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You work for a suicide hotline CYOA
By assaultedmuffinIt's your first day as a Suicide Hotline operator. You’re eager for your first caller. The phone rings. You pick up. "Hello, Suicide Hotline"."I've-...I've just been feeling so sad and stressed...""Have you had thoughts of killing yourself?""Yes...Many"."Well have you given any thought as to how you might do it?""I've got a noose tied out of my bed sheets"."The knots in the bed sheet will never hold. You need some nice strong rope"."What?""Oh, and don't use a chandelier or a ceiling fan. You'd be best off going with a nice,sturdy pipe. OK, thanks for calling sweetie". You hang up. This job was easy. And the pay wasn't half bad either. A few minutes later, aco-worker comes into your cubicle and says the boss wants to see you. The boss wants to see you after only answering one call. You know that call was prettydamn good, but you don't think they would promote you that fast. Then it hit you. Youshould have told them to use bungee cords. You're an idiot. You begin you pounding your head with your hands. You've got to avoid him. If he can't find you, he can't disciplineyou. You head for the bathroom. You go in a stall, pull down your pants, and take a seat. Youquickly pull out your iPod from your pocket and begin playing solitaire. You've never  beaten iPod solitare. Ever. Nobody can. An hour passes and you've gone through about 12 games of solitaire, each failed attemptincreasing your frustration level. Your legs are very asleep. You try to get up, but end uptripping, breaking through the stall door and falling on the floor, pants around your ankles. You look to see if anyone is in the bathroom. The co-worker who told you to gosee the boss is washing his hands and has a clear view of your unmentionables. You'll have to be very careful here. If you run out hastily and embarrassed, you'll be the"weird guy" in the office. If you try to strut your stuff, this guy is going to think you'remaking a pass at him. You'll have to make him laugh. "Ta-da". He still stands there looking appalled. You pull up your pants, but not too fast. You don'twant to be the "weird guy". After you pull your pants up very slowly, you go to washyour hands. Your legs are still asleep, so you have a case of the "wobbly walks". Youhalf-limb, half-stumble your way to the sink. You look your co-worker dead in the eyesand hold out your hand. "I'm the new guy".
 
"Yes, I know. Wh-What happened there?""I fell"."Oh". Several silent, awkward seconds go by, and he still hasn't shaken your hand. He'll come around. He's going to shake your hand. You're stronger than him. Don't sayanything. You've already said that you're the new guy. If you say it again, he's going tothink you're proud of your new guy status. Just keep it outstretched and wait for him toclasp it.He is unflappable. He's just going to stare right back at you until you make a move. He'ssorely mistaken. Your parents were mercilessly abusive. You can handle anything.A fly begins buzzing around in the room. It lands on his face. He does nothing. The fly becomes bored of his face and flies over to yours. You're in trouble. Your one fatal flaw isthat you are incredibly ticklish. You can't laugh. Not now. The fly is not growing bored of your face. He's trod on just about every point of your face, and you can't hold in your laughter for much longer. There has to be something youcan do that is not moving or talking. "Rhrhrhrhrh". The fly becomes startled and buzzes off.Your co-worker is not impressed. "Did you just purr at me? Because I know thatsomething as small and insignificant as a fly couldn't bother a real man"."I was purring with approval. I love flies on my face. The fly was the one who wasstartled"."Oh really? Cause I'm not buying it!""What?! I love flies! I want them on my face all day long!""Oh really? Because I have a whole jar full of flies back in my cubicle and I'm sure they'dlove to be on your face!""Oh...you do?""Yeah". He's staring at you with crazy eyes. You follow this unnamed and unfriendly co-worker back to his cubicle where, sureenough, there is a jar filled halfway with flies. "Are those alive?" you ask."Most of them, I'm pretty sure"."May I ask why you have these flies?""No. You may not". Damn it. You shouldn't have left it up to him. He unscrews the cap and several fly out andaway. He quickly puts the lid back on. "OK. I should have thought this through. Do youhave any honey? We're going to put honey on your face and then put your face over the jars as I open it"."They're not fucking bees".
 
"I KNOW THEY'RE NOT FUCKING BEES!" You find some honey in the break room, as the elderly staff like to put it in their tea, milk,cookies, and almost everything else. There is one elderly person stuck to the table as if she was glued there. You can't tell if she's moaning for help, or out of pleasure about theamount of honey that is on her skin. The co-worker smears the honey on your face, andyou sit down at the break room table with your face over the jar. Your co-worker opens it,and close to twenty flies attach themselves to your face. You can't feel anything, as theflies are just stuck in the honey and not actually touching your face. This is awful. Your co-worker agrees. "This isn't working. The flies aren't really touching your face"."You mind if I go wash this off?""No, go ahead. We'll think of something else". You go back to the bathroom and wash your face.  Now that you have your affairs sorted out with that eccentric co-worker, you decide itsfinally time to go see the boss. You knock on Mr. Jenner's door and he tells you to comein. "Hello there"."Hello, sir"."Now I believe I called you almost two hours ago"."Well, sir, my phone has been ringing off the hook. This was the only time I could getaway"."You do know these calls are monitored, right? We know you haven't answered a call inabout two hours"."Oh. That's...ah...""And that's why I called you to come see me. It's about your first caller"."Oh, don't worry, sir. I knew what I did wrong almost immediately after I hung up"."And what was that?""Should've told them to use bungee cords"."You do know that we're actually trying to convince people not to kill themselves, right?""What?""Yeah. We're a Suicide Prevention Hotline"."...Get outta town"."No, I'm serious. Our job is to keep the person on the line alive until the proper authorities get there"."How do the Feds get there?""There is a button on your phone that signals the police"."Huh"."Now as you have already seen, I run a pretty tight ship around here"."Sir, there is a man with a jar of flies on his desk, and an elderly woman is attached to atable in the break room". He ignores you. "Now I'll let you off with a warning this time, but try to make it throughthe day without getting fired"."When exactly does the day end?"
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