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The Last Word 11/2013

The Last Word 11/2013

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Published by Tim Brown
This ish talks about how cool people play Dungeons & Dragons, the downfall of Outlook.com, Magna Doodle memories, and more!
This ish talks about how cool people play Dungeons & Dragons, the downfall of Outlook.com, Magna Doodle memories, and more!

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Categories:Types, Comics
Published by: Tim Brown on Nov 08, 2013
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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 he Last Word
Issue #470November 2013
How cool people play D&D
Dungeons & Dragons isn’t just for nerds. Cool people like me play it too, and we have our own specialway!ast month’s
Last Word
 clued you in on some of the nuts and olts of D&D. "f cool people play D&D, just call me the #on$! %fter largely forgetting aout this game for ' years, "’ve recently started rememeringhow much Dragons & Dungeons " played in my youth. (ender memories came rushing ack!(hey have D&D on the "nternet now too)sort of. %fter the *
 edition of D&D sent +ary +yga andDave %rneson irling in their graves, -athfinder largely picked up where D&D left off. est all, many of -athfinder’s goodies are offered online for free! /o "’ve dredged up my old lue plastic Dungeon Dice 0that camewith a crayon1 and spent the past couple weeks slaying golins and collecting treasure!2ow eactly
 a cool person play D&D3 y...ipping! 4ust joking. 2ere’s some suggestions for how togo Dungeoning & Dragoning if you’re cool like me...
5henever your party of characters is caught in a seemingly inescapale situation, put on your est/haggy from
 voiceand groan, 65e’re doomed,/coo!7
5hen the Dungeon8aster asks you what weaponsyou want for your character, sayyou want the ule gun and theliste missile)oth of which aremade9up weapons.
+rumle aout how adungeon that has only one eit isviolating the fire code.
5henever anyodymentions the 6:eep ;n (heorderlands7 module, dancearound and sing, 6(he keep, thekeep...(he iscuit keep, the coffeekeep, the illy 4oel keep!7
<very time someonementions the 6stinking cloud7spell, make a fart noise.
<very time someonementions the 6stinking cloud7 spell and makes a fart noise, laugh uncontrollaly.
5henever someody shoots a poison arrow, start singing the song y %C)just to show you’re hip totoday’s music!
(alk nonstop aout henchmen.
8ake an audio recording of all the ayish arguments that always erupt whenever an undead monster drains a character of a level or when someone demands that they get to roll again when they roll a = for their hit point increase.
(ell the Dungeon 8aster that ;amacare should cover the >' gold pieces it costs for a vial of antitoin. ?ow "’m gonna use a phrase that " et you’d forgotten aout. "t’ll send you ack to the earliest D&Ddays. @eady for it3 2ere it comes...<lectrum pieces." don’t think "’ve ever heard the world
 anywhere ecept D&D. ut ecause "’m cool, " used tocall them 6
 Electric Company
 pieces7)like the children’s show. 4ust for cool time’s sake, " include electrum
 pieces in my current D&D campaign even though D&D officially aolished them decades ago. "t’s like D&D’sanswer to the A ill. /ort of like the =9sided dice."n my new D&D campaign, one of the fighter characters carries a >'9foot hemp rope, which has already een used to rescue characters from pits. ;ur party was also sickened y toic gas that filled the hallway of our dungeon)as if someone had ripped a silent9ut9deadly unker last."n my youth, we misused the
 Deities & Demigods
 ook to slay gods)even though the ook specificallywarned against this. (he warning was issued despite the fact that the ook listed statistics for each god as if theywere monsters from
 Monster Manual 
. 5ink wink, nod nod. %lso, the D&D people were threatened with a lawsuitfor making this ook, ecause some other pulisher somewhere claimed they owned a copyright on gods.%s D&D grew, it added more layrinthine rules that seemed to govern every conceivale situation. "’m aslow reader, and " can’t possily digest every single rule, ut the -athfinder wesite says the rules should echanged to fit the needs of your gaming group. /urely, however, someody will ellyache that not following eachrule to the letter makes the game unrealistic. (his is a game that involves casting spells against mythical creatures,and someody is worried aout it eing unrealistic3(ake for instance the random dungeon generation tales that were uried in the ack of one of the oldD&D ooks. " adored using these tales to create dungeons, ut it was never clear how to implement some of theitems in them. @ecently " found a copy of these tales on the "nternet and egan rewriting them for my owncampaign. 2ere’s part of the map of the dungeon " started making...(he dungeon isn’t complete, of course. (his campaign had only started eploring it. % couple passageshave short streams)approimately =' feet wide)running down the middle that end at the wall at the end of the passage. "t’s presumed that they form from moisture leaking from the surface, and they end as they pool againstthe wall. (hen again, "’ve started my entire campaign over from 0screech!1 scratch, ecause the important comatrules are eplained so poorly on the wesite that "’d applied them inconsistently. "’ve also downloaded a freehoneycom graph paper pattern to uild a etter dungeon, ut instead " started a new dungeon without it."n this revamped campaign, we encountered a monster called a mimic. 2ere’s another thing cool peopledo during D&DB 5hen we coolsters run into a mimic, we start chanting, in a high9pitched voice,68imic...mimic...mimic...7ut the tet of the D&D ooks of the 's used the
Sesame Street 
Changng your ou!loo" on u!loo"$$$%or !he worse
#or as much as (he 8edia shouts aout the supposed failure of the ;amacare wesite)even though "didn’t have a shred of troule using it)it would only e fair if they were just as harsh on 8icrosofts;utlook.com e9mail service. ut nope. (he right9wing press does of course ignore all of ;utlook’s prolems andoutright lies. (hey have a narrative to fulfill, don’t ya know.% few months ago, " switched my e9mail over to ;utlook.com ecause my new "/- doesn’t have e9mailas part of its asic package. "t didn’t take long efore it ecame clear that ;utlook was losing important e9mails "epected to receive." demanded a prompt eplanation on ;utlook’s forum aout this unacceptale state of affairs. ;utlook 
tried laming
, saying it must have een ecause of filter settings " chose. (hey told me to check my junk mailfolder. ut it was completely empty."
 een receiving
 spam, and it wasn’t shunted to the junk mail folder. /o why would legit e9mail e locked altogether3;utlook also told me to go through my locked senders list and add addresses from it to my safe senderslist if " wanted to get e9mail from them. ut if " wanted to get e9mail from them, " wouldn’t have put them on the locked list in the first place. (he missing e9mails weren’t from anyone on the list."t gets ridiculouser.;utlook then told me to open my safe senders list and add addresses of everyone "’d like to receive e9mailfrom. "n other words, " was supposed to add every conceivale address that " might ever receive a legitimate e9mail from)even ones " didn’t know eisted yet. (he numer of such addresses is infinity. "t would e literally
 to add them all." replied to ;utlook and told them there was nothing in the junk folder. ;utlook then 6investigated7 andtold me they weren’t locking any of my e9mail. ;ne of ;utlook’s self9styled support geniuses said, 6"’verechecked your account and confirmed that there’s no issues on it.7ut there were. 5hen the prolem failed to go away, " scoured the "nternets 0sic1 for a possile solution to;utlook’s idiocy. ?ow "’ve discovered something very interesting. @ememer, " use 5indows ive 8ail. 5indows ive8ail and ;utlook.com are designed to go together. " discovered that 5indows ive 8ail has a default setting thatsays locked e9mail doesn’t go to the junk folder. "nstead it gets deleted completely)without a trace. /ince thatwas a default setting, it wasn’t something " actually
. /o " changed the setting so it put locked e9mail in the junk folder instead of deleting it.(hen e9mails that " epected)which " otherwise wouldn’t have received at all)started filling the junk folder. (he junk folder was now half spam and half good stuff. #rom now on, " was going to have to wade throughit to sort out the useful stuff)which defeats the whole purpose of having a spam filter or a junk folder. 5orse,months of important e9mails were gone) gone into thin air. (hats ecause thisdidn’t ring ack the e9mails " missed.;utlook’s wesite has a feature thatsupposedly resurrects deleted e9mails)ut" tried it, and it didn’t do a damn thing." hate people who lie to me.;utlook had told me they weren’t lockingany e9mail. (hey lied. (his proves it. %ndthey never told me " could change thesettings so mail intended for the junk folder wouldn’t e completely erased. ?ow here’s the est partB 5hilesome of the locked e9mail now goes to the junk folder where " can retrieve it, "’mcontinuing to miss some important e9mailaltogether. "t never even makes it to the junk folder)which means ;utlook islosing or deleting it efore it gets there.(here’s no setting that lets me remedy this.0%mong the items eing laeled as spam y ;utlook were important +oogle %lerts notices that "’d signedup for.15here’s (he 8edia3 "f they 6epose7 the ;amacare wesite’s supposed troules, they should epose;utlook’s woes too. (hen again, in the  years efore the %ffordale Care %ct started kicking in, " had dealingswith  different
 28;’s that @epulicans in :entucky had crammed down my throat, and the wesite for each 28; was completely unusale. <ach 28; changed my doctor without my permission, and " went to their wesite to change it ack. "n oth cases, the section of the wesite that’s supposed to let you change your doctor didn’t work. /o " had to make a toll call to change it y phone. 5ith the second 28;, " had to make a
 tollcall ecause they couldn’t fi it the first time)after they had put me on hold for a half9hour. 5hy won’t the pop9up media epose the incompetence of the 28;’s that the @epulican statists have reEuired us to use38y previous "/-)Cincinnati ell’s Foomtown)also had a regal clusterfuck of a wesite and was aninferior "/- to oot. " finally ditched them ecause they illegally locked wesites ecause of content. 2ealth carecompanies can’t e epected to speciali$e in wesites, ut you’d think telcoms like Cincinnati ell and softwaregiants like 8icrosoft would. /o that makes the ad wesites sported y Foomtown and ;utlook much more

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