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THIEVERY IN THE HOUSE OF GOD
By Patricia Backora
Every Sunday in churches across America you'll hear fund-raising appeals similar tothese:The young people are hosting a bake sale next Saturday. And, hopefully, this year,nobody will break a tooth on any nutshells in the brownies. Bring all your friendsand family.In addition, the young people are holding a rubbish, I mean RUMMAGE! sale thefollowing Saturday. Please see Sue if you'd like to donate any household items orGENTLY used clothing. All proceeds will go toward our world peace project. No army jackets or shotguns, please. Bring all your friends and family.We're holding a raffle. Tickets are ten dollars each. Our young people will meet youafter the service with tickets for sale. An inflatable camping tent is the prize. Allproceeds go to the building fund. Bring all your friends and family.Our young people will be holding a bike-a-thon next Saturday. Their goal is to cyclefrom L.A. to San Francisco in three days. First to cross the finish line will win a freeset of dumb bells. All proceeds are earmarked for "Pastor Appreciation Week",when we will surprise Pastor Bill with a brand new Ferrari. Please ask your friendsand family to sponsor one of our fine young athletes, so that they may run the raceand win the prize.
 
The young people will be putting on a big spaghetti supper next Saturday. They’ll doall the cooking themselves. Tickets are five dollars per person. Proceeds will gotoward the mission fund, which is currently operating on a shoestring budget. Pleasebring your friends and family. Come hungry, and eat fast so you don’t have time totaste it!This month your faith needs to be s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d-! We're two months behind inthe mortgage. Prove God by going the extra mile. So you say you haven't beenrewarded yet for last month's act of faith? All we need is a little more "stick-to-itiveness" around here. When the trial gets tough the tough get going! OnwardChristian soldiers! We're building God's House and it must not be neglected. Sowhip old satan by whipping out those checkbooks and debit cards right now. Keepup the good fight of faith. A dollar a day scares the devil away!Happy Valentine's Day to all our sweethearts out in the congregation! What a perfectopportunity to give Jesus a special love gift! Instead of wasting money on roses thatare gonna wilt anyway, help us with a one-time offering to buy new rose bushes forour landscaping.To commemorate Lincon’s Birthday the young people are hosting their annual SLAVEAUCTION this coming Saturday. We cordially invite each able-bodied young person tosell themselves to the highest bidder for JUST ONE DAY. During that time you’ll getto do fun stuff like ironing, floor scrubbing, baby sitting, yard work, ditch digging.Proceeds will go toward the pastor’s holiday in Hawaii. Pastor will award a wholepacket of postcards to the hardest worker! “ And now let us commence today’smessage: ‘Stand Fast in the Liberty’.” Next Saturday our youth will go door-to-door selling Church's Chocolate Bars to helpraise money for the Ladies’ Diet Club’s Nutrition Awareness campaign.” Saints, I appreciate last week's effort, but our church property tax is due. NextSaturday our young people will be holding a big car wash at Jerry's Truck Stop tohelp wash away some of the red ink in our books. Bring all your friends and family.Before we close the service, I have a special announcement to make. Next Saturdaynight we’ll be showing the award-winning documentary: “Keep Our Kids in Church.” Suggested donation will be five dollars. Our young people will be serving homemaderefreshments in the church fellowship hall. Bring all your friends and family…if they’re still speaking to you.Saints, next Sunday we've set aside as a special day to thank God for all thegrandpas out there. We'll be holding a special banquet at Suzy's Chicken Shack tohonor everyone who's a grandpa. It's all you can eat, too. Tickets are ten dollarsper person. And…cough! We will be holding a special prayer ceremony for all ourgrand ol' grandpas. It will be an opportunity for Gramps to lay a gift on the altar of the Lord in honor of the occasion. Suggested donation is one hundred dollars.So you still haven't gotten the miracle blessing harvest from your last "Put God tothe Test Offering?" Well, take heart, saints. God's workload is piling up every day justlike everybody else's. But He's good at multi-tasking! He hasn't forgotten any of you! He's probably signing your paychecks right now. Keep looking up, saints, andexpect a miracle! It's Easter Sunday, the day of resurrection hope. Spring time is
 
seed-planting time. Now let’s see how many hundred-dollar bills our ushers canresurrect from wallets.” Saints, It's already Mother's Day, isn't it? Whether your mom is still living or gone tobe with the Lord, this is the day we remember the precious example of faith she setfor you as you grew up. Show your appreciation for the godly upbringing she gaveyou. Your mom doesn't need any of that sentimental junk you buy her every year.So instead of giving her something she'll put out at her next yard sale, just take yourmom out for a burger and show your thanks to the Lord for this wonderful woman bymaking a sacrificial gift in her honor. Brother Simon here, he just lost his mom fivemonths ago. Brother Simon, you're a real credit to your mother up in Glory. I justknow you'll do her proud when the offering plate comes around. She's got her eye onyou, boy, and you'd better cough up the cash or she'll get the fly swatter after youwhen she meets you at the Pearly Gates someday!Praise the Lord, saints, it's Father's Day! I know y'all never forget to give good olddad a new pair of sox or a tie on his special day. So how about making an extra-special offering to your Heavenly Father? Your Father in Heaven needs to have thatnew kitchenette finished in time for the big fasting seminar next month.Next Saturday the young people will be mowing grass to raise money for the big hayride we're having in the Fall. Please tell your friends and your family. My, grassgrows fast in the summer, doesn't it? And I bet the miracle harvest from the moneyseed you planted is growing like a weed too!It's official, folks! Next Saturday our young people are hosting our annual hay rideto raise money for the church drama club. We'll be taking an exciting horse-drawntour of the city reservoir. Tickets are five dollars apiece. Bring all your friends andfamily!Again, we need to give God thanks for setting us free from Jewish Law, and to showyour gratitude you should faithfully pay your tithe. Well, we don’t EXACTLY calltithing a ‘law’, but it’s an eternal PRINCIPLE which must be obeyed. Just don’t readyour dictionary to find out if there’s any difference between ‘law’ and ‘principle’. It’sMY job to do all the studying and interpreting around here! Sure, it HAS beenpointed out to us that the Jews were not commanded to tithe anything butagricultural commodities. But they didn’t have money back in those days, becausethey hadn’t invented paper and printing presses yet. And nobody had ever heard of the Federal Reserve. By the way, whenever you read Deuteronomy chapter 26, skipover verses 24 to 26, because the translators must have made an error! The tithealways WAS money, so how could an ancient Jew unable to transport the tithe a longway turn it from being cattle, wheat, olives and grapes into money, which didn’t evenexist back then? I’d sure love to get my hands on whoever mistranslated verse 26and allowed worshippers to buy whatever THEY desired with tithe money to eat ordrink! Even alcoholic beverages! They’re the same ones who think Jesus really DIDturn water into wine instead of Welch’s Grape Juice. And we’ve always told you notto eat the tithe, so who are you gonna believe anyhow, cemetery…I mean,SEMINARY! educated men like myself, or some musty old translator who didn’t knowhow to pass on decent church traditions?So what if Paul never mentioned tithing in his epistles as a Christian duty? So whatif Jesus never even passed the offering plate around at His services, much less askfor tithes? This is the 21
st
century, folks. God is doing a NEW THING in the earth.
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