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august 6, 2009
Dear “dial by directory” phonemenu,
Okay, let’s try this one more time. F-O-T-T-A-L
–Wait, I’m not finished entering thename!
“...Hello? Yeah, sorry, the directoryaccidentally forwarded me to you again.Sure, I’ll hold.”
Shit!
Okay. F-O-T-T-A-
Where’s the “L”? No, wait! “...
Hi, me again.Yeah, I’ve tried getting to the operator, butthe directory keeps sending me to peoplewhose name begins with ‘O.’ Here’s an idea:can you please just transfer me to the evilscientist who invented your phone system?Or maybe patch me through to the rogueIranian operative that inserted it into yourinfrastructure to slowly bring the Columbiaworkforce to its knees? Because I can thinkof no other reason for it to exist. Thanks.”
Columbia City PaperDear guy passing out Bible tracts inFive Points,
You know, though I don’t agree withyour take on the world, I do appreciate yourhands-off approach. Unlike others in yourline of business, you don’t bother me athome, hold creepy roadside vigils in WestColumbia, shoot people, or scream at meabout damnation while I’m minding my ownbusiness on the sidewalk. Nor do you havethe type of face that most people feel inex-plicably inclined to punch. Instead you’vecondensed your whole pitch into a minia-ture, tri-folded comic, delivered in silence.Kudos, sir. Now, if only the anti-abortionfetishists could take your lead...
Columbia City PaperDear fish I just caught,
I can’t believe you actually thought apiece of shiny metal attached to an orangeplastic shaft was food. What were you think-ing, man? I hate to say you deserve to behooked, but come on! What in nature hashot pink and fluorescent yellow hair withmetal hooks hanging out of it? I’m going tothrow you back, but I hope you appreciatethis very important life lesson. You’ve reallygot to pay more attention to what you eat inthe future.
Columbia City PaperDear post-op physical therapist,
Sorry, I’m having a hard time lifting thisrubber ball, but the complete spine replace-ment I had yesterday makes movement kindof difficult. Hah! Did I have muscles priorto the surgery? That’s a good one, asshole.Maybe I’m just grumpy because the oxygentubes and catheter made it hard to sleep lastnight, but it would be great if you’d quitecalling me “Sport,” turn your attention awayfrom my wife’s skirt and back to the legs I’mtrying to relearn how to move.
Columbia City Paper
Reader
Letters to the
MYRTLE BEACHRobber in gorilla suit foiled by man withmeat cleaver
CONWAY—A worker at a Conway arearestaurant saved the cash register and possiblyhis own skin when he used a meat cleaver tostrike a robber dressed in a gorilla suit.The 21-year-old employee at Jimmy’sJapanese Hibachi told authorities he waspunched in the head just before midnight whileemptying the night’s garbage into a dumpster.
After a brief scufe with his attacker, who was
reportedly wearing a gorilla suit, the worker
ed back into the restaurant. When the robber
followed him into the business and made arun at the cash register, the worker struck thesuspect in the arm with a meat cleaver.
The suspect then ed the scene with the
meat cleaver stuck in the suit. No money wastaken.
Man arrested for having sex with a horse
LONGS –A Longs man has been chargedwith buggery after his neighbor videotaped himhaving sex with her horse and reported him tothe police.According to Horry County authorities,Rodell Vereen, 50, was arrested after BarbaraKenley, owner of the Lazy B Stables, caughthim having sex with her horse, Sugar, on asurveillance tape. When Vereen returned tothe stable a few days later, Kenley reportedlyconfronted him and held him at shotgun pointuntil police arrived.Vereen was on probation and already undera court order to stay away from the stables afterbeing convicted of having sex with the samehorse in 2007. In that incident Kenley foundVereen asleep in the stall next to Sugar with astool placed behind the horse in the rear of thestall.
Vereen faces up to ve years in jail if
convicted. Police have retained the surveillancetape as evidence.
PICKENSDrunken woman ticketed for riding stolen horse
SIX MILE—A woman was ticketed fordisorderly conduct after police found her inpossession of a stolen horse in town limits.
A Pickens County Sheriff’s ofcer was
alerted to the woman when a pedestrian
agged him down. Tracy Nadine Ellenburg,
40, was allegedly riding down Main St. in SixMile and appeared likely to fall off the horse.
Responding ofcers reportedly found the horse
tied to a bench outside a convenience storeand said Ellenburg was inside trying to usethe phone. According to a police report, when
ofcers made contact with the woman she was
unsteady on her feet and smelled of alcohol.Ellenburg told police she was riding the horseto her boyfriend’s house.When police asked about her condition,according to the
Anderson Independent-Mail
,she replied that “she wasn’t drunk, the horsewas.”The owner of the horse declined to presscharges.
SPARTANBURGDomestic dispute ends in swordplay
A Spartanburg man was briey hospitalized
before being taken into custody after policefound him trapped under a car following adomestic dispute.According to the
Greenville News
, theman had used a sword to puncture a tire on hisgirlfriend’s car when she attempted to leave the
residence. When responding ofcers arrived
on the scene, they found the man’s leg trappedunder the burgundy Ford Thunderbird. It isunclear how the man ended up under the car.Spartanburg freed the man and transported himto the hospital for surgery before he was duefor transport to Spartanburg County DetentionCenter. He has been charged with criminaldomestic violence of a high and aggravatednature.
SUMMERVILLEMan hopes to save souls of rush hour commuters
In an attempt to bring rush hour commutersto the Lord, a Summerville man had decided tocarry a large wooden cross on his back for the
benet of passersby.
For the past four months, according to the
Charleston Post and Courier
, John Mengarelli,a 59-year-old electrician, spends most eveningswalking down Main Street while carrying alarge wooden cross on his back, simulatingChrist’s walk to Calvary. Mengarelli’s crossis lag bolted together and features lawnmower wheels at its base, for more convenienttransport. Usually wearing boat shoes and aT-shirt to ward off the heat, Mengarelli passesout gospel tracts to those who ask. He said herecently helped a man adopt the Christian faithin front of an area McDonalds.
SUMTERDancer hits man for interrupting her lap dance
Police say a woman hit a man in thehead with a glass beer mug after he stood upin the middle of the exotic lap dance she wasperforming for him.The man, a customer at Legacies, saidhe stood up during the lap dance causing thewoman to fall. She then allegedly grabbed themug and smacked him across the head with it.The dancer reportedly left the bar before policearrived.The woman was described as beingCaucasian, in her 20s, with blonde hair. Shewas last seen wearing a black T-shirt and jeans.
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