To Be a Friend

To Be a Friend
Building Deep and Lasting Relationships
Jerry and Mary White
NavPress

***ART OF NAVPRESS MISSION PARAGRAPH***

2014 by Jerry and Mary White All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without written permission from NavPress, P.O. Box 35001, Colorado Springs, CO 80935. www.navpress.com NAVPRESS and the NAVPRESS logo are registered trademarks of NavPress. Absence of in connection with marks of NavPress or other parties does not indicate an absence of registration of those marks. ISBN-13: 978-1-61291-505-0 Cover design by Arvid Wallen Cover image by tomfish Some of the anecdotal illustrations in this book are true to life and are included with the permission of the persons involved. All other illustrations are composites of real situations, and any resemblance to people living or dead is coincidental. Unless otherwise identified, all Scripture quotations in this publication are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version ( niv ). Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc. Other versions used include: THE MESSAGE ( msG ), copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002, used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group; the New King James Version ( nkjv ), copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc., used by permission, all rights reserved; The Living Bible ( tLb), copyright 1971, used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, IL 60188, all rights reserved; the Holy Bible, New Living Translation ( nLt ), copyright 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation, used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, IL 60188, all rights reserved; the New American Standard Bible ( nasb ), copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation, used by permission; and the King James Version ( kjv ). ***INSERT Original LIBRARY OF CONGRESS STATEMENT Printed in the United States of America 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 / 19 18 17 16 15 14

To: Merlyn and Dottie Roger and Joanne

John and Jeanne Ruth John and Nancy Ed and Merrilee Helene Chris and Alice Stan and Lois Doug and Kaylinn Mike and Anne Kim and Kari Ann David and Lori Dave and Myrna Frank and Gloria Scott and Kristi Bill and Kathleen Lee and Kelly Paul and Phyllis Donald and Jeanie Jim and Marge Mike and Chris Terry and Carol Friends of many years and many seasons who, along with many others, have immeasurably enriched our lives.

Contents
Preface Chapter 1: Friends Matter Chapter 2: Making Friends Chapter 3: The Lego Factor: Building Close Friendships

Chapter 4: Virtuous Friendship Chapter 5: Understanding Each Other Chapter 6: How Much Does Friendship Cost? Chapter 7: Texting, Technology, and Friendship Chapter 8: The Payoff (For Us and for Them) Chapter 9: Men and Women: Any Difference? Chapter 10: Who Cares If Im Down? Chapter 11: Broken or Damaged Friendships Chapter 12: Lets Party! Conclusion Notes About the Authors

Preface
Get a life. Get a friend. But how? And why? If you picked up this book, you most likely have an interest in starting, developing, or repairing a relationship. Perhaps youre eager to get more out of your friendships, frustrated with current friends, or feeling lonely. Whatever your situation, this book can help you develop new friendships and enhance the ones you have. To Be a Friend looks at friendship like a many-sided diamond reflecting peoples needs and aspirations. Most of us see friends through the lenses of our past relationships, both positive and negative experiences, and the desires of our hearts to know and be known. Friendship can be rewarding, fun, satisfying, and uplifting. It can also be confusing, frustrating, and disappointing. Which of these results depend on you? How much depends on the other person? Expectations regarding friendship vary as much as people do, yet there are constantsbasicsthat flavor every relationship. In this book, we identify these basics to give you a framework for understanding your friendships in the past, present, and future. We want you to grasp the foundations of close friendships and recognize the problems and benefits of them. We also introduce the concept of virtuous friendship. Virtue gives a biblical and philosophical basis of friendship that goes beyond self-oriented relationships. Much of the conscious development of our circle of friends rests on an understanding of the elements and concepts of friendship. In this book, well discuss: The foundation of good friendships

 The way to begin and develop friendships How to make and sustain lasting friendships How to repair broken or damaged friendships Networking your friendships You wont find an automatic solution for making and keeping friends. Friendships take effort. They hold a bit of mystery. They cant be manufactured. Yet they are priceless. A friend can be one of the greatest spiritual and emotional treasures of our lives. When we lack true friends, we are isolated and lonely. Walk with us as we probe and discover together the great adventure of being a friend and having friends.

Chapter 1

Friends Matter
Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I go to my friends. Virginia Woolf At the shrine of friendship never say die, let the wine of friendship never run dry. Victor Hugo, Les Miserables Do we need friends? Most assuredly, yes! Friends are the lifeline to a fulfilling existence. They encourage us, counsel us, support us, rescue us, challenge us, and bring us joy. One of the saddest comments we heard when talking with people about their friendships was from a man who told us, I had a friend once, but he died. Loneliness echoed in this plaintive statement as he described life without friends.

