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Jokes

Jokes

Ratings: (0)|Views: 151|Likes:
Published by Avada Kedavra
Humor, Jokes
Humor, Jokes

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Published by: Avada Kedavra on Jul 28, 2009
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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06/07/2010

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Seorang lelaki mengalami mati suri, pada kematian yang pertama dia dibawa olehmalaikat untuk diperlihatkan surga dan neraka. di neraka dia melihat ada livemusic,cewek2 seksi,semua orang bersenang-senang(dlm hatinya:enak jg dsni). laludia bertanya kpd malaikat,apa syaratnya kalau ingin masuk neraka?? malaikatmenjawab, bnyk2lah berbuat jahat;merampok,mencuri dll. lalu dia dibawa untukdiperlihatkan surga, di surga dia melihat org2 diam,termenung,sepiii sekali(dlmhatinya:wah, ga enak bgt dsni).lalu dia brtanya kpd malaikat: apa syaratnya untukmsk surga?? bnyk2lah berbuat kebaikan.akhirnya dia dihidupkan kembali, dgn tekad dia hrs msk neraka.maka pdkehidupannya yg ke2 dia merampok,mencuri dan berbuat jahat,sampai akhirnya diameninggal tertembak polisi pd saat sdg merampok ibu2.dia sgt senang sekali karenadia tahu dia akan msk neraka dan bersenang2. namun pd saat malaikatmembawanya ke neraka dia kaget karena disana dia melihat org2 yg disiksa,makadiapun protes kpd malaikat:"ga bs pak, wkt saya pertama ksni ga begini kok! namundgn enteng malaikat menjawab: maaf pak, waktu pertama bpk dtg ksni kami mshtahap promosi......Seorang pendaki gunung terhampar di tengah hutan, dalam perjalanan nya diakehabisan makanan dan sangat kelaparan karena 7 hari belum makan.pada saat dia jatuh lemas tak berdaya, ia berdoa, ya tuhan dari pada aku mati kelaparan lebih baikmati di makan macan, lalu tiba-tiba seekor macan datang menghampirinya, denganrasa ketakutanya ia berkata ya tuhan kok gitu aja ambil hatiSeorang pastor, yang berasal dari Eropa dan bahasa Indonesianya masih kacau,karena punya banyak waktu senggang ,di salurkan dengan melakukan hobimemelihara burung, ada banyak dan bermacam macam jenisnya. Pada suatu pagi,di temukan oleh si pastor burungnya hilang semua. Merasa ulah si maling udahketerlaluan, si pastor berencana akan membawa masalah ini di kotbah minggu.Pas kebaktian minggu, setelah berkotbah panjang lebar soal moral dan sepuluhperintah tuhan dengan penekanan pada perintah “jangan mencuri” Si pastorbertanya “siapa yang punya burung?”Seluruh jemaat laki laki segera berdiri.Menyadari kesalahannya dalam cara bertanya si pastor buru-buru berkata “bukan itumaksud saya” dan dilanjutkan dengan pertanyaan “maksud saya adalah, siapa yangpernah lihat burung?”Seluruh jemaat wanita berdiri.Karena si pastor sadar pertanyaannya makin tidak pas, dengan muka merah diaberkata lagi “maaf, bukan itu maksud pertanyaan saya” dan dilanjutkan “maksudsaya adalah siapa yang pernah lihat burung bukan miliknya”
 
Separuh jemaat wanita berdiri.Muka si pastor makin merah, dan juga makin gugup, segera berkata lagi “maafsekali lagi, bukan ke arah situ pertanyaan saya, maksud saya adalah, siapa yangpernah lihat burung saya?”Segera saja semua anak altar berdiri.God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. He's had enough of thepressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday.He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions.St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars? It's nice and warmthere this time of year." God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there15,000 years ago. It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty.""What about Pluto?" suggests another. "No way!" God mutters. "I went there 10,000years ago. Fucking freezing it was too.""What about Mercury?" says another. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again.""I've got it," says St. Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth foryour vacation?""You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knockedup some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody talking about it."Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept throughclass. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me April, whocreated the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chairbehind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear."GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fellback asleep.A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, April didn'teven stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck heragain.
 
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fellback asleep.Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after shehad her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONEMORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOU'RE AR*E!"Now I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man who's not a creep.One who's handsome, smart and strong,One whose thingy is thick and long.One who thinks before he speaks,When he promises to call, he won"t wait weeks.I pray that he is gainfully employed,And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.Pulls out my chair & opens my door,Massages my back & begs to do more.Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,Knows just what to say when I ask "How big's my behind?One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',In the hall, the tub, the garden and kitchen!I pray that this man will love me no end,And never attempts to shag my best friend.And as I kneel and pray by my bed,I look at the jackass you sent me instead.A-man.Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra thingsleft in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. Hetold the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand upwhile urinating."It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I

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