Funny

Stu My Kids Have Said

My kids are hilarious. Read on for examples of why hanging out with them is more entertaining than a night at the Improv.
By TammySF, G and Os mom

Dad: Are fairies real? O: No, theyre imagination. Except the tooth fairy. Dad: Why are tooth fairies real? O: Because they give me money when I put my tooth under the pillow. Dad: How do you know its the tooth fairy? O: Who else would give me money for my tooth?

O, who believes in anyone that gives him money. Age 7.

O: Charlie is British. Dad: Are Charlies parents British? O: No Dad: Is Charlie from England? O: No Dad: Why is Charlie British, then? O: Because he speaks British!

O, describing his American friend Charlie, who speaks with a lisp. Age 7.

Being dead is boring!! All you do is close your eyes and look at the dark.

O says a=er tes>ng out being dead by closing his eyes for 5 seconds. Age 7.

WAITER (turning to O): What kind of pasta would you like? We can make you any kind. O: I want the tae bo pasta!

O, reques>ng farfalle (aka bow >e) pasta. Age 6.

They sleep on the ground, eat bugs and snakes and they wear brown bikinis.

O, educa>ng his sister about jungle people. Age 6.

O (proudly): I wrote in my journal at school that I am responsible because I make my bed every morning. DAD (looking dubious): You make your bed every morning? O (long silence): I was going to write sometimes.

O, learning the dierence between a lie and stretching the truth. Age 6.

Sweeeeet ride!!

O exclaims a=er jumping into the back seat of a rental car, the ever-fancy Toyota Corolla. Age 6.

Mommy, youre being too harsh... Like a stepmother.

O, likely watching too many Disney movies. Age 6.

G: I hate my brother. ME: No you dont. Deep down, you love him. G: No, really. My heart is throwing up.

G, who would rather have a younger sister. Age 7.

Is naked waterproof?!

O asks a=er he spills water on his bare chest. Age 6.

Mommy, did they have shoes when you were a kid?

G, who then asks, How about toilet paper? followed by what about closets? Age 7.

Does summer school mean you learn about summer?

O, just wan>ng to get the facts straight. Age 6.

I dont want to go to Italy because everythings broken there.

Overheard while G was talking with her friend Chloe, who uPered these very literal words. Age 7.

O: I want to be a grownup. DAD: Why do you want to be a grownup? O: So I can be a race car driver. DAD: You should eat broccoli then. O: Does broccoli help me grow up? DAD: Yes. O (pondering): I think I like being a kid for now.

O, realizing the high cost of growing up. Age 5.

If the people dont listen to you, do you give them time out?

O asks me a=er mee>ng my co-workers at the oce. Age 5. My reply: I wish.

He always says hell put them outside but really he just puts them in the trashcan.

G, calling out her dad, the self-professed animal lover, as he transfers a captured spider outdoors. Age 6.

O: Im hungry DAD: I have only green, healthy food. O: Im not hungry anymore. DAD: Are you sure? O: Im hungry again in two minutes. Will you still have green food then?

O, again slyly trying to avoid the greens. Age 5.

G: Where are we going? ME: Were exploring our new neighborhood. Its nice to explore and discover new things. G: Can we explore a restaurant? Im hungry.

G, whose favorite vaca>on is room service. Age 6.

Dont forget to get me a present!!

O, who clearly associates airports with his mom traveling, yells while hes going through security and waving back at me. Age 5.

Theyre not toys, Mommy. Theyre reptiles.

O, the liPle debater, on why his dinosaurs should not be classied as toys and therefore not be put away. Age 5.

They build plants and squeeze cows.

Clearly the city kid, Os answer to what do farmers do? Age 5.

ME: Your teacher wants you to bring in your favorite book to class tomorrow. G: Why? ME: So she can get to know you better. G: Why? Im not in the book.

G, second week of rst grade. Age 6.

Dad, why are they speaking English? Dont they have their own language?

