Unfortune Cookies:

You have a bright immediate future ahead

of you, not in the long term but for now
youre golden.

You will have a person from your past
come and visit you and you will forget their
name and you will be slightly
embarrassed.

Help, Im trapped in a fortune cookie
factory.

Help, Im a boss from Undercover Boss
and I forgot my real identity.

Help, I cant see past my glasses, I would
take them off but I need them to see.

HELP! Im a Beatles song.
AMERICAS LEAST TRUSTED DISHCLOTH
This nonsense publication was edited by:
KING OF NONSENSE Grant Stiles
Editors
Corner
#1
LASERS AND PIZZA
AL JOLSON TRIVIA

HES DEAD.
MATTERS REGARDING LEONARD NIMOY
Leonard Nimoy is not a fan of this publication, or any publication
for that matterexcept Newsweek and The Cleveland Plain-
Dealer and the Toledo Blade and most publications. Come to
think of it, he only hates this one.

Nimoy, you suck.
Proudly
Un-Googleable
Mom?
Copyright 2013 By L&P Press
All Rights Reserved.






























BACK HANDYS SHALLOW THOUGHTS

DEAF PEOPLE GET THE SILENT TREATMENT
FROM EVERYONE.

IM A BIG DOORS FAN, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY
ARENT LOCKED.

MY BRAND OF V-NECK CARGO SHORTS NEVER
REALLY CAUGHT ON.

IM CREATING A T.G.I.FRIDAYS SPIN-OFF CHAIN
OF RESTURANTS CALLED: FUCK NO, ITS
TUESDAYS.

HOBO CHILI IS MY FAVORITE SNACK NOT
APPROVED BY THE FDA.

MY DAD IS SO CHEAP, EATING RAMEN
NOODLES WITH A SPORK IS HIS WAY OF
SAYING: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON.

I WOULD HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR NON-
CONFORMISTS IF THEY DIDNT ALL DRESS THE
SAME.

MR. PIBB IS DR. PEPPERS LAZY NEPHEW WHO
NEVER FINISHED HIS DEGREE.




FONT PROVIDED BY:

DEF LEPPARD PRINT
AND COPY, INC.

SERVING THE
SHEFFIELD AREA SINCE
1977


ADVANCE PRAISE FOR LASERS AND
PIZZA:

NOT ENOUGH PIZZA TALK.
-NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR,
CHRIS CHRISTIE

NOT ENOUGH LASER TALK.
-LASER HAIR REMOVAL SPECIALIST,
GORDON RAMSEY

ITS NOT FUNNY YOU GUYS
-DISGRASED MLB ALL-STAR,
JOSE CANSECO

ITS SO FUNNY YOU GUYS
- NOT DRACULA,
ACTOR SCOTT BACULA

DONT WORRY YOURE IN GOOD
HANDS.
-FIRST COMMISIONER OF THE MLB,
KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS































HUMPTY DUMPTY AND THE HUMPTY
DANCE
Humpty Dumpty did the Humpty Hump
Humpty Dumpty went Bumpty Bump-Bump
All G Shocks boyz, and all Tupacs friendz
Couldnt make Humpty ever Humpty Hump
again
At least someone will get some use out of it, says Herman
Cain.

Cain, who ran for president last year, is glad to see the bus
put to good use. I wasnt pleased to see the bus go, but I
fully support this vacation. Cain the 67-year old former
CEO of Godfathers Pizza was last seen at local Quick-E-
Mart buying up all of the remaining Twinkies. Im a fan of
Twinkies and its sad to see them go, its been a rough
week for me. In recent months Cain has turned his focus
on to his stand-up comedy act.

Cain will be performing at the Chuckle Hut in Thunder Bay,
Ontario March 15-17 and at Southwestern Oklahoma State
University on March 22
nd
.

Area Family Plans Grand Canyon
Road Trip In Former Campaign Bus
NURSERY, NURSERY
JACK AND THE BEANSTALK
THERE ONCE WAS A BOY NAMED JACK
HE PLANTED SOME MAGIC BEANS.
THE BEANS GREW AND GREW UNTIL
A HUMONGOUS BEANSTALK GREW HIGH IN
THE SKY. JACK TRIED TO CLIMB THE
BEANSTALK BUT HE WEIGHED TOO MUCH.
IN FACT, ONE IN EVERY FOUR BOYS HIS
AGE IS OVERWEIGHT. JACK BROKE THE
BEANSTALK AND HE CRIED AND CRIED.
THEN HE ASKED HIS MOM ABOUT IT AND
SHE EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT HE WAS
JUST BIG BONED NOT FAT. HE FELT
BETTER ABOUT THIS AND DECIDED TO EAT
A SNACK.































