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How to Survive Domestic Abuse; before it happens. By AshaOshun MaliIn the spring of 2007 I met a wonderful man. Or at least I led myself tobelieve I did. I met him at a time in my life when everything seemed so uncertain. Iwas just finishing college. I was working in a low paying job and was still reelingfrom a heart breaking relationship years earlier, that had left me feeling as if I wouldnever truly find love again.In essence, I felt I had little if anything to offer. I was also well into my thirties,and was feeling way older than my age. I wanted stability; plain and simple. Morethan anything else, I wanted a relationship with someone who would not only offerme companionship, but who would also be willing to accept my 3 children-all of whom had been the result of my first marriage in my twenties.So, when I met Mr. Last Chance, I made a commitment to him relativelyquickly. I wanted to go slow and enjoy our romance, but his insistence to date mequickly, made me fear that I would lose him. So, off I went -my heart and commonsense in my hand.Everything seemed like a dream at first. But, before long, I was trapped insideof a nightmare that I did not feel I could remove myself from. I had no where to go. Ihad very little money and I was pregnant with another child. This was especiallyhumiliating for me.One reason for this was because my youngest child at the time was twelveyears old and another was because I had used preventive measuresto avoidpregnancy. I contemplated abortion, but knew that my child had done nothing todeserve such an inhumane demise.For my child’s sake, I bided my time, found creative ways to avoid beingabused, and finally was able to free myself from my abuser shortly after mydaughter was born. It was an embarrassing, dangerous and terrifying time in my lifeand my young child’s life.I would spend the next year in hiding and praying that jurors would believemy story and find my abuser guilty of the abuse he perpetrated against me. I hadvery little emotional support and very little financial support.While this was a difficult time in my life, it was also a very enlightening one.For the first time, I willingly came face to face with my own belief system. I realizedthat I had been raised in an environment where self empowerment was notencouraged.1
 
Added to this, was the fact that I had an internalized inferiority complex.While I had always been an over achiever, I never believed in myself enough tothink I would or could make it very far in life on my own.With all the potential I had as a writer, a social activist, a mother, and a newcommunications degree graduate, I simply did not feel I had any true skills or a truelife’s purpose. Though I did not realize it at the time, my belief system was one thatfoster the belief success could only be attained after a bitter struggle and love hadto “hurt” in order to be real.I delved deeply into my analysis of my own fallacious way of thinking .Butthat was not all that I did. I also began to critically examine the structure of otherblack women’s thoughts as well. I started a social network-aimed at giving blackwomen a chance to speak in their own words and own voices. What I found was thatmany of us could not or were not prepared to stand in our own power.We had spent too many years afraid to take full responsibility for our ownlives. We found it easier to take care of the needs of others; even when those needssuperseded our own and even when those needs became took a dangerouslyabusive turn.We handed ourselves and each other the generational baton of a tattered andtorn convictionthat we were strong enough to handle anything. “Anything”sometimes included rape, domestic violence, depression, poverty, singleparenthood, and abject loneliness.I was shocked when it dawned on me how many black womenI talked andworked with, had become accustomed to lives of abuse and lack. While some of us were able to make money or give the appearance of having wealth byaccumulating “things”, many of us were empty inside.Some of us turned our lives over to God-saying prayers while remaining inmisery. Still others turned their lives over to drugs, or sex, food, or other forms of excess. And, many of us held as our mantra the idea that we could not find goodmates, men were all the same, and that you had to hurt in order to love.We blamed ourselves and each other when things went so wrong in arelationship that violence entered the picture. One girlfriend, when I finally broke mysilence and began to talk about my abuse, told me, “Girl he (my abuser) is justpassionate. That’s how some men show you that they love you.” Her sentiment wasnot new to me. I could recall several times in the past, when I’d heard similarsentiments from female relatives, female associates and female friends alike.I learned to see my erroneous way of thinking as a key part, if not the mostmajor part of how I ended up in abusive relationships in the first place. I had spentso many years being abused-starting in childhood-that I confused violent and2
 
degrading behavior against me with love. I called this internalized negative thinking
“abuse consciousness.” 
“
 Abuse Consciousness
”, by my definition, is a systematic way of thinking thatleads to the acceptance of the idea that power is derived from an outside source. Itis a way of thinking that suggests, like George Orwell’s novel Animal Farm, thatsome human beings are created more equal than others.“
 Abuse Consciousness
” does not only affect black women. It affects anyonewho feels that they must suffer in order to live; that their lives are to be lived solelyfor others; and that purpose is only derived from an outside source.While “
abuse consciousness
“is certainly experienced by individuals, it isgenerally, from what I have seen-a collective way of thinking that is usuallynurtured within the family group that one is born into.By standing up to my abuser in court, even with very little support, I wastaking my life, safety and happiness into my own hands. It was a long process. Attimes, I wanted to give up. I was even told, by a woman who counseled domesticviolence victims no less, that I should “Let go and give God the glory. You probablywon’t win in court anyway. Just live your life and God will punish him.”In my old way of relating to God, I would have done exactly as the womansuggested. But, abuse consciousness also calls on us to change our relationshipwith God. Instead of seeing God as the angry, jealous, and punishment definingdeity I had been raised to see him as, I began to see God as a being who onlywanted the best for me- at all times. This coupled with the fact that I was no longer willing to play the “victim”helped me realize my own power in a way that I never had before. I was not toblame for my abuser’s disgraceful, demeaning and physically damaging behavior. Icould not and did not wish to “save him” from himself.Where domestic violence is concerned- many women (and men too) often feel thatit is their lot in life to rehabilitate their abusers. Often times, when we turn to othersfor help, we are told that the abuse is our fault or that we are making too much of the situation.If we are too believe the statistics, then “too much of the situation”, often ends withhomelessness, angry children, and even death. When we abandon “abuse”consciousness-we begin to realize that short of attacking someone physicallyourselves-we can never be blamed for the abuse that someone else perpetratesagainst us.Still, many domestic abuse victims have become accustomed to playing the role of the “martyr”. We become accustomed to reaching to save others; holding our handsout to those who would bite them, and swimming in deep emotional waters withthose who would gladly watch us drown.3
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goitright

I found this to be very helpful. I am going to share this with the women in my support group who are also domestic abuse survivors. Thank you for being so brave.

reply09 / 05 / 2009
mhasai

Very good article. I had to actually stop and reconsider some of my own trials with self love and empowerment. Thank You acknowleding men as well. We are so used to being blamed as the source that some of us actually believe it. I would like to change but find myself not really knowing how. I will look forward to reading more from you . You just may be the angel i'e been praying for. thank You again w. Price

reply07 / 06 / 2009
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