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"Biblical Stoning," a chapter from Walking Man, a novel by Tim W. Brown

"Biblical Stoning," a chapter from Walking Man, a novel by Tim W. Brown

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Published by Tim W. Brown
"Biblical Stoning," a chapter from Walking Man, a novel by Tim W. Brown, published in 2008. Originally appeared in the Winter 2003 issue of After Hours.
"Biblical Stoning," a chapter from Walking Man, a novel by Tim W. Brown, published in 2008. Originally appeared in the Winter 2003 issue of After Hours.

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Published by: Tim W. Brown on Jul 23, 2009
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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07/23/2009

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From
Walking Man
, a NovelBy Tim W. Brownhttp://www.amazon.com/Walking-Man-Tim-W-Brown/dp/0978984706 From the same metafictional universe as the films
 Best in Show
and
This is Spinal Tap
,
Walking Man
documents the life and times of Brian Walker, publisher of the zine “WalkingMan.” Through a fateful encounter between his foot and a yuppie's BMW, Brian becomes themost famous zine publisher in America and a rabid defender of pedestrian rights. Meanwhile, hemust juggle the ambitions of his sexy actress girlfriend with his soaring celebrity. Written in thetradition of the scandalous tell-all biography,
Walking Man
satirizes so-called "alternative"culture while it fondly recollects the 80s and 90s zine scene.1
 
Biblical StoningChapter from
Walking Man
, a NovelBy Tim W. BrownBrian’s behavior on the streets and sidewalks of Chicago remained aggressive as ever.One incident, which he proudly documented in the April 1990
Walking Man
, stands out. HereBrian was lucky that he escaped arrest.On Wednesday morning, March 14, 1990, at about 12:30 a.m., Brian was wakened by anespecially obnoxious car alarm that emitted a series of different sounds rather than the standardlone siren sound. He approximated the sounds in an onomatopoetic passage in
Walking Man
:“Wheeouwheeouwheeouwheeou. Doooooo Deeeeee Doooooo Deeeeee Doooooo Deeeeee.Beeyow Beeyow Beeyow Beeyow Beeyow. Loooooooooyup Loooooooooyup. Irnk Irnk Irnk Irnk. Wheeouwheeouwheeouwheeou.”Accustomed to the howls of car alarms breaking the nighttime peace of the urban jungle,Brian said a few swear words and attempted to return to sleep fully expecting the alarm to stop ina minute or two and return the neighborhood to silence.But the malfunctioning alarm didn’t stop, it repeated the same sequence of tones adinfinitum. One o’clock passed, then two o’clock. The car alarm continued its relentless noise,neither drawing the owner outside to correct the problem nor showing any sign of ceasing.Unable to sleep even with a pillow over his head, Brian scraped himself out of bed around two-fifteen, threw on some clothes and went outdoors to search for the offending vehicle. “If I foundit,” he writes, “I thought I could flag down a cop who could maybe do something.”As it turned out, he found the car, a square white Toyota Celica, parked directly in frontof his building. A handful of tired and unhappy-looking residents from nearby apartment buildings stood around discussing the situation. Brian asked whether the police had been called.A middle-aged woman “whose oversized pudding breasts were spilling out of the pink bathrobeunder her coat” stated that she called them, but they told her that there was nothing they could do beyond ticketing the car. Brian noted the ticket tucked under a windshield wiper, along withseveral notes containing vile curses in bold capitals like “FUCKING ASSHOLE, I’M TRYINGTO SLEEP!” and “GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL!”
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