Their name \u2013 you should always address a person by their name because it conveys respect. The sweetest
word in most people\u2019s ears is the sound of their own name. And, if you address me by my name, it means you
know my name \u2014 it means you\u2019ve noticed me. One of the great cravings of the human soul is to be noticed. If
you start any sentence with someone\u2019s name, you\u2019re starting off on the right foot.
The specifics \u2013 if your praise is vague, it can sound insincere. As you start to praise more, you will frequently
encounter people resisting your praise \u2014 they will say \u201cit was nothing\u201d or \u201cI was just doing my job.\u201d And
maybe, deep down, they don\u2019t think they deserve praise, or perhaps they suspect you are trying to
manipulate them. If you are extremely specific, you can bypass that resistance and earn their trust.
Contrast these two statements:
\u201cHey, good job yesterday.\u201d
Versus
\u201cHey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday \u2014 I noticed at three o\u2019clock you had that huge stack of
orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work.\u201d
If Jim is having a hard time accepting praise, the first statement is unlikely to be effective. The second
statement, however, demonstrates to Jim three things: that you know his name, that you saw and noticed
what he was up to, and that you have a positive opinion of what he did. By anchoring your praise with the
specific time and place and other details, you can help Jim give himself permission to believe you.
Sincerity \u2013 you should only ever give praise that you actually mean. Unearned praise is mere flattery. A real
man doesn\u2019t manipulate people\u2019s emotions, or use false or empty praise. Think about a time you earned the
praise of somebody you respected. You valued that praise because you valued the opinion of the person
giving it. And, you valued that praise because you trusted the sincerity of the person giving it.
As you grow, you will increasingly become the kind of person whose opinion is valued by others. And your
good opinion will be valued in direct proportion to how much your listener respects you, and believes you.
(Never try to fake sincerity \u2014 the worst thing that might happen is, you succeed and get good at it,
undermining your integrity, the foundation of (good character.)
As I teach people how to give effective praise, this aspect of sincerity can be a real stumbling block. If it is,
respect it. Become more mindful. When you are mindful enough to notice that you are struggling with
sincerity, you are also mindful enough to start to develop some true sincerity. Contemplate the person whom
you would like to praise. Open yourself up to noticing what it is they are doing right. Open yourself up to
feeling a true sense of appreciation for what they\u2019re doing. Once you\u2019re in touch with that true sense of
appreciation, you can voice it with sincerity.
And when you praise, you are making a statement about right and wrong. You can only give sincere praise for
good work if you know what good work is. You can only praise someone for taking the right path, when you
know which path is right. A real man knows right from wrong, and is not afraid to champion the right.
Effective praise is a gentle and effective way to champion the right.
Phase 2: Advanced Praise
Once you are starting to get good at normal praise, you can move on to a more advanced form. This is where
effective praise can truly become life-changing.
Before you voice your positive comments, stop and ask yourself \u201cWhat is the positive character trait that must
exist inside that person for them to have exhibited this behavior?\u201d
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