another young man
\ue000You come across love letters or gay magazines
\ue000Your son doesn't seem interested in the opposite sex
\ue000He's embarrassed and looks uneasy whenever gay topics are featured on

If you've made some kind of discovery, you're worried about your son, or you feel he might be gay (but he hasn't told you), you might want to raise the topic yourself. Do this very carefully. If you blurt out: 'Are you gay?" he'll probably say "No" because he's so taken aback and alarmed. And then it'll be difficult for him to know what to do next. If you raise the topic, do it in a way he won't find threatening. Give the impression that if he is gay/bisexual, that's OK and you want to be there for him. You might start the discussion by simply asking him if he's happy or there's anything bothering him. Or it's possible that you could use a programme on TV or an article in the paper as a springboard for this kind of discussion.

It's common for parents to feel as if their son has been 'lost'. Their familiar image of him has 'died'. The process they then go through is very similar to a bereavement, and it may contain these elements:

Having girlfriends (or even getting married) doesn't prove you're heterosexual. Lots of young men have girlfriends because it's expected of them, even if they already suspect that they're gay. And there's no reason why young gay men can't be just as sporty and athletic as young heterosexual men!

Well, it is happening, just like it's happened to thousands of other families. But you're not alone."But I don't know any gay men or lesbians! " You may not think you do, but it's probable that some of your friends, work colleagues, or even your family are gay or lesbian. It's just that you've never guessed, and they've never told you.

"It's just a phase you're going through\u201d
"You're imagining it"
"You'll get over it"

The last thing your son wants to hear is that it's just a phase, and that you know better than him about his feelings and emotions. He's probably thought this through long and hard, and it's taken a lot of courage to talk to you about it. If your reaction is to simply say that it's a phase, he'll probably feel confused, upset, and unwilling to talk to you about his feelings any more.

Being gay or lesbian isn't some kind of fashion statement, like dying your hair or having your ear pierced. It's a fundamental part of that young person, and they need it to be accepted and respected.

It's hurtful for a young person to tell you something very personal about himself, and then to hear that you don't want to know anything more about it. It won't help to bury your head in the sand. It's best to gradually face up to the new reality in your family's life, and to deal with it sympathetically and sensitively.