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Gears in Reverseby T. Alex MillerALEXGood evening and welcome to (name of town/theatre). We’rehere tonight to talk about life. Existence. 60, 80, 100 years maybe of glorious, wonderful, crappy, miserable life. Buteven if you live to be 100, it's a blip on the geologicaltime scale, hardly even worth registering in the grand schemeof things unless you're a Mozart or a Hitler or a Bill Gatesor a Tony Danza. Chances are, your miserable little existenceis no more consequential than that of a mayfly, or an ant.But our big brains, well, they make us think we're terriblyimportant, don't they? And that's good, because, let’s faceit, who wants to have the self-esteem or inevitable fatalism of a mayfly? Or an ant?(He is interrupted by JON, who enters carrying a boom boxplaying a tape of a baby crying.)ALEXDoes this mean you're ready?JONHave I ever told you how very little I like long-windedintroductions?ALEXLadies and gentleman, my assistant, Jon.JONI’m not your assistant, man. We’re peers.ALEXWell, what’s in a name?JONA lot. At least according to the lawyers.ALEXLawyers? What lawyers?JONForget about it. Let’s just do it.ALEXNo, no man. I want to know about the lawyers.JONThis is a show about life, right?
 
ALEXOstensibly, sure. Although we could argue that all theatre...JONLawyers are part of life, right?ALEX(sighs, "yes")JONSo those are the lawyers. Let’s go. I’m just itchin’ to dothis thing.(He crawls into a sleeping bag)ALEXOK, we’re going to go through this once, really quickly, andyou need to pay very close attention here, because this goesreally fast. Jon and I call this "The Mayfly," and you’llsoon see why. It’s kinda like ...JONDo the Cliff Notes joke.ALEXOh, right. Yes, ladies and gentleman, this is like the CliffNotes version of life. The Brothers Karamazov in just a fewparagraphs, Atlas Shrugged in a single sentence, Ulyssesdescribed with a simple grunt, that kind of thing.(JON loudly clears his throat)OK and here we go)Jon starts to wiggle free from the sock. He punctuates thefollowing monologue with appropriate gestures, actions,comments, etc., using props and costumes. His action shouldappear to lead Alex’s comments.ALEXFrom conception nine months ago, which is a whole nutherstory, the organism evolves from a simple bunch of cells intoa zygote whatever that is and then it’s a, it’s a my god it’ssome kind of fish or amphibian in there, floating around in asort of aquarium. Maybe it’s got a fin at some point or atail, it looks really weird and WHAMMO (JON emerges) it popsout looking kinda weird still but also kinda human and it’sreally pissed and confused and hungry and it’s costing you afortune and it’s even more interested in your partner’sbreasts than you are and man it’s like a sucker fish youcan’t get him offa those babies ... And WHAMMO next2.
 
thing youknow it’s walking and talking and needing expensive toys andtelling you it loves you if you’re lucky or wielding large-caliber weaponry in the schoolyard if you’re not so lucky andbefore you know it it needs skateboards and acne medicine andreally appalling body piercings and tattoos and it listens toterrible music you can’t stand at top volume and then WHAMMOit’s gone! Off to college or jail or the customer-servicedesk at Wal-Mart or whatever. And it appears this one is (Jonfinally gets on "college" sweatshirt) yes he’s off to collegeladies and gentleman and you don’t get to see him anymore but man is he still costing you a fortune and you hope he getsgood grades but no it appears as though beer is the big thingand oh my god is he drinking a butt-load of it. Man, this kidis never going to get a date being that bombed up all thetime but wow he gets one anyway and he’s yes he’s slidinginto home plate! That’s my boy and oh no she’s knocked up andthere goes college and they’re getting married and it’scosting you a fortune again and finally they’re gone until nothey’re back they need a babysitter and money and advice thenit’s into the workplace yes he’s got a job and he’s wearing atie and oh too bad his hair is falling out already thattotally sucks and his knees are shot too and geez they’reretired already and oh they bought a motor home and there hegoes into the Quickee Mart for a cup of coffee when oh acute myocardial infarction and some people mill around eatingdoughnuts while they strap you on a gurney and haul you offand you’re dead.(Gesturing at the crumpled Jon) Jon Whitfield, ladies andgentlemen! (to JON) So that’s life?JONThat’s pretty much it, near as I can tell.ALEXI’d have to say you’re something of a nihilist, or a fatalistor an existentialist or one of those guys.JONYeah, so?ALEXWell, I think there’s a little bit more to it than that.There wasn’t much about love in there, for instance. Or muchin the way of pleasure. You dealt almost exclusively with thenegative parts of life.JONWell, I saw this bumper sticker once. It said "life sucks,then you die." It’s kinda my philosophy.3.
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