G, walking through the airport in Texas. Age 6.

Noooo, Mommy! Houses belong on sidewalks!

G, when I ask her if we should buy a house on Lake Street. Age 4.

Mommy, the pee and poop are racing and the pee wins!

O, giving the play-by-play as hes hunched over the toilet. Age 4.

Im G, and this is my best friend, Mommy.

G, introducing herself (and me) when a neighbor asks her name. Age 3.

Hiiiiii, Giant!!

O, very loudly addressing and waving to a very tall man as he walks by. Age 3.

Mommy, you have spider webs in your eyes!

G, staring into my eyes a=er my sleepless night spent working. Age 3.

Contributions from the Scribd community!

Michelle Nott: Living in Belgium, English is our fallback language when speaking to other international expats. When we went back to Ohio for a visit, my daughter (then only 3) asked, Why does everyone only speak English?

Liberty Newsprint: We live near one of the Occupy Wall Street Encampments while passing in the car during Thanksgiving week our 4 year old, our of the blue, said Im going to send those people a card saying Im very thankful for the government. SUZANNER: My three year old daughter asked me upon seeing her dad ride his bicycle to work: Dont daddys feet get dizzy?

MICHAEL MORRISH: Heres one my now 17 year old said when he was three. I guess I was having a difficult day when I was between jobs. He was sitting on the couch watching Mr. Rogers. Dad? I heard him say. I looked over and he patted the couch, inviting me to sit next to him. Whats up Ty? I asked. He replied, take your butt off your face and give it to someone else. I guess I was walking around with a S*** look on my face. Sage words from a child.

HELENWINSLOW: Just discovered our kindergartner, who is learning Our Father, thinks it goes like this: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven, Hollywood by they Name. CWDOWDY: Conversation overheard between my 7 year old twins. Proof the anti-smoking effort at school is alive and well, and theyre watching Dad too. Dad went to the grocery. I hope he got some good food. Yeah, said Jack. I hope he didnt get just beer. He always gets beer, said Wilkins. Thats cause he is da-dicted. Hes da-dicted to beer because of the nicotine. There isnt nicotine in beer, Wilkins said. MOM! Is there nicotine in beer?

IPEBBLE: My older cousins were having an argument, when the youngest one walks in (3) and goes, "Nobody likes me because I drink juice!" it was priceless, and so adorable! SABAKUVIOLIST: On a family car ride my sister was sitting in the front seat between my parents. She asked Mom when she'd last seen a movie. Mom told her it'd been about five years. Sister, openmouthed, looks up at Dad and says "You need to give the old bag more time off!"

MLAIRD: When pulling up to the country club one Sunday for brunch, M turns to me and says Are we at the retirement home? KENOSIS23: My sister was three or four, we were driving in the country and happened to pass a field in which sheep were pasturing. "Look, see the ewes, my dad said to my sister. To which she replied, them ain't mes. MANDM3808: 6-year old to his brother: Do I have to seal your mouth with goose tape?

HELENWINSLOW: Ten-year-old daughter who sings around the house was wandering around trilling the advertising jingle "Paramount Equity/Lends with integrity" but her version was: "Paramount Equity, Living in jeopardy HELENWINSLOW: Mom, was there anyone famous alive when you were little, like, you know, George Washington? HELENWINSLOW: Seven-year-old racing excitedly out of the bathroom: Daddy! I had demi-puke! I wanted to throw up and I almost did but I couldn't!

DOUGWORM: Our young son's uncle Chris had been playing with him and his little Nerf football and would poise the ball to throw saying "go out for a pass" So the next time we all got together our boy runs in with his football and says to his uncle "Uncle Chris, go pass out" we still laugh about it to this day. Another time we took a long drive to visit grandparents and along the way we drove through some cattle areas, there was a stand a trees and several cows laying in the shade chewing cud and staying cool. Our son was impressed and tells us matter of factly "look, the cows are having a picnic