Army Simulation

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How to Simulate Life in the Army

1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 daysstraight.2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat inthe house, but you can't talk.3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, thenshovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go thescummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar youcan, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home inthe freezing cold.6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of yourlawnmower.7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn the water pressurein your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesday and Thursdayturn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays declareto your entire family that they can't use the shower in order tokeep it clean for inspection.8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wifetear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bedeach time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, andblow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout"Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!"10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going todo the following day, then have her make you stand in the backyard at 6am and read it to you.11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three daysstraight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hanga sign on the bathroom door that says, "Unserviceable."12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's okfor you to leave your house before 5pm.13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Havethem all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in theholes and wave at your friends and family through the frontwindow of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-

Action-Review.14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in yourhome (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressureevery 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything youwant the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give yourwife the list to throw away.17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows downbefore going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor itwhile letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don't run the heat.Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep yourdriveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white ringsaround all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow.Paint all rocks red.20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice andseasoning you can get your hands on.21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, andallow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read yourmagazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but onlywatch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat.Tune the tint on the TV to green.24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have thefamily vote on which movie to watch and then show a differentone.25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goatshears.26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don't use them.27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor's lawns andcall it a deployment.28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call itworld travel.

29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT getpromoted.30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping onthe dead bodies of your co-workers.31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct RangerPT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighborshave gone to bed.32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with amegaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home isunder attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don'tlet them eat or sleep again for two days.33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do sowithout checking the pantry and refrigerator.34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family thatyou are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for atleast an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them thatyou are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeatdaily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is inthe oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of yourstreet. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Thentell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take themto Disneyland for "block leave." When the end of the 6th week rollsaround, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to thefact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification,and that it will be another week before they can go back into thehouse.38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closestfriends (see para. 13), get the flu.39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string toyour foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the stringabout 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes andgo to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine aflashlight in your eyes and mumble "Just making sure you're okay."40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m.Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chewon sand to stay awake.

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funny! and accurate. LOL

reply03 / 28 / 2010