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An open approach
People are more likely to understand what they figure out for themselves
than what someone else figures out for them
Jewish version
1b
what you would like to achieve by taking this marriage preparation course.
When you’ve finished the course, come back and take a look at it.
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Her Notes
If you like, you can start off by writing down here
what you would like to achieve by taking this marriage preparation course.
When you’ve finished the course, come back and take a look at it.
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Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION................................................................................................. ..........7
4
E. I LOVE YOU BECAUSE ….................................................................................... .45
GOALS...................................................................................... .............................49
Looking at differences
............................................................................................................ ...............54
Boundaries
............................................................................................................ ...............57
Sexual unfaithfulness.........................................................................................58
Divorce.............................................................................................. .................58
Ketubah.............................................................................................. ................62
IN CONCLUSION..................................................................................... ................63
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Something I learned about “us” during this course:...........................................63
Acknowledgment.................................................................................. ....................64
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INTRODUCTION
It boggles the mind that many couples spend more time planning their wedding &
honeymoon than they do their marriage. After all, a wedding is a day; a marriage is for a
lifetime.
Some think they don't have time for marriage preparation, or that it’s not necessary, or
that it's going to be a hassle.
You don't have to choose between having a great wedding and having a great marriage.
You can have both.
Think how much better things can be with a little effort on the front end. You'll get a
heads-up to your relationship's tricky issues & have some compromises already worked
out. You'll know that your mate cares enough about the long term relationship to put
some effort into it. You'll begin your marriage with more realistic expectations. Having
worked through this course material, you’ll be more settled and confident on your
wedding day.
Some sections of this course include written exercises that you should do independently
of each other before sharing and discussing what you have written. To facilitate this,
please print two copies of this document.
No amount of marriage preparation will solve all the problems that will come up in your
marriage. You don’t know what they are until life comes at you. But marriage
preparation can reduce the number of unpleasant surprises.
Be honest with yourself and with your partner in your discussions and when completing
the written exercises. Don’t just say what you think he or she should, wants, or needs to
hear.
When you’ve finished this course, keep all the pages and competed exercise sheets in
an envelope with your other important documents. Whatever life has in store for you,
years from now you will be glad that you have them to look at again.
Best wishes to you as you prepare for your life together as husband and wife!
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GOING BEYOND THIS COURSE
Most couples get the most out of marriage preparation when they follow a course in a
group with other couples, or privately, under the guidance of an experienced teacher. It’s
not always best to only go it alone. Having someone to guide you can help keep things
on track, diminish any tensions that might arise, and make sure that you’re having fun
too. On the other hand, for some couples the do-it-yourself approach might be a good
way to go.
Other things you can do beyond this course before you get married include:
5. Read marriage books, listen to marriage tapes, etc. and discuss together.
This marriage preparation course can also help you decide what steps you need to take
next. For instance, if you decide you need to go for face to face counseling, this course
will have helped you pin-point key areas for discussion.
In the meantime,
relax and remember to have fun while you work your way through this course,
especially if you hit any bumps along the way.
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BEFORE STARTING YOUR COUPLE
EXERCISES
Review the Following Principles on Communication and Conflict
Resolution
1. Communication takes time. Commit to take the time now & throughout
your marriage to communicate. It is the lifeblood of your relationship.
4. Remember that every relationship has conflicts. To start with men are
from Mars and women are from Venus! When you have a conflict:
► Control your anger. Anger & other defensive tactics shut off
communication. You may need to take a walk & delay discussing
something. If so, agree on a time to come back to it within 24 hrs.
Come back to it at the agreed time. Repeat if necessary.
► Clearly define the problem. Don’t bring other issues into the
conflict.
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problems don’t have to defeat you. Your relationship will be
stronger & you will feel more secure in it.
► You may want to print out an extra copy of this page and keep it
close.
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SECTION ONE
A. FUN LEARNING ACTIVITIES
Who’s right?
One of the benefits of listening to our partner is that it helps us see things
from their perspective. Here are some questions you might wish to discuss:
Everyone has stupid arguments! Here’s one stupid argument: A husband was
sitting in front of his TV eating from a bag of LAYS potato chips when he
pulled from the bag the biggest potato chip you’ve ever seen in your life. He
starts holding it in the air, waving it around and bragging as if he had the
made the chip himself. All is fine until his wife reached over and crunched his
potato chip! He got mad and an argument followed. Can each of you think of
a stupid argument you’ve heard (maybe you were in it), and then answer the
following questions.
