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EXCUSES
1
Notbecause
2
 Alcoholandviolence
CHILDREN3
Childhoodsetsthesceneorlie
4
Familydiscipline
5
Genderrolesandexpectations
6
Genderattitudes
7
Someawulacts
8
Guideorlisteningtochildrenandrespondingtodisclosuresoabuse
9
Childrenandyoungpeopleinvolvedwithamilyviolence
10
Preventingchildabuse
11
Childrenbearthescars
 YOUTHMATTERS12
Youthmatters
13
Youngpeopleandrelationshipviolence
14
Parentabuse
15
 Violenceinschools
MANLYMATTERS16
Maleattitudes
17
Macho-man
18
Man-to-man
19
Changingaces
20
Changingattitudes
21
Menasvictims
WOMEN22
Women’swords
23
 Victimblaming
24
Couragetoleave
25
Warningbellsorweddingbells
26
 Auditingarelationship
27
Womenasperpetrators
OLDERPEOPLE28
Elderabuse
29
Gettingthebestromtherestoyourlie
MOREESSENTIALINFORMATION30
ManaMaori
31
Pacicpeopleaddressingamilyviolence
32
Same-sexrelationships
33
Reugeeandmigrantamilies
34
Religiousbelies
35
Peoplewithdisabilities
36
Inthecountry
37
It’sthebusinessobusiness
38
 Animalsmattertoo
39
 Agoodneighbourguide
40
Everyonecanhelp
Community ACtion toolkit to
PREVENTFAMILY VIOLENCE
INFORMATIONSHEETS
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NOTbECAUSE
Communit action on amil violence – Inormation Sheets
www.areouok.or.nz
1
Peoplewhouseviolenceorabuseothersotentrytojustiytheirbehaviourandputorwardanumbero‘causes’ortheiractions.Theseincludealcohol,drugs,stress,anger,unemployment,poverty.Whilstthesecausesmayplayapartinincidentsoamilyviolence,theanalysisthattheycausedtheamilyviolencedoesnotholdtrue,as:•manypeopledrinkalcoholorusedrugsanddonotbecomeviolent•therearepeoplewhodonotdrinkatallbutwhoareviolenttowardtheiramilies•ajobdoesnotstopsomeonebehavingviolently•mostpeoplewhoareunemployedarenotviolenttowardtheiramilies•well-oamiliesexperienceamilyviolenceinthesamewaysaspoorpeople•mostpeopleeelunderstressorangrywithothersattimesbutdonotuseviolencetodealwithit•mostpeopleareprovokedbythebehaviouroothersatsometimebutdonotrespondviolently•sicknessdoesnotjustiyviolencedirectedtowardsamilymembers.(Someviolentbehaviourmaybetheresultoabraindisorderordamageandleadtorandomactsoviolencetowardsanyotherpeople,notexclusivelyamilymembers.Thereisadistinctionbetweenthisandamilyviolenceinthecontextocontrollingamilymembersbytheuseoorce.)Problemstodowithunemployment,poverty,stress,alcohol,drugs,orangerwillnotbesolvedbyviolence.Inacttheyarelikelytoaddtothediculties.
 ASk  ASk 
Manypeopleattempttoexcuseviolencetowardsmembersotheiramilies.
FAMILY VIOLENCEISNEVERACCEPTAbLE.
Therearewaystoaddressproblemsanddicultiesthatdonotinvolveviolence.
[
SHENEEDEDIT–SHEDESERVEDITSHEASkEDFORITICAN’TDOANYTHINg AbOUTIT THISISTHEWAYIAM–LIkEITORLUMPITIHAVEAPRObLEMWITHANgERICAN’TCHANgEWHATIWASTAUgHTIT’SNOTREALLYME ARETHEREANYEXCUSESFORFAMILY VIOLENCE?CANITEVERbEjUSTIFIED?
 
SHEASkEDFORIT
“She wouldn’t listen to me/ I had no option/she drove me toit/ provoked me.” 
NOEXCUSE–
 Violencehasnoplaceinamilyrelationshipswhatevertheprovocationorsupposedreasons.Peoplecanlearnanduseotherwaystodealwithconficts,rustrationsordisagreements.
ITWASHEROWNFAULT
“She nelected the children/ spent all the mone/crashed the car/slept with someone else/ot drunk/acted stupidl.” 
NOEXCUSE
–
Violencewillonlyaddtotheproblemsoadicultamilysituationorrelationship.Problemsneedproperattentionandaresolutionwhichdoesnotinvolveviolence.