Indelible Friendship
Like steel threads, the bonds of friendship link us with people in our past and people in our present. They can even be stronger than family bonds. William Newton was a lanky boy from the deep south of Georgia who ended up in fighting in Iwo Jima during the bloody Pacific battles in World War II. He became fast friends with Roberts, a New Yorker. In the battle, they were side by side when William was twice wounded and evacuated. For fifty years, William assumed Roberts had been killed, and he still grieved for his friend. Then at a fifty-year reunion of veterans of Iwo Jima, he put his name on a sign-up page that later got into the hands of a retired New York police detective. Roberts immediately called William. Williams son said, Marines who had gone through the hell of war together and who each had been told that his best buddy had been killed in action were reunited. Then, and now, closer than brothers. [i]

As William and Roberts discovered, indelible connections of friendship are forged through childhood

escapades, life transitions, selfless acts of kindness, and simply walking together through bonding experiences. Some of these friendships last; others fade until awakened by a memory or a chance reconnection. We react differently with various friends; we also react differently when were with just one friend rather than with a group. With a loud boisterous friend, an introvert might try to be the same. If that introvert sits with another quiet friend, the tone and energy will be muted. Friendship dynamics differ markedly with each individual friend, in groups, in diverse contexts, and with our age and stage of life.

Each of our friends have contributed to the person we have become. We are a product of our families, our times, and our geographical roots. But friends mark us in profound ways. They alter our thinking, actions, desires, and ambitions, for good and for bad.
When we were young, our friendships grew in the soil of chance encounters, our parents change of geography, our choice of college or university, and our early jobs. They were unplanned and unscripted, seemingly random. Yet, in reflection, God was present in each of them. Little did we know how these people would impact our lives. Each of our friends have contributed to the people we have become. We are a product of our families, our times, and our geographical roots. But friends mark us in profound ways. They alter our thinking, actions, desires, and ambitions, for good and for bad.

A Lifeline to a Fulfilling Existence

The need for friends spans all generations. Young children, teens, young adults, middle-aged adults, and seniorsall need friends. Friendships start in the family, where we learn acceptance, conflict resolution, enjoyment, and grace, or, on the negative side, rejection, conditional acceptance, and distrust. But a wide array of friendships outside of family enriches our lives in ways family cant. Friendships form the lifeblood of mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Our need for trusted relationships runs deep. We long for someone who listens to us, understands us, and keeps confidences. When one of our daughters was in grade school, she would occasionally come home crying because a friend had abandoned her. We hugged her and told her we would always be there for her. No matter that a week later, she and her friend would be best friends again, our daughters hurt was real. She missed her friend. Psychiatrist Paul Tournier observed, Everyone has a deep need to be heard, understood and taken seriously. It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need humans have to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood. [ii] Friends do these things for one another. Professionals such as pastors, psychologists, and counselors

attempt to fill the void when friends do not. A friend of ours who is in counseling told us, Really, my counselor just listens while I talk. Our friend is being helped because he feels heard and understood by this counselor. A dear friend in his eighties reflected on his discovery of the need for friends. He said, When I came home

after college graduation, I was miserable. Why? Because I didnt have any friends to share life with. The depression into which I sank became so deep that it profoundly affected me the next two years. I was lonely beyond belief, even suicidal. I walked the streets at night, wishing I were dead. Decades were to pass before I was finally able to put all this into perspective and, at last, behind me. He concluded, Ive become convinced that I dont know a whole lot about friendship but also that I need it, I want it, and, surprise, its a two-way street! We talked with a group of young twentysomethings about friendship, and one young man described the value of friendships this way: I need friends in real-time experience. A friend is someone who will drop whatever he is doing in order to help me out if I need him. A close friend is someone I know I can count on. He continued, Trust is key to close friendship. When I put my trust in someone, I believe that person is not going to turn around and use what I tell him in order to hurt me. Some of our deepest experiences in friendship have come in relating for about three decades with three other couples in what we call our covenant group. In response to the question of why the eight of us are together, one woman said, I think originally it was that we wanted to finish well. What makes it work? Its been iron sharpening iron, mental stimulation, discussing hard topics with one another, such as a childs death, cancer, and parents deaths. So its been life experiences. Weve gone on trips together, spending lots of time with people we enjoy being with. Some have spent more time with others in the group and nobody cares. Theres no jealousy or competition. We all know that when we leave, well all be better for having been together. One man, emphasizing that these were not exclusive friendships, said, I think if we all didnt need other friends, if we didnt have lots of friends, I dont think we would have stuck together, because when youre with people who feel they need you all the time, thats not friendship. I think we have rich friendship with each other and with many others. This journey of friendship is not a superhighway. It leads us through the back roads of our lives and helps us see the scenery we miss if we go too fast. Lean on me when youre not strong And Ill be your friend; Ill help you carry on For it wont be long Til Im gonna need somebody to lean on Bill Withers

Thoughts and Discussion

1. In what way do friends matter to you? 2. Discuss the kinds of friends you enjoy being with. 3. Look back on your early friendships. How did they evolve?


Chapter 1: Friends Matter [i] William C. Newton, as quoted in Bill Newton Jr., More Than Brothers, Chicken Soup for the Veterans Soul: Stories to Stir the Pride and Honor the Courage of Our Veterans, eds. Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Sidney R. Slagter (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 2001), 188191.
[ii]

Scott Grant, sermon at Peninsula Bible Church, June 11, 2004, www.pbc.org/system/message_files/12388/e872.html.