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10 Ways to Save a Marriage After an Affair

by Joe Beam

Divorce breaks the hearts of those involved — couples, children, parents, friends,church, and the heart of God. One of the greatest underlying events destroyingmarriages today is adultery. The following is a frank and spiritual message onthings to do when the sin of adultery has occurred.My fervent passion is in saving marriages and making them healthy and holyagain. I encourage you to at least make a commitment not to remain at adisinterested distance when couples you love have their lives coming apart.So let's get started.To better understand extramarital affairs, I sorted them into three categories.

1. The Short-Lived Affair

lasts from one night to several months and is primarilyabout sex. Subcategories included Revenge Affairs, Affairs of Opportunity (at theright place at the right time to do the wrong thing), Self-Esteem Booster Affairs,and more.

2. The Allowed Affair

has become more prevalent with the graying of morality inour culture. It was once called "Swinging" and now its participants just call it "TheLifestyle."

The most difficult kind of affair to overcome is the

Relationship Affair.

Ittypically starts as friendship that evolves into shared emotions and eventuallyshared bodies. Those in Relationship Affairs usually are in love with each other.Madly in love.This is why so many Relationship Affairs lead to divorce — no matter how stronglyyou tell the person that s/he is sinning and no matter how hard the abandonedspouse tries to save the marriage. Because of such passages as Matthew 5:32 andMatthew 19:9, churches usually grant the offended spouse the right to start overwith a new mate, and few blame him or her for moving on with life.May I offer another possibility?Wouldn't it be better for everyone — the cheated, cheater, children, church, andcommunity — if there were a way to rescue the straying spouse, heal the hurts,and guide husband and wife back to a marriage of love and commitment? We in

the marriage business know that if a marriage survives an affair, it will bestronger and more loving than it was before the affair.Salvaging a marriage when a spouse is in love with someone else usually isn'taccomplished by pointing the adulterer to scripture, logic, or consequences. If Ihad space, I'd explain why. The short version is that they are driven by strong andcompelling emotions that they're convinced you don't understand. Therefore, theydisregard you, along with your Bible, lectures, and piety. Very often they'll eventell you that God sent the lover to them.So what do you do to save these marriages?Based on my experience, I suggest the following to both the abandoned spouseand to all Christians attempting to help:

1. Believe that an affair, even an exceptionally strong Relationship/LoveAffair, is not necessarily the end of a marriage.

It may be, but it doesn't haveto be. Don't give up. Keep praying and doing the right things, no matter howhopeless it may seem.

2. Don't beg, cajole, or attempt to manipulate the adulterer.

S/he is alreadyemotionally on edge; emotional actions from you exacerbate the situation. Befirm, but always loving and calm.

3. Don't try to convince him or her that the lover is a bad person

orprimarily responsible for the affair. That might work in a Short-Lived Affair.However, it typically causes a person in a Relationship Affair to develop an "usagainst the world" union with the lover.

4. Drag out any divorce proceedings as long as possible.

The intenseemotions involved with being "madly in love" last anywhere from six to thirty-sixmonths. Though the straying spouse may become angry and try to manipulate theabandoned spouse into divorce ("I'll make things tougher for you if you don't goalong with me ..."), the abandoned spouse should be strong, endure the other'swrath, and drag it out as long as possible. There is a very real possibility that theabandoning spouse will eventually lose the intensity of desire to be with the lover.Don't give up!

5. The abandoned spouse should demonstrate his or her ability to survive

and prosper without the abandoning spouse. S/he must concentrate on physical,mental, emotional, and spiritual health. This accomplishes two things. 1) The

abandoned spouse needs this for him- herself. 2) The abandoning spouse often isdrawn back to the abandoned spouse when s/he continues to be strong and self-sufficient.

6. In fervent prayer, ask God to bring chaos

, financial distress, and anythingelse He will do to cause pain as a result of the sinner's actions and to createcircumstances so that it is difficult for him or her to continue in the affair.

7. The abandoned spouse should procure an attorney

that will protect his orher rights, finances, and the like. The attorney should make the divorce as painfulas possible — financially and otherwise — to the abandoning spouse while stillprotecting the interests of the abandoned spouse. Expect the abandoning spouseto react with anger. However, making sin have strong negative consequences isthe right thing to do.

8. The church should practice discipline

, though in our day and age thathasn't nearly the effect it had in biblical times. It's so easy now to walk down thestreet and go to another church. However, if done in love and compassion, it stillmay have the needed effect.

9. Practice intervention.

(If you need more information on how to do this,contact us and we'll send you a pdf with step by step details.)

10. Convince the straying spouse to take one last action before ending themarriage.

Sometimes the abandoned spouse does this by offering a concessionsuch as, "I'll give on this point in the divorce if you do this." Sometimes a friend,church leader, or even the person's child may convince him or her that, forconscience sake, s/he should do one more thing to see if there is any hope for themarriage.In my weekend turnaround workshop for marriages in crisis, LovePath 911, wehave many couples who come because someone convinced the abandoning spouseto attend for conscience sake or to get some concession. Over nearly a decade,we've witnessed one seemingly hopeless marriage after another turn aroundduring that weekend. They don't have to want to be there; they just have to bethere.Whether you use our services, your own counselors, or someone else, themessage is the same. We must not give up on marriages because we think thateither spouse is beyond rescuing. Don't give up on the power of God and what He

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How to Save Marriage After an Affair

Expert information on how to save a marriage after an affair.

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Category:	How-To Guides/Manuals
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Upload Date:	07/08/2009
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Tags:	love marriage affairs save my marriage marriage help marital infidelity (more tags) love marriage affairs save my marriage marriage help marital infidelity how to tell if a husband is cheating how to tell if a wife is cheating (fewer)