SHENEEDEDIT/DESERVEDIT
“It’s m riht and dut todiscipline m famil.” 
NOjUSTIFICATION–
Genuinedisciplinedoesnotinvolveviolence.Familiescanlearntointeractinwayswhichrespecttherightsoeachperson.Protectionromamilyviolenceisarightrecognisedbythelaw.
IT’SNORMAL/NECESSARY/THERE’SNOTHINgWRONgWITHIT
“Everone does it.” 
NOTTRUE–
Everyonedoesnotdoit.Itisnotnormalornecessary.Itisagainstthelawandisharmultoeveryoneinvolvedandtosociety.
ICAN’TCHANgEWHATIWASTAUgHT
“I was brought up in a violent home.” 
NOEXCUSE–
Noteveryonebroughtupinaviolenthomerepeatsthecycle.Manymenchoosenottobeviolentbecausetheyknowromexperiencethesueringcausedbyviolenceinthehome.Peoplecanrejectwhattheyweretaught.
SOMECOMMONLYREPEATEDEXCUSESARE:
www.areouok.or.nz
Communit action on amil violence – Inormation Sheets
Oldpatternsandattitudescanbereplacedandnewideascanbe
learned.
ICAN’TDOANYTHINg AbOUTIT
“We’ve ot a whole lot of problemsand the make me react like that/ we’re poor/unskilled/hopelesspeople.” 
NOEXCUSE–
 Violenceaddstotheproblemsopoverty,lackoskillsanddespair.Thoseproblemsthemselvesdonotcausepeopletobeviolent.
IHAVETOkEEPCONTROL/I’MTHEbOSS/IMAkETHERULES
“I pa the bills, I’m in chare.” 
NOjUSTIFICATION–
No-oneispermittedtobeviolenttowardsthosetheyareresponsibleor.Attitudesaboutkeepingcontrolandbeinginchargearenotsuitedtoanadultrelationship.
IT’SNOTREALLYME
“I had too much to drink/wasstoned/out of it/can’t evenremember.” 
NOEXCUSE–
Isomeonechoosestodrinkorabusedrugsandbecomesviolentheischoosingtobeviolent.Alcoholordrugsalonedonotcausetheviolence.Theattitudeallowsit.
“It was a bad time for me/I wasexhausted/ stressed/worried/at the end of m tether.” 
NOEXCUSE–
Badtimeshappentoeveryone.Therearemanywaysodealingwithdicultiesthatdon’tinvolveviolence.
“I have a problem with aner.” 
NOEXCUSE–
 Angercanbeopenlyexpressedandmanagedwithoutviolence.Violenceisabehaviourwhichmayormaynothaveanythingtodowithanger.Itisnotacceptableorlawultouseviolencetoexpressanger.
“I lost control. I can’t help mself.” 
NOEXCUSE–
Theoendermakesthedecisiontobeviolentandactsonit.Healsodecideswhentostopbehavingviolently.Hechooseswhen,whereandwhowillbeatthereceivingendohisviolentoutburst.
“I’m sick. I can’t help mself.” 
NOEXCUSE–
Sickpeoplewhoareviolentcanonlybecureditheyadmittherealproblemisaboutanattitudetowardsviolenceandtakeresponsibilityorchangingthat.
“It’s societ’s fault (the sstem/ colonisation/oppression/someone else is to blame).” 
NOEXCUSE–
Peoplewhouseviolencemusttakepersonalresponsibilityortheiractions.Societydoesnotcondoneamilyviolenceanylonger.Therearelawswhichprohibitviolentbehaviour.
 THAT’STHEWAYITHASTObE
“We (particular reliious/ethnic/ cultural roups/bikies/anmembers/militar men, etc) dothins this wa.” 
NOEXCUSE–
Thelawdoesnotpermitviolence.Itisgenerallyunacceptableinmodernsociety.Stereotypesandmythshavebuiltuparounddierentgroupsopeopleandattitudestoviolence.Culturalhabitschangeovergenerationsinthelightonewknowledgeandexperiences.
IT’SAPRIVATEMATTER
“It is no-one else’s business/leave us alone/we’ll work it out in the famil.” 
WRONg–
It’severyone’sbusinesswhenpeopleareharmedandthelawisbroken.Familyviolencehasar-reachingharmuleectsorcommunitiesandsociety.It’sthebusinessoresponsiblecommunitymemberstochangetheattitudesandbehavioursthatallowamilyviolencetocontinue.
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