Here are more questions you may want to discuss, especially if you tend to
argue a lot:
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• Do we believe that all disagreements must be resolved?
• What do we do if there is an unsolvable problem?
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Fix this problem
You are the counselor! What would you say to these couples?
• She likes her family to drop in anytime to visit. He thinks it’s rude and
inconsiderate for them to do so.
• He bought a new truck without talking to her about it. She’s upset
because they are having trouble paying for their bills.
Think of other couples you know of at work, in the family, etc. and problems
they have had and how you would solve them.
Discussing other couple’s problems will help you to reveal to each other your
perspectives on how problems are solved.
Do a short personality test online that tells you how to best love and how to
communicate to your spouse given their unique personality. We tend to want
to love and communicate to our partner in the way we like, rather than the
way our partner likes. This exercise will help you see things from the
perspective of the other person.
You can find a personality quiz yourself online, or try this one:
www.personalitytype.com/
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B. DISCOVER MORE ABOUT EACH OTHER
It’s fun to dream, and our dreams say a lot about what is important to us.
Let’s say you favorite uncle left you a million dollars! What would you do with
the money?
You might want to write out your answers separately, and then come
together to discuss what you’ve written.
You can learn a lot about each other’s aspirations, values and hopes.
This is a simple and fun exercise and one in which you can learn a lot about
each other. Each of you describe your favorite vacation and what made it so
great.
Think about an activity that seems to bring families close together. Think
about the problems encountered along the way but that pull you through as
a family.
Think about how you can use these examples to make your marriage and
someday your family strong and close.
It’s not necessarily how far you go, and how much money you spend. It’s
what you do and what happens along the way. What are your thoughts?
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Two-Way Learning
Respect for each other is very important for a health relationship. One way of
showing respect is by valuing the differences between us. There are different
types of intelligence.
One person may be a very good mechanic. Another person might be able to
write a book about how to disassemble a car engine and then put it back
together again, but be incapable of actually doing it. There are many kinds of
“smarts.” Some are socially intelligent. They have a natural ability to relate
well to others. Other people may not be so good in social settings, but can
logically identify a problem, come up with solutions and solve it. Our
vocations differ. Over a period of time we acquire knowledge and develop
skills that others do not have.
What is something each of you knows a lot about that the other knows little
about?
Teach each other something. Take time to listen and learn from each other.
Your partner will feel valued and respected.
Be the other person and describe what your day is like. We all know what our
day is like and all the problems we have to deal with. But what is my
partner’s day like? Do your best to try to understand their unique challenges.
What’s it like being them? Who are the people they deal with? What
expectations do they face from others?
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What’s it like having you as a partner?
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C. LEARN FROM OTHERS
• Each of you think of someone you know who has a successful marriage…
not just long, but what you consider a good marriage. Each of you go
separately & talk to the husband or wife and ask them about their
marriage (asking will compliment them). Come back together and
compare notes. What did you learn about marriage from your research?
• Describe a really bad marriage that you are aware of. What makes it
bad? Where did it go wrong? How will yours be different?
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SECTION TWO
A. WHAT WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT NOW
Each of you look through the list on the next page and decide on 3 that you
believe are strength areas in your relationship right now, and decide on 3
that you believe are growth areas in your relationship right now (i.e. things
that you need to work on).
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Written exercise # 1
1. Whoever goes first, be sure your responses are covered so your partner can’t see what
you have marked (or use two copies).
2. Put a check mark beside each area that you believe you need to discuss together now.
3. In addition, mark an “N” beside the three areas you consider to be your greatest needs
or growth areas right now. Don’t be discouraged to recognize that you have relationship
needs. All couples do.
5. When you are both finished, take a look and see if you have marked most of the same
areas. Discuss any differences, and what you were thinking when you marked what you
did.
6. You will also find it interesting to see if you both marked the same areas as needs, or if
there are some differences in your perceptions. Discuss your reasons for marking a
component as a need.