CONVERSATION BETWIXT
SAUSAGES:

NO, YOURE THE WURST!

(Long pause)

DONT YOU DARE TALK TO ME
THAT WAY YOU LITTLE BRAUT!

AN OPEN LETTER TO JAY LENO:

Dear Jay,

STOP IT.

LOVE,
EVERYONE

CONSPIRACY CORNER:

CHILDRENS TELEVISION ACTOR JOSH PECK IS
ACTUALLY FORMER TALK SHOW HOST, ROSIE
ODONNELL

EVIDENCE:
1) THEY HAVE NEVER APPEARED TOGETHER
ON CAMERA
2) ODONNELL OWNES ALL OF THE SEASONS
OF DRAKE AND JOSH
3) JOSH PECKS FAVORITE MOVIE IS A
LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
4) THEY LOOK ALIKE
5) ROSIE ODONNELL IS A SOVIET SPY
Rosie O'Donnell Josh Peck
DO YOU WANT A NEW DAD?

CALL: 1-800-NEW-DAD TODAY! NEW DADS ARE
STANDING BY!
DENIM.
POLAR
BEARS

FACT OR
FICTION?


PLEASE IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW
HAS ANYTHING FUNNY TO SAY AT ALL,
WRITE TO THIS MAGAZINE AT:

LASERS AND PIZZA
7548 WHITEHALL CIRCLE
WEST CHESTER, OHIO 45069

WE WILL REPLY TO ANY AND ALL
SUBMISSIONS. IF YOUR WORK MEETS OUR
LOW STANDARDS WE WILL PUBLISH IT! YOU
WILL NOT BE COMPENSATED FOR ANY
WORK SUBMITED SEEING HOW THIS IS A
FREE PUBLICATION (IT DOESNT MAKE ANY
MONEY).





























RANTS.

OK YOU GUYS IM MAD. IM SO MAD I COULD BURST MY
FACE! YOU GUYS! IM SO MAD!

OK, THATS ENOUGH RANTING FOR ONE DAY.


WEATHER:

MONDAY: DECENT.
TUESDAY: FAIR.
WEDNESDAY: POOR.
THURDAY: PLEASANT.
FRIDAY: JUST OKAY.
SATURDAY: UNSPEAKABLE TERROR.
SUNDAY: STOP ASKING ME.
JOKEY JOKESTERS JOKEY JOKES:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BECAUSE HE WAS UNDERGOING AN
EXESTENTIAL CRISIS AND HE REALIZED THE
UNIQUENESS AND ISOLATION OF HIS
INDIVIDUAL EXPERIENCE IN A HOSTILE AND
SOMETIMES INDIFFERENT UNIVERSE.

YO MAMMAS SO OLD

SHE BEGAN TO QUESTION THE VERY
FOUNDATIONS OF HER LIFE AND SHE
BEGAN PONDERING HER LIFES MEANING
AND SHE REALIZED SHE HAD NO SENSE OF
PURPOSE IN THE WORLD.
KEVIN COSTNER TRIVIA

HIS CAREER IS DEAD.


DONT WORRY KIDS,
LIGHTNING IS JUST GOD
TAKING A SCREENSHOT.
HA HA!





ARE YOU TIRED OF THE SAME OLD PAJAMAS?

THEN TRY PAYAMAS! THEY ARE LIKE PAJAMAS BUT
FOR YAMS! YAMS NEED PAJAMAS TOO! PAYAMAS!

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, KEEP YOUR PAJAMAS
CLOSE AND YOUR YAMS CLOSER!
HEY MOM? WHATS FOR DINNER?

PIG TALONS



















I BET YOU DIDNT KNOW PIGS HAD
TALONS?

WELL NOW YOU DO AND THATS
WHAT YOURE EATING FOR DINNER.






TALONS.

WANTED:












8 feet tall, 300 pounds


LAST SEEN RIDING
GIANT BLUE OX AND
WIELDING AXE.