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___ 12. Sexual relationship issues ___
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B. DIGGING DEEPER
The following pages contain a list of points or questions for each of the above
12 relationship areas. It is there to help you get started in a discussion. Begin
with those areas that each of you decided was one where you have needs,
then work through the other areas. While you may have discussed many of
these topics in your courting, this exercise provides an organized approach to
help you focus on the most important things you need to talk about now.
NOTICE! This is a fun & helpful exercise. Should you hit some bumpy spots,
remember to practice good communication principles like these:
• Listen.
- Give your partner the time they need to express their viewpoint &
seek to truly understand. Ask questions, & repeat in your own
words what you heard your partner say.
Written exercise # 2
1. Circle the 3-6 areas (pages 18-30) that the two of you identified in the exercise
#1 as being areas where you consider that you have the greatest needs right
now.
2. Each of you, on your own, go through the points/questions in all 12 areas. For
each area, put a check mark beside the point/questions that you think you need
to talk about now, an “N” beside the 3 items where you think you have the
greatest needs, and an “S” beside the 3 items where you think you have the
greatest strengths. If you can’t find strengths in every area, that’s okay; don’t
put an “S” just for the sake of it.
3. Together, look at each other’s worksheets and begin your discussion with the 3-
6 circled areas and the points/questions indicated by an N. Continue with the
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points/questions indicated by a check mark. There is space on page 27 to
identify other issues not covered.
4. Discuss the points/questions that you have identified in the remaining areas.
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1. Communication Skills
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2. Resolving Conflicts
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3. Expectations in Marriage
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4. Money Matters
___ What are our expenses & can we pay the bills? ___
___ Who will “keep the books?” ___
___ Who will prepare the tax returns? ___
___ Have we consulted with a financial planner yet? ___
___ Does/will she know everything about his finances? ___
___ Who will make investment decisions? ___
___ When and for what will we borrow money? ___
___ Are we going to keep a budget? ___
___ Will we have credit cards & for what use? ___
___ Will all our money go into a joint account, separate banking accounts, ___
or separate banking accounts + a family account?
___ Will we have a separate bank account for our charity contributions? ___
___ What are the debts each of us has? ___
___ What is the interest rate on the debt? How long will it take to pay it off? ___
___ What are the current savings/assets each of us has? ___
___ How much money does each of us owe our parents/friends? ___
___ How much financial support/inheritance do we expect to receive from ___
our parents?
___ Will both of us work now? Later? When we have children? ___
___ Will we move if one of us receives an offer of better pay? ___
___ Each others spending habits. ___
___ When do we need to consult with each other before spending money? ___
___ How much of our income will we save? ___
___ What we will save for? ___
___ Will our children have an allowance to spend at their discretion? ___
How much? Will they paid for household chores?
___ Would we ever give/lend money to a friend/family member? ___
___ Would we ever accept/borrow money from a friend/family? ___
___ Will we shop for discounts? ___
___ How much will we spend on fun stuff? ___
___ What does money represent to us? ___
___ How important should money be in our thinking & lives? ___
___ What kind of living accommodations do we want? ___
___ When will we purchase property? How will we decide? ___
___ Do we want a pre-nuptial agreement for financial matters? ___
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___ Other: ___
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5. Recreational Activities
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6. Children & Parenting Views
___ Genetic testing for rare, serious autosomal recessive disorders. ___
(Contact your local Jewish family service organization to obtain free testing at least a
month before your wedding (it takes at least 3 weeks to get the test results).
___ When will we have children? ___
___ How many children will we have & spacing? ___
___ Would we ever consider adopting a child? ___
___ How will we nurture our children? ___
___ Who will discipline our children? ___
___ How will we discipline our children? ___
___ Will we ever slap/spank our children? ___
___ The role of the father. ___
___ The role of the mother. ___
___ If we discover we can’t have children, what then? ___
___ What value do we place on spending time with our children? ___
___ Will he change diapers? ___
___ Will she breastfeed? ___
___ What value do we place on showing affection to our children? ___
___ What value do we place on family mealtimes? ___
___ Do we want to be together as a family on Shabbat and Jewish holidays? ___
___ Will one parent always be at home with the children? ___
___ Will we send our children to daycare? From what age? ___
___ Who will pay for daycare? ___
___ Does one of us stay home to look after sick children? Who? ___
___ How will children and parenting affect our marriage? ___
___ Do we want our children’s’ friends to spend a lot of time at our home? ___
___ Do we want private, public, or home schools for our children? ___
___ Will we enroll our children in extra music, dancing, art, sports, other classes? ___
___ Will we send our boys/girls to boarding school? If yes, at what age? ___
___ Will our children receive a Jewish education? ___
___ Will our children learn Hebrew? Yiddish? How? ___
___ Will we send our children to a Jewish elementary school? ___
___ Will we send our children to a Jewish high school? ___
___ Will we arrange to live near our children’s school? ___
___ What will our children do during the summer? Camp? ___
___ Will we send our children to Israel? Where? For how long? At what age? ___
___ Other: ___
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7. Family / Parents / Community Issues
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8. Husband / Wife Roles
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9. Family Backgrounds
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Family backgrounds (cont’d)
His response:
Her response:
His response:
Her response:
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10. Religious Values / Practices
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___ Our need to discuss our viewpoints/difficulties with a Rabbi. ___
___ Do we/will we have a Rabbi to turn to for advice and guidance? ___
___ Other: ___
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11. Personality Concerns
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13. Sexual Relationship Issues
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13. Other issues
“These are some other things I’d like for us to discuss that were not listed anywhere above”
His response:
Her response:
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C. ASKING AND LISTENING
Husbands & wives need to both ask for what they want and listen to their
partner ask for what they want. We all have needs and there is nothing
wrong with wanting those needs met. But it must go both ways for a healthy
relationship.
The following exercise will give you practice in assertively asking for what
you want & need and in listening to what your partner wants & needs.
Written exercise # 3
1. Print out two copies to respond separately to the points on the next page.
3. There is a blank at the end for “other” if there is something else you think of that’s
important to you.
4. When both are finished, discuss your 3’s & then others as you wish.
• Listen carefully to your partner as they express their needs and why
these are important to them.
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Ask and Listen
(“1” is of lesser importance & “3” is of greater importance to you).
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___ Other: ___
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D. I FEEL LOVED WHEN …
… It’s important to keep your relationship positive & loving. This exercise
further helps you to express to your partner how you are made to feel cared
for. This keeps your partner from having to guess (and maybe guessing
wrong) about what you appreciate most.
Written exercise # 4
Each of you complete the statement “I feel loved by you when you…” on the next page.
Write down 3-5 things your partner can do. Once you’ve both written down your responses,
share your list with your partner.
Discuss and explain if necessary, but most importantly do the things your partner has listed .
. . and enjoy!
• Keep it positive. Don’t write, “I feel loved when you don’t nag me.”
Instead, “I feel loved when you remember to call me during the day” or
“I feel loved when you tell me you love me.”
• Make the cost of the behavior free or inexpensive. Not “I feel loved when
you buy me jewelry” but, “I feel loved when you rub my back” or “I feel
loved when you bring me a romantic card”
• Choose something that can happen every day or with some frequency. “I
feel loved when you kiss me hello and/or good-bye” or “I feel loved
when you compliment me on my appearance.”
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His response:
1. _______________________________________________________
2. _______________________________________________________
3. _______________________________________________________
4. _______________________________________________________
5. _______________________________________________________
Her response:
1. _______________________________________________________
2. _______________________________________________________
3. _______________________________________________________
4. _______________________________________________________
5. _______________________________________________________
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E. I LOVE YOU BECAUSE …
Written exercise # 5
1. Individually, answer as much as you can to complete the following phrases on the next pages.
• I am marrying you because …
• The things I admire / like about you include …
• Our relationship is good right now because …
• My favorite “memory” of us right now is …
• We share these common values, beliefs and goals in life …
2. After you’ve written down your answers share them with each other.
Make sure to keep these pages in an envelope and put it away with your
other important documents.
You will also want to look at it when your marriage hits a rough spot. When
we are in conflict with our mates, we tend to magnify the negative and
minimize the positive. We also forget the past and what it was really like.
Your notes will remind you why you married this person.
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•I am marrying you because:
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• Qualities I admire / like about you include:
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• We share these common values, beliefs and goals in life:
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SECTION 3
GOALS
Personal Goals
Written exercise # 6
5. When each of you has finished, exchange the sheets again and discuss the answers to Part B.
Couple Goals
Written exercise # 7
3. When you’ve finished, exchange the sheets and discuss your answers.
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PERSONAL GOALS
PART A PART B
How I will support you
My personal goals How I will achieve my goals
in accomplishing your goals
What goals do you have for yourself for the
next 1-5 years?
What are our shared goals as a couple for the next 5-10 years?
What is one dream you would like to fulfill as a couple before you die?
List five shared values (Note: if they don’t overlap with your respective
personal goals, that’s okay. You can talk about that).
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
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Our Family
Written exercise # 8
Write up a short statement that reflects the goals and values that we want for our family.
Make it something that you will be proud of.
SECTION 4
GETTING ALONG WITH IN-LAWS
Criticize them, make fun of them, dismiss them, disrespect them, push them
away, ignore them. This is a common approach for dealing with in-laws! But
is this really such a good idea? Here are some better approaches.
First off, until now your parents have known you as their child. Now they
have to get to know you as a couple. It’s a process, so be patient and give
them time to adjust. Soon, you will have to get to know your fiancé all over
again too, this time as a wife/husband. Then you will have to get to know
her/him all over again once again as a mother/father. When your children
leave home you will have to get to know each other yet again in your new
roles. And so it goes. Life is full of change.
You need to be intentional about your relationship with your family. Describe
the kind of relationship you want to have with your respective families:
His response:
Her response:
Looking at differences
• How will you work to bridge differences (eg. generation or value gaps)?
• Who do you clash with most in your family? Why? What are the
strong/weak points of the person you clash with?
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_______________________ becomes _______________________
_______________________ becomes _______________________
_______________________ becomes _______________________
• How will you keep lines of communication open even when relationships
are strained?
• How will you respond when you are given unsolicited advice?
• You know what your complaints are toward your future in-laws. Now
consider the major complaints that your in-laws may have toward their
children-in-law, and how you can respond to them in a positive way.
_______________________________ _______________________________
_______________________________ _______________________________
_______________________________ _______________________________
_______________________________ _______________________________
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_______________________________ _______________________________
_______________________________ _______________________________
_______________________________ _______________________________
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Keeping things positive
• What can you do to promote harmony when you’re with your respective
families?
• What fun things can you do with your respective families that will help
strengthen relationships?
Boundaries
• How will you know issues with your respective families are affecting your
marriage and what will you do about it?
• What are the boundaries for your new nuclear family (currently just you
and your partner) and how will you communicate these to your
respective families?
• When you need to be assertive with your respective families, who should
do it? When should it be done? How should it be said?
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SECTION 5
QUESTIONS ABOUT COMMITMENT
This section may seem very negative to some…but it shouldn’t be viewed
that way. Commitment is a big key to a successful marriage. This section can
only help to be sure a couple understands each other’s views about
commitment in marriage and to each other. Here are some questions to get
you started.
Divergent needs
Fine-tuning things
Do we need to fine-tune our approaches to handling problems & handling
money?
Sexual unfaithfulness
How are we going to guard ourselves from sexual unfaithfulness?
Divorce
Under what circumstances could we imagine getting a divorce?
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disappointment, to be careful of each other’s future happiness, and to
protect our children from the fallout?
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SECTION 6
GETTING MARRIED
His response:
Her response:
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Are we getting married for the right reasons?
His response:
Her response:
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SECTION 7
JEWISH MARRIAGE DOCUMENTS
Ketubah
Have we read, understood, and fully discussed the ketubah with our Rabbi?
Please ask your Rabbi which agreement he recommends. There are different
versions currently in use, including:
America http://www.rabbis.org/pdfs/Halachic%20Prenuptial%20Arbitration%20Agreement.pdf
California http://www.getora.com/PDF/California_Prenuptial_Agreement.pdf
Israel http://www.youngisraelrabbis.org.il/texts/Englishtranslationrevised 040906.doc
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SECTION 8
IN CONCLUSION
His response:
Her response:
His response:
Her response:
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Acknowledgment
With grateful appreciation to Ralph Griggs for permission to use material from his
online marriage preparation